Note: The challenge was to use funny euphemisms for the smut part! And well, this is what came out (Yes, I couldn't help making it sweet because that's who I am).
Eris adored his mate. He truly did. Especially when he was like this—sprawled across the sofa, his beautiful wings just as lazily arranged, wearing a look of intense concentration that suggested something very important was unfolding between the pages of whatever he was reading.
And Eris knew Azriel was completely absorbed because he didn’t even hear him approach.
“Fates Bound in Flame…” he murmured, dragging a finger over the cover before gently stroking the hand holding the book.
The moment Azriel looked up was utterly, completely delicious. Three things happened at once: the book nearly slipped from his hands, his cheeks turned a spectacular shade of red, and his heart began racing so fast that Eris could hear it.
Eris tilted his head, curious, and took advantage of the distraction to snatch the book.
“I was reading that,” Azriel protested, reaching to grab it back. But the High Lord stepped away, leaning casually against the bookshelf, humming contentedly as he scanned the page.
His brows lifted when he reached the part he had so clearly interrupted. A feline smile curled at the corner of his mouth. He had arrived at precisely the moment his beloved mate was entering a particularly… engaging scene.
“Killian buried his face in Devon’s royal jewels, licking and suckling before rising to behold the enchanting vision of his lover’s wooden scepter, leaking drops of astral nectar.”
Well. Killian was certainly keeping himself entertained with Devon and his twin relics.
When Eris lifted his gaze from the page, Azriel had buried his face behind a pillow, his groans muffled by the fabric.
“I can’t hear you, my love.”
“I hate you,” came the reply, thoroughly muffled.
Eris returned to the sofa and took Azriel’s hands, gently tugging the pillow away so he could admire his still-flushed face. “That’s unfortunate, because I love you.”
“Can you give me the book back and stop making fun of me?”
His mate leaned in to kiss him—short and sweet. “I wasn’t making fun of you.”
Azriel sighed, incapable of truly being annoyed with him. Still, he took advantage of Eris’s distraction to reclaim his book, stealing another quick kiss before nudging him away. “I was reading before you interrupted.”
“Will you read to me?”
There wasn’t a trace of mockery in his voice. Perhaps a mischievous gleam in his eyes, but not as if Azriel were the joke. It was ridiculous to feel nervous about something like that, but he couldn’t help it. This wasn’t the first time Eris had asked him to read aloud. According to his mate, he had a soothing, pleasant voice. But reading this particular book?
“Eris…”
“Please?”
He really needed to do something about how easily Eris could persuade him—but that was a problem for another day. Azriel settled back into the cushions, cleared his throat, and continued:
“Lian… I need you.” Devon’s voice was a burning whisper. “Sheathe your warrior’s steel inside me. I want to feel you fill my hidden sanctum.”
Killian could deny him nothing. He had already been preparing him, licking along his secret passage until Devon was practically whimpering with seismic pleasure.
“I’ve got you, my love.” And then a delicious warmth enveloped him—a velvet caress for his hard dagger. When Killian was fully buried within Devon’s dark center, he ached with the need to move, to absolutely destroy the structural integrity of the bed and polish his lance against that sweet, shadowed gate.
“Please don’t stop.”
Azriel kept reading the details of Killian performing vigorous mattress diplomacy, striking Devon’s pleasure rune until he spilled his pool of liquid starlight inside Devon’s ring of destiny.
He was just about to begin the next chapter when he felt Eris’s lips on his.
Well. Apparently, he wasn’t the only one who had enjoyed Fates Bound in Flame.
The book ended up abandoned in the corner of the sofa, entirely forgotten.
Why keep reading when he could have his own Lord making him unravel with pleasure and licking his aching longsword?
Summary: You spend time with your boyfriend, Derek, before he would leave for a week-long business trip away from home. As a joke, you propose that you should purchase a ‘Clone a Willy’ kit, in case you miss him during his absence. But Derek wasn’t truly against the idea.
Word Count: 4.3k
Content: 18+ smut, MDNI, gender-neutral reader, mentions of sex toys (they’re literally making one), raunchiness, slightly OOC Derek, too many damn time skips, more plot than porn, the silliness is more prominent in the beginning but not so much the smut, penetration (unspecified genitals for reader)
(A/n: thankyou thankyou so much to @g0ry0re0 for proofreading, you are literally a lifesaver ilysm. thank you for everyone’s support and anticipation for this fic, you all keep me going ❤️ enjoy!!)
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“Uhh… ‘CBD-infused intimate oil,’” Derek reads off the box in a curious mutter, turning it around to examine the product and its written features. Then he looked at you with a knowing grin. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” you nodded in agreement, chuckling under your breath as you watched the imminent purchase remain inside of your boyfriend’s grasp.
You and Derek, since being in a relationship of nearly three years, had always found several ways to spice things up in your sex life. The two of you experimented with almost everything in the book, be it edging, near exhibitionism, toys, food play, etc. And of course, while romantic relationships overall meant way more than just the sex, your sex life with him was just too incredible to ignore. Jesus, you could go on and on for days about how amazing the sex was.
Therefore, it wasn’t unusual at all to find the two of you inside of an adult store. Sure, you mostly bought your things online, but since you two were already out and the shop was nearby, you figured it wouldn’t hurt to go in. Plus, the other times you went to the in-person stores were quite beneficial; you were able to see certain sizings of different products and got the necessary and helpful advice from the clerks there.
You and Derek had continued to browse through the raunchy products as you walked down each aisle together. And while the two of you were almost in your thirties, absolutely nothing could deter you two from giggling at some of the ridiculous things sold there. This time, however, you suddenly stopped in your tracks and opened your mouth in complete awe once your eyes had laid upon it.
