#internalised fatphobia

[tumbleringismycopingmechanism]

Something to help with some self-reflection regarding fatphobic ideas:

(source)

[just-kalina]

I can have unfavourable photos of me posted to the internet without being sent into a spiral it's fine it's whatever

[threeleggedshark]

CW: internalised fatphobia, weight gain

Okay so I am officially "slightly overweight" now. Which, shouldn't be a big deal, but it still has me spiralling and I just want to put down thoughts in the hopes of stopping that.

So, completely removing myself from labels I overall prefer my body post T (I gained 20kg since going on T which is why I chose it as a marker). I like the stockier build, my head doesn't look as big anymore in comparison to the rest of my body and in general the proportions are nicer. Yes, I got a bit of a tummy now that makes me feel insecure in crop tops, but I don't mind it that much when it's either covered or I am fully naked. I do mind my face though, not a fan of the added chubbiness on my chin and extra round features, would like to be able to see the little bit of bone structure that I do have. (It's not much tho so idk, gotta be real skinny for it to show up and I don't want to go back to that either)

I think many of my insecurities could be fixed if I started going to the gym to turn some of that fat into muscles, not to reduce weight but shift around the mass into a stronger built which is something I have always dreamed of. Whenever I wanted to get buff pre T my biggest issue was that it felt impossible for me to gain mass, now that I have gained mass I should just use the opportunity. Get that Wolverine build lol. (Anyone willing to finance a gym membership for me?)

But man, my own fatphobia is already showing, and I am still far away from the point where weight impacts my quality of life in any way. Like people seeing me and thinking "oh that person's fat" as one of their first impressions of me is scary to me and I hate that it is.

Part of it is probably because most of my life I had a very conventionally attractive female body without doing anything for it and as someone with already questionable self confidence, losing that does of course have an impact. Whilst at the same time, I know many people find my current body type very attractive too, or I think they would if I were taller. (That's my real insecurity at the end of the day lol. Height. Fuck that shit.) This whole thing is just feeding into me generally feeling undesireable in the recent months. God, I wish I just didn't care.

I am trying to see this as the opportunity that it is, to finally get bulky, to try out if my Ex was right and I can turn into Jackie from Cyberpunk once I get myself to work out consistently, but man the "fear of being fat" is keeping me awake. Should not have weighed myself. That's why I don't have a scale at home. I don't want to know about these things and give myself insecurities I didn't have before.

[daaedoodles]

newly disabled regina + eating disorder regina is a painful and extremely angsty combination. like just imagine how out of control she feels after being hit by the bus and breaking her spine, and she’s trying to lose the weight from the kalteen bar situation but not being able to function or live her life the way she did before, much less exercise, but she still tries to anyway and hurts herself in the process because she wants nothing more than to have her old body back, both the one that wasn’t in pain all the time and one that was 10lbs smaller 😭

[biconicfinn]

i think thin people and to some extent even midsize people will never understand the agony that living as a fat person is sometimes like. all my horrendous experiences in childhood and up to now from other people and society in general to now aside i just suddenly thought of the way i myself treat myself.

without even discussing long term things and the way i treat my body or perceive it day to day; i just want to focus on one specific thing that just suddenly came back to me.

last year i went to ballroom dancing classes for the first half of the year and during that time i started catching feelings for my dance partner whom i met at this class (shit didn’t work out because of reasons but that’s not relevant) and even when we were in ballroom hold, and part of me thrilled to feel his left hand holding my right, my left on his arm, and his right on my shoulder blade, loved being twirled around and swept across a room together and the laughter and banter we shared, not to mention the chemistry we had with each other on and off the dance floor. but my fucking god every week for two hours i would be wrecked inside praying that my belly wouldn’t brush up against him, when we pressed close together what should have been the fun of a crush and physical contact with someone i liked i feared he would feel revolted every time my disgusting fat body had the audacity to brush up against his leaner stronger body. the shame i would feel every time and i would immediately apologise and he would always be like don’t worry about it it’s not a problem and looking back he probably didn’t give a shit at all but fuck if it didn’t eat me up inside every week for months.

and the worst part is?? i would never entertain having these thoughts about anyone else but when it’s my ass in the line of fire??? anything fucking goes let’s hate this fat body you have lived in most of your life it’s fine!!!

and this is just one incident in one period of my life. imagine how much more i am not telling you. you have no idea what it feels like to be me in my head in my body existing in this space. so don’t fucking dare tell me fatphobia isn’t real. it is and fuck it hurts me every single day.

[soft-puppy-boyfriend]

Bought myself a smart watch to monitor heart rate, blood pressure/oxygen levels, the amount of steps per day etc thinking that I was an incredibly unhealthy person with incredibly high blood pressure who barely moves in a day

....only to discover that all of the things I was actually worried about aren't unhealthy at all??? Like, my heart rate is good for someone my age, my blood pressure isn't high at all times, I have incredibly good oxygen levels, like???

I am a fat person who has been fat my whole life, who has been convinced by internalised fatphobia that I MUST be unhealthy because I am fat. Only to discover that actually I'm far, far healthier than I realised, and that I do FAR more steps in reality than my phone was catching.

I knew LOGICALLY that fat =/= unhealthy and Ive worked very hard to unlearn a lot of my internalised fatphobia, and the only fat person I have actually had issues with for a couple of years now is ME. (Don't even get me started on the mental gymnastics I no longer have to go through to justify why everybody else who is fat is deserving of love but I, because I am fat, am not???)

But yeah, it took this smart watch for me to actually hear "just because you are fat doesn't mean you are unhealthy" about myself and fuck that's???? Shaken my whole entire world honestly

[cult-of-the-eye]

TW mentions of internalised fatphobia

I think one of the worst things about being fat is the constant thought of having to prove yourself. Like as a kid, I always thought to myself it's ok that I'm fat because I'm strong. I have desirable physical traits that don't require being skinny. Now that I'm older it's more, it's only ok that I'm fat if I work out. Otherwise people will think I'm fat because I'm lazy and ate too much and just needed to work out. If I tell people I work out then they wouldn't think that. But that's dumb. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. So now I try to fight that in my head and try and end the sentence at "it's ok that I'm fat".

[ineffectualdemon]

Me - Being fat and wearing a shirt that shows tummy when it's not meant to show tummy: I am the ugliest thing alive

Me - Being fat and wearing a crop top which shows lots of tummy: I am the sexiest motherfucker to ever exist