Never Really Goes Away
I had a dream about Joe last night, since this used to be my heartbreak blog I’ve decided to return and talk about it. Last night in my dream Joe came back and we had a heart to heart. We forgave eachother for the things we couldn’t control. We sat down on the fireplace that was at my old child hood house, the one my parents moved from, and we were so honest with eachother. Nathan, my current boyfriend and soon to be fiancee, was there. And all was well. Joe worked at the same place as Nathan after our talk and I could walk in and out and just say, Bye Joe. It was so strange. But part of me feels like all I want is forgiveness, all I want to give is forgiveness. I think I have given it out my end, but his silence on the other end sometimes worries me. Does he not know that I forgive him, that it would be so nice to be given forgiveness for how I hurt him? Him forgiving me would be a huge step, and in my dream he wrote to me all he had been doing in the past five years, and how he was sorry to block me out. He would be a grown up if he forgave me. He would be the person I wished he would be if he forgave me. But he never was the person I wanted him to be. Nathan is the person I wished he could be. I guess in a way the world gave me what my heart needed, he just came in a completely different package. Which is just fine by me. I will always love Joe. I will always love the feelings he gave to me, the way he made me feel like my heart might explode, or stop beating if it were a case of a breakup. He was exciting and devastating, all at once. He was what I most wanted, but nothing that I needed. Sometimes I wish we could meet again, and I could just know that he turned out to be a good man. That’s all I could ever want for him. But would I fall in love with him again if that were the case? Is that why we don’t cross paths? Because the universe ran our course, and now wants us to stay apart. I can accept that. Even if it means making peace in my dreams.
The real heartbreak of my world now is that I cannot find a job I am passionate about. I feel like I am walking around in a dizziness of interests and I can plant my feet down. I watch Veneta have great jobs where she gets paid to do what she loves to do. I see my sister get raises and love, for the most part, what she is doing. I only feel that way at Adventure Club. I only feel that way around those kids. I just quit the job I have as a personal assistant. I don’t want anything to do with assistant work, office work, or with co-workers/managers that I do not love and respect. I know that I am learning, that I am trying a bunch of paths before I plant my feet. But I’m frustrated. I am an artist I guess, though maybe not confident enough to admit that I am yet. I just don’t know if the things I love will ever provide me with a career path I love. But life isn’t about money for me, it’s about loving people. Maybe that makes me a hippie as well, but I’m not into drugs and free love. Love is given wholly and fully, and I think people need to give it more and spend their time in the places where they can love at their fullest potential. Someone once said that life isn’t a bank account, and finally I could relax in that thought. Life is love and heartbreak and climbing and falling, finding yourself, helping others find themselves, creating art, getting lost in nature, letting nature surround you, life is immersing yourself in culture, writing down your thoughts, making dreams, letting dreams die to create better dreams, life is creation, and in the end it is death. But death leads to more life. Nowhere in my definition of life do I give a shit about money. So I follow my heart and I find my next journey.
