"Why don't you talk?"
"Why are you so shy?"
"Oh, she doesn't talk much."
"Why won't you speak to me?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you."
Why.
Don't.
You.
Talk.
I've heard those words a million times. "Why won't you just talk?" And every time anger burns through my blood. But you know what I can say to that?
Nothing.
You want to know why I don't talk? Fine. Let me tell you. It'll take just two simple words.
I. Can't.
A few weeks ago I wanted to go to my church youth group. I thought, 'Hey, I've been through therapy, I can talk at school, I'm ready.' Wrong. Walking up to that building, the pit in my stomach kept growing and growing. I felt dizzy. I felt faint. I could barely keep my feet moving one step at a time. Then I was through the doors and slapped with what felt like hundreds of voice. Honestly, there was probably only about 20 people there, but it felt like a thousand. They were laughing, chatting, hanging out and suddenly my stomach flipped, my breath froze in my throat. My limbs tensed so much I couldn't move them. I walked to the water fountain and practically hid in the corner. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt like I was going to throw up. I couldn't think from the pounding in my head. I couldn't move. How could I have ever thought this was a good idea? And then a woman approached me. She asked my name, and I tried to answer. My lips parted but nothing left them. Nothing. Something was blocking my throat and I couldn't talk. I tried to speak and not even a breath came out. I physically couldn't speak.
People might be deceived by the words selective mutism. Because of selective, they might think I have a choice. But the bare truth is I don't and have never had any choice of what triggers my mutism. It's always people I don't know, always strange places, but sometimes with people I do know it acts up constantly and I have no explanation why. I can't control it. I never chose it.
Nobody can understand that it's more than just not wanting to speak. It's not fear. It's not just all in my head. I am physically unable to speak. That's another thing that throws people off. The fact that it's an anxiety disorder. No one understands anxiety disorders. People think anxiety is all in a person's head. It's not. Selective mutism is proof of that. Because it isn't just anxiety. There's a reason mutism is a part of the word. Because in every sense of the word, in certain situations, I become mute. People think that because I'm loud and rambunctious at home means I'm completely capable of that elsewhere. I'm not.
So that's why I don't talk. You wanted to know so bad, here it is. Selective mutism laid bare.