I Speak in Metaphors

Lydia. I'm 29. Write poetry, sing, play guitar/piano, play video games, and love to read. Wife/mom/grad student. This is where I post things about my view on the world: as well as other things I feel inspired by, things that speak to my soul: as well as food recipies that also speak to my soul. Visit my book review page at findinspirationinbooks.tumblr.com

[speakinginmetaphors]

Poison Dart

maybe i push you away. because basically everyone that was supposed to be there abandoned me. deserted me in the middle of nowhere with no map. I had to find my own way. had no one to ask for directions because no one i’ve ever known had been here before. like a lost little puppy I was alone and scared wondering who in this world  could love me? Every word that was said to me hit me like a  poison dart allowing the poison to run through my veins. And its hard for me to believe that you too won’t shoot poison darts at me. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

Power Over Me

Not sure what the future may hold because of the systems in place to which I have no voice in and the people who control all the power I have no power, as I am at the bottom of the totem pole. An opportunity pops up one that I’ve been shooting for, waiting for so long, putting every once of energy within me to achieve this goal: and after years of trying, my efforts seemed fruitless, and now something finally happened for me. But because of systematic barriers,  I feel it will be thrown in my face before it even has the chance to blossom just like all those other times before.  I wanna feel like I’m contributing and doing good work for the betterment of other people, as well as myself.  I want this time, I need this time to grow. Its time things work out for me. it’s time that my efforts bear their fruit. But I am terrified Terrified of it slipping away. I’m trying not to psyche myself up.  I almost expect this to not work out. And who knows when another opportunity like this will come.  I just want this one good thing, and I deserve it.  But others in power might think differently, might deem me undeserving or incapable.  And there will be nothing I can do about it because I am powerless. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

Trying Not to Believe in the Lie that I Can’t be Loved

When I was growing up my mother kept a tabs on me from the moment I was born. Every transgression was painstakingly carved in stone never to be forgotten. I was reminded that they existed, that I was an imperfect person and because my own mother didn’t love me, that no one else would either. That any sin that I would ever commit to anyone that anything I could ever do to disappoint someone would be carved in stone over and over again. And if I fucked up too many times, then I would be forced to leave. Cause that’s what my mom did she couldn’t handle me anymore, and she just threw me out. I hated living there but at least it was stability at least i could count on knowing where I’d sleep at night. Sleeping in my car and living out on the streets  should not have been something to cross my mind. I should not have thought that living in my car or living out on the streets alone would be better than living with the woman who gave me life.  And thanks to the very first relationship I had ever had, it set the stage for what I believed every other relationship would be like that everyone else would abandon me too. That everyone else would decide I was too much to “deal with” and leave me behind. I’m still trying to convince myself, that who I am as a person is enough. that I don’t have to be anything more. that me, as a person, just me: is loveable, even tho I wasn’t loved. That not everyone will abandon me if they get “fed up with me.” That I’m not failing everyone around me. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

reblogging cause i edited this. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

People Like You

You led me on mad me think you were my friend. Made me think you wanted to hang out with me made me think you valued my time. But then you disappear like dust in the wind never to be seen or heard of again.  You told me ‘hey lets hang out” and when i asked you ignored me. You tricked me into thinking you might think I was cool enough to hang out with.  that you might acutally like me, that you might value quality time with me. But i guess i was wrong. Ya know, just quit being nice okay? quit being nice for the sake of being nice. Just flat out tell me you dont like me and dont wanna hang out with me. Just stop trying to save face all the time.  I’d rather be hurt initially, than feeling like i’ve been betrayed because you led me on.  Just stop okay? Save me the time. I’m so sick of the superficiality, and the inability for people to value relationships. It’s people like you who make me so afraid to trust anyone because I fear I will just be discarded and thrown away. It’s hard for me to open up, and I put in the effort to do that for you. And I put in the effort as best I could, to make friends and to find connections.  It’s people like you who make me wonder what is the fucking point, people like you who make the wall I’ve built around myself even taller. People like you who make me feel like, maybe it’s easier being alone. Cause at least I know I can make time for myself and that I value quality time with me. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

