The sex tape angst is so good,,,im so hungry for a follow up with John and Alexei in the gym
[context] thank youuu here is a snack for u my beloved loyal reader 😌🫶
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When John texted “fine,” he didn’t go inside.
He stayed exactly where he was, planted on the edge of the helipad, toes dangling over the edge as his entire body trembled with pent up emotion. More than anything, John felt angry. Angry that his privacy had been violated but even more so that Bob’s had been violated. The fact that he couldn’t protect Bob from that was half the reason he was staring over the edge.
The other reason was because he felt ashamed. Because there was still a part of John that resented himself and who he was and what he liked. John tried not to think about his sexuality too much, honestly. He read the tweets calling him a fag and the ones insisting that he couldn’t be and it reminded him of his parents, of his hometown, of the military.
“We are going inside now,” was the only thing Alexei said when he set his hands on John’s shoulders. John shook his head, curled his toes around the edge of the helipad like they could somehow hold him still. But Alexei managed to guide him back inside with the single reminder, “Bob loves you very much.”
“I failed him,” said John when they walked through the doors, halfway dissociated as Alexei led him to the elevator. “I know what it’s like to have a video ruin your life. I should’ve protected him from it and I—”
Alexei shook his head and pressed the button for the gym floor. “It is not your fault that the people who were supposed to protect you failed you.”
John didn’t have the energy left to ask what Alexei meant. He stood at Alexei’s side in silence until they reached the training room. The moment they walked through the doors, something in him snapped. John walked up to the punching bag, hit it once, twice, and then lost himself in striking it.
He imagined that the bag was Valentina, that he was punching her for her decision to put a security camera where there shouldn’t have been one. He imagined that the bag was the person who leaked the footage, that he was elbowing them for leaking the footage. He imagined that the bag was his “fan” who spread it around Twitter like him and Bob were nothing but eye candy.
He imagined that the bag was himself, the piece of shit who ruined his life on camera in the first place, who couldn’t protect his boyfriend from doing the same.
By the time Alexei pulled him off the bag, John’s knuckles were split open, a bright red scrape stinging his elbow. John shoved Alexei off, instinctively back to striking. Rather than defend himself, Alexei just took it. He let John hit him, not even blinking, not bothered by the way John’s knuckles slid off his chest.
Probably because his force was all wrong. He couldn’t hurt Alexei with how angrily sloppy those hits came out. John gasped as he stepped back and pushed his hands over his eyes, palms soaking up a mix of sweat and tears of frustration.
“Breathe,” Alexei told him. John’s back hit the wall, his chest pounding so hard that it fucking hurt. “You are having PTSD. Breathe. Deep breath in and out.”
Once Alexei said it, John realized that he was right. He wasn’t just thinking about the present moment but the past. He was thinking about every time a camera had been on him without his knowledge, all the worst mistakes he’d ever made in the presence of one; he was thinking about all the times people stared at him and he’d fucked up so many times that he didn’t even know why.
The worst part was that Bob would experience the same thing. John knew that Bob had agoraphobia, that he’d spent over a year doing everything he could to overcome it. And just like that, it was probably back. Just like that, Bob could no longer leave his home without being stared at, judged, mocked because he dared to have impulsive consensual sex with his boyfriend.
“I saw the video,” John admitted, choking on a strained breath. “I know I shouldn’t have clicked on it, but I did, and I— I shouldn’t tell you this, but Bob hates the way he has sex. He hates his body. He has so much trauma wrapped up in it and now everyone— and I fucking hate my body too. I already saw dozens of comments asking why he would want to be with me.”
“Because he loves you,” said Alexei calmly. “The person that he knows is not the person that the world thinks you are.”
“And what happens when he realizes he’s wrong about me?”
“He isn’t. He knows you. These people on the Twitter do not.”
“I don’t want him to get hurt.” John’s voice cracked as he slid down to the floor. He dropped his arms between his knees, his chest still heaving with each breath. “I’ll never fucking forgive myself if he gets hurt.”
Alexei inhaled slowly, a gentle compassion in his words when he smiled and said, “And Bob will never love you less if he does.”
I formatted a fanfiction into book form and paid a website to make it real
(Oh baby baby)
Another Man’s Shoes is a Forever fanfiction by @truthisademurelady and hands-down the best body swap fic I’ve ever read. Thanks to @smileytiger28 for helping me design the cover!
hello margot i have been curious about this forever but never had the brain cells to ask -- what does the 302.0 in your bio mean?
oh wow i’m glad someone finally asked about that! 😂
It’s a reference to the song Glad To Be Gay by Tom Robinson Band! 302.0 was the code tied to homosexuality when it was still classified in the international classification of diseases as a mental disorder. Tom Robinson mentions this at the start of the song and “dedicates” it to the world health organisation. I just love the song. (i did a paper on it for my history class my senior year)
I think when I added the 302.0 (which was like three years ago so i don’t really remember) it was because i was afraid of my family or whatever finding my blog so i didn’t want to outright put my sexuality in my bio but i did kind of need to add that for my own sake because it was the only place i was able to be “out” at the time - if only through code.
