I don't know why am I feeling like this
TW: Suicidal thoughts
After going to Japan and Vietnam trip, I feel burnout, more depressed, seasons feeling because of the change of fall, eating habits like I am eating less but not more than that, my energy level with no motivation, hygiene cleaning is very bad, and I have been sleeping more. the lessons that taught me something is I should have travel alone. I thought it would be fun to travel with someone who hasn't traveled internationally. The thing is that when I was traveling with two of my family. they both drain my energy, the way they talked to me was acceptable to the point one of my family members talked behind my back and criticized me which my mom asked me what am I looking for so that she could say I needed to be responsible for my things. This was the day in Japan. I am looking for my phone and I would like her to stay out of my business when she says that I need to learn while I am basically looking for my thing. she says people care by talking which is seriously not helpful at all to me. after that, I cried about my suicidal thoughts about wanting to kill myself. one of my family members joke about it which shows me that this is NOT a matter to joke about a sibling having this is just acceptable. the thoughts of her are like I have the worst human being ever to live and she doesn't understand me at all. After crying, I have a personality that I say something like I didn't know that. It was about an Instagram post. I already said it out loud before she says Can I say it in my head which isn't helpful. When I went to the gate to Vietnam, she judged me on one of my hobbies. it was a doll that look like a real baby but isn't a real baby. I am thinking like she is such a great sister but I disagree with that thinking. After a few days before we went back to LAX, we were talking. I say something about what makes her cry or who makes you cry. She answers that I make her cry. our mom makes us quiet. the same thing I say about her in Japan. I say she make me cry. She says I make myself cry. when she was crying, one of my relatives asked what happened. I put my shoulder up and down and said I don't know.
One thing that was weird was she kept saying was her feet hurt so bad. I thought she was playing to say that and it wasn't serious. she began crying and I kept on hearing my name. I was feeling uncomfortable outside of my body but inside of my body, I was laughing. when I was crying, I had nobody see me crying. she got a lot of people staring at her crying.
The experiences that I experienced during the trip may maybe the cause of it??? maybe that's why I am feeling like this??? I am going to sort this out with my therapist.