This might come out like word vomit
I'm going to list some things that have been going on. It's alot. My mind is filled with just a lot of things.
1. Last night I went out to a bar. We sat on the patio and a random group of guys joined our table. I was the sober driver, and the only sober person at the table. It felt pretty good to actually be the one watching the shit show, not the actual shit show. Anyways, my friend Carl decided to lay it on my that he is gay. It wasn't a big surprise, I've always kind of wondered but let him do his own thing. He told me that he has had a rough year and it is taking him a lot of time to tell people what is going on with him. He also made me cry a little bit. He told me he friends people who have qualities he wishes to possess himself. He told me that when he first met me I was such a strong person. I know who I am and if you don't like it, ok you don't like it. He says he wishes he could just be as confident as I am.
- First of all, I never really considered myself to be confident. But maybe it has come with the final acceptance of my introversion and how people will not understand it but they don't have too. I don't have to explain myself. I am an introvert which means, well it took me awhile, that I know myself very well and I don't have to explain myself to anyone who doesn't get it.
I am so proud of my friend for coming out to me, and I'm so glad that he is finding himself and on his way to becoming a confident, strong human being. He has some work to do, as we all do, but I have total faith in him. I also think that God loves us all the same, and any christian who shuns a gay person is comitting just as great of a sin by not loving their brother/sister as themselves, which is actually a commandment while being homosexual is not.
2. My friend told me that I don't have a boyfriend because I am too much of a bitch. I think that my being strong often gets confused for being a bitch. I never go out of my way to hurt anyone or bring someone down. I don't immediately introduce myself to new people at work because as I said, I am an introvert, and that terrifies me. But after working with them for a while I would love to get to know them. It hurt a lot when she said that. I know I can be a bitch in the best word of the sense, a strong, semi-outspoke when things need to be said, and honest. Honesty scares people. I then asked the guys at work if they backed this up, with which they said they would both date me. Which I felt a lot better about, but it really kind of cut me. As being single for such a long period of time will do.
3. Which brings me to my next point. I creeped on my ex yesterday. Totally not intentional. Anyways, he seems to be doing well. Still with his girlfriend and his profile picture is him in a cap and gown with his mom, graduation with what I think is honors. Guess he kept that scholarship he was so worried about. He isn't as cute as I remember. There wasn't a single picture where I was like oh yeah, he looks good. He doesn't even look like the guy I dated. I think he put on some weight for rugby and probably drinks alot. His girlfriend really is not pretty. But I'm not saying that out of jealousy. I'm kind of confused that he dated me and then her, I don't really get it. But it isn't for me to get. I guess I was just comparing myself to her. There isn't anything to compare. The Joe I knew is gone and replaced with a guy that is dating a different girl. The Joe I knew left a long, long time ago. And I'm never going to know him again. Which is okay, it's just weird. It didn't hurt to see him like it used too. I think it was just such a big shock to see someone in replace of the person I used to know. And I looked at my pictures and it was also a different me. A better me, a more polished me, a more happier me. I am a lot happier and a lot more full since we broke up. I'm glad that I didn't date someone like he did, though I kind of feel like a loser sometimes. But a lot of people have told me that I can do really really great, and God willing I hope that he is worth the wait.
4. I have a place to live now. Whitney is signing a lease and I get to move in with her until I have a game plan. It is a huge relief to not be homeless, God definitely is providing for me. She was funny last night, usually her flirtation with guys bothers me but the weird thing was all the guys were wanting to talk to me by the end of the night because I was just real and down to earth. Whitney is great too, but she was very drunk. She always is so great telling me how beautiful and smart I am, and how I deserve someone great. I'm so glad she is my friend and my little saving grace this summer.
5. I think I'm going to be ok. I know exactly what I want to do, the trouble is finding a place to allow me to do it. I'm praying God will open doors for me this next six months. I'm so grateful for the amazing travels I have gotten to do, the great people I have gotten to meet, and the start of what I hope will be a job that makes me happy. He put a will in my heart to really do something, I'm excited to see what will happen. Also a little scared, but excited.
Jeremiah 29:11- For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
