Discover Top Posts Tagged with #silent p

ive been working on my drawing a lot and i think its cool.

i am trying to develop my creative abilities and hopefully abilities in general. its annoying because for me like providing pleasure is a skill i actively try to work on and i feel frustrated that i have been unable to to get a professional footing in that line of work. i still feel bitter about the first nsfw ban. i had a platform that i had built

i want to start doing sw again but im not sure how to organize it

i see these picture of me when i was younger and like i dont expect to look the same

but i hate feeling sober, mostly, and if i dont eat for long periods of time, take speed some days, take my sleep meds etc on an empty stomach and then drink an unknowable amount of alcohol its easier to feel different than doing it like. the normal way i guess. which would definitely be healthier. but thats not really my vibe

i dont feel shame for a lot of things but i absolutely feel ashamed of the way i see my own body. i think the disgust that i feel for my body is unnecessary and irrational and i think maybe i wish i was above caring, or above judging myself by fucking bullshit standards. or like, i thought i was. i think its not as much of a physical thing as like, i have not had a real, consistent job in a long time, i am mostly avoidant of going outside, it hurts when i walk but not consistently so i can never make plans based on it, and like ive been taking fucking hardcore psychiatric medications since i was little so like that proooobably fucked w my metabolism? like it couldn't be just appetite increase. but also its hard to judge because of everything else. food at boarding school was so weird for me. i clearly had ARFID but i wasn't dx autistic til after i was discharged from high school so i was never given... neutral accomadations? like i did get fed, kinda? a lot of people knew i either couldn't or wouldn't eat the actual meals so theyd give me their dessert if they didnt want it. so i would just eat like, school cafeteria desserts. and then like a few times a month there would be something i actually wanted to eat like chicken nuggets or something and then like my friends and just some of the other kids felt bad and would give me some of theirs because they knew i usually just had like. mountain dew and sometimes me and this girl who was my friend and then raped me would eat 'raw toast' which is a reference to ASOUE when sunny had to feed olaf's troupe on the fucking mountain but they had no real heat source but but she was trying!! it was becoming clear she had interest in the culinary arts. so she gave them bread and other things and olaf got angry it wasn't hot food. but anyway, baked bread not toasted is raw toast. it tracks, leave me alone. so we would put butter and sugar on it before they started like rationing condiments and salt and sugar and stuff. i definitely had ED stuff by then but like no i was not going to talk to anyone there about it. they actually did try to make the food better, alledgedly, while i was there. they switched from like. so like i wouldn't eat breakfast, id take my meds and drink a mountain dew code red. i drank voltage for lunch because it was in the middle of the school day i think i am just way more comfortable emotionally essentially just fasting (i looked up the technical definition and like yea thats what it is, i just dont eat for like 12-36 hours or longer, or sometimes shorter, it fucking varies, i dont know) but i like the feeling of being so fucking carnally hungry for hours, feeling that pain and then satiating it. its just more fun than eating regularly. which. i am aware thats not ideal. but fed is best and all that rot. and im always fed, eventually.

i don't see other people this way, i don't think that will ever sound convincing but i just dont

i can never just say this but im not attracted to people's bodies first. i always read the profiles, i am so fucking attracted to people's minds and personalities. and if i really admire someone like that, or however im phrasing it at the time, i love them and their body. i can see that someone has features that are considered attractive and it's like, cool ig. i love seeing how people dress, and groom themselves, and do their hair, and what they like to do with their time, how they have fun, how they cope with pain, how they fuck, jfc its stupid i feel so stupid to care so much about things about my body that are *dubiously* controllable at best. i know if i was dating myself i would think i was so hot. but thats not whats happening. that is not currently the relationship i have to my body. i think going from being consistently emotionally abused and shamed by my caregivers and most clinicians, and sexually abused by just. a lot of people i dont know. i dont know what counts. but its always been justified as penance for my interest in kink and my phases of dangerous hypersexuality.

#xxxflutterpurgexxx #locked in syndrome #silent p #fragile x #broken heart #token retard