“Holy fucking shit!” You blurted as you instantly grabbed the tube-shaped box from the shelf in front of you:
‘(GLOW IN THE DARK) CLONE-A-WILLY: THE IN-HOME PENIS MOLDING KIT
MAKE A VIBRATING SILICONE REPLICA OF ANY PENIS (EASY TO MAKE)’
“Is this actually—?” Derek nearly snatches it from you with a fascinated scoff, reading over the description on the packaging. “What the fuck? Do—do people actually do this?”
“Of course they do, I see them, like, everywhere!” You cackled, trying to steal back the box from his grasp. It wasn’t the first time you’ve ever seen it, but it does surprise you every damn time that you do.
“Okay, okay, so… So if I’m getting this right, you could basically make an entire fuckin’ dildo at home… by molding somebody else’s or your own dick?” He raises an eyebrow incredulously.
“Yeah, pretty much,” you wheeze, nodding at him until your smile grew wider in sudden realization. “Shit, baby, you’d take ‘go fuck yourself’s to a whole new level!”
“What the hell, Y/n?” He chuckled, trying not to burst out into any more insufferable laughter, “okay, first of all, who would—Why the fuck would I want to use a replica of my own fucking dick on myself? Like, if anything, it’s you who should be taking it.”
“Hey, you can’t just say that!” You hissed playfully, still smiling from the entire situation you found yourselves in. Suddenly, however, your eyes widened insightfully from an absurd epiphany you just had.
“Wait,” you began. “I mean… You do have a point, considering that your trip is coming up already… Holy shit, imagine that! While you’re going to be gone for a whole fuckin’ week, I could always use this weird clone shit on myself whenever I’m horny! Hell, it’s perfect since you’ve been going to so many business trips lately!” You joked exuberantly before letting out a delighted sigh. “Jesus, baby, this is so ridiculous…”
Chuckling to yourself, you placed the box back on the shelf, prompting a perplexed gaze from Derek—or rather, as he stared at it, a gaze of deep contemplation. You recognized this damn shit-faced look of his. After all, you’ve known him for years.
“Derek—” you began skeptically.
“Hold on, I’m thinking,” he interjects with a thoughtful finger to his chin before a sudden and mischievous smirk appears at his lips. “You know, that actually isn’t a bad idea.”
Completely dumbfounded and taken aback, you raised a suspecting eyebrow. “Wait. You’re not actually considering… I mean, I was just joking around earlier, I wasn’t actually being serious—”
“I know, but think about it, babe! I mean, hell, you even said it yourself! Every time you feel… needy while I’m out, especially on my long business trips, you could always, well… you know,” he grinned darkly, glancing toward the ridiculous sex toy, “and if you want, I could even call you while you—”
“Shush!” You hissed with a slight laugh. “Holy fuck, you’re actually turned on by this freaky shit, aren’t you?!” It was actually quite hypocritical of you to call him out like that, as you tried to push your own feelings of arousal to the side. “I mean, I’d be down, but… Are you actually being for real right now?”
He scoffs at your remarks, crossing his arms. “Yeah, I mean… I’d be lying if I said that the thought of you being that desperate for my cock wouldn’t turn me on.”
“Really? You’re kidding.” You gasp in utter disbelief. Frankly, you never would’ve expected Derek to be into this kind of stuff, even knowing firsthand that he could be pretty extreme. It was most likely the fact that it was a ‘penis molding kit’ that caught you off guard when your boyfriend genuinely considered it. “You’re actually—Because like, while I was joking, you know, I actually still wanted to get it, but I didn’t know if you were down, or—”
“Babe, this might be the weirdest yet sexiest fuckin’ thing I’ve ever thought of us doing. Of course I’m down.”
***
After bringing home the very ‘unique’ product the two of you purchased from the adult store, you and Derek had set up in the spacious kitchen of his (which was technically yours too, since you practically lived with him now). With all of your necessary supplies laid out on the counter as well as the kit’s included materials, you made it to the fifth step together. The counter’s surface was crowded with measuring cups, bowls, and the other required items as Derek’s lower half had been completely naked to prepare for the molding process. He was actually already jerking off vacantly, a cock ring against the base of his dick to keep him as hard as he could be for the mold.
“Oh my god, I can’t stop thinking about that,” you chuckle as you began to stir the mix of water with the kit’s included molding powder. “That was so fucking hilarious!”
“You’d think that—” Derek scoffs in amusement, practically interrupting himself. “When the cashier said I looked familiar, you’d think that she would’ve mentioned Danforth Enterprises or, hell, even my mom, right? But she thought—she fucking said—”
“Robby Apples!” You nearly cackle, continuing to mix the bowl’s contents after setting a timer for a minute, “She thought you were a fuckin’ porn star!”
“I—” he scoffs with a wide, amused grin on his lips, “Personally? I don’t see it. I don’t think we look alike, like, at all.”
“Right, right,” you chuckle softly, “but it’s the hair. It’s the hair, baby! The curls and stupid frosted tips, I bet that’s why she assumed that!”
“I mean, yeah, but Y/n… I’m way more famous than him. Like, I’m literally CEO of my company—hell, my mother is the President of the United fucking States! Like, how the hell do you mistake me for someone else?! Let alone a fucking porn star!” Derek huffs playfully, surprisingly not too offended by the mix-up. Usually his ego would be heavily bruised whenever someone didn’t recognize him immediately, but he was having way too much fun with you to even be serious about it. And you loved it.
“But, like…” you began with a slight smile, “to be fair, babe, she works at that sex shop. Her mind must be porn over politics.”
