Send ‘*’ to kiss my muse full on the lips (accepting) ☂ @eloquentyrant
The night had certainly not went exactly the way he wanted to, but the end result was the same; Butch was exposed and now he is finally caught and out of Oswald’s life. And of course, the entire city saw Oswald for what he was, their hero. And perhaps, in turn, Oswald saw Ed as someone truly worthy of being by his side. It seems it is true, it truly seems that Oswald cares about him. Only...that had been truly for a while, had it not? Despite the way Ed had treated him, Oswald kept visiting him in Arkham. He had bought him that puzzle, he sent him things to make him comfortable. He had gotten him out of that place, he had taken him by his side. ( ‘You were almost killed’) He had looked so worried about him when Ed was almost killed. And he would have been killed if it wasn’t for Oswald. For the first time in his life, someone seemed to care about him and he didn’t want to lose that. For the first time in his life, he felt as if someone saw something in him, something that was good enough to have him around. How could he ever lose that? How could he ever lose him?
Because Oswald is not just anyone, he is not just someone from the GCPD that Ed felt he had to impress. He is someone fascinating, clever, cunning, utterly interesting.... someone that could conquer the entire world if he wanted to, if he truly believed in himself. Perhaps that is why Ed feels the need to prove himself to him. No, it is not because he has to do it, it is because he truly wants to help him, to protect him, to make him happy.
And so, when he smiles at him it is genuine, it is a way to tell him that he does not regret risking his life for him, not at all. Not when it had helped Oswald. ❝I hope you know...I would do anything for you.❞ he tells him and he really means it. If it ever comes to it, Ed would die for him, he realises, and for some reason it does not scare him. It feels right, it feels as if here, tonight is where he is meant to be.
So when Oswald leans in closer, not only Ed does not move away, but he leans in as well without even thinking about it. He does not have a lot of experience, that is no secret, but that had also been the explanation he had given himself when his first kiss with Miss Kringle, did not feel the way he though a kiss is supposed to feel. It certainly was nothing like this, now. Even though this is certainly a first kiss as well, it is as if he has been doing it for years and yet the kiss is soft and slow, as if they are just becoming familiar with each other. At the same time, it just feels so right and he is the one to lean into the kiss.
Only he shouldn’t do that, should he? No. No. This isn’t supposed to happen. Abruptly, Ed breaks the kiss and he only realises his hand was resting on Oswald’s chest when he gently pushes him away from him and he gets up. This wasn’t supposed to happen. This is just wrong. It should be wrong, even though it does not feel that way. It is not...He is not...How had he let this happen? It is your fault, the voice tells him, but it does not belong to him. (‘It is not my fault that you are not into girls!’ The dread he had felt when that boy had yelled that at him in school comes back and Ed is not sure why. He knows the boy’s voice is followed by another one, the one that belonged to the person he had been scared of the most).
Does that ruin everything between them? Somehow, he is still scared of losing Oswald, even though what had just happened scares him even more. He knows he should say something, he should apologize. For kissing him —even though it was kissing back—, for stopping it, for...he is not sure. Maybe he should just walk away from him, he should just blame it at the moment and pretend it never happened. But he can’t utter a world, he can’t walk away, he can’t even get up. Instead, he remains frozen where he was sitting —the only thing he can do is slowly drop his hand from Oswald’s chest.