Trying Not to Believe in the Lie that I Can’t be Loved

When I was growing up my mother kept a tabs on me from the moment I was born. Every transgression was painstakingly carved in stone never to be forgotten. I was reminded that they existed, that I was an imperfect person and because my own mother didn’t love me, that no one else would either. That any sin that I would ever commit to anyone that anything I could ever do to disappoint someone would be carved in stone over and over again. And if I fucked up too many times, then I would be forced to leave. Cause that’s what my mom did she couldn’t handle me anymore, and she just threw me out. I hated living there but at least it was stability at least i could count on knowing where I’d sleep at night. Sleeping in my car and living out on the streets  should not have been something to cross my mind. I should not have thought that living in my car or living out on the streets alone would be better than living with the woman who gave me life.  And thanks to the very first relationship I had ever had, it set the stage for what I believed every other relationship would be like that everyone else would abandon me too. That everyone else would decide I was too much to “deal with” and leave me behind. I’m still trying to convince myself, that who I am as a person is enough. that I don’t have to be anything more. that me, as a person, just me: is loveable, even tho I wasn’t loved. That not everyone will abandon me if they get “fed up with me.” That I’m not failing everyone around me. 

[legogradstudent]

Counting on the first moments of the new year to fill him with renewed motivation and hope, the grad student feels nothing.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Interrogation at the Pediatrician’s office

I went to the pediatrician and I felt a negative energy in the room as I was asked by the nurse  “is your child eating vegetables?” “Well, she likes onions” I said.  And this answer wasn’t good enough, as I was interrogated some more with the question: “How about any greens?”  to which i responded “no.”  I mean...she is fucking four years old.  Jesus, I’m sorry that my four year old isn’t eating green beans, and broccoli.  It’s a win if my child eats food.  I’m trying to feed her anything that she will eat. and No her meals aren’t “balanced”  Are YOUR Meals balanced?? and does every meal include a serving from all five food groups?! And it’s not like I haven’t TRIED to introuduce such  “green” foods into her diet.  I even tried to make a smoothie filled with strawberries and rasberries, and just a pinch of spinach: but no. I couldn’t fool my quickwitted child.  So. naturally, that plan went down the crapper.  And then I felt like more of a shitty mom because my child has yet to consistently shit in the toilet. I failed as a mom because my toddler doesn’t eat broccoli, or grean beans and she doesn’t crap in the toilet.  Cause you know she can’t go to school if she can’t do so.  So yay more pressure on me and more reasons to make me feel like a failure as a mom.  I’m doing my absolute best and I’m doing everything I can.  Of course I want my child to get the nutrients she needs and to be healthy and strong.  But it’s not like I’m not trying. And visiting the doctor made me feel like the worst mom of the year. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

Professor Shitshow

You got your PhD You climbed through the ranks from associate professor to assitant professor to professor to tenured profesor. You’re well respected in your department cause you started your own lab. Look at you.  Look at all you’ve accomplished. and you continue to poop out your research. You are an asset to the university.

They CAN’T loose you. You have power over everyone. The students. Other faculty members. The university.  Anything you say cannot and will not be used againt you.  Because YOU have all the power. Nothing else matters.  student eval forms don’t matter. It doesn’t matter if students spend every penny they have sitting in your class wasting their time.  Cause YOU have tenure! YOU have the power. YOU make the university money. YOU give the universtiy prestige.  It doesn’t matter if you can teach or not.  Everyone below you doesn’t have a say.  You have all the privledge in the world to not give a damn.  How the fuck do you sleep at night. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

Womaning Up

to the woman  who is constantly called a bitch,

who is fearless as fuck

and gives 0% shits what people say or think about her,

who has no shame in being who she is

who has no problem standing up when she is thrown to the ground.

who rises to the occasion every single time

and womans up to those who did her wrong.

I envy you.

I wish I could be like you.