“Hey, just because she works at a sex shop doesn’t mean she’s a porn addict.” Derek then raises an eyebrow as he attempts to call you out, “Now that’s just assuming, isn’t it?”
You scowled, yet a small smirk still creeped upon your lips. “You’re talking to me about assuming? You’re—You say that as if you’re not the most judgmental asshole in the fucking world.”
“Ugh, fair point,” Derek shrugged in acceptance and self-awareness, not even bothering to argue because he knew you were right. Then, he paused thoughtfully. “That is a great slogan, though.”
“What, about assumptions?”
“No, ‘porn over politics.’”
“Oh, yes,” you nod with a hint of sarcasm, “The epitome of Derek Danforth.”
“Uh, no,” he scoffs quickly, “money and superiority is the epitome of Derek Danforth.”
You paused with a grimace on your face. “You did not just refer to yourself in the third person.”
“Wh—You do it all the time!” He exclaims.
“Uh, yeah,” you scoff, “ironically!”
Somehow, you didn’t notice until now that Derek was holding his phone in his hand, looking at the screen as he continued to stroke himself to sustain his erection. “Hey, what are you looking at, by the way?”
His eyes went up to you with an innocent, neutral expression. “Uhhh, your nudes.”
“You’re fucking kidding,” you chuckle.
“Uh, no,” he says, turning his phone around in an attempt to show you. “I’m literally going through them right now—”
“No, ew, don’t show me!” You laugh from embarrassment as you looked down at the mixing bowl you stirred, covering the peripheral view with your hand. As sexy as they were to Derek and to you during the time you were taking them, you really couldn’t take them seriously afterwards.
“Oh, don’t tell me you’re embarrassed, babe,” he teases knowingly, making you roll your eyes. “You look so hot in them.”
“Dude—Of course I’m fucking embarrassed!” You reasoned, “I thought it was hot until the post-nut fuckin’ clarity kicked in!”
Suddenly, the timer went off as the two of you laughed softly at your last comment. You were then prompted to instantly focus as you turned off the blaring alarm and grabbed the tube closer to yourself on the counter.
“You fully hard, baby?” You ask casually, beginning to pour the white mixture inside of the tube.
“Yup,” he nodded simply, watching you prepare for the molding process.
After you finished pouring in all of the thick molding substance, you grabbed the tube and walked closer to your boyfriend. “Okay, so we’re just molding your dick now, for like, two… two minutes, I think? And you’re just gonna have to stay hard like that and don’t move too much,” you giggle, “I have to act fast, though, because there’s a reason why the water had to be ninety degrees, alright?”
“Alright,” Derek chuckles, “go ahead, babe.”
After setting up a two minute timer on your phone, you slowly placed the tube full of the ‘molding gel’ over his dick, making some of the white, thick substance drip out onto the floor. The two of you already began to cackle, Derek groaning in slight disgust from the weird feeling that the texture of the paste gave him around his cock.
“This is really fuckin’ messy,” he raises an eyebrow as he watches the leftover mixture spill onto the smooth, quartz tiles of the kitchen floor. “And it feels really… really weird around my dick,” Derek laughs softly.
“Well, we were warned about the mess but… damn, I didn’t know it’d be this crazy,” you chuckle, holding the tube in place, allowing you to stand close to Derek’s naked body. “Also, I know what you’re thinking—You’re not allowed to make a joke about how the molding gel resembles your fucking jizz.” Derek frowns immediately as you giggle at his reaction.
Rolling your eyes, you lean in closer to your lover, placing some soft kisses on his bare shoulder and collarbone. You always believed that Derek’s body was so beautiful, and you couldn’t help but show him how much you loved it all the time. “I’m gonna miss you, you know that?” You mumble with your lips pressed against the warm skin of his shoulder.
“Me too, baby,” he sighs softly, “but I’ll be back before you know it, alright?”
“I’m gonna fuck myself so fucking hard with this weird ass thing when you’re gone.”
“Sorry,” you mumble afterwards, realizing what you had blurted caused Derek to become speechless.
Your filthy words had been delivered so bluntly and casually, gaining a low groan from Derek’s throat. “Fuck. You can’t just—Baby, please tell me you’ll get me off after we do this because, fuck, I’ve been so hard for so fucking long and you’re already making things worse with that kind of talk,” he complains, nearly pleading.
“Jeez, I said I was sorry...” Chuckling, you bury your face in his neck affectionately. “Don’t worry, babe, we have so much time after this. You can fuck me as hard as you want.”
“Fuck…” he moaned at the visual you gave him with your words.
Resting your lips contently in the crook of his neck, you let out a small snicker afterwards. “Dude, I can’t get that stupid fucking meme out of my head…”
“What meme?” Derek asked curiously, no longer focusing solely on his arousal he had for you.
“The fuckin’—Your mom, the Jessica Danforth one that they would—”
“Oh, my god,” he scoffs lightly with a smile, amused by recollection of a popular, new internet meme they made of the US President. “But that one is so fucking stupid.”
“Nuh-uh, it’s iconic because your mom is iconic,” you retort playfully, “and those ‘stupid’ memes ended up being genuine, effective marketing strategies towards her campaign.”
Honestly, it was kind of adorable to Derek that you thought that lousy, new generation memes of her was what mainly helped his mother’s campaign. It was less adorable, however, that it wasn’t really the case. If only you knew…
You leaned in, briefly connecting your soft lips with his, appreciating the intimacy of your closeness that this position bestowed upon the two of you. Your kiss had pushed his underlying guilt aside for now, melting in the short moment of sweetness.
