Start Shootin' [Tolerance Pt. Deux]
Something unholy is brewin'
So I suggest you grab your 9 and start shootin';
Something wicked is growin'
So I suggest you stfu and start shootin'
Something evil is lurkin';
If you don't wanna die, then I suggest you start shootin'
What is wicked, unholy, and evil?
Yes, my anger is just like the lil' verse I just made up in my head.
Evil as a motherfucker, and grows constantly at many different rates depending the situation I'm in.
Let us talk about the times I find myself tolerating a very stressful situation and I find myself in a bloodlust of thoughts.
Two easy ones that come firstly to mind. 1] Lets say I'm in a social situation with a bunch of my buddies and buddies of theirs.That being said, naturally, in scenarios like these, one doesn't, for the most part atleast, know everyone in the immediate vicinity. So there are strangers whom are apparently okay or "cool" enough to chill amongst everyone at the shin dig you're at. But essentially, the one cold hard fact is this, you don't know that/those soul(s). Are they kind? Are they douchey? Do they have a generally good etiquette? Or do they generate and distribute bad vibes occasionally? The point of the matter is that one cannot be completely sure if this lil conundrum anyone might find themselves in.
So let me give a perfect example.
One night, We were in my homie Kudi''s house in the back yard smoking a blunt with 3 other well known homies and 2 or 3 people I was acquainted with, but didn't really know. So, Right off the bat, just by being there, I'm already tolerating some stupid bullshit. This being the people I didn't know, because given the neighborhood I was in, they were the type of people that a lot of you 'regular folk' find yourselves avoiding, or atleast trying to avoid, on a daily basis. Yes, they were the ghetto type. Or 'cholos/chukos' as we like to call them in my neck of the woods.
I'm going to digress here a bit....Fun Fact. Generally, the persona I give off is one of a hood background. Gangsta, thug or otherwise. You know how theres that phrase "I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me"? Well, guess what, I couldnt get more real-er than by saying that the lil phrase is pretty factual for me. I went through a lot of phases in my life, but the one that stuck was the one where I began acting and mimicking many thuggish tendencies.I liked it, it fit, it came so naturally to me that I decided to choose that persona to represent who and what I'm really about. But anyway, back to my point.
Anyway, at this lil get together, we're all enjoying the blunt and I'm over here doing my thing, being quiet, minding my own business, tolerating the voices and accents of these damn cholos. Like seriously, sometimes I just want to sit them in an english class put a Dunce cap on them, fuck!. Anyway, so then, as cholos reputations are. They don't care about the rules of society and give off that generic rebel impression. And on that night, there was a perfect example of this abomination. One of our little buddies, named Conner, decides to unleash his so-called wrath upon a lovely lil blood hound and decides to give it a good hard kick on the side of its abdomen. Oh lord, ah soon as that happen, I expected Kudi to deck the fuck out of him [cuz you know, my friend Kudi was one of the realist OG's out there, miss ya bro] but instead he just scolded Conner and told the bloodhound to just leave. The one who surprised me was my friend Ash, he was your text book nice guy too, but it was just who he is. Comes from a very sunny disposition, and it saddened me when I got a glimpse of Ash's rage. It was actually quite fearsome. He took a step at Conner, yelled 'hey wtf!' and clenched his fists. And the facial expression, oh my, it was like looking at myself from a different perspective. And how was I, you ask? Shit...I was already accumulating my anger just by being there and listening to those retards speak. But after I heard the impact of that kick, the cry of that dog, the site of Ash getting angry, and Kudi doing the minimal; basically letting that degenerate get away with it. Well, let's just say I wasn't a happy camper. But what did I do? Absolutely nothing. Why? Well, I do have a ridiculous amount of patience which contributes to my tolerance, so I just tolerated the fact that no one actually did anything to this despicable human being. Combine that, with my severe Inferiority complex and you have yourself and sad sack of shit that is me. or well...WAS me.
2] This one is a little more personal, but I don't mind. This scenario concerns my father. Before I begin, let me just say that dealing with my old man has not been an easy task, and hasn't been easy ever since I could speak back to the guy. That being said, it would be completely idiotic if I tried to pin point just one situation I've found myself in with my father. So here, let me generalize how dealing with my father has been for me all my life.
It usually starts off with somestupid issue he has, either work related, household related like who left an empty cup on his desk. and well, all and any of these stupid situations end up with him giving me some lecture and I'm just there, tolerating all the shit he has to say. Now, if you don't know me, then you're probably thinking that I was a bad rebel kid who talked back to his parents and caused them problems by not being a obedient kid. No no no, you're wrong and fuck you for thinking you know me. Take this for example, remember how i said he'd get pissed for simple things like leaving an empty cup on his desk? well, he'll make an omelet with all the eggs he breaks bitching at me for stupid shit. then when I try to reason with him, all i get is, NO SHUT THE FUCK UP DONT TALK BACK TO ME, YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME? OH SO THAT MEANS IM THE ONES THATS WRONG? YOU LAZY SACK OF SHIT, YOU NEVER DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR LIFE, YOURE A COMPLETE FAILURE AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY OPPORTUNITIES IN LIFE, YOU TAKE YOUR FAMILY FOR GRANTED, IF YOU EVER GET IN ANOTHER ACCIDENT, GOOD LUCK FINDING PEOPLE WHO WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. As you can see, I can go on if I wanted to, but Im sure you get the point. And while Im hearing all of this, the only things that are ticking is this. "Why cant we compromise? I hate that he treats me like such a child. Wow, don't you know that hearing this shit from you actually hurts, like right in the soul. but here, let me reason with you, no? getting angrier? well fuck this, see you in hell pops" and thats the part where i just leave if hes just going on his trip. fuckk all that.
The saddest part of all that, is that there have been times where I find myself trying my hardest to hold myself back. From what? well, basically, from killing my own father. Yes, there have been times where he gives me his back after telling me off, and I have a screwdriver in my hand or there are scissors or something sharp or blunt enough to do damage. And i don't think, or imagine, no, I fucking VISUALIZE what I wish I could do. Yes, I visualize myself killing my father by impaling him in the back of the neck with a flathead screwdriver, then twisting it while trying to break of a disk in his spine. Then push at a down words angle then push the screwdriver up into his cranium and hopefully start jabbing his brain with the tip of the screwdriver, extra points if I get an exit wound out of his eye sockets. HAHAHAHA. Ah, man. Sorry, I'll stop there. [Congrats, you have just taken the first peak into the psychopath that lives in my head] And remember, Im not over here wondering what will happen if I even begin going through the motions. No, i fucking visualize all the carnage in my mind, the blood, the agony, the fucked up menacing look i'd have on my face after such an experience...
Its...its something i have repressed far back into the depths of my mind. but again...thats a story for another day.
And after these two scenarios, where I find myself battling my own demons due to the fact that I'm tolerating far too much. I simply go back to being the tolerating nice guy that I am. Yes, am. Cuz Im still that tolerating nice guy, I simply leveled up to Juice's level. Feels good, but still sucks how much I'm willing to tolerate for the sake of peace. Both physically and mentally.
My tolerance and patience rivals Ghandi. Tell me if im wrong now.
And that's all I have to say about that.