I look up to you.

i too wish i gave less shits when people piss me the hell off.

when someone pisses me off so hard i can feel it in my veins.

woman,

i envy you.

I wish I had the courage that you have. 

To the woman who isn't ever afraid to advocate for herself

not afraid to ask for what she wants and needs.

not afraid of someone else's negativity.

to the woman who rises above

and comes out the other side.

to the woman who's called a bitch,

you are anything but.

you're a firecracker.

you're a motherfucking force to be reckoned with.

keep at it.

I hope to woman up with you.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Becoming a Better Me

I’m a graduate student I’m a wife I’m a mother.  I’m a full-time worker. But what else am I? fill in this blank over here and this blank over here.  If i can’t fill in the blank and be more than these things who the heck am I?  I have other dreams and desires.  I wanna sing. I wanna read and imagine another world where fictional characters come to life, And I feel their intense emotions and experience their lives as if they were my own. I wanna go rollerblading and biking. I wanna explore all the colors of nature In my world. I want to play games where i am powerful and strong and i can do anything. I want to be more than just wife, mom, grad student, and employee.  I'm much more well rounded than that.  Carving out the time for just me is the hardest. Feeling like I have no time to carve out. But I matter. My needs and wants matter. I deserve to be me. I should come first and everything else will follow. Becoming a better me day by day.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Moneytrap

$150 here for a symposium,

Another $50 here for a conference,

Another $300 here for a semester's worth of text books,

$3000 for a semester's course load,

$250 for an application to take an exam,

It all adds up so quickly,

And I'm at the bottom of this giant mountain of money,

That I don't know that I'll ever escape from.

I keep telling myself it will all be worth it

But I can't help but wonder if I'll be trapped under a mountain of money i can't afford to pay back

And then everything I know will be gone.

My home,

My job,

My car,

My most prized possessions.

All this money is sucking the life out of me and I'm gasping for air.

This has to be worth the sacrifice.

I have to come out of this alive.

I just have to.

I traveled far and wide on this journey.

And my life has just begun.

I need peace at the end of this road.

money cant be my lifelong enemy.

I deserve to live.

I deserve to escape the trap.

But I can't help but wonder if money will forever grip me so tightly that I'm constantly gasping for air.

I hope one day I can break free from money's clenched hands.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Sanctinursers

Draining my breasts with every ounce of milk I had And instantly my baby is hungry. I hooked myself up to a pump Plastered to the couch Not able to move For 30 minutes And still all that work And I get five ounces. Everything I could give her didn’t seem enough to satisfy her hunger. I asked for help. I didn’t know what to do I just really wanted support. encouragement. But instead I got unsolicited advice: Have you tried Flaxseed, Fennugreek, Oatmeal, are you eating your greens? What about nuts? what about ginger? garlic? Are you taking prenatals? Are you staying hydrated? perhaps drink some gatorade I would rather not drink a flavorless/sugary beverage with food coloring I’ll pass.   How often are you pumping? You know,  the more you pump The more milk you’ll have. Um no not working. It’s still the same. What about lactation cookies?? Hey here’s this overpriced brand that makes them. It REALLY helped me! At first I was only able to pump a couple of ounces  but now I get 10 ounces every time! Have you tried power pumping?  Pump for 20 minutes then rest for 10 minutes pump for another 10 minutes, then rest for 10 minutes. I spend every waking moment  either pumping or nursing my child and not once did I see an increase.  I even got up in the middle of the night, setting alarms, just to make sure i didn’t lose what little milk I had. Eventually, it was too much. I couldn’t stay awake enough and I felt like a failure as a mom. I don’t need your “advice” to make me feel even worse. 

all this “advice” was given to send the message that I’m obviously doing it wrong that I’m obviously inadequate because i can’t provide for my baby like all the mothers can and here’s a list of things I can do to fix it and do it the right way. Most of this shit that you’ve been spewing at me is completely anecdotal and has no scientific evidence. I am glad it worked for you, but I’ve exhausted all options that I had access to and all I want is some help.  Just because it works for you does not mean it will work for every other woman. Perhaps you simply already had a lovely milk supply and you just so happened to eat those overpriced lactation cookies  and because of your already high milk supply you thought those lactation cookies  or that fennugreek pill you took was the cause.  I gave my child every part of my being. Literally.. every part of my being.  My body, my love, my time every single part of me devoted to her every waking moment.  I never asked for your advice. I wasn’t looking for advice. I was just looking for someone to help me out, someone who could so graciously share some of their extra milk with someone who desperately needed it.  so that my baby could have the best start in life. 