“Hey, when can I get this thing off of me?” He asks suddenly once your lips had parted from each other.
You pursed your lips curiously. “Uhh, well, is it hard yet?”
“Baby, my dick has been hard the entire time for this, you know that.”
“No, I meant—” you giggled breathlessly, “I meant the molding gel, has it hardened yet?”
“Well, it feels like it, sort of,” he remarked with a shrug.
“Eh, we can just wait for the full two minutes,” you suggested, prompting that you both should wait until the timer ends.
Soon enough, the two of you had gone through the entire procedure. You removed the tube from Derek’s cock, placing it on the counter as you mixed the silicone packets together to pour that mixture into the mold. Then, you placed the included vibrator inside the tube through the hole of a cardboard cover that rested on the top of the rim to keep it from sinking completely down into the mold.
“We are… done,” you laugh softly, the two of you looking at the tube filled with liquid silicone, most certainly taking the form of Derek’s dick. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but we are going to have to wait, like, twenty-four hours until we can take it out of the mold.”
“Well, shit. I am actually both fucking terrified and excited to see how it’ll end up looking like,” he shrugs with a slight scoff.
“Your dick, but in a glow-in-the-dark green,” you reply with a simple nod. “So… What now?”
A thoughtful yet mischievous grin appears on Derek’s lips as his eyes trail hungrily over your body.
After eagerly stripping your pants and underwear down, Derek lifted you up on the edge of the kitchen table, lips never leaving yours as he kissed you deeply and passionately. He grabbed onto your thigh, lightly gasping at the rough grip as his other hand slipped under your shirt to feel the soft skin of your back. Derek actually used the hemp oil that you two purchased earlier (alongside the Clone-A-Willy), rubbing it over your sensitive groin, then pleasurably lubricating your entrance. “God, I need you so bad, baby,” he mumbles lustfully, pulling your hips closer to the edge of the counter to line himself up with you.
A soft, yet vocal moan escaped your lips as you feel his rock hard, throbbing cock stretching and pushing through your tight, needy hole. “Fuck, you feel so fucking good,” Derek grunts, eyes half-lidded as he looked at you with lust and admiration. And from this heavenly sensation, you had been reminded that he still had that cock ring on.
You giggled immaturely, “you know, I forgot you even had that o—” He moved both his hands to spread open your thighs, trailing back up to grip your hips as he began to slowly thrust inside of you, making you whine as you placed your hands on his shoulders. “D-Derek—” You choke out a moan as he gradually increases his pace, firmly pushing his hips against yours to get as deep inside of you as he could. His cock was so fucking hard, indisputably caused by the pressure of the ring, but also from how much your sole body turned him on.
The two of your moans echoed in the atmosphere of the kitchen, especially as you wrapped your legs tightly around his back, pushing him in even deeper. “Fuck,” you whined softly, feeling one of his hands trail under the back of your shirt again during each heavy thrust until he finally lifts it off of you, throwing the piece of fabric onto the floor.
Your insides had deliciously gripped Derek’s firm cock so tight, withdrawing a low, prolonged groan from his throat as he then picked up the pace. He pounded deeply into you, head hanging low as he focused on his hard thrusts.
“Shit!” You nearly cry, wrapping your arms around his neck as you started to feel more sensitive. “You’re so fucking hard, hell…”
“Am I usually not?” He teases with a smirk, not ceasing his movements anytime soon.
“Ugh, you know what I mean,” you panted breathlessly. “The fucking cock ring’s, like, making you even harder than you ever been. I can’t believe this only, like, the second time we’ve ever used it.”
“Are you implying that we should use it more?” He raises an eyebrow.
“Hell, yeah,” you replied with a satisfied moan.
“Fuck, baby,” Derek groans, hiding his face in your neck, briefly nipping at your flesh. “Fucking love how tight you feel around my fucking cock.”
You moaned at his sultry words, your arms leaving his neck and holding yourself up with your palms flat on the counter behind you, attempting to grind against his movements. “Fuuuck,” you mumble as your palms shifted behind you, nudging and almost knocking down the Clone-A-Willy tube that was still filled with un-solidified silicone. “Oh, shit!” Gasping in a short panic, you held it steady before it could fall and moved it away to the side.
“Jesus, babe, you almost spilled over my dick,” he scoffs with a chuckle, his thrusts slightly sloppy from this distraction.
“Oh, I’ll spill something over your dick, babe,” you joked swiftly with a playful smirk.
“Oh my god, you’re fucking terrible,” he groaned as a mere, amused smile formed at his lips.
“Shut up, I’m not the one who got mistaken for a porn star,” you retorted, flashing a teasing grin.
“God, never fucking bring that up again,” Derek huffs, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, I will, baby, I will so use it against you,” you claim humorously.
Suddenly, he lifts you up by your ass, away from the counter as he was still pressed deeply inside of you. Holding you up against him in the center of the kitchen floor, he thrusted up inside of you, creating a strong wave of pleasure throughout your entire being.
“Fuck!” You cried as his fingernails dig into the skin of your ass, pushing his cock in and out of your sensitive hole. “Jesus fuckin’ Christ, babe, you might not be a porn star, but you sure as hell fuck like one, shit…” The harsh sounds of flesh slapping against flesh echoed lewdly in the kitchen as he continued holding you up, and even guiding and pushing your hips skillfully against his.
Finally, he brought the two of you over on a chair, sitting down against it as you were positioned on top, his dick completely inside of you. “Ride me, baby,” he mutters, cupping your face gently, yet pulling you in urgently for a deep, wet kiss, shoving his tongue through your lips.
