#skeptic!legundo

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

A bit of dark comedy for the sitcom effect could definitely be Owen finding out about the other people’s kill counts.

He’s just monologuing to everyone (Apo’s not there) and says something like, “I’ve killed 2,799 people! You weaklings have no idea what it’s like to have gallons of blood on your hands.”

Instead of being afraid, the majority of people just…stare at him incredulously. We’ve got;

Cleo: was forced to kill 29,000+ people

Legundo: killed thousands using poison

Pearl: hunts and has canonically killed several werewolves. She probably has a higher kill count in this au since her job is more general.

Abolish: basically same thing as Pearl

The Cryptid Crew DOES react in the way Owen wants, except the fear is very short lived because Pearl immediately throws holy water at Owen and he screeches like a cat and runs away (or maybe this is when the rooftop incident happens)

Owen is furiously confused why the majority of people don’t care about his massacre. An angstier thing to happen could be him monologuing to Cherri about watching a loved one die in fire, and Cherri just stares at him with a [sickeningly] sweet smile and tells him she’s usually the one lighting fires.

In this au I don't think Cleo's kill count is nearly as high as canon just because like. I don't think we can properly visualise that number. 29,000 divided by 80 (because v!Cleo is in her eighties) is 362.5. That divided by 52 (weeks in a year) is 6.97. v!Cleo was killing a person a day for eighty years. That is so much fucking murder holy shit. Like at that point you can't keep it under wraps. You don't have time for anything else. The Organisation in skeptic au would catch you so fucking fast due to the trail of bodies you leave behind like a huge gory snail. Soldiers in the trenches of world war one killed less often than that! Twenty-nine thousand people? That's almost a quarter of my town! Skeptic!Cleo has killed, and she's killed often, but she hasn't been forced into being a serial spree murderer for eighty years. 2,799 people is a lot of fucking people to murder. That's almost as much as 9/11. I can give Owen this one because v!Cleo killed so many people it looped back around into being anime numbers.

He does have a smaller kill count than the doctor, though. Legs poisoned water and food. That's a war crime, vsmp just happens before the Geneva Convention. Legs, unlike basically everyone else, actually grapples with the implications of what he's done - hence the alcoholism and to a certain extent Owen - and tries to process the sheer number of lives he snuffed out because he thought he had to follow orders. Owen killing two thousand eight hundred people is bad, yes, but he can still learn to be better. (Owen doesn't know how to react to the doctor accepting it, and thinks it has to be because the doctor can't imagine it. The doctor knows more about death than he does.)

Pearl and Abolish have definitely killed several people! Legally they would be serial killers; I think Pearl might even have a dozen. Looking at how Abolish tends to act, I don't think his kill count is that high. In vsmp he spent months investigating, and left having killed one person. He's not going to shoot first and ask questions later, he's going to really take his time and only kill someone who's made it totally clear death is the only way to stop them from hurting others. Exorcisms of ghosts, sure. He's killed lots of mindless creatures, but he goes for talking over violence in almost every situation. However he also doesn't care when Owen gives his speech.

Avid and Drift believe him instantly and Shelby goes "okay but he has to be exaggerating right?" and they have to pull up casualty reports later and find that, no, he actually has the exact number. So much of the dramatic impact is stolen by Pearl throwing holy water in his face like spritzing a naughty cat. They're always going to remember the yelp and flail backwards.

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

Owen accidentally works up a not strong but still noticeable resistance to garlic because he keeps drinking from Avid.

counterargument. Owen claims he has a resistance to garlic now from drinking Avid's blood so often. Dr Legundo, well aware of how allergies work, does not believe him. What Owen is actually doing is building a mental resistance to the world spinning around him and getting better at bluffing he's fine.

Avid thinks he's getting immune though and does have a panic attack about vampires being capable of getting immune to garlic because what if he's responsible for making a Supervampire with No Vampire Weaknesses. Owen enjoys this immensely and Legs decides to let this one play out because frankly it doesn't seem to be increasing Avid's baseline level of stress that much he was already Like That

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

Lonevamps lonevamps lonevamps...

Ok so. Disclaimer. I don't know how diabetes works fully. But also there's all sorts of supernatural things so. That isn't my biggest worry here.