[speakinginmetaphors]

No

My first time  was not by choice. It was forced upon me as if I were a lifeless doll that could fulfill your fantasy We made out and you bought me this lacey red bra. We made out we foreplayed and it was fun. Untill you pulled your pants down and I saw it. you inched your way up towards me I saw you coming at me and I told you No. you kept saying it’s okay. It’s okay. I won’t stick it in all the way. I told you no. But I was just here to fulfill your fantasy. So you stuck your dick inside me even after I told you No. It’s still not okay even if you don’t stick it in all the way. It’s still Rape.  And it was my first time so i didn’t now if it was in all the way or not. I was so naive that I thought I was going to get pregnant and have your baby, and that my mother would disown me like she always said she would. if I got pregnant before I married.  So I was trying to prepare for a life on the streets.  I was terrified. Ashamed. I thought I was dirty. I thought it was my fault. I thought I should have screamed, kicked, pushed you off, anything to get you to stop. But I said No. And that should have been enough. The second time was when I worked as a waitress. You kept trying to grab me And kiss me. I told you I had a boyfriend. You said, So? He doesn’t need to know. My saying I had a boyfriend was telling you to back the fuck up. I couldn’t have been more clear. But your massive arms Hovered over me Like a straight jacket I couldn’t escape from And I told you no over and over again. The third time I was just in the library studying for my finals And You touched me down there. I kept telling you no. I told you no. And that I had a boyfriend. And you said so what? I told you no. The fourth time You kept rubbing yourself against me Trying to get me all hot and bothered And I said no I have a boyfriend.  You said,  So? He doesn’t need to know  And you kept trying to put your hands underneath my clothes Trying to pull my clothes off And I kept saying no over and over again.  No I have a boyfriend means  Back the fuck up.  No also means back the fuck up.  No means no.  No means you ought to Respect my choice And my body.  No means you leave me the fuck alone. Every boy needs to be educated about the definition of No. That women are not your prize. How many girls you coerced into performing sexual favors for you doesn’t define your manhood. Women are not here for your pleasure. Women are people who are capable of making choices about their bodies How dare you take that from them. Women are humans also and its time we start respecting the meaning of no.

[speakinginmetaphors]

When someone​ asks me what my favorite childhood memory is, I struggle to come up with an answer. Because the only thing I can remember​ in vivid detail is all the times you sprinted To the drawers in the kitchen Where you kept all your spatulas And you rushed over to me To hit me with one. One, Two, Three, …. Four, Five times, Too many to count. I remember screaming back at you While the windows were opened And I screamed the best blood curdling scream I could muster. I wanted everyone in the neighborhood know what you were doing.. I wanted to make it known the torture You inflicted upon me. But no one rescued me from hell. I don’t remember what it was like to be me as a child. All the memories of you screaming at me Punching me in the head Slapping me in the face And hitting me with spatulas Pooled in my brain And dissolved any good memory I ever had I have no memory of who I was back then You let that little girl Wither away. But she’s been reborn. As a young woman With only the memories that she is making right now.

