#slutspeaks

[hisvoidwhore]

Slut Speaks

Let’s talk: My dynamic breakup

Disclaimer: Feelings are hard. This is only a snapshot of my feelings and brain processing in this exact moment. This does not reflect pure fact. This will not turn into a bashing session on my ex, or myself. In fact, if you come in my DMs spouting some shit about how my ex did me wrong and I didn’t deserve it just know that I’ve virtually throat punched you and will proceed to block you.

Breakups happen in BDSM, and it sucks. I spent roughly 2-3 years pursuing a relationship with my ex. We had our ups and downs like every relationship, but I genuinely thought I had found my person. He saw me, he understood almost everything I threw at him and knew exactly what to say or do to stabilize me. He challenged my thinking and always kept me guessing. I was excited about our sexual relationship just as much as our emotional one. We connected on a lot of our kinks and I was willing to explore things with him that I wasn’t willing to do before.

We got lost in the high. Pushing and pulling. Satisfaction and disappointment. In the end, he says he lost his core values of BDSM by pursuing our high. We ignored fundamentals that should have been in place because we were both chasing that high. I gave up boundaries that I shouldn’t have only for him to push even harder and feel more disappointed when I didn’t react/reciprocate what he was doing. That’s what led to the emotional roller coaster. Me pushing past my boundaries, only to feel his disappointment instead of satisfaction that I gave up a piece of control I was holding on to. Unbearable lows that left me wondering about my self worth because I could never seem to satisfy him anymore. Him not feeling seen because I couldn’t read the room and anticipate his needs. Him not feeling in control because I would argue and negotiate tasks that I really did not want to do. I wish I could go back and change it. I wish I could go back and be a different person, a different type of partner for him. And it’s heartbreaking that I can’t do anything to change it.

I’ve been asked if I’ll pursue another d/s dynamic after this. As of right now, I do not want to. All the things I’ve said on this blog are still true. He was my purpose. He made me feel secure and like he held the world in his hands. He made my problems feel like they were nothing when I was with him. It takes a special kind of man to make me feel that way. “If he can’t kill me, I don’t want him” is a very true and real thing for me. If I don’t think you could kill me, how can I expect you to protect me against my demons? Now, if you can’t kill him, do you deserve me? Approach me when you think you can kill a God. Otherwise, just leave me alone. You won’t measure up. That’s how I feel and until someone has enough balls to challenge it, shut your fucking mouths before I take your teeth and wear them on my collar.

I think that’s enough feelings for today. Thank you for coming to my talk.

Stay kinky,

Princess

[hisvoidwhore]

Slut Speaks

Abandonment Issues

I was 6 years old when I experienced emotional pain for the first time with my biological father. It was my dad’s visitation weekend and he had just picked me up. I was so excited to see him since it had basically been two weeks since our last visit and I was a daddy’s girl, through and through. Next thing I remember, we were fighting - don’t ask me what he was fighting with a 6 year old about because I dont remember, and it got to the point where he wanted to take me back to my mom. I remember telling him that she was at bowling and he wouldn’t be able to take me home until the morning and that I just wanted to go to bed. And that’s when I saw it for the first time - the temper I would be avoiding for the rest of my life. The temper I would inherit and have to learn to quell. He picked up my bag, picked me up, and without a word to anyone else in the house, loaded me in the van and started driving me back towards the bowling alley my mom and step-dad were at. I remember silently crying for the first time, trying not to let him know I was upset as he yelled at me that I am “just like my mother” and needed to “learn when to shut my mouth”. The heartbreak I felt as my dad tore me apart still stings, but it was nothing compared to what happened when we got to the bowling alley. My dad pulled right up to the doors of the building, got me out of the car, gave me my bag and told me to walk into the building and find my mom. I told him I had never been here before and didn’t know where to find her. I asked him to walk me inside to my mom if he was going to leave me here. He pointed to the doors and said, “I don’t care, you’ll find her. Someone will find you and find her” and he got back in the van and drove off. I stood outside for what felt like 20 minutes, terrified to go inside because of all the people inside for bowling league. The panic set in that I was completely alone and I needed to find my mom, or anyone I knew, quickly before I got lost or taken. My dad had just abandon me in a big city, at a place I had never been to before. Eventually I found my mom’s best friend coming out of the bathroom and she took me straight to my mom. My mom was drunk and confused on how I got there. She didn’t believe me when I said dad had left me here and even took me back outside to look for him, but just like I had said - he was gone.

