May 19
having DID is dumb and cringe sometimes. i am deadass out here chucking literal tears out of my actual eyeballs in the general direction of the people who have done the most for me in my entire life, the people who gave me everything and to whomst i owe everything i am in turn and im in this moment of the most genuine and painful gratitude i have ever and could ever feel ever and its. its just me man. its just me in different hats. i am sitting here being deadass like "oh you saved my life i owe you everything" to myself??? and its real??? what. the fuck man.
#added percentage of loneliness because how the fuck would i even begin to explain this kind of emotion to my 'normal' friends??#'well you see imagine there was like a group of people you were with all the time no matter what right'#'and even though you can be at eachothers throats you DO want whats best for eachother right'#'and now things are good and cool finally and it's only because of this support system fucked up as it may be at times'#'and its all cool and good and genuine and real but you can't even throw like a party about it cause all those guys are just you actually'#cant even express my joy without sounding like an alien man#like i just wanna throw a party about it man and have everyone stand up and take a bow about it but i cant even like. say it. with words.#and sure yeah i could just throw a party like in real life or celebrate on my own but that's not like. the point.#i just feel like I've got this big emotion of gratitude and i dont even got anywhere to put it#cant just go up to my friends and be like 'im grateful to ME for ME for saving MY LIFE 💅✨️'#like to be fair i do in fact do this kinda everyone is kinda used to me being whatever but. idk.#i just want someone to Understand TM#and that's a lot to ask for#signed;nikki