FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL
Pt 2 Chapter 8: Anonymous
I wake up feeling uneasy. Something about last night is bothering me, but I can't place what it is that is feeling off. I remember kissing Garreth, trying to kiss Sebastian, having a decent date with Garreth. Nothing should make me feel bothered, except potentially the part where Sebastian didn't kiss me. But I think it was for the better since I didn't do it because I wanted to kiss him, but because I wanted to see if there were any fireworks. I shrug it off, telling myself that I will probably feel sparks with Garreth if I kiss him enough times.
I'm meeting Poppy later to tell her everything about the date. In all honesty, I think she might be more excited to hear about it than I was going on it. But she is an excited person in general, so that makes sense. I'm conflicted because the thing about yesterday that I feel most excited about is the fact that I finally got to tell Sebastian exactly how much I despise him. And why. It felt so good to get it out, but I'm also confused why it makes me feel so excited. It feels forbidden, which makes it feel almost mysterious. For probably the 100th time I ask myself if it makes any sense to desperately want someone you hate.
I meet Poppy close to the forest, where we sit down on the slightly moist ground. The sun is shining, which it has been for the last days to my surprise, and I lay back to catch as many rays of sun as possible.
''So,'' she says in a voice that indicates that she is eager for details. ''How did it go?''
''It was alright,'' I tell her. ''We went to The Three Broomsticks and I took him on a ride on my broom. Then we went to a party.''
''Honestly Y/n,'' she says in a serious tone. ''I don't really want to know what you did, but rather how it was.''
''Well,'' I start, conflicted about what I should answer. ''It was nice. We kissed and that was nice, too. But no fireworks like I used to feel with Sebastian.''
She smiles, as if she knows something I don't. Her face quickly goes back to rather serious.
''Does that trouble you?'' she asks, tilting her head.
''A little,'' I admit.
''I'm no expert,'' she says in a soft voice. ''But I can imagine that you feel more intensely for some people, and less for others. And that it's not always a bad thing.''
''What do you mean?'' I ask and make a confused face.
''Well,'' she starts. ''That just because you didn't feel fireworks it doesn't mean there will never be a spark. That you can like him without fireworks.''
''That doesn't make sense,'' I tell her, even more confused than before.
''It does!'' she argues. ''Some people are fireworks and others are campfires. They are both beautiful, but they make you feel different.''
''That was an awful metaphor,'' I say with a laugh.
''It was not!'' she argues with a laugh. ''Milena was a firework, too. But I think campfires are more my thing. You just need to make up your mind on what's yours.''
I nod and finally understand her metaphor. It does make sense, but I don't like what she said because it makes me more confused. It would be so much easier if she just said that if there's no fireworks, it's not meant to be.
''We need to find you someone new,'' I tell her with a smirk.
''You know I don't do well with people,'' she says in a frustrated tone. ''It was better when it was just me and Highwing. No feelings hurt, just happiness.''
''I would set you up with Ominis, but I think he's falling for Imelda.'' I say, trying to come up with someone fit for Poppy.
''Nah, he's not really my type,'' she says. ''I mean, Milena wasn't either. But next time I'm going to go for someone that is.''
''Please don't tell me it's an animal,'' I laugh.
When I come back to my dormitory I see a letter laying on my bed. I'm surprised, hoping that it's not another disappointing letter from Sebastian. I open it and don't recognize the handwriting.
''Y/N,
You have something that belongs to us. Meet us in the castle close to Clagmar Coast next Sunday. We will be waiting for you. If you don't show, make sure to say goodbye to the people you care about.''
I'm confused and terrified. Who would send this and why? I can't think of anything in my possession that could even be considered to belong to anyone but me. And I'm even more confused by the fact that it appears to be more than one person who thinks I owe them something. My first instinct is to tell Ominis about this, but I push the thought away and tell myself that it's most likely someone trying to pull a prank on me. A very dull one, but nonetheless a prank.