I’ve thought about removing it a few times because it’s literally only for me and i knew it might confuse people but I just find it somehow means a lot to me still.
In short: the 302.0 in my bio basically means ‘Glad To Be Gay’.
wait so have you always meant [gunshot] when you put [gunshot] in tags or did you sometimes just mean [gunshot] like in the generic sense like [eating glass]
NO i’ve used it to cut myself off from saying many different things! i promise i’m not always [redacted] truthing on here!
me too may i offer u some more hcs i been thinking of 🤲
yelena and john figure it out together. after a particularly bad episode, they compare notes and fall down the rabbit hole of ptsd and age regression. they talk to bob about it very calmly with a list of their observations so he can talk to his therapist about it.
bob is not receptive to it at all in the beginning. he doesn't remember much of what he does when he regresses so it's easy for him to just say no, i would never act like a child, i'm an adult. it takes him time and therapy to accept it's something involuntary.
his oral fixation is OBVIOUS when he regresses. he's almost always chewing on something. his fingers, his jacket's drawstring, candy, etc. to the point that john bought him a chew necklace because he was concerned about bob's indestructible teeth.
he loves stuffed animals but refused to accept them for a while. it confused everyone at first because bob has always been grateful for any gift. it isn't revealed until he's regressed several times that he revealed his dad didn't allow him to have any because they were "for girls and babies."
on that note, he lore drops a lot when he's regressed but in a subtle way. he'll be uncomfortable with something and then not want to explain why and eventually admit it's because of something one of his parents said or did.
his absolute favorite toys are puzzle toys. rubik's cubes, 3d puzzles (esp if he gets to paint it), any logic games, etc. he really likes things that give him something calm to focus on.
when he's regressed, bob tends to go to yelena for company and john for comfort. for example, yelena will sit and draw with him or play stardew with him; john will let bob sit on his lap or cuddle up to his side until he feels better.
angstier headcanon: bob is easily threatened. his instinct is to believe that every touch is intended to hurt. at first, it's not uncommon for him to hide for most of or all the time he's regressed, but john and yelena slowly help him open up.
similar to that, he HATES fighting and arguing. it does not matter if he is or isn't involved in the dispute, he will remove himself from the situation as quickly as possible. if john or yelena sees, they usually follow him to see if comfort is something he wants/needs.
he has very little appetite when he's regressed. young bob just isn't used to being well fed. they give him a lot of simple snacks (crackers, fruit snacks, cheese sticks, etc.) to make sure he eats enough when his brain tells him he doesn't need it.
Bob reminiscing about a kindred spirit from his past (they were both struggling and mentally ill, would be friends in another life type of deal) and they disappeared one day without explanation, Bob wonders aloud to John what happened to that person. John is struck bc he’s never heard about anyone specific from bobs past who wasn’t 100% evil or negligent, so he contacts Jessica Jones (PI) to find the person’s whereabouts. Closure as a bday/valentines gift orsth (maybe even reunion?)
love love LOVE this yes yes i fear i cannot do it justice with simply a ficlet so i must give some thoughts of how it may translate into a longer story 🙏 sorry this took me 600 years i am often a slow idea-haver
so it starts late one night. they're just lying in bed. bob has taken his meds and he's half-asleep staring at the ceiling. john doesn't take sedatives like bob so his insomnia is hitting and he's just scrolling on his phone. he listens as bob rambles about this and that. bob gets on some story about his past.
bob tells a story about somebody he met and at first the story sounds like most of his stories--bob took a community art class on a whim and met a guy. john is pretty sure he knows which direction this is going (the guy treated bob like shit) but then the story takes a turn. this guy was different. just a friend. bob kind of loses the story and just starts talking about their friendship. mentions that one day he went out and never came back. bob always wondered where he went. always assumed that given their mental states and drug use, the worst probably happened.
at some point, bob drifts off to sleep. he's lying on john's shoulder as john taps around on his phone. suddenly, instead of scrolling through social media, he ends up trying to find this guy. unfortunately, bob didn't give enough information and john can't track him down. all he has is a city from eight or nine years ago, a first name, a surname that's probably incorrect, and random details about the guy's past life that may or may not be accurately remembered.
eventually, john gives up and falls asleep with bob. but the next morning, he ends up going down the rabbit hole again. maybe he can't find this guy, but someone else could. he starts looking into private investigators and comes across jessica jones. according to her reviews, she's a bit unconventional and not the most personable but she gets the job done and that's what john is after. and honestly, he's not the most personable either so who is he to judge?
they meet up. jessica laments his lack of information and the fact that it might not even be accurate. john is pretty sure she's going to reject him but she takes on the case. maybe because he's offering a stupid amount of money. maybe because it's clear how badly he wants to help his boyfriend. either way, it turns out jessica is good. she manages to track down people who knew the guy. unfortunately, she ends up on dead end after dead end of people saying things like "i thought he died" and "i haven't heard from him in a decade."
