#sisters 0

[gayghost69]

im just gonna play the sims til 3 when my little sister and cousin get here and then im gonna shit into Maximum Overdrive and do all the chores and shit i should b doing right now 👌

[gayghost69]

im writing poetry cuz thats who i am now i guess

i remember each of them

in the kind of perfect detail that only comes when something is wrapped up in heavy emotions the kind that leave you breathless with their intensity

first my mom who had abandoned me for 2 years i remember i had just been thinking what if she didnt come back the only other option my brain supplied was death i couldnt the possibility of her never coming back of her just living a new life somewhere else never even occurred to me

so one day my dad and stepmom called me in their room to have a ‘talk’ it was sunny and they told me she passed and i said okay and went back in my room and compartmentalized and suppressed like i never have before i didnt cry for so long she had been gone so long nothing was different except there was no longer any possibility of her coming home

so that sucked

second she had been so sick she was in the hospital for a month two months my stepmom and dad were barely home they came in in passing once a day maybe one would sleep at home one night while the other slept at her bedside

when they were gone for 2 solid days i knew i knew i knew i knew i knew i wouldnt let the words form though i could know i could feel but unless it was put into words it wasnt real it wasnt happening

my sister and i watched 10 whole seasons of greys anatomy during those two months every spare moment we would indulge in a fake hospital with fake drama fake patients fake death

i dont remember what episode we were on we were watching when they both came home together i knew i knew i knew i was eating ice cream she screamed and sobbed i almost threw up it was in words and it was real and she was dead she is dead

third my grandma had cancer and beat it for years she was fine and then it was back and i moved states and she practically raised me because that last time wasnt the first time my mom had left she raised me taught me to cook and sew and play cards and crochet and play scrabble and upwards and almost every other board game

and i abandoned her i stopped calling her i stopped picking up the phone i didnt answer her letters i still dont know why why did i do this why was talking to her something i suddenly couldnt do anymore

my aunt called she was in a hospice center and the end was nearing we drove 9 hours from north carolina back to maryland she was so small she had always been plump and full of life and here she was less than a third of what i remembered

she was in and out because of the morphine but she was so happy to see me she teased about me not talking to her and i cried i cried and cried and she said it was okay and she loved me

i thought she would hold on a bit longer the next day at my childhood home i went through the whole house marveling how things had stayed the same even when it had changed i thought i had more time

i dont remember who called she passed her body was still on the bed they explained a priest had come she had talked to everyone who had come and was coming she was ready to go so she did i cried the moment i set foot in the room i have learned its best to cry from the start

she confessed to me she had known my mom was gong to leave and of course i said it was alright she couldnt have stopped her it was alright and four years dead six years gone im alright with it even if she had stopped her that time she would have just left later and not told her so i think its alright

leaving the hospice center im done crying my stepmom is not shes sad because she liked my grandma but mostly because this is only one month after my little sister

we’re in a rental car its chilly in maryland its been raining the song that comes on as im flipping through stations is another one bites the dust by queen

this is still so so so funny to me hilarious my mom laughed then cried harder and almost threw up

we were the first to leave but almost the last to arrive back at grandmas house we had to calm down first

funerals funerals funerals always bad so so bad i hide in the bathroom as much as i can i hate seeing them their bodies dead waxy painted in my sisters case the medicine had made her bloated and the kidney failure gave her a yellow palor they painted all of her skin it was too orange she looked she was dead and it was horrible its always so horrible

[gayghost69]

lol my father just asked if i wanted to volunteer at this grief camp 4 kids that my two little sisters went to last summer   and like if that aint a nightmare in every possible way

[gayghost69]

had a dream my litttle sister who died was not dead and it was just a normal day and we were goofing around but i kept thinking i thought she was supposed to be dead? but then i waas like of course shes not dead shes right here??? 

and then ji woke up and i didnt realize she was actually dead until i was in the shower,, and u know im sure ill have abreak down about this in a minute but right now... she was laughing and smiling and it feels like i got to see how she would be like right now if she hadnt died and she was happy so thanks for that at least brain

[gayghost69]

oh so my littlest sister was sobbing for like an hour cuz her friend who’s our next door neighbor said something along the lines of “do you want to lose me like you lost Beth” (our sister who died earlier this year) and like :) buddy :) :) :) why would u ever

[gayghost69]

i   miss my sister

[gayghost69]

tagged by @ghostbusters1989

i tag: @starkindler, @ihatejeremyblaire, @leonskennedy, @leliaana, @genehazard, @heartsickclub, and anyone else who wants to do it

LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED ON DVD: Scooby Doo and the Alien Invasion w/ my little sister

THEATER: Captain America Civil War, it was great, i had a panic attack but it was great

LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Sun by Two Door Cinema CLub

LAST BOOK YOU READ: its been... a long time idk

LAST THING YOU ATE: pizza lunchable

IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?: Friendly’s the restaurant eating quesadillas and a hot fudge sunday;; they dont have any in the devil’s armpit aka north carolina aka where ive lived for the past 4 yrs anfd i cry myself to sleep every night because of that

WHEN WOULD YOU TIME TRAVEL TO: like ~200 years ago, put a bunch of money in the bank with a good interest rate, leave it to myself in the will and flash forward ~90 yrs, fake my death, do it all over again till present time, bathe in a bath tub full of money

FIRST THING YOU WOULD DO WITH LOTTERY MONEY: move out into a nice little apartment/house, save the rest WAIT!! build a friendly’s restaurant here and eat there evfery day

FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU WOULD HANG OUT WITH: mmm captain america and co ?

WHAT WAS THE LAST FANDOM YOU JOINED: overwatch? i guess 

TIME RIGHT NOW: 3:54 PM

[gayghost69]

ALSO Like if I get a fuckfin job then who’s gonnna watch the kids ??? i’m not putting that on my 12 year old little sister cuz shit suvcks pal