Breaking the kiss, Derek’s hands explored and caressed the warm, smooth skin of your body, muttering lustful praises to you. This prompted you to begin moving, placing your hands on his shoulders as your hips would gently grind against his. “Mmm,” you hum softly in pleasure before your head is thrown back the moment you increase your pace.
You let your knees assist you in bouncing on his thick cock, feeling his arms being wrapped around your back tightly to bring you in closely and intimately. “Fuck, baby…” Derek huffs, attempting to move his hips up with yours.
This position was short-lived, however, because of Derek’s urgency to fuck you fast and properly, lifting you back up once again. He made out with you as he held you, kissing your lips roughly and hotly while we stumbled towards the living room to finally throw you down on the couch.
He immediately grabbed your legs, lifting them up to place your ankles over his shoulders, nipping softly at your legs in admiration before thrusting back in.
“Fuck!” He groans, moving his hips at a much rougher and faster rate, practically pounding into you with both lust and love.
“Shit, Derek!” You whimper, feeling his cock slide in and out of you so fluidly, stretching and caressing your sensitive walls. From all the buildup of the previous positions, you felt so close already. “Fuck, baby. I—I’m gonna cum—”
“Just—fuck—hold on a little longer, baby,” he mutters, ramming his dick inside of you without faltering, focusing on driving the both of you to the very edge.
“Baby…” You whined desperately, looking up at him as you felt yourself begin to clench around him. And that really did it for him.
“Fuuuck,” Derek moaned, his movements against you beginning to stagger, “Cum for me, baby, c’mon.”
A loud, whiny moan escaped your lips as your back arched up against him, tensing up as you finally released. Your tight, fleshy walls around Derek prompted him to come right after, spilling his warm, white semen deep inside of you, muttering a few curse words before collapsing on top of you.
The both of you panted heavily, struggling to catch your breaths as you felt each other’s sweaty, naked body against one another’s. You chuckle breathlessly, feeling so content from the overwhelming ecstasy that your orgasm bestowed upon yourself.
“So good,” Derek whispered, kissing your lips in a sloppy, lazy manner, “you did so good for me, sweetheart.”
***
“What in… the actual fuck.”
The next day, after it had been exactly 24 hours since you’ve poured in the silicone inside of the mold, you and Derek took it out, revealing his glow-in-the-dark, cloned dick.
The two of you looked down at the new dildo, then looked at each other before cackling loudly and heartily, your laughs echoing in the kitchen where you had done the reveal.
“Oh, my god, it looks—it looks exactly fucking like it, babe!” You exclaim in disbelief, nearly wheezing as you hold the light green, phallic object in your grasp.
“That is,” he began, trying to recover from his previous, hearty laughter, “fucking insane. It’s so uncanny, like… it looks so real.”
“Dude, look at all the detail!” You urged, small snickers escaping your throat, “like even the veins and the fucking—what—frenulum, like… What the hell?!”
“And it’s such a bright ass neon green, holy shit,” Derek chuckled, continuing to examine the silicone.
“Hey, it matches your entire vibe, at least. You know. Green. Money. Ehh?”
The two of you giggled childishly, enjoying the absolute absurdity of this entire situation. “God, only you, Y/n, could get me to do the stupidest fucking things that I would never be willing to do for, like, anybody else,” Derek remarked with a slight smile.
”Hey, you were up for it too,” you scoffed, rolling your eyes, “I was joking about it first, but you were the one who took it seriously!”
“Uh, you were the one who grabbed it first,” retorted Derek.
“And you were the one who took it seriously when I was joking,” you repeated, chuckling softly in amusement.
“I—” But before he could say anything, he realized that you were right. “God fucking dammit.”
***
Tomorrow, Derek would have left for the business trip, the two of you saying your goodbyes before he would disappear into his private jet. And the day after, as your lover stayed at a luxurious hotel, lounging comfortably on the bed, he received a few texts from you during the night:
Y/n: hey
Y/n: it actually does glow in the dark btw
Y/n: [sent an attachment]
Derek’s eyes widened instantly, jaw dropping at the sight of the diabolically lewd image you had just sent him. Including the familiar, bright green item in the frame, of course.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
Written for the @au-roulette 2025. I mixed the academia and sports promt a little bit and ended up with silly smut. You're welcome.
Story by victims-of-love
Beta'd by @di-42
Words: 1425
Rating: E
Pairing: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Summary:
This year, literature teacher Aziraphale joined the teachers' team for the school volleyball tournament.
Why did he join, again? Ah, yes: For hot PE teacher Mr. Crowley, of course.
Perpetua doesn’t like to make things easy for you, and he also loves to put a silly spin on things when he’s horny.
If you’re up to it he’ll try and interrupt you while you’re playing on your Switch and start softly making out with your pussy, almost teasing.
“What are you doing?” You giggle, your heart fluttering as you peer down between your legs where his head is at.
“Oh nothing, just keep playing your game, sweetness” He gives you a fanged smile before continuing.
It took him under ten minutes to get you to break into a sweat and panting for more. The grip on your switch could break it any second. You pant out hotly in the air.
“B-Baby, I can’t-“
He tuts. His nose nuzzling into your inner thigh.
“Keep playing, if you come before I do” he motions to himself, giving the mattress a good hump “You have to buy me ice cream”
You huff out a laugh, “What!?”
He only taps a claw against the plastic of your switch before going down on you again and this time you are determined to win against this silly game he’s gotten you into. You try and think of anything else but nothing too off putting to take you out of the mood. The great outdoors, butterflies, his hot sweaty clothes after a show or rehearsal-now wait a minute!
You can hear him losing himself as the bed creaks and his moans are louder, the vibration skittering up your spine from your pelvis.
