Its great how so many people these days are preaching about self love and how not being in a relationship or never having had a relationship isnt bad and how you shouldnt feel less than because of it, but its hard yknow? Never having had that kind of validation in your life. Never having had someone be interested in you enough to approach you genuinely for you. It makes all those fake 'my friend likes you' pranks from boys in hs hurt all the more, and it just hurts wondering when you'll finally get that from a person that you're genuinely interested in thats genuinely interested in you. It makes it sting all the more when family members question why you never had a relationship in school, or when they talk about how the had plans to grill the prom date that you never had. It kinda makes you question whats wrong with you. And you know that theres nothing wrong with you, you do, it just makes you wonder if you're asking too much for someone to approach you with actual interest in you as a person and as a romantic partner. It makes you listen to love songs with nothing to relate it to. It makes you listen to breakup songs with nothing to relate it to. It makes you listen to most songs with nothing to relate it to. It just messes with your confidence eventually. I mean reading fanfic can only get you so far. One day you just start to wonder what its like, and all the what-if's start to run through your head; 'What if I had put more effort in?' 'What if I went after the ones I liked instead?' 'What if I hadnt declined the one person who was interested in me that I wasn't into?' Like you know that a relationship does not define you, and you're perfectly fine being single seeing as its all you've really known, but at the same time, it seems like no one will ever truly be interested in you, and thats probably not true, but feelings are feelings and they need to be acknowledged. Its just that acknowledging this one hurts you. Especially since you've been actively planning a wedding of some sort for years despite your ever changing tastes and desires when it comes to dresses, decor, guests, venue, and theme. It's kinda come to the point where you dont even care if theres another person there you kinda jusg want a fancy dress and a big party and a day where its just about you and a long vacation afterwards. But I digress. This whole feelings thing is just hard.