The sun is setting and I decide to head to the astronomy tower to catch a look at the sunset. Since autumn at Hogwarts normally means absurd amounts of rain, I'm determined to catch every last look of the sun I might get. The sky is a soft pink and orange color. It's like a picture. I look carefully and try my very best to remember this very moment. There is a chilly breeze, but I don't mind. I'm too captured by the gorgeous sunset.
''Hi there,'' a friendly voice says. I was so focused that I didn't even notice anyone coming up behind me. I turn around and see Garreth. ''Gorgeous, right?''
He nods towards the sunset. I nod.
''I love sunsets,'' I tell him in, staring at the sun.
''Me too,'' his voice is soft as he speaks. ''Thanks for last night, by the way. But please, don't ever take me on that broom of yours ever again.''
''That was the best part of the night,'' I argue jokingly. ''I loved hearing you scream like a child behind me,''
''Oh, that wasn't me,'' he jokes. I look at him, he looks too kind for this world. ''And my best part of the night was the kiss.''
I had completely forgotten about that part as I was looking at the sunset and thinking about the broom ride. I feel terrible for forgetting and I'm not sure how to dodge that.
''It was nice,'' I tell him in a soft voice.
He nods and raises his eyebrows, staring at the sunset. It's getting darker, but the light is still soft. All I can think about is the anonymous letter I got. Something in my gut is telling me that it's not a prank, but of course I cannot know. I feel Garreth's hand on my arm, moving closer to me. I look at him and he is already looking at me. He's leaning closer, going in for a kiss.
The sun has almost fully set and we are standing at the top of the astronomy tower, kissing. He has one hand on my cheek and I have my hands in his hair. His lips are soft and warm and he tastes like tea. This really is the perfect moment for a kiss, but I still don't feel any fireworks. I wish I could feel sparks flying, but they never come. Garreth is looking at me with kind eyes and I'm watching the last piece of the sun fade away behind the lake.
As we walk back to the common room I think about Poppy's words. Some people are fireworks and others are a campfire. However, I'm still clueless when I ask myself which one I like better. Subconsciously, I know. But nor my head or heart is aware yet. And I'm starting to feel desperate for those fireworks.
I feel like an emotional wreck. The questionable feelings for Garreth, the mixed feelings for Sebastian and the fear from the letter. There is so much going on and I wish I could find a way to make them make sense. To be an emotional wreck, but aware of your emotions, is painful. But barely even knowing what you're feeling is worse. I sit down in front of the windows facing the lake, making Anne company who is already sitting there.
''What is it with everyone and stealing my spot?'' I ask her in a friendly, but lowkey annoyed tone.
''It's a good spot,'' she says in a kind voice. ''I could spend hours here, hoping that I might see a mermaid or something.''
''Trust me,'' I tell her. ''I have spent countless hours there and I have never seen a mermaid. But we should make a rumor about it. The younger Slytherins would look like fools.''
We laugh together and look out in the lake.
''Are you going on a date with Sebastian, by the way?'' she asks me in a curious voice.
I nod and glance her way.
''Yeah, but nothing will happen,'' I let her know. ''It's just so I can get some closure.''
She nods understandingly, not taking her eyes away from the window.
''You deserve that,'' she says, sounding as if she's dreaming. ''I hope you get the closure you need to move on.''
''Weren't you trying to talk me into talking to him just like, three days ago?'' I ask her in a sarcastic tone.
She smiles.
''I was,'' she says, still sounding rather dreamy. ''But I also know what it's like to need to move on. You've been nothing but kind to me, I wouldn't want you to hold onto the pain longer than you need.''
''Oh,'' I say in a surprised voice. ''I'm not holding onto any pain. But I still want closure, so I can move on for real.''
Why would she assume I'm holding onto any pain? I may have my moments of weakness, but frankly I feel stronger than ever after what happened. I was forced to open my eyes, respect myself and my boundaries better and learn to put myself first. It wasn't easy, but I did it for me. I'm hurt by the fact that she doesn't seem to see that and I wonder how everyone else sees me, but I quickly brush away the thought since their opinions don't matter to me.
