Quit day 4. They say days 1-3 are the hardest. I have to agree but here I am. Lonely at 2119 and realizing that the only friend I hung out with at this time was a cigarette. It made me feel like I was “doing something”. Gave me a purpose. Counted the hours out. I didn’t crave all day really except a few times I smelled the smell of cigarette smoke on patients. I wanted to tell people but being a smoking nurse struggling to quit is still quite frowned upon. Like, you simply do not belong in the profession. You are the absolute opposite of what a nurse should be. I counsel people all day on the detriments of being a smoking. I know them all by heart; I would think about them as I smoked. I didn’t care. I never wanted to be on this planet forever.... but, yet again dying from emphysema or COPD or lung cancer simply is not my ideal way off this earth.
Now, I am alone and at home. It is all I can think about... I think just one. I am glad that I have no more left nor any lighters left. It is cold. I may have had too much to drink. I am staunchly against drinking and driving. Smoking kills me, driving drunk kills others.
All in all, I think it is sad that my best friend was just me smoking a cigarette. Because really, all I had was simply me, myself, and I. It is a lonely existence.