Letters from the Other Side
I suppose it’s not a surprise, me writing to you. I talk to you often enough in my mind. In my heart. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to you of course, want just to be left alone with my thoughts in my head. Not worrying about what you would be thinking. I wish that you were here to think your own thoughts, tell me your opinions. I’m smart, yes, but what I think you’ll say is still just guesswork.
You would be doing good in this world. It hurts to know that, because in all honesty, that’s why you were targeted. You were forces for good, fairness, equality, and justice. I’m trying to follow in your footsteps but it’s so much harder for me.
I’m a girl. I’m young. I’m unmarried. I carry little credibility. I’ve been trying so hard to build up my reputation, and hopefully, hopefully I’ve managed now. People listen to me when I speak, whereas it used to be just you. Did you see the position I’m working in now? I got that on my own. Me! I was so giddy when I found out, I wanted to tell you both immediately.
It’s those times I miss you most. When I have something exciting to tell you, good news to share. When I’m so happy I could fairly burst. I want so badly for you to be proud of me. Daddy, you worked for the Ministry, you know what it is I’m facing. You would understand this success.
It’s the sad times where I want you out of my head. But you have permanent residence there. You’ll live with me till I’m old and grey. Till I’m dead. When I’m sad I just want to be alone, though. I just want to curl up and cry without thinking about what you’d be thinking about it. Because sometimes I need to cry.
Sometimes I’m just so frustrated, or tired, or plain disheartened. Heartsore. I’m working so hard and it seems sometimes like I’m getting nowhere. Like I’m on a broom fighting against gale force winds and yet standing still. Not making any progress. I gave up so much for this, not only for my job, but for Dumbledore and what he’s asked of me.
I carry so many secrets around, sometimes I think I’ll go mad with them. And there are so few people I can share this with and most--most have someone else to share things with.
I don’t want to even admit to myself that what Bellatrix said may have gotten to me. It would please her so. But I am alone. I am lonely. I work myself to exhaustion so I don’t have to dream, and I stay at the office late so I don’t have to go home to an empty flat. I don’t even live in the house anymore, you know? It’s too painful.
I miss you so much, and yet know that if you were here, I wouldn’t be able to say any of these things to you, for fear of disappointing you. Now, it’s all just in my head. And in my heart.
Lend me some of your strength, Mother. Send me the courage of your convictions, Dad. Help me to be the person you want me to be, the person I want to be.
And if you wanted to send a little luck and a little love my way, like you two had, I wouldn’t mind that either.
I’m just so tired of fighting everything and everyone sometimes, and doing it with a smile. So tired.