Owen doesn't put together what's up for a while but I feel like Avid lets Owen feed sometimes because he's the type of freak that is into being bitten. And Owen keeps coming back bc you cannot convince me that he doesn't have a sweet tooth and Avids blood is sweet (because you know damn well he would never manage that shit properly whenever Apo isn't actively forcing him to) and one time he bites and is like. Hm. It's too sweet. That's weird. And so he goes to the one person he knows that might know why.

Legs hears the words "sickly sweet" and "blood" in the same sentence and is like Owen. Go find your blood bag and bring them here. (He does not trust Owen to correctly inject insulin.)

I also think once a vampire knew how, they could smell high & low blood sugar. Owen knows the scents from being around Avid but doesn't know what they mean.

Anyways Owen goes because he wants Legs to like him and is listening to him to achieve that is really nice and takes great care of his blood bag. Totally.

He finds Avid actively ghost hunting and when he taps Avid on the shoulder he jumps so badly that he slams into a wall.

Owen has to try really hard not to laugh.

He doesn't ask for Avid to come with him, he just drags him along and shows up at Legs door. (Normally, he'd go through the window. Unfortunately, Avid cannot turn into a bat.)

Legs sighs when he sees them and invites them in on habit even though he gave Owen a permanent invite.

He gives Avid insulin and a few minutes later he's like wow I feel so much less dizzy and Legs has to take a deep breath because yeah man. Yeah. Owen says Avid smells normal again and Legs very quickly realizes that he needs to explain many things to Owen. And also perhaps let him hang around while he works with patients more often.

Drift and Shelby explain that Owen dragged Avid away to Apo and when Avid comes back he explains it and Apo is just. Ok so you listen to the weird guy that fights me over the doctors that literally already told you that you were diabetic. And Avid. Does not have a defense.

Bonus points of him actually vaguely taking care of himself a little bit because Owen complains about his blood tasting bad otherwise. And Avid. Is not good at resisting a pretty boy.

I also find the idea of "the two guys that might be the actual worst with treating their chronic illnesses actually make each other do BETTER at that" really funny. Legundo thinks they'll make each other worse. They somehow don't... Mostly. Avid dares Owen to eat garlic one time and he does though. Legs looks so disappointed when Avid shows up with a clearly miserable bat in his hands looking like he got caught with his hand in a cookie jar.

Okay! Avid's only JUST getting used to being officially Diabetic instead of prediabetic (which means he had high blood sugar but was under the official threshold) and so he. forgets his insulin pen. he'll check food for the carb content and Shelby goes "I don't know if you need to watch your calories" and he goes "oh I don't!" and then eats more than he injected for because he got hungry enough for seconds and forgot he needed to count that too.

Avid doesn't "let" Owen feed so much as go "h-hey! stop that!" and squirm and wriggle and completely fail to get away when Owen leans in open-mouthed. I feel like the first time was a mistake (Owen was THREATENING to, but Avid's flinch is what actually broke the skin) but Owen is categorically incapable of admitting when he fucks up and EXTRA incapable of apologizing so now he does it on purpose. No neither of them are getting off on this that would be awful they hate each other. This is a power struggle. Ignore that both of them know who's going to win and that Avid keeps coming back.

Owen's experience of human blood is limited to 1) the doctor (alcohol and sadness) and now 2) Avid (jellybeans and bad decisions) and this has somewhat skewed his idea of an appropriate flavour profile for human blood.

The doctor finds out when Owen drinks from him and complains about how bitter his blood is in comparison and the doctor goes "so the other person you've been drinking from tastes Sweet? quick question do they also get tired often? struggle putting on or losing weight? get frequent infections?" and Owen goes "oh of course you care about the bloodbag. his stupid neck wound reeks of infection it's because he's unhygienic and can't change bandages."

Doc: Owen. I need you to bring that person to see me, please. This is not me prioritizing them over you, this is me respecting you and your ability to take care of yourself, which this person clearly lacks.

Owen: and what do I get out of it? why should I care about a human who clearly can't take care of itself?

Doc: please. I will take it as a personal favour. I will owe you, if you bring that person to me. If they have what I think they do, I am genuinely worried for their safety.

Owen: you think I'd just drain them dry? bold of you to assume I have your self-control, doctor

Doc: that is not what I said. okay. crash course time. Diabetes is...

