#small-talk

[shivicollectsthings]

🤷

an on-going collection of small-talk ending conversation starters

[rainbruw]

Honestly, this is not exaggerated, this is exactly what it’s like in Germany. The mumbled stuff on the bus is “Entschuldigung” or “Ist noch frei?”, meaning “Excuse me” and “Still free (meaning Is this seat taken)?”. But saying them correctly or god forbid in a complete sentence is considered weirdly over-polite, or it’s the same scenario as in the waiting room: you’re passive-aggressive or trying to make small-talk.

Also if you do try and make small-talk, the most polite reaction you might get is forced-sympathetic “hmmm”s in various lenghts to whatever you say or the shortest possible answer to a non-yes/no question. All while looking either at their phone/book or the air in front of you and glancing at you from time to time.

But all of that is for other Germans. If you’re obviously from somewhere else, they’ll be polite and agreeable, maybe even nice. But know that in their heart, most of them still want to be left alone.

I wish I knew who to credit originally but all I have is the reddit link.

[non-stick-raven]

Small Talk

I am an introvert.

I hate small talk.

I work at a job in which small-talk is used all the time and I’m getting pretty good at it. Sometimes. At least I am for work.

I work in the office for a remote wilderness lodge and function as the front-desk information person. I speak to guests finding out about their flight times, help them check in and out of the lodge, book guided fishing/wildlife viewing tours/flight-sees, etc. and I cover for the gift-shop keeper on her day off. So there’s a lot of opportunity for small talk. If I DON’T participate, then the guest feels less welcome, so I’ve found ways to make it work and I feel less (or not at all) awkward.

The #1 small-talk strategy: talk about something you both experienced. Most people come to see the wildlife. I see things every day and photograph it and know a shit-load about it. So I ask them what they’ve seen - they’re immediately excited to ramble on about what they saw. This not only puts THEM in the spotlight, it gets them more excited about their stay = happier about our service  = me look better to them, even if it was all THEM.

In customer service, be an AUTHORITY/EXPERT. I try to educate myself so I know more than most people about the things guests see and do where I work. While this does give me more material to talk about, more importantly it gives me CONFIDENCE, minimizing anxiety - even if I AM wrong about something, they won’t know because I was such an expert about the rest. ;) And if you DON’T know something, it’s really easy to come off as humble and magnanimous by simply saying, “you know, I don’t know about that - maybe we can find out if we ask X”. Instead of feeling stupid for not knowing, I feel like an awesome human for not being a douchebag, and I help the guest find the info they want. Everybody wins.

Ask questions. This is actually tricky because an intrinsic part of small talk is CARING to do it in the first place. And most of us with social anxiety or who are introverts simply don’t CARE about small talk. So I had to come up with easy questions I could always use:

Did you have a good flight in?

Have you seen any bears yet?

Where are you folks from? (Even if I saw them write it down)

What brings you to camp?

Have you been to Alaska before? Have you been anywhere else in Alaska? (If so then) ohhhh, what did you see?

Open-ended questions are ideal. Those first two are yes/no so for those I have prepared responses (No bears? You can go see them *here*). Kind of like if you work in a store, your question is probably, “Did you find what you were looking for?”. I use the yes/no questions as a warm-up -- see how they respond. If they are shy like me, I can play the Authority/Expert and spout on about cool stuff in camp. If they seem like extroverts, I put the ball in their court and let them run with it.

I certainly wasn’t good at any of this my first year. My second year I was a bit over-medicated but in a happy, “I’m socially invincible!” way which allowed me to try things without feeling anxious and to see the results without beating myself up. I don’t recommend being over-medicated but do think we can look at these “I-will-never-see-you-again” moments as opportunities to experiment and try different techniques to practice. Try one a week, if you can manage, and work your way up. It takes time - and a lot of conversing with people for practice. But you’ll improve and small talk won’t be so draining in the future. :)

[books-and-barricades]

I was wearied to death with small-talk — nothing wears me out like that. I cannot imagine how they can go on as they do. Is it that they think it a duty to be continually talking, and so never pause to think, but fill up with aimless trifles and vain repetitions, when subjects of real interest fail to present themselves? — or do they really take pleasure in such discourse?

Anne Brontë, The Tenant of Wildfell Hall (1847)

[stancarey]

The value of formulaic conversation

Unlike many in my circle I think I have always understood the value of formulaic conversation and how it can make for real communication. Such exchanges can forge a link with someone when there is deep affection but no real common ground. [...] Closeness of that particular type is perhaps only possible with people one has known all one's life, when the bonds have been made before something in one's soul has been closed down by consciousness, by knowledge; a kind of closeness that can coexist even with dislike.

Deirdre Madden, Molly Fox's Birthday

[tentaclemadestudios]

i need someone to rescue me. I AM NOT HAPPY WITH THIS.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Be Real, or Beat It

I really can't stand small talk. It's so artificial and fake. I don't understand why people do it, but it's so socially acceptable and I really don't understand why. Do people really enjoy being like that? Or do they do it because they feel they don't have time to do anything more? I don't see why people find it necessary and why they are so accepting of it. It truly irks my nerves. So how about that weather? It's nice weather we having. yea so what, is that all you care to talk about? Or you ask me my name, and say nothing else after that. Why'd you ask me my name in the first place, if you don't even care to know anything else about me? Why waste your energy? Why ask me how I'm doing? if you don't genuinely care how I truly feel? Saying "I'm good," sounds so artificial. Because, there is so much more I can say. I can explain why I'm not good, explain my frustrations of the day, or I can say, I am good, and explain why my day was good. But you're just simply doing it to make "small talk." Why? If you don't really care, why do you bother talking to me. If you don't care to know who I am, or the experiences I have, the many things that make me who I am, why are you wasting your energy? Save yourself the time and energy please. Because I'd rather not be artificial with you. If you're gonna have a conversation with me, than you better have something meaningful to talk about. Make me feel like you have a genuine interest in me, and I will do the same for you. I crave intelligent conversation. I crave understanding of who people are, their experiences, what makes us different, what makes us alike, the core of our beings. Either be real, or beat it.