I refused to speak to my dad for 3 years after that incident. Some people I’ve talked to thought it was my mom’s decision to separate me from him for my safety, but they were wrong. My dad called to apologize the next day, my mom handed me the phone and as soon as I heard it was him on the other end, I hung up the phone. My mom was in shock. I had started building the wall between me and my dad. I wasn’t going to allow him to hurt me that way again. For three years I didn’t answer his phone calls, did not go to his side of the family’s holidays/events, would invite his parents to my birthday parties, but not him. Everytime our paths crossed while I was at my grandparents or aunt and uncles, I was cold to him. I would not hug him, I barely said hello. I remember one time I was in the car with my grandparents and we had to drop something off to my dad. My grandpa pulled up to the garage and rolled down the windows in the car, I kept mine up so my dad couldn’t say hi to me. My dad came to the window and knocked on it. I rolled it down 2 inches, enough to hear what he had to say. For the first time in two years I heard my dad say “I love you, I’m sorry, please come home” and my only response was “you shouldn’t have abandoned me then” and I rolled up the window and wouldn’t listen to anything else he had to say.

It wouldn’t be for another year after that, that I was ready to move on and forgive him. But our relationship would never be the same. Our relationship still isn’t the same. We have done a lot of talking and healing and understanding between the two of us, but I still have a hard time trusting him even though it’s been 10 years since he’s caused me any pain.

Abandonment is still one of my biggest triggers to this day. I panic when I feel the abandonment of people. My friends, my family, my intimate relationships. I immediately hide behind my wall and act like everything is okay and I’m not worried about a person leaving, while inside I feel that same panic I did at 6 years old.

[hisvoidwhore]

Slut Speaks

Reflection Time: My marriage to my ex-husband.

I want to preface this reflection by saying my marriage was vanilla. There was never any d/s dynamic discussed or implemented. It was traditionally vanilla. Which is FINE AND I AM NOT SHAMING ANYONE VANILLA/NON-KINKY.

I was kinky before my marriage. Not anywhere near as kinky as I am today, but I was interested in bondage and possessiveness. Very early stages of discovering BDSM, and my marriage killed my exploration of that. My ex-husband is 18 years older than I am. Yep, you heard that right folks. When him and I started getting intimate, we had 0 sex discussions. No “What are you into?” “What turns you on?” “Do you like x, y, z?” “Is it okay if we x?” Nothing. Went in completely blind. And you would think that’s acceptable for the first time, maybe it was hasty and those conversations didn’t have time to blossom yet, but no. In the whole 6 years I was monogamous with this man, not a single sexually charged conversation. Which I look back on now and see as a huge red flag. But back then I had such a distorted way of looking at any older man as having his shit together and that I should just follow him. I thought he knew what he was doing with me and I trusted him to lead me.

Boy was I fucking naive. I give myself grace by acknowledging that I was young, too young to be making the decisions I made. I was not in the best mental health chapter of my life. And I told myself I would do better when I was ready to reenter the dating world.

My ex-husband was abusive, manipulative, evil, and spiteful. He was a trash person. And all the signs were right in front of me, but I was too blinded by an older man wanting to love me. And of course the relationship didn’t start off abusive, otherwise I wouldn’t have stayed. He brought me flowers, worked on my car, helped me buy my childhood home from my divorcing parents at 19/20 years old, showed me that there are men out there that love my body type, and of course said all the things I wanted and needed to hear as an insecure young adult. And then it started. The drinking. Money started disappearing faster than we could make it. Crazy, emotional outbursts that he wouldn’t remember in the morning. This included throwing his full dinner plate at me from across the table and jumping out of moving vehicles on drives home as well as leaving me stranded in unfamiliar places when he had the keys. Drugs (weed specifically) became a part of normal life for us. While I did not partake in the beginning, I was eventually worn down about doing it so much that I did it. And then the real manipulation started. I could no longer be upset with him for it because I was doing it too. His problems were now my problems and it was my responsibility as the wife to fix them. And work a full time job (2 most of the time) and take care of his kids when they visited and clean the house and run the errands and run the finances and maintain my personal hygiene and still want to have sex everyday. You can imagine how out of control that got. I managed to hold it together that way for 3 years before I absolutely broke. My being broke. Everything I thought I knew about life and love and partnership was so distorted from what my reality was that I finally got up the courage to have a hard conversation with my ex-husband. I thought the conversation went well. We were both not happy, we acknowledged it and discussed things we could both do to help fix our marriage and had planned to do those things moving forward. But I was wrong, the next morning I woke up to the beating of a lifetime. It was so bad that I called my mother who I was no contact with for 4 years and begged her to come get me. She called the police and came to get me. I went to the psychiatric hospital and got the help I needed, but it was a long, hard road. I had to quit my job because my ex-husband would show up at my work (I worked 3rd shift and didn’t want to risk him taking me in the dark). I did extreme amounts of therapy, during and after my hospitalization. I even had to go through a period where I thought we could reconcile. But I made it out the other side.