Owen doesn't believe the doc in the moment but he Does sneak up on Avid and "kidnap" him the next time he sees him. Drift hears Avid yelp and then Owen go "I'll return him in one piece, as long as he minds his manners"

Avid was thinking "oh my god oh my god oh my god are we going to have sex" and babbling whatever else came into his head in the desperate hopes he could stop thinking about sex with Owen because Owen TERRIFIES him and annoying the shit out of Owen in the process, and gets physically shoved across the threshold of the clinic by a Very Sulky Owen. Legundo was in the middle of sorting a prescription medication (illegally) and sighs. He doesn't know Avid's name because Owen has exclusively referred to him as "the bloodbag" or "the pest" or sometimes "the pathetic wannabe vampire-hunter."

Avid proceeds to also annoy the shit out of the doctor mostly on purpose but oh, hey, it turns out when he takes insulin he feels way better? What's up with that?

Owen gives him the most disgusted look (this was Avid's actual goal; he is unaware that's his goal) and grabs his wrist to check how his blood tastes now. Avid shrieks and flinches and demands to know what Owen's doing in a shaky voice and blushes when Owen goes "I'm drinking your blood. Idiot."

The doctor watches this happen and goes "ah. I See." and neither Avid nor Owen understand what he means.

After being double-dog-dared to eat garlic Owen is so sick he can't fly in a straight line but he refuses to un-bat because that would be even less dignified. Avid carries him like a baby and Owen bites him four times to express displeasure and drinks blood none of those times because he feels so sick.

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

can i get more bloodletting and hellfire for this au please 🙏 what if cherri goes to legs sometimes for a cough/some other cold-related sickness (they would go to a normal doctor but it’s the middle of summer and they don’t want to risk questions like “how did you get hypothermia in summer?”) and apo takes her one time when owen just so happens to be visiting legs

cue long stare and apo going “why are you homophobic, you have a boyfriend” and owen fucking. he crashes out

asdghkasldjakgdhkasldasghdjalsdhasghkdjl oh my GOD

why are you homophobic you have a boyfriend...

I think the funniest part of this is both Cherri and Legs assuming it was Their feral partner who started it (it was both of them triggering each other by accident) and moving to hold them back. Owen doesn't actually want to fight Apo (much) (there's too much of a chance he would lose) (he doesn't want to show the doctor what he is at his lowest. he doesn't want to need help.) and Apo will just stare at him the whole time. Waiting for him to make a move. She's not gonna start something, but Owen's an opportunist and she is not an easy mark. lmao.

The doctor is trying so hard to deescalate and Cherri isn't helping because she thinks this is funny. It's romantic how quickly Apo will fight people for her! It's like having a medieval knight pledged to her service, or maybe a really reactive dog!

Owen gives a whole spiel about how he's not homophobic it was the fact that she was dating anyone and Apo goes "okay. I don't give a shit, you insulted my girlfriend and I'm glad I punched you" (Cherri is also mad after Owen said that, the doctor is trying to protect this trashfire man and only mostly succeeding)

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

the only possible main couple i could ever think of who would get married is doc and owen and even that’s, like……ages in the future (unless maybe pearl and cleo did to see each other in the hospital or something?) but i really want them all at a wedding

abolish is as cool as ever, an image slightly ruined by the fact that apo and cherri are absolute menaces and are not letting him have a break. they secretly coordinated on the best way to raise his blood pressure. they’re stealing as much free food as they can, apo’s helping cherri light a fire for effect, they’re careening around the dance floor (they know how to dance but it’s funnier like this). abolish is yanking them down seconds before they start a cake fight and hissing at them to behave

avid and shelby have literally never been to a fancy event ever and it shows. drift has some experience (for whatever random reason) and she’s quietly teaching them how to act. drift looks very nice in a neat suit, shelby is harnessing positive vibes to look like she belongs, and avid looks like a complete disaster. his hair is messy, his tie isn’t tied properly, his shirt is wrinkled, he’s got dirt on his face. at one point he asks what the cake knife is for and shelby answers, “to stab the maid of honor and best man.” and drift doesn’t know if they’re joking or not

pearl and cleo look gorgeous and put together as usual. they try to enjoy themselves, but end up babysitting avid, shelby, and drift from a distance. cleo sees apo and cherri causing trouble and is about to go start shit, but they catch cherri’s eye and she smiles at them with too many teeth. they decide that’s not their problem today, actually.

