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moving back to the states bc ran out of visa and boy oh boy having not lived there since the obama administration i am. looking forward to putting the fresh trauma over here with the rest of the trauma.

#six blather #listening to an australian magpie here in new zealand #owpain

2024 [profoundly abridged]

or, a short-ish answer to "but six, where tf have you been??"

january

get invited to chat with Boss about Company sponsoring me for temporary (it is already doing this) or permanent (it is looking into this) residency. discover that what we are actually chatting about is that Company will, once current visa expires, do neither.

february/march

get invited to more chats, which boil down to "the problem is sponsorhip, not you/your work; if you find a way to stay with Company without sponsorship, which is Too Damn Hard, let us know."

go to albert park grand prix. spend days watching cars go nyoom while i hang out under the same tree, and with the same magpie gang, where i normally lunch-break and have ever since coming back to the office post-lockdowns. fail to bear the cognitive dissonance of so completely belonging to this place that bureaucrats do not frequent (which i can say with confidence because i do) yet "protect" with systems designed to drive people like me away*.

june

turn 40. sit with high likelihood of being unemployed and legally required to leave my home within six months. struggle to imagine turning 41.

july

find out my mom is dying. only find out my mom is dying because her long-term caregiver quietly, compassionately forgets her HIPAA regulations in the car and reaches out on [social media platform] to anyone with [very rare last name].

cousin messages my brother like "soooo Caregiver says your mom is dying? Caregiver wanted to reach out to you and six on your mom's behalf but [soap-opera villain aunt, who is also Caregiver's employer] won't let her??"

cousin and brother visit mom. mom is, indeed, dying. soap-opera villain aunt is mad Caregiver reached out to us behind her back, "but her heart was in the right place." wonder if cognitive dissonance is actually what's in that weird-ass bdsm pain-box in dune.

august

mom dies. turns out a lot of death admin things can only be done on US soil. plan trip back to greatlakesian homeland.

september

go back. do death admin for mom stuff and life admin for trans stuff. hang out with my brother. get lost in a corn maze. find a pumpkin bigger than his head. go back home. finish work.

november

per legal requirement, leave home.

december

survive. rent a "budget-conscious" room near a soul-shaking beach. wonder how i lived in australia for eight years without ever upsetting** a magpie yet, in new zealand, get swooped for the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth times. i had not even been here a month.

in conclusion

thank god for the many excellent people and many solace-balm moments that helped me survive this far into this fucking year.

===

*if this sounds melodramatic, please sit in on a lecture or two with dr google before you @ me.

**to the contrary, the whole Turn 8 Playground Gang knew me, and i knew them, by sight and song; they'd literally come nyooming over to chat and hang out. i knew which swamp hens they were cool with and which ones they were lowkey afraid of. i knew which magpies (those golf course bastards *spits*) were the hatfields to their mccoys and which ones they just couldn't be fucked to carol at. i wasn't as close with the citizens park crew because they had wayyyy more people to be going on with, but we never had issues. so while i don't delude myself that i'm a fucken magpie whisperer or whatever, neither does the evidence support "well mate, you were bloody ignorant is what you were -- got swooped? nah yeah, serves you right."

#six blather #owpain #idek man.

not dead just been super not well. am decently recovering tho so wooooo for that??

#six blather #another goddamn recovery

not dead just struggling

#six blather #came back from leave and they’d let someone go and given me their job #i still have my own job btw.#my full-time job.#to which they added what was until a week ago another full-time job.#so. yeah.

brain's fully on its "everyone hates you, you're fucken annoying, go hide somewhere and never come out" bullshit

imma outlive it but my god is this t e d i o u s

#six blather #i'm watchin 'the great north' about it #and playing animal crossing #also naps.#but yeah. blerg.#the hot part of the year is not good brain times #thank god an earlier surgery date opened up #bc as hard as this is #it's nothing compared to what it would have been

twswd update

ok ok so life has been sort of a lot of smacks to the kneecaps for like. a couple months. was hoping ch 14 would go up in march buuuuut a five-week test of Different ADHD Med resulted in two main outcomes:

certainty that this med is nooooot for me; and

stark-ass "oh god i really Cannot huh" loss of word output.

SO. thanks to epic cheerleader/rubber duckie @brennisteinnexe (and also Familiar ADHD Med), i am back in the word mines, mining words, and it is going okay.

i'd put posting at 1-2 weeks out? which for me still involves tolerating a lot of "oh god this is taking forever, i'm a fucking useless piece of shit and also bad at this" strafing from the brainweasels, but yknow what. fuck those guys. they hate my ass whether i do stuff or don't do stuff -- might as well dance in the line of fire.

#six blather #writer wangst #next stop: replying to comments #'but what will happen when they realise i suck???' dude. dUDE. maybe just. breathe

adding yet another "twswd ain't dead, it ain't even sleeping, i'm chippin away at the speed of full-time job + surgery recovery but am in fact actively working my way to the end" post to the pile

finding it really hard to be kind to myself atm

#six blather #writer wangst #just went back to full-time office work last week #after three years away #still recovering from surgery and will be for months #insurance was meant to cover everything and then didn't?#so spoons to follow that up need to come from... somewhere #i feel so inadequate and stupid and ruins-everything #but/and i'm trying to take this as an opportunity #to go 'ok cool thanks feelings i hear you but you're not facts'#*goes back to bed about it*

we did it lads \o/

#six blather #days 0-2 i can't say i recommend #but yknow what day 3 is like. i feel better enough to be a little bored #and the drains come out tomorrow #so.#massive gratitude to everyone who has offered support/stories/kindness #*ted lasso voice* i appreciate you