Angsty Friendly_Recluse

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

One week ago I threw out my pack of cigarettes and lighter. I have been smoke free for 7 days. I have to say the physical symptoms of craving seem to be over but there are many times I find myself thinking, “Its time to go outside.” Then I think, “I don't smoke anymore. Thats a silly thought!’ I notice these thoughts a lot more in the evenings when I would smoke to kill lonely time until I was ready to go to bed. Now I just stare at the wall until the mental thought of wanting a cigarette passes over. But I have many frequent mental cues for times I think I should be smoking.

On another note, my ex-boyfriend called. Sigh. This man literally is the bane of my entire existence. He confuses me. I can't make rhyme or reason from half the decisions he makes and I honestly don't think he can make rhyme or reason from them. But here we are 2.5 years later after meeting. I love the man but I cannot justify being with someone who has not changed. I fear the same troubled relationship. He claims he loves me but can't seem to make one logical decision or step in the direction of actually winning me back. And so we have these awkward monthly (or so) phone calls to catch up and remain in contact with each other. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. I think that conversation potentially fueled the amount of cravings I am having now but I am fighting each one, one at a time.

My brand new car got rear-ended on the highway (very low speed of impact) on my way home from clinical. I was ranting and shouting like a cigarette craving lunatic that I have become. One F bomb after another. Then, I don't know how I actually did it, got out of the car and spoke and acted like a civil human being even though I wanted to strangle the man. Poor man, you could see he was afraid to get out of his car due to the angry black woman flailing and screaming in her car with the windows up. I was impressed with myself. 

In fact, each passing day since I quit, I impress myself. And I learn once again how strong and resilient I actually am. 

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

Quit day 4. They say days 1-3 are the hardest. I have to agree but here I am. Lonely at 2119 and realizing that the only friend I hung out with at this time was a cigarette. It made me feel like I was “doing something”. Gave me a purpose. Counted the hours out. I didn’t crave all day really except a few times I smelled the smell of cigarette smoke on patients. I wanted to tell people but being a smoking nurse struggling to quit is still quite frowned upon. Like, you simply do not belong in the profession. You are the absolute opposite of what a nurse should be. I counsel people all day on the detriments of being a smoking. I know them all by heart; I would think about them as I smoked. I didn’t care. I never wanted to be on this planet forever.... but, yet again dying from emphysema or COPD or lung cancer simply is not my ideal way off this earth.

Now, I am alone and at home. It is all I can think about... I think just one. I am glad that I have no more left nor any lighters left. It is cold. I may have had too much to drink. I am staunchly against drinking and driving. Smoking kills me, driving drunk kills others.

All in all, I think it is sad that my best friend was just me smoking a cigarette. Because really, all I had was simply me, myself, and I. It is a lonely existence.

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

Your heart beats, no matter how much pain you're in.

Unknown

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

And that was the moment. The moment I recognized, we aren't friends anymore.  We are just two people who talk sometimes. Nothing more, nothing less.

Unknown

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

Sometimes fear does not subside and one must choose to do it afraid

Elisabeth Elliot

[friendlyrecluse-blog1]

October 29, 2017.

 Hi, everyone! I am truly the friendly recluse you will ever meet. I have to admit I am not writing this for anyone to actually see but simply because I am alone almost constantly. I have things I feel like I need to say out loud. I need someone to talk to, I guess. I could pick up my phone and call someone but my inner anxiety screams in my head “THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND OR CARE.” And so I simply don't call. I have truly gone MIA on almost all my friends. Here I am in my bed at 1730 lonely. My life is a quiet existence. 

On another note, I am feeling extremely anxious because I quit smoking after 10 years last Friday. I am taking Chantix which helps because it makes me too nauseous to smoke cigarettes in the morning and at night I guess I sleep through my cravings. I had to quit smoking. I am a living irony. The smoking RN and soon-to-be nurse practitioner. I did quit smoking in 2014 and didn’t smoke until around this time in 2015 and then fell back into the habit. I think I smoke because it gives me something to do when I am holed up at home. To nervous to call anyone, too tired and sick to go out and entertain/distract myself, but not ready or willing to just lay here and do nothing all day. 

So anyway, the past three days have really sucked but I am determined to stick it out this time. And never to relapse again. Quitting the second time has been so much harder than when I quit in 2014. I am so hungry. But even food has been letting me down; it doesn’t take like it used to so I get half way and just can't shovel any more of it into my mouth. C’est la vie.