pyro knows how to act because he’s a rich kid, but he also attends the apokuna corruption school of stick it to the man whenever possible, so he’s quietly encouraging apo and cherri’s worst intentions and eating as much as possible. they leave early to get high and come back to some shenanigan that’s probably cryptid crew’s fault. abolish thought pyro would be on his best behavior for some reason, but pyro has no problem being a menace as long as he doesn’t get in trouble for it

i really want bloodletting to show up solely for owen to look like a feral forest goblin who hasn’t seen a comb in at least century and legs to look dapper and hot af in a suit. it’s doing something to owen but no one is sure if he’s going to kiss or kill legs

Okay. Okay okay okay. You know who would get married and invite all of these people?

Martyn and Ren. For "tax and living cost benefits," but of course they're going to get married properly, they're doing a whole production and everyone else Will play along Or Else.

Abolish spent fifteen minutes minimum explaining how to act to Apo and Cherri and neither of them were listening. They were texting each other plans on how to maximise appetisers consumed and how to ensure all of Martyn's favourites were gone before he got there. They dance and Apo stumbles and Cherri 'stumbles' to make her feel better and it instantly devolves into "technically the dance moves if you squint" (Abolish Does Not dance with either of them. He's already so frustrated watching that if Apo gets in his face he might try to kiss or hit her and the humiliation from Either of those would kill him on the spot.) (Cherri calls him out on that and it goes Entirely over Apo's head and Abolish decides he's just not going to do any dishes for the next month in petty revenge.)

Drift in her lil dapper suit!! Fuck yes!! Shelby has put together what's... not a wedding guest outfit, but she gets a pass because she looks very cute. Avid was in a nice outfit (one of Drift's) but that was before he climbed two trees trying to rescue a baby bird that was fine the whole time. The best man and the maid of honour have to "get married if the bride and groom run away and get cursed by a witch instead if one shows up" and Drift is 60% sure they're serious.

Pearl isn't in a suit but she's butching it up. It's definitely not a dress, she just doesn't like suits either. Cleo's in a full ballgown and made a comment or two about it to Apo but Cherri a) caught all the implications when Apo did not and b) can play that game too, Cleo. They have so much fun together judging everyone else's fashion choices they almost forget to be bitchy.

Pyro eating as much as possible and sneaking out to get high... your Mind. He and M are found with a joint; Pyro blames M, who's too busy giggling to defend himself, but Ren (who caught them) just demands they pass it. He knocks something over and hides instead of trying to fix it. Abolish thought For Sure Pyro would be reasonable and was so incredibly wrong.

Owen is wearing Louis's clothes, which are a) fine but not Rich Person Clothes, b) two centuries out of date, and c) not actually sized for Owen. It's the first time any of them have seen the doctor out of his lab coat and he's shockingly hot. Owen looms ominously in the corner before swooping out (a wedding is actually Triggering he's just thinking about how much he wanted to marry Louis now) and Legs doesn't follow, he stays inside and mingles with the other guests and gets hit on by M.

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

I've been really curious about Apo and Abolish's second kiss. You said at some point it goes much better than the first (I giggle every time I think of the 'aftertaste' thing) but how does it come about? (I know Abolish is never in a million years initiating)

How long have they each been stewing in their feelings at this point? I bet Cherri's been dropping increasingly obvious hints that they'd be fine and in fact happy if Apo kissed him– I assume they've had some measure of a conversation but also Apo is stubborn and annoyed with having Feelings

How do they go from there and how do the people around them react when they're finally officially together? (probably after another few stupidly annoying weeks where they avoid the subject like the plague)

Cherri's obviously happy for them and very smug. She and Abolish have met at this point, and the first message ever sent between them is Cherri going 'nice to co-date with you, it's about fucking time' (Abolish freezes for a solid few seconds because oh gods that made it real)

Pyro is thrilled for Apo and also annoying as fuck about it, Apo ends up bowling them over with a pillow and leaving to her room (does he at some point start dating Abolish and get added to the polycule btw?) (that's probably a while and a lot of healing away though)

Cleo's probably rolling her eyes, but she and Pearl have been sufficiently convinced that Abolish is not in fact under some sort of spell, so she won't comment. And for the same reason, Pearl is happy for them

Owen probably sneers and makes some stupid comment at some point that starts another fight because Apo is not having him insult both their relationships fuck you Owen (He's just salty that he hasn't figured his shit out about Legs) (He's kinda in the middle of a crisis right now) (Dead wife trope and pedestals and morality and all that. You know how it is)

Those are the just the thoughts coming to me now, so I shall pass on to you!