john starts to think it's a lost cause. it crushes him that this might end with him delivering the closure that bob's friend is no longer alive. then one day, jessica has the good news. she found bob's friend. alive, shockingly. and for some reason i want to say bob's friend has transitioned. idk. something about shameful gay/repressed trans solidarity. (i'm imagining they never came out to each other bcs bob didn't want his friend to know the abusive nature of his sexual encounters and his friend didn't know what bob would think/just didn't know yet). she works in a library in florida. she's clean. jessica gives john her contact info and john flies her up to new york.
she's seen bob in the news so she knows she'll recognize him. but he hasn't seen her in years and not since she's transitioned so she thinks he won't recognize her. but he does. immediately. he gives her a big teary hug and all he says is "i'm so glad you're alive." they spend the whole afternoon catching up. it turns out she disappeared the same way bob did on multiple occasions--jail followed by commitment followed by rehab. but that time she decided to make it stick. it took years of hard work but she turned her whole life around.
at the end of it, bob gives john the biggest hug in the world. he thinks he's the luckiest person in the world. john doesn't know what to say. he's just glad bob is happy.
alternate ending to the “Bob stops John from talking” fic where he’s already come mostly down from his manic episode by the time he realizes what’s going on so he can’t release John from the no talking curse until he hits mania again. Bob is even more distraught but he tells the team (they’re horrified but understanding) and John makes it clear they don’t want to trigger a manic episode on his account, and once they make it clear that he can scream nonverbally (so he’s not in danger) it’s just a matter of finding fluffy workarounds. Including but not limited to lots of texting, leaving notes around the building, and of course Bob asking John lots and lots of questions. (Maybe the team learns a lot about John’s methods of nonverbal communication? I just hope something about this becomes a positive learning experience.)
I don’t want things to be bad for John for too long so maybe Bob has his next manic episode sooner than expected naturally, or maybe he forgets a dose of his meds and it triggers a high, and as soon as he notices the symptoms he’s like All Righty Then, Here’s Your Mouth Back Pretty Boy
[re: this ficlet] YES ok first sorry this literally took me a month to answer i'm drowning in asks and doing a poor job catching up. anyway. love this. this is what i imagine would have happened if this were a full several thousand words fic. first make it even angstier
bob realizes what happened. he's horrified. all he wants is for john to be able to talk again but no matter what he does he literally can't fix it. he can't control his powers, he can't figure out what he did or how to reverse it. i'm imagining him borderline sobbing at john's side and eventually john just pulls him into a hug trying wordlessly to tell him that it's okay, it's not his fault, he knows bob is really trying to fix it.
it takes bob a while to calm down enough to be able to explain to the others what he did. the team talks about it and together conclude that bob probably needs to be back in a manic episode to use that level of power, especially since he's now on all kinds of mood stabilizers that make his episodes less intense and as a consequence have made his powers less intense. without control over them, he feels like they're either too strong to control or too weak to use at all.
immediately, bob starts suggesting ways to trigger a manic episode. he knows some of the things that do it. travel, sleep deprivation, stress, etc. john pounds his fist to cut it off when bob goes far enough to suggest he relapses because knows stimulants can trigger him the fastest. he writes on a sheet of paper that he does not want bob to do any of that. bob will naturally cycle back to mania and john can survive without speaking until he does.
but, of course, they have to figure out some ways for him to communicate which leads to a surprisingly fun afternoon. they learn that john can still scream and that he can type on his phone extremely quickly. they get him a little whiteboard and sticky notes with a nice pen he can carry with him everywhere for when the texting doesn't work.
and so it begins. they text constantly throughout the day or if they're right beside each other, he'll use the whiteboard. bob likes to doodle on both his whiteboard and sticky notes constantly. he feels incredibly guilty and it makes him feel better to be able to make john smile with little drawings. (except he once drew *ahem* something that yelena saw and did not approve of and was then banned from the marker for a very loose 72 hours.)
bob also asks john a lot of questions. too many questions. so many questions that john actually writes "stop asking questions, you sound like my 4 year old" on a sticky note that he then puts on bob's forehead. funnily enough, one of john's biggest gripes is that he can't rant into his speech to text anymore which is a relief for some people (bucky) who really don't need those longass texts thrice a day.
they do learn a lot about john's nonverbal communication too. he has a lot of hand gestures he learned in the military, some that he has to write down explanations for. they start to recognize the way his posture changes and his eye contact wavers when he's not in the mood for company; how he smiles and nods to nearby seats when he is.
eventually, bob gets a headache. but it's not just a headache, it's burning. he has a stupid amount of motivation that seems to have come from absolutely nowhere and he hasn't been able to sleep in two days. and he knows that's it. bob wakes john up in the middle of the night to tell him he's giving him his voice back.
...and it takes some time. because bob still doesn't know what he did or how to fix it and also john is falling asleep every few minutes. but eventually, bob manages to figure it out and john finally gets his voice back.