[speakinginmetaphors]

To All the Daughters Out There

To all of the daughters out there. We as women who came before you who weren’t even considered citizens. So much so that we could’t own property. but were property owned by men.  We as women were told our place in the world was to be the maker of the home to pop out babies and raise the babies. Young girls learned that nothing more was ever expected of them. So little girls quit going to school to fulfill their destiny as a homemaker. We as women finally had the opportunity to find our place in the workplace while our husbands went off to war we were no longer forced to stay inside the home and on the farm however, we finally had that freedom to work but it didn’t matter what wages we were being paid and how poor the conditions were.  It didn’t matter if we got any time off to take care of our little babies and to heal our bodies from the labor of love  of pushing out a baby through our vaginas.  And when we finally felt it was okay for us to go back to work, not that we were okay inside but because we were afraid we’d lose our job for taking too much time off to raise the next generation and to care for their needs.  Those first few months, weeks, and years  set the foundation for the rest of a child’s life.

When we went back to work we were thrown to the side with no opportunity for advancement. Why must we be punished for doing something as grand as raising tomorrow’s  adults: tomorrow’s workforce: CEO’s leaders, doctors, lawyers, teachers, writers, artists, governors, and presidents. Women and children help grow our world.  To all the daughters out there, I hope you can live in a world where your strength is recognized and celebrated. I hope that you and your babies will be given the time you so desperately need.  Without question. Without retribution.  I hope that you won’t have to kick and scream as much as we do.

[speakinginmetaphors]

Nightmare Health Care

Millions of Americans will have health insurance they said. Millions of Americans who were uninsured before will be covered  they said.  I finally think, well now I’m finally able to afford my own health insurance after so may years of having no insurance and breaking my bank every time i fell ill: Every time I read a bill I about died at the sight of it.  But finally, that would change, Because you never know something could go awry at any point. Turns out I ended up getting very sick  and every tried and true remedy that I found on everydayroots.com wasn’t making my situation any better. I tried to take care of it myself for I had been down this road before I knew I’d pay out the wazoo. I went to the doctor for a checkup turns out I had an infection  that could only be helped by antibiotics. This was just a routine doctor’s visit and I found myself dying again at the hundreds of dollars i now owed Which took well over a year to pay in full: from the only sub par approved provider listed that I was allowed to go to. Why can’t we be given any choice in which doctors we see? And why can’t we have access to quality healthcare? Canada pays 10 percent of their GDP into healthcare and every single person has access to healthcare and income does not limit your care. Meanwhile in America we pay 18 percent of our GDP towards healthcare while Our health insurance CEOS sit smugly at their desks collecting their millions while millions of americans struggle to live as a result  of their profits. Imagine a world where no one would need to  create gofundme pages begging others to donate money so they can live and not go bankrupt. Imagine a world where access to medical care is a basic human right where you! get healthcare! you get health care! you get health care and you get health care! When will we wake up from America’s Nightmare Health Care?

[speakinginmetaphors]

Game of Catch Up

(I have only just recently got interested in slam poetry, so this is my best attempt at creating a poem that is meant to be spoken) As far back as I can remember Go to college get a good job they’d say.  My parents. My teachers.  drilled the concept into my head  that this was how I could lead a better life. I’d make good money they’d say. I wouldn’t have to work as hard as they did. I wouldn’t have to worry they’d say.  And then I graduated high school and our economy crashed  not knowing the turmoil it truly caused. I went to college thinking that sitting through a lecture taking notes and passing tests that tested your memorization of  vocabulary terms. and remembering that Sigmund Freud was a pioneer in the field of Psychology who came up with the ego defense mechanisms. and that Abraham Maslow came up with the Hierarchy of needs. and Jean Piaget came up with the stages of cognitive development in children. They say knowledge is power. But I have all this knowledge and no where to go. Knowledge doesn’t seem to push me forward to new heights. My education failed me. I have no job prospects and am in no better shape than before I graduated high school. Even after all this time I can only seem to get a minimum wage job. Just like I could then.

My education should have done more than offer me lectures  and tests and research papers to write. All of which don’t seem to have any value. My education should have prepared me for work. and given me marketable skills instead. So that my education was worth my time.  and that there was a point to it all.  Now I feel aimless. Stagnant. Lame and worthless. Now it’s an endless game of catch up and I keep wondering when it’s gonna end.  Wondering how much longer I have to keep fighting.