The Second Appleish Kiss is in this ask and it happens bc they both get high and Apo says, out of nowhere, "Cherri says it's okay if you kiss me again" and then does not continue until Abolish reacts.

Abolish has been stewing in his feelings for months at absolute minimum. He realised as soon as the ghost was about to kiss Apo that he actually didn't want to do that like that - Mr "disassociation is pronounced 'locking in'" Veylocke was expecting to be able to shrug it off, but he's... feeling bad? That she's feeling bad? What's up with that. Why's that happening. Can he turn it off.

Cherri noticed Apo returned Abolish's feelings way before Apo did, had a polyamory crisis when she realised she didn't mind that, but reserved judgement until she met Abolish personally. Her assessment is that he's a good teammate for dating Apo and he has her blessing. After that, she began dropping hints about polyamory... existing, to Apo, but unfortunately that is like avoiding talking to a brick wall by talking to several bricks within the wall instead. You gotta be direct. As soon as Apo gets told Cherri's fine with it (this is her introduction to the existence of polyamory) she gets over it in like half an hour and then goes "wait do I like Abolish? damnit. fuck. FINE" and they invite him over to do something about that.

Pyro IS annoying as fuck about it I'm so glad you see the vision. as always you have correct opinions in all things. They congratulate her and then offer condoms (that get thrown at them) and then ask if that means she doesn't want her hoodie back ("no, stop, it's because you have - ow! - you have two partners! you can borrow their clothes! I'm in need here!")

Polycule Status (Pyroscythe Inclusive) just got answered! hilarious timing.

Appleish kiss doesn't happen until after Cleo and Apo sort out at least that they don't want to fight each other even if they'll never like each other (it's mostly Cleo discovering Apo's protective streak is actually genuine and not 5D chess) (god v!Cleo had so many reasons to say everything they said but I wanted v!Apo to ask if she had her own opinions or if she just repeated Scott's version of everything so bad. it would've fixed nothing but it would've made me feel better.) so Cleo just thinks Abolish has bad taste.

Owen says something about how he didn't think Abolish was that suicidal (he's bitter as fuck the doctor passed out and scared him) and Apo goes "what the fuck is that supposed to mean."

Owen scoffs and gestures to Apo, and things devolve from there.

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

was gonna write Abolish whump then I got beamed with bloodletting thoughts by the devil from the bible. So!

While transforming is painful for Owen, his bat form is generally more comfortable, but it's weaker. That body isn't scarred like his human one, which means generally less pain. Legs doesn't realize this for a while mostly because he doesn't realize how much pain Owen is in cuz Owen is almost never in his human form during flareups.

He can also sleep as a bat! So he sleeps off his flareups mostly. And Legs can't really resist letting batwen feed cuz he's a bat,,, so cute with his big huge eyes.... So Owen will often sleep on Legs as a bat. Legs thinks it's cute until Owen wakes up and immediately latches on and he realizes that oh. It was not affection. It was greed /silly

I think he would put this together once he decides to pretend to believe that Owen is asleep and goes to grab painkillers for him and comes back to a clearly annoyed bat. Who obviously has forgotten that Legs closes the windows fully at night if he's there. For safety reasons and stuff. Owen can open them from the inside if he wants out.

Legs is. Not a vet. And he doesn't know if Owen would react to meds like a human or like a bat. Or something else. So he would rather Owen not be a bat and he gets the most deadpan glare in response to being asked to turn back. And I think Legs would realize why Owen doesn't wanna transform pretty fast after that and just sighs and starts searching for how to medicate a bat. Owen falls asleep on the arm of the couch and he's clearly grumpy about the fact when Legs very carefully wakes him up with an attempt at medicine for him. Owen is hard to convince as a human on anything medical but with a bat that cannot speak. It's even harder. Because Legs doesn't know what arguments Owen is making.

