(inspired by the journalists at ClickHole and The Onion)
WARNING: Most of this is a joke. And also I'd like to apologise.
10. Ms. Drake
She's a Ms. now but I could make her my Mrs. She's such a #girlboss and we love that for her! Who cares if she ruins the eco system of Jorvik, all that is important is that she's absolutely SLAYING! 🏭
9. Avalon
If there's one thing that the ladies/men love, it's mystery. And what's more mysterious than covering your entire face with a hood? "Oh my, I can't see any of that man's face!" they'll exclaim. "He must have a terrible secret I will uncover with my love."
8. Rowan
There's nothing sexier than an Australian accent. 🇭🇲 They could take you back to the land down under and you could watch them wrestle a kangaroo... 🦘 So romantic...
7. Ydris
He's so smooth. Like a water bottle. Imagine a water bottle. Now imagine Ydris. So similar yet so different... Plus there's like two (or more) tentacles in there so that's a plus. 🐙
6. Justin
Who wouldn't want to kiss a man who hasn't felt the touch of a woman for years (unless horses 🐴 count as women)(or lasagne)(I mean... horses could count as women because mares but lasagne? Hmmm...) We all have to agree he got the good genes from his grandfather! 👴
5. Sigry
Rania's mom has seriously got it going on! 👀 It would be a lie if we said we never thought of what it would be like being Dr. Eiren. She's yet another #girlboss who got on this list!
4. Erik
Hardworking lawyer and great father! Total catch and a #DILF! His eyebags make his eyes shine like stars on the night sky. 😍 I bet he could get me off the wanted list in a whim. 🤭
3. Galloper Thompson
I know the title says faces but Gunnar has got to be one of the most irresistible men out there 🤭 It's a big achievement that he looks so kissable without a face!
2. The Vala Witch
So mysterious... So pretty... So blue... So blue. So blue like blue ice slush. Do you think she tastes like ice slush? Drop your theories in the comments down below 😊👇
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
(Mistfall release fic) Rebecca finds out Ms. Drake is behind the trouble in Mistfall and must manage to do the right thing while not losing Ms. Drake's trust.
Go! Energy! Drinks! was in an incredibly obvious name that Rebecca found insulting. It’s like GED wasn’t even trying to hide their actions. Kembell was back to being an utter moron whatever it was. Given the toxic dumping he had done on the other side of the mountains Rebecca wouldn’t have been surprised if they had poisoned the water of Dundull. GED had done it before, and more. Making a community with previously clean water suffer and be forced to buy bottled water from the company polluting them felt very American to Rebecca. Maybe GED was an American company, which just made Rebecca feel even more responsible to fix their crap to try to repair her home country’s reputation.
But enough politics, first there was taking down GED and helping the people here.
On the bright side the water wasn’t contaminated from Kembell’s radioactive sludge, so aside from the wolves there wouldn’t be any environmental healing needed. On the not so bright side Rania, though precious and beautiful, was also headstrong to a stupid degree. Showing the bad guys the evidence before even posting it online, while alone in the woods right by a lake that would be perfect for drowning or a bunch of vans large enough to carry the two girls out, was not the smartest idea. But they lived, no one drowned, and they had the evidence in hand to show Councilman Skoll and hopefully get GED kicked out of the area.
Although Councilman Skoll seemed a bit oblivious, in an evasive way, Rebecca was worried about him too.
When Rania and Rebecca showed Councilman Skoll the pictures and videos Rebecca was not surprised when Skoll knew. Rebecca was surprised she had forgotten about Geo Emergency Doctors. GED needed to fire whoever was in charge of naming these organizations, or the founder of GED was really attached to those three letters for some reason. Maybe it was their name. Rebecca mentally named the founder of GED Giantiac Egregious Dumbass. Dickwad? Douchebag? So many options.
“Yes… Ahem… well, you see, Dundull has been facing a budget deficit for years now. Bad economy, not a lot of tourism, you know how it is running a village, ha ha… So when Go! Energy! Drinks! came to me with an offer to buy out out water rights, I had no choice! It was the only way to keep our town afloat!” Councilman Skoll tried to explain, Sigry Varanger not having any of it. Rebecca stayed quiet, she didn’t know the particular politics of this village, but Councilman Skoll was just another corrupt and useless politician.
“We’re not going anywhere.” The voice made Rebecca whip her head around to the newcomer. What was Ms. Drake doing here?
Ms. Drake gave Rebecca a critical glare, not pleased she was there. Rebecca’s moment of shock passed and her lips set into a deep frown, equally unhappy to see Ms. Drake here. How was Rebecca going to explain this to her?
“It’s Mrs. Drake! The CEO of GED!” Councilman Skoll said, it may have been meant as an introduction but there was too much fear in it. Rebecca raised an eyebrow at Ms. Drake. Mrs.? CEO? Ms. Drake was head of the Jarlaheim GED department, not the CEO of the entire thing.
“We have a contract,” Ms. Drake reminded firmly. Rebecca heard Skoll swallow hard.
“I should have known you were involved in this, Rebecca. Always a thorn in our side…” Rebecca was relieved no one was looking at her when she was insulted like that. Of course she had been sabotaging GED, but there was no way Ms. Drake should have known that. Ms. Drake glared at Rebecca, not intimidated by the indigent and furious look on Rebecca’s face, and addressed Sigry and Skoll’s questions.
At least Ms. Drake was more thorough in her contracts, it seemed legally sound. Morally wrong, but legally she had done everything correctly. At least she wasn’t an idiot like Kembell, but that did make getting rid of GED from the spring a lot trickier. Rebecca was curious about how much of the forest Dundull really had control of, and when the park started. But she wasn’t about to start asking those sort of quests, she’d no doubt find out soon. But first there was the more pressing matter of the wolves to deal with. Poisoned and aggressive wolves weren’t good for anyone.