Perpetua suckles your clit and you feel like the world is going to explode. Your toes curl, your whines pitch higher and right as you feel a trickle leaves your cunt you hear him grunt and still, watching his hips jerk before slowing down. He’s completely winded and high in an after glow as his eyes reach yours. Pet’s eyes soften and swoon in the presence of you.
He said the loser had to buy the other ice cream, but you had another challenge for him now. You take your shaky hand and bury it in his curled locks, pressing his lips back down on your cunt again. He grunts in surprise when he makes contact but keeps his eyes locked on you.
“Make me cum, baby, and I’ll buy you ice cream” you tell him nicely. His eyes brighten pleasantly beneath you. You pet his hair and place your switch to the side as you begin to feel his tongue move between your folds with a smile.
We never popped that popcorn (2283 words) by Danae Klimt
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Original Work
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: OMC/ OFC/ OMC, OFC / OMC, Threesome - FMM
Additional Tags: Cunnilingus, Oral Sex, Vaginal Sex, Phone Sex, Webcam/Video Chat Sex, Voyeurism, Exhibitionism, Vaginal Fingering, Fingerfucking, Sex Talk, POV First Person
Series: Part 2 of My Boyfriend, My Boyfriend, and Me
Summary:
If you can't be there in person, you can still participate online: a principle that applies to a lot of things.
They were in like now if not love. Eddie was going to burrow his way into Steve’s heart just as deeply as he was currently burrowing into Steve’s ass. There was no stopping him now. “That’s it, baby. Take it. Take it all.”
(Yesterday ~someone~ sent me a link to the Testicuzzi website and suggested that it would be a great gift for Rhett to give to Link.. Apparently I can’t resist crack fic prompts so here we are..)
Having both families together at Christmas is a new thing, and there’s excitement in the air as everyone tears at their gifts. With kids and adults distracted unwrapping, Rhett leans over to slip a gift bag to Link. He’s got a mischievous grin on his face, and Link furrows his brow at him, smirks, and takes the gift from him.
Link reaches inside the bag and pulls out a square-shaped object wrapped in tissue paper. He carefully unwraps it and looks at it for a second. It appears to be a large ashtray so Link turns it around in his hand to get a better look at it. There are letters on one side.
Testicuzzi
“What’s that, Dad?”
Link jumps a little, nearly dropping the testicuzzi. “What?”
“That.” From his spot on the floor, Lando points to the thing in Link’s hand. “What is it?”
“Oh it’s a– ” Link quickly slides his thumb over the lettering and holds it up for Lando to see, “it’s an ashtray.”
“For what?”
“Ashes.”
“But you don’t smoke.”
“That’s right, and you shouldn’t either.”
Link drops the testicuzzi back into the gift bag and crams it down between his thigh and the chair.
Lando gives him an odd look but doesn’t ask anything more and his attention turns back to his own gifts.
Link shoots a glance Rhett’s way and he finds Rhett smirking at him.
Later, when the kids are off in another room distracted by their new gifts, Link, Rhett, and Jessie finish tidying up the last bits of torn wrapping paper, ribbons, and bows. Christy is out in the kitchen checking on the turkey, and Link has the gift bag shoved under his arm, where it’s been since he left the chair he’d been sitting in.
There’s a twitter of laughter from behind him and then Jessie says “Link, you gonna test out your little hot tub?”
Link spins around to look at her, his eyes wide, “does everyone know about this thing?”
“Everyone but you, hun,” Jessie winks, “Rhett’s been itching to get his balls into it.”
“Hey,” Rhett says loudly from across the room, “please don’t say itchin’ and my balls in the same sentence.”
Jessie just laughs. “You two should go somewhere private and test it out.”
“Right now?”
Jessie waves them off. “Dinner’s already cooking, and Christy’s opening the wine. We don’t need you guys around right now. Go hop in the hot tub together.”
“I don’t think we’ll both fit,” Rhett interrupts. “You know I got big– ”
“Hush!” Jessie laughs, gesturing to the other room where the kids are. “We know, but they don’t want to know. I’m sure you two can make it work.”
Christy steps into the room holding two glasses of wine. She hands one to Jessie, and then looks over at Link who is still holding the bag under his arm. “What’re you up to?”
“He’s about to go test out his ball bath,” Jessie answers for him, and Christy laughs.
Link just stares at her. “You knew about this too?”
“It’s all Rhett’s been talkin’ about for weeks. I’m surprised he didn’t let it slip to you.” Christy gestures to the doorway. “You boys better hurry before supper’s ready.”
Rhett walks over and takes the bag from under Link’s arm and pulls him towards the door. “Come on, let’s go upstairs.”
“Ball bath!?” Christy’s laughter trickles into the hallway behind them as Jessie replies, “Sack soak?”
Link can still hear the girls laughing as he follows Rhett up the stairs.
“What in the world made you buy me this?” Link whispers as they walk.
“Well you like your bidet so much,” Rhett replies, looking back over his shoulder, “I thought you’d like a bath for your balls.”
It’s true, Link does love his bidet. So having a tiny bath for his testicles might be nice.
They step into Link’s bedroom and Link shuts and locks the door behind them. He sets the bag on the bed and heads to the bathroom to fetch some towels. He can hear the clink of Rhett’s belt buckle and by the time he’s back with an armful of towels Rhett is already stripped naked.
“You in a hurry, brother?”
“Man, I’ve been waitin’ to test out this thing!” Rhett replies. “I already put batteries in it and everything! I was gonna try it at home but Jessie said it was your gift so I should wait for you.”
Link shoots him a hurt look, though he’s not really hurt over it. “You were gonna do it without me?”