He can guess, though. And somehow manages to get Owen to take at least a little bit after offering blood.

I think medicine would work as long as it didn't require the bloodstream to disperse (no heartbeat= no blood movement. I don't think vampires have blood left in their veins anyways so. That stuff wouldn't work) and! Bats often purr in reaction to pain being lessened!! Owen starting to purr after a while and Legs starts searching because he's never heard bats purring before ! He's not a vet!!! He is a . Well. He's not always a human doctor but he's definitely not an animal doctor.

He is so glad when he puts together that the meds are probably helping somewhat despite the. Large amounts of guessing done.

augh. yeah. Owen spends as long as he can in bat form, claiming it's just because he's feeling particularly humanphobic (Legs regrets teaching him about tiktok,) and sleeps hanging from the rafters in the doctor's house... because Owen won't let him try to help unless Legs lets him in first (Owen doesn't feel safe unless he's the one with the weapon, and Legs recognises this for the threat it is but also doesn't care if he dies.)

Little baby bat Owen hanging off the doctor's wrist... that's so cute oh my god. And him bonking into the windows like a bird, too. Legs is getting cussed out in octaves he can't hear.

I think he only really realises painkillers might help (Owen is certain nothing will help and the only pain he can be spared now is satisfying the Thirst, however temporarily) after Owen drinks his blood and he had painkillers in his system. (Or... alcohol. Given that the doctor drank whenever it was available. Owen letting himself in when the doctor is drunk and maudlin and demanding blood "since you care so much about the pigeons" and receiving it and. Visibly getting hammered bc he does not have the alcohol tolerance of a war veteran in his fifties who's been drinking to forget for decades.)

Little baby bat getting staggering drunk on painkillers bc the doctor calibrated them for human-size Owen...

Owen would refuse to transform back, Legs would avoid pressuring him (he's treating Owen like a feral cat,) and nothing would get fixed until Owen decides he wants that thing actually and he will allow Legs to use blood to bribe him to have it. Thinking to himself about where was he back then, of course. Thinking if he was in Oakhurst I would never have needed to go so far. Thinking if he was in Oakhurst they would've killed him too, he's too kind, and never imagining a world where Legs did what he thought he had to when given proof the mayor was consorting with the occult, or a world where Owen burned him along with the children.

The doctor has to be like Louis, after all. Which is why Owen needs to convince him to turn. Surely, this existence isn't better? Surely the constant dizziness and chills from blood loss aren't helping? He gives so much of himself, and the world never gives anything back - in a fair world, he would never tell Owen someone died on the operating table, in a fair world, he would never have those shadows under his eyes - If he accepted the Gift, he could live like this forever. He wouldn't need to sleep. He could save everyone he ever saw.

(Sometimes the only thing staying his fangs is the knowledge that if Owen turns the doctor, he will never be forgiven.)

[the-ruler-of-rabbits]

The Christmas episode idea is incredible

Abolish is forced to interact with “his girlfriends” and one of their roommates. After 20 minutes he is totally absorbed in the Nightmare Before Christmas. Cherri and Pyro are sharing a smug look behind him. (the picked the movie)

Meanwhile, the Cryptid Crew is having the most loony tunes time trying to catch a picture of Krampas. They constantly fail to catch up with him, but in all of their scenes he’s hiding behind a really thin tree or the ceiling or something. The episode ends with them all watching the sunset together :)

I feel like there’d be cuts to the other characters too, like Pearl and Cleo chilling in an apartment, Legs getting Owen a Christmas gift, and Scott spending Christmas utterly alone because his minimum wage job doesn’t work over holidays

EXACTLY

Abolish gets trapped in an ugly as hell christmas sweater too. none of them celebrate christmas but Pyro got really attached to the ugly christmas sweaters and collects the worst ones they find. Cherri has a whole pretty outfit. Apo's has an apple on it.

Every picture they take has him out of focus or too in focus and thus looking staged. No candid pics of the krampus!

Legs getting Owen a christmas gift... augh. Owen goes "don't PITY me" but takes it. Pearl is curled up by the fire and Cleo is warming her feet in her fur. Scott's complaining to himself that back in HIS day the peasants KNEW BETTER than to be so loudly celebratory around the presence of their betters.