#skygetspersonal

[biconicfinn]

I really truly hate this scourge of anti indian and more broadly anti south asian racism online because barely anywhere feels safe anymore. The most unrelated videos and content will have so much violent vitriol it makes me hurt. I genuinely don’t understand how horribly violent and disgusting these people can be and it’s worse towards darker skinned people and the amount of hate copped by south indian people is so genuinely painful. I’m not naive or stupid, racism has always existed and will continue to be violent and disgusting but the way we’ve become the internet’s collective punching bag is truly heinous. It’s also gotten markedly worse in the past 5 years or so and maybe this is me being a conspiracy theorist tinfoil hat idiot but part of me can’t help but think that the turbocharged racism was really kickstarted by pewdiepie going up against t-series when he was butthurt that channel hit iirc a billion subscribers before he did. I don’t even know why I believe that but I do.

[biconicfinn]

HAYLEY WILLIAMS WHEN I CATCH YOU!!!!!!!! WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S ANOTHER NEW SONG FROM EGO DEATH???????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S CALLED GOOD OL DAYS????????

[biconicfinn]

i think thin people and to some extent even midsize people will never understand the agony that living as a fat person is sometimes like. all my horrendous experiences in childhood and up to now from other people and society in general to now aside i just suddenly thought of the way i myself treat myself.

without even discussing long term things and the way i treat my body or perceive it day to day; i just want to focus on one specific thing that just suddenly came back to me.

last year i went to ballroom dancing classes for the first half of the year and during that time i started catching feelings for my dance partner whom i met at this class (shit didn’t work out because of reasons but that’s not relevant) and even when we were in ballroom hold, and part of me thrilled to feel his left hand holding my right, my left on his arm, and his right on my shoulder blade, loved being twirled around and swept across a room together and the laughter and banter we shared, not to mention the chemistry we had with each other on and off the dance floor. but my fucking god every week for two hours i would be wrecked inside praying that my belly wouldn’t brush up against him, when we pressed close together what should have been the fun of a crush and physical contact with someone i liked i feared he would feel revolted every time my disgusting fat body had the audacity to brush up against his leaner stronger body. the shame i would feel every time and i would immediately apologise and he would always be like don’t worry about it it’s not a problem and looking back he probably didn’t give a shit at all but fuck if it didn’t eat me up inside every week for months.

and the worst part is?? i would never entertain having these thoughts about anyone else but when it’s my ass in the line of fire??? anything fucking goes let’s hate this fat body you have lived in most of your life it’s fine!!!

and this is just one incident in one period of my life. imagine how much more i am not telling you. you have no idea what it feels like to be me in my head in my body existing in this space. so don’t fucking dare tell me fatphobia isn’t real. it is and fuck it hurts me every single day.

[biconicfinn]

i never really understood the appeal in reframing the story of hades and persephone into one of a forbidden romance between star crossed lovers torn apart by demeter because to me, the story was always about how cruel marriage is/was to young women who have just barely stopped being young girls, how they are left to the mercies and whims of men in power and how painful it is for marriage to shred the bonds between mother and daughter. marriage makes you, the wife, not of your own family and household but of your husband’s. where is the birthright to the house you were born in? instead you are in an unhappy marriage you never consented to and you only bloom flourish when you are free to go home. i guess because a fate like that was a cautionary tale growing up. one that many women in and out of my family experienced. turning it into some romeo and juliet esque star crossed dark romance whatever never sat right with me. it’s not a happy story. it is to me at least, unbearably sad and something that is not an ideal or aspiration, but something to be heeded as a warning.

[biconicfinn]

listening to julie london's the end of the world and oh my god i want to slow rhythm or waltz or slow foxtrot to it with my cute dancer boy

[biconicfinn]

i just want to catch a break please

[biconicfinn]

okay maybe this is just me but does anyone else experience very visceral physical reactions when they listen to music? like if i listen to certain songs i love or that just make me feel so much emotion and feeling it's not just a mental and emotional thing but an actual physical feeling it's an ache in my chest or tears in my eyes or i feel this energy run through my body my fingers tremble my head feels funny idk i just feel things so much more than i think most people do and i'm just wondering if anyone else because me just saying "oh i love listening to music" never feels adequate to describe how i feel when i listen to it??????

[biconicfinn]

if only i had known beforehand that staying in a college in aus meant so many formal and cocktail events…i feel so inadequate and pathetic because just this week there’s two formal themed events to go to and because i had such short notice to come here i packed more of like uni appropriate clothes and one singular nice-ish dress and i’m sitting in my room and wanting to cry because I’ll be the odd one out in my subpar clothes and wearing the same dress to every other event until my family visits me or i go back home because i don’t have the means just yet to go shopping and even if i did i don’t know where the fuck to go for plus size clothes and fucking hell i just want to cry