“Just to test it! I was gonna do it with you too,” Rhett smiles, gesturing to his naked body, “and look, here I am.”
“Well, help me put these towels down and then we’ll get some water. I assume it needs water.”
“Yeah,” Rhett speads out a towel at their feet, “pretty sure that’s all it needs.”
“And balls.”
Rhett laughs. “And balls.”
They get the towels spread out and Rhett volunteers to fill the testicuzzi with water while Link undresses.
"Hot?" Rhett calls to him.
"Yeah, but not crazy hot. Don't wanna burn my boys"
He can hear Rhett chuckling to himself in the bathroom, "Your boys.."
Link strip off his clothes, not wanting to risk getting them wet, and he’s naked when Rhett returns. Rhett’s balancing the little hot tub carefully, trying not to spill any water on the floor.
"You can go first" Rhett offers, and Link smiles at him. It’s his gift, but he knows Rhett’s been waiting to try it, so its a nice gesture.
"You want me to hold it for you? Or you wanna..?" Rhett awkwardly offers him the testicuzzi, hesitating a bit as if he's trying to decide whether to put it in Link’s hand or hold it down near his balls.
"I'll hold it the first time," Link replies, taking the device from Rhett and switching it on.
The water starts to bubble immediately and the little hot tub emits a low hum and a bubbly sound as the water churns.
Link glances up at Rhett who is looking at him expectantly.
He lowers the machine a bit further while trying to look down at it at the same time.
"So my balls go in there.. but where's my dick go?"
Rhett reaches out to tap the little silicone piece on the top. "Right there, like a little bench."
Link lifts his flaccid dick, pulling it up so he can maneuver his balls into the mini hot tub. He's hunched over a little awkwardly, his hips jutting out, and he's up on his tiptoes as if somehow that will help.
Rhett is standing right in front of him, watching closely, ready to lend a hand if Link needs it. He's watching with curiosity as Link lowers his sack into the bubbles.
"Oh.." Link says, almost unsure about it at first because his testicles feel like they’re floating in the swirling water. He rests his dick on the silicone and he’s surprised to find he’s already growing hard as the hot water licks and teases at his balls.
Rhett watches as his cock swells. "Does it feel good?"
"Yeah, it’s kinda moving them around in there," Link replies, trying to find the right words to describe it. "It feels nice."
Rhett laughs. "Just nice?"
"I mean, yeah, it's warm and wet and just.. nice."
He soaks in it for a few minutes, just enjoying the warm tickly feeling. Rhett watches, seemingly interested as he leans down to examine it and looks back up to check Link’s expression.
Eventually Rhett reaches down and grips his dick with one hand and cradles his balls in the other, as if he’s debating whether or not to step forward and shove them in alongside Link’s.
After staring for a bit longer, he tries it, pushing his balls against Link’s groin, trying to slip them into the water. But it’s clear there’s no way two sets of testicles will fit.
“I don’t think my balls are gonna fit in there with you,” Rhett finally says.
Link shakes his head. “Definitely not.”
Rhett lets go of his sack and stares, distracted, as he gives his half-hard dick a slow tug.
“Can I put my hand in?”
“Yeah.”
There’s not really room for his whole hand, but he eases a few fingers in and gently touches Link’s balls, cupping his sack as best he can and and running his fingers along it.
“Feels soft.”
“Yeah..” Link smiles, his voice trailing off, “it’s the water..”
His cock is full, resting on the silicone, but he’s long and the head of it is right off the bench. He drips a little from the end of it and Rhett is distracted by it as he eases his hand out of the hot tub.
“Is that just water, or..” Rhett thumbs at it and lets out an “ahh” when he realizes it’s slick.
He immediately drops to his knees and takes the tip of Link’s dick in his mouth.
“Oh god, Rhett..” Link watches him, enjoying the warmth of Rhett’s lips and tongue on him combined with the warmth of the churning water. “That feels good..”
He tips his head back, throwing himself off balance for a second and some water sloshes out of the testicuzzi.
“Careful,” Rhett says, his voice a low rumble, and Link knows Rhett isn’t really worried about the water. He’s likely more concerned that Link will get distracted by it and want to pause what they’re doing so he can clean it up.
But Link isn’t even thinking about the water, he can only focus on Rhett’s mouth on him and the ticklish warmth rushing around his balls. Rhett sucks him deeper, pulling his cock up off the silicone, and Link thrusts his hips forward, sloshing more water onto the floor.
“Gonna be empty,” Rhett grumbles as he licks over him.
“We can refill it,” Link gasps, reaching down to card his fingers through Rhett’s hair.
Rhett gives him another slow suck. “You wanna go like this?”
It takes a moment for Link to even realize what he’s talking about and he shakes his head, pulling his dick out of Rhett’s mouth. “You need a turn.”
Link is frantic with it suddenly, wanting to be fair, and wanting Rhett to see how it feels before they come. He eases his balls out of the water and they feel a little sensitive and soft after being in the bubbles for so long. The cool air hits them and they shrink up a little, pulling in closer to his body.
He grabs Rhett by the forearm, trying to ease him up off the floor. “I’m gonna refill it and you can go.”
“You sure?” Rhett stands, wrapping a hand around his cock and giving it another stroke, and Link realizes he’d been too distracted by the blowjob to notice Rhett was already hard.
“Yeah,” Link grins at him, “you’ve been waiting. You’re gonna love it.”
Link rushes into the bathroom, his own dick still hard between his legs, and he refills the device with hot water. Rhett’s standing in the same spot when he returns, holding his dick in one hand and his balls in the other. He looks excited as he waits to dip them, so Link just reaches over with the device and holds it still while Rhett eases his sack in.