Ms. Drake and Rebecca held a glare as Rebecca rode off on Midnightwarrior. The young woman knew she’d be paying a visit to Ms. Drake’s when this was finished.
The day got weirder when Raptor ended up involved in the entire thing, Rebecca internally groaned. How had he gotten mixed up in this? He probably had no idea who he was promoting, and Rebecca knew if she just talked to him she could convince him to drop it, even if it was a lot of money.
Rebecca kept quiet and tried not to giggle as Dr. Eiren and Rania discussed how to get close enough to Raptor to show him the video. All Rebecca would have to do was send him a text, but then she’d have to explain how she had his phone number and she wanted to avoid those sort of questions. Going to the mall would be just as effective.
Luckily it was a day Raptor was performing at the mall, Rania and Rebecca arriving in time to see him on stage. She was glad they wouldn’t have to wait around and could do this quickly.
She was not so thrilled when Ms. Drake was also there. It would be hard to convince Ms. Drake to continue to trust her after this, especially if Ms. Drake saw her talking to Raptor and ruining GED’s promotion with him.
Rebecca winced at Raptor’s promotion lines, wondering if Mr. Bigcake would ever let Tor sing his own songs. But that was a question for another day, first Rania and Rebecca needed to talk to him.
Rebecca hoped Rania wouldn’t be able to sense the blushes and looks of recognition. As long as no one figured out that she and Tor were friends things would be much easier. As easy as they can be fighting ancient evil. Thankfully Raptor and Rebecca kept up their roles as not knowing each other, and Rebecca kept formal to match Rania’s tone. Raptor kept up his persona, and didn’t need much explaining to figure out what GED was doing. Rebecca could feel Ms. Drake’s anger at the entrance of the mall, furious that her promoted had both exposed and challenged her. Rebecca just hoped Raptor’s lawyers would be able to get him out of the contract without any sort of punishment.
To their pleasant surprise GED were leaving Mistfall by the time they got back to Dundull, though Rebecca knew the contract was no doubt still in effect. This wasn’t over, it was just postponed.
Her date with Ms. Drake, however, was still scheduled for that night.
Rebecca found Ms. Drake back in the Jarlaheim office, the employees getting out of her way and looking down, not daring to make eye contact.
“I should have you skinned,” Ms. Drake snarled when Rebecca closed the door, both of them glaring at each other.
“What were you even doing there!?” Rebecca demanded, hissing right back.
“My job!”
“You’re head of Jarlaheim operations! You should be sticking to the Harvest Counties!” Rebecca reminded the businesswoman.
“And I’m sure you betrayed me here too!” and yet Ms. Drake had not yet summoned guards to deal with Rebecca.
“I did not betray you!” as far as Ms. Drake knew.
“Then what the fuck was that show earlier today? The fuck were you doing there!” Ms. Drake’s voice was raised and fierce and Rebecca knew she needed to answer carefully.
“You really want to know?” Rebecca asked with a pout and arms crossed over her chest, her hip popped out to the side.
“I’ll at least consider not having your body dumped in the ocean!” Ms. Drake’s threat was empty and Rebecca knew it. At least it was probably empty.
“I thought it was Kembell’s operation.”
“Kembell?” Ms. Drake blinked at the name, recalling Rebecca’s hatred for the man.
“Silverglade was his territory, I assumed he had also gotten Mistfall as well. And given he was storing toxic waste like an idiot in the mountains by Firgrove I thought he actually had poisoned the Mistfall spring,” Rebecca explained, Ms. Drake visibly calming down some. That was good.
“While I love your drive for revenge against him, that doesn’t explain why you continued to fuck me over when you knew it wasn’t Kembell!” Ms. Drake countered, making Rebecca’ manipulation all the more difficult. There wasn’t a good answer.
“Oh please you’ll be fine, the contract sounds perfectly legal. You can recover from a bump in the road because you know how to cover your bases, it makes you much more valuable to GED,” Rebecca knew making it about Ms. Drake would please her ego and would subtly change the subject from Mistfall to Ms. Drake.
“And how does that help you?” Ms. Drake narrowed her eyes. While she loved her ego being stroked the Rebecca she knew must have had a more personal reason for doing such a thing. To Ms. Drake, Rebecca was just as ruthless as the businesswoman, just in different ways, but there was always a reason that would personally benefit Rebecca in everything she did.
“You get Kembell’s territory in addition to Harvest Counties, and I get you owing me big time. And a prominent GED employee in my pocket has a great deal of benefits…” Rebecca said with a wicked grin, Ms. Drake’s frozen heart shrinking two sizes at the devious implications in Rebecca’s words and tone.
“That’s CEO to you,” Ms. Drake reminded the young woman, reasserting her power.
“I know you aren’t the head of the company, and GED loves reusing acronyms.”
“Coastal Executive Officer, I now control all GED operations in the south west side of Jorvik, which given it is mostly coastline…” Ms. Drake peacocked, thoroughly pleased with herself.
“You got his job!” Rebecca said with a smile and clasped hands, happy for the development. And also terrified, Ms. Drake had already proven to be smarter and have a better grasp at using the law to cover her tracks.
“I got his territory, Kembell is on very thin ice and sinking fast. GED has lost faith in him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he met an unfortunate accident soon,” Ms. Drake said a bit wishfully, Rebecca having no doubt that GED might take out Kembell for his failures. GED didn’t like loose ends.