I struggle with trauma from my marriage, but the people I am currently in a relationship with are some of the most understanding, caring and passionate people I have ever met in my life. When I’m having hard moments, they seek to understand and help, not just listen. And that’s what love and partnership is truly about. I cannot forget that. Even when it’s hard.

[hisvoidwhore]

Slut Speaks

“Si vis pacum parabella”

If you want peace, prepare for war.

This is the first permanent reminder of my submission that I put on my body. It is in a tattoo that I have on my left side, wrapping from the side of my boob, to my back. Daddy has the masculine version “Si vis pacum parabellum” on the left side of his chest. This was my first action of fealty to his primal. That I would, in my journey to find primal peace, prepare for the war that binds our worlds.

This tattoo has brought me comfort in lows, grounding in highs and smiles when people ask me about it. I have a couple of tattoos, all with meaning, and this one by far is my favorite.

My primal journey has been a hard one. I’ve learned that I’ve had a primal since I was young, around 16 years old, as a way to protect myself and guide me. I acknowledge that I have done her a disservice by not listening to her. I was afraid of her for the longest time, thinking that she is too abrasive. I’ve ignored her instincts out of fear that following them would hurt me. I have not allowed her to grow. Now that I have a primal guide that wants to watch her grow and facilitate her in a safe and healthy manner, allowing myself to follow her has been difficult. My logic brain takes over and I can’t decider the “right time” from the “wrong time”. Daddy has told me there’s no such thing as the wrong time, but I still feel a responsibility to things in “normal” life. Which makes it hard to follow her when I am out and about doing normal things. When she calls me home in the middle of game night at a friend’s, it’s hard for me to leave. I know I need to start doing that, otherwise she will stop calling me. His primal will get fed up with my insubordinate nature and lose interest. Those are things I do not want. Nothing beats the high of seeing his primal eyes staring me down. When we communicate without words. Seeing his demons and smiling. Him seeing mine and tearing them apart with a single action. This is what it means to have a primal mate. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

@fetishmaster

[hisvoidwhore]

Slut Speaks

I’m starting something new!

Let’s be serious for a moment - I know I’m a brain dead little girl. It’s how I like to spend most of my time. But, I do have big girl thoughts sometimes.

I’m starting a new thread under #slutspeaks where I can write seriously about my submissive journey. In this thread I’m going to be basically journaling my journey. Everything from my thoughts on submission, being in a poly relationship for the first time, to documenting new things I’m trying with my dom. I want to have a place to be able to look back at my thoughts and see what progress I’ve made as I continue this journey of submission and my new life.

Some things may be triggering, as I plan to work through some trauma and unravel the “why” of some of my kinks. Please peruse the tag with caution if you are easily triggered or upset. Feel free to comment on the posts that are made under this tag, reblog them if you feel so inclined. At the root of my being, I like to help people and am very open, so if you see something that you agree with or think may help another person I will not limit you sharing that information. With that being said, understand that I am a real human being and deserve to be treated with respect, grace, and kindness. The things reflected in these posts are NOT professional advice, or things I would blindly recommend. Everyone’s journey is different and needs to be approached uniquely.

These posts will not have a regular schedule. They will appear as I work through things, have big girl thoughts, or try something new. Maybe in the future my dom will give me prompts to reflect on and they will be posted under this tag, we will see. For now, enjoy them as they come.

Thank you,

Bea

[hisvoidwhore]

Welcome Everyone!

My name is Princess! I’ve been on Tumblr for a long time under different names. So here’s some things about me to get things started:

I’m 28 years old

She/her

Uninterested in anything you have to say.

I’m from Wisconsin, USA

Asks are opened and all will be answered publicly.

I enjoy rough sex and pretty much all 18+ content. My blog reflects a variety of things I find hot, things I’ve done and things I want to try.

Find my ramblings about BDSM and lifestyle related things under #slutspeaks

Find pictures of me under #me

I am a submissive. I’m a spitfire brat and I irritate everyone. Approach with caution and expect sass.

I’m a busy, brain dead little girl and this is where I go to escape. If you don’t like it - Good. It’s not for you.

Dogs. When in doubt, dogs.

[ftm-himbo-hottie]

New blog, old one got deleted!

• I’m 27, transmasc, horny as can be

• i love talking to people and my asks and inbox are open to everyone ✨

• Into: cnc, himbofication, somnophilia, free use, being owned, hypnosis, pet play, dumbification, forced intoxication, anything that makes my pussy wet

• must be over 18 to follow me please!

• i just want to be the perfect fucktoy 🥹✨

• backup blog: @ftm-himbo-hottie2 my messages and asks are disabled on this one >:(