Rhett immediately lets out a high pitched giggle. “Oh ho ho ho ho! Ohhhh!”
Link just grins up at him, holding the little hot tub in place. “You alright, brother?”
“It tickles so much!” Rhett’s eyes close and Link can see his body tense up. “It’s like tickle fingers for my balls!”
“You like it?”
“Man, I LOVE IT.”
“You want me to– ” Link gestures awkwardly, trying to figure out how he can make Rhett feel good while also holding the bubbling device in place. “I can– if you just hold– ”
“Okay, yeah,” Rhett regains his senses for just a moment, attempting to grab the testicuzzi, but he’s overcome with the tickle sensation again, “ohhhh hee hee ahhhhh oh ho ho! Oh god! Oh god it tickles!”
Rhett’s hand moves from the device up to Link’s shoulder and settles there, gripping tightly as if he’s using Link for balance.
“Dude.”
“Just hold it,” Rhett gasps, “hold it there. I might come just like this. I might.. Oh god, Link, it’s so tickly...”
Rhett’s stiff cock rests on the little silicone bench and Link watches as it strains and leaks.
“It really feels that good for you?”
“Man,” Rhett gasps, “you should know, you were leakin’ too. Ahhhh ha ha ohhhhh god!”
Link stares at him, wide-eyed, holding the bubbling device in one hand while Rhett loses his mind in the testicuzzi. With Rhett’s hand on his shoulder, Link is sort of stuck in one place and can’t bend down to suck him off. He could stroke him a bit, but Rhett seems more than happy with his current situation, so after a moment of consideration Link licks his fingertips and raises his free hand to slide a couple fingers over Rhett’s nipple, teasing.
“Oh fuck...” Rhett breathes, “yeah, do that, Link, do that, ohhh..”
Link skims his wet fingers over him, teasing one nipple and then the other, giving them each a soft slick pinch before licking his fingers and starting again.
Rhett’s eyes are closed, his head tipped back, and soft little ‘ahh haa haa ahhh’ sounds fall from his mouth as his balls bob around in the bubbling water, and his dick lifts and strains on the tiny silicone bench as Link slicks wetness over his nipples.
“I’m gonna come,’ he groans, “Fuck, Link, I’m gonna come.”
“You want me to– ”
“No, just keep– ahhh fuck..”
Rhett’s grip tightens on Link’s shoulder, and Link watches as Rhett’s dick pulses and shoots, untouched, spurting ropes of white cum onto the towels on the floor.
After a moment, Rhett eases his head up and gives Link a lazy blissed-out smile as he lifts his balls out of the testicuzzi. Their lack of time seems to dawn on him suddenly and he grabs for the device, motioning for Link to put his balls back in it. They’re in a hurry, because they know dinner will be ready soon, and Rhett is anxious to make Link come.
“Your turn! It’s your turn again.”
Link waves away the device “I don’t want that.”
“You don’t? What’d’ya want?”
Link grins. “Just your mouth.”
“Well that’s easy,” Rhett grins back at him and steps forward.
“Watch it!” Link warns. “You’re gonna step in jizz!”
Rhett bends down and grabs the offending towel, crumpling it up and firing it through the bathroom door. Then he kneels in front of Link and reaches for him, grabbing the back of one thigh and pulling him forward. “C’mere.”
Rhett takes Link in his mouth and Link sighs as he’s enveloped in soft wet heat.
As Rhett sucks, his hand comes up to touch Link’s balls, rubbing gently over them. Link can tell they’re still smooth and soft from their soak.
“Soft?” he asks, and Rhett hums confirmation against his dick.
Rhett slides his tongue down, licking over the smooth skin of Link’s balls. It’s different than the usual feel of it, better, and Link spreads his legs wider, planting his feet as he slips his fingers into Rhett’s hair.
Rhett licks over him, and Link’s legs are trembling as Rhett sucks on the tip of his dick and fingers over his balls, slick and wet and smooth and soft, teasing the water-soaked sensitive skin there.
Link sighs, “feels so good.. so soft..”
The words seem to push Rhett on, and he’s sucking Link down, taking him as far as he can as he strokes and teases his balls. Link can feel his climax coming, starting right where Rhett’s fingers touch him and rushing through his sack and straight up his dick.
“Rhett..” he manages to choke out, and Link can only grip Rhett’s hair as he comes.
Rhett’s hands move to grab Link’s thighs and he pulls him as close as he can, burying his face in Link’s groin as Link’s dick pulses in his mouth and shoots wet heat down his throat.
There’s a soft knock at the door, and Link quickly pulls his spent dick out of Rhett’s mouth.
Jessie’s voice echoes from the other side, “Dinner’s almost on the table. You boys better get dry and get downstairs.”
“Almost done,” they reply in unison, and they can hear her laugh as she heads back downstairs.
Link leans over to cup Rhett’s chin and kiss him.
“Maybe you should take that thing home with you. I think you like it more than I do.”
Rhett gives him a mild look of disappointment. “You don’t like it?”
“Dude, I like it.. But you came all over my floor and we didn’t even touch your dick.”
“Okay, true.” Rhett smiles and gestures to Link’s groin. “But it made your balls nice and soft.”
“It did,” Link laughs. “So maybe I’ll come to your place and use it sometimes.”
“Deal.”
They quickly wash up and redress, and Link shoves the testicuzzi back in the bag before tucking it under Rhett’s arm. They give each other a quick kiss and then they head downstairs for Christmas dinner.
“Great ashtray,” Rhett says loudly as they walk down the stairs to rejoin the rest of the house.
