A/N: Thank you for reading! We hope you continue to enjoy! I'm sorry there was no new chapter last week - I was on vacation! x
Warnings: language.
“You like Gwyn?”
I’m laying on the bench, lifting, while Azriel spots me and Rhys stands near my feet, downing half a bottle of water.
“Seems nice enough,” I say, through clenched teeth. “Genuine.”
Azriel grabs the bar and guides it back to its resting place. It’s Rhysand that asks, “How’ve things been at home?”
I sit up, running a hand through my sweaty hair before pulling it back. “Weird. Not bad, but different, I guess. It feels like we’re just tiptoeing around each other all the time.”
“You need to fuck,” Rhys says, and Azriel snorts but Rhys is dead serious as he completely contradicts Gwyn’s earlier words.
Although I understand where Gwyn is coming from, I don’t think Rhys is wrong. Trying not to think of my wife’s naked body, I get a towel to clean off the bench before heading to one of the many treadmills for a run. I figure I’d get a mile in before joining my brothers in the steam room, then it’s home to make dinner for Nesta.
Hopefully we can find something substantial to talk about while we eat. I’m tired of smalltalk, it feels forced and I hate it. Not that it’s bad, it’s just…empty. I miss joking around and not being afraid to say exactly what’s on my mind, but I don’t feel like I can do that now. We’re not there yet.
“Hey, Cass.”
I look up from the treadmill I’ve just stepped onto to find a familiar face. I give her a lazy smile. “Hey.”
I’ve known Justine for a couple months now, since she’s joined the gym. We’re often here at the same time, both on similar schedules. She’s nice enough, although Rhys and Az think that her showing up when I’m here is no coincidence.
Maybe they’re not wrong.
“Haven’t seen you much this week,” she says, leaning against the equipment.
“Been busy.” I shrug. “Why? Miss me?”
She rolls her eyes in that way that girls have always rolled their eyes at me, that tells me they’re not really annoyed by anything I say or do. The only woman that’s ever truly been annoyed by me is the one that I married. Maybe that’s one of the things that drew me to Nesta, the fact that I could get under her skin. The tension it created that led to life altering sex.
“Just starting to think that you’re ignoring me,” she says, sweetly, leaning a little closer on the arm of the treadmill. Yeah, I know that move. Her breasts are suddenly a little more on display for only me to see.
I keep my eyes on hers. Try to, anyway. I mostly succeed. “I would never.”
The smile she gives me is sensual, and it’s all playful fun until she slides a finger up my forearm. I should ask her to stop, but it’s nice to be touched like that. It’s a simple touch, nothing too forward, but behind that touch lies a promise of something more. Rhys is right. I need to fuck. I’m a man, and I’m horny as hell, and my hand has only gotten me so far.
“You almost done here?” Justine asks, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Why don’t we…get some dinner?”
Her hand is on mine. The reality of what’s before me finally hits me. She doesn’t want dinner. I know what she wants. It’s obvious that food is the last thing on her mind. I pull my hand away and step off the treadmill, despite the fact that I never turned it on.
“I can’t,” I say, as politely as I can. “I’m sorry.”
She grabs my arm to stop me so I face her, and there’s hardly any room to breathe between us. “Can’t?”
“I’m married,” I say, as if that explains it all.
She looks down at the hand she was just holding. “I’ve never seen a ring.”
“I don’t wear it when I workout,” I say, simply, “but I can go get it from my bag and you can watch me put it back on, if you want.”
The words come out a little hostile and Justine’s eyes narrow. I blame it on the sexual frustration.
She says, “You’ve been married all this time and flirting with me for months? That’s a dick move, Cass.”
“I haven’t been flirting with you.” I know the words are a lie before they even leave my mouth.
She knows. “Liar,” she croons, and lays a hand against my chest. “I know you want me, Cass, married or not, I don’t care. Come on. Dinner. At my place.”
I take her hand and push it away, back down to her side. “No, thank you. I—”
I don’t get another word out before an obnoxiously loud smack sounds and my cheek starts stinging.
She fucking slaps me.
People around us all turn to stare as Justine says cocky jackass and storms off.
My brothers are nowhere to be found, so they must already be hiding in the steam room, which I’m glad of. Otherwise they would never let me live this not-so-proud moment down.
I send a text to our group chat, letting them know that I’m going to go ahead and go home. In the locker room mirror, there’s a red splotch on my cheek, barely seen beneath my scruff, but I’m hoping it fades quickly.
No, I don’t want to sleep with Justine.
I would never cheat on my wife, I never have, even at our worst.
But it was really fucking nice to be wanted.
By the time I walk into the house, I have been in my own head for far too long. The house is quiet as I walk in, only setting my nerves on edge. Greg is asleep on the couch in a shaft of late afternoon sun. I scratch his head as I walk by, but he doesn’t even stir and I chuckle under my breath.
Spoiled little shit.
As I ascend the stairs, I see the door to Nesta’s office is closed. For a second, I hesitate as I reach the top stair.
Before I left for the gym, we agreed that we’d have dinner and spend the evening together. Her edits would be done before I got home. She’s been better about limiting the amount of time she spends on her computer, whether that’s writing, editing, planning, or responding to her overflowing inbox. I’ve tried to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. It’s been an awkward few days, but we’re trying. It actually feels like we’re making progress, even after our disaster of a date.
Seeing her office door shut feels like a slap in the face and this one hurts a hell of a lot worse than Justine’s physical one.
My jaw is locked and I’m doing my best not to grit my teeth as I walk by, heading for the shower when I hear her voice through the door.
“They didn’t exactly give me the easiest turn around. They wanted rewrites on multiple chapters in days, Eris. I’ve got a lot going on right now and—”
She was cut off as her absolute dickwad of a manager interrupted her.
I have no clue what he says, but I know it must be bad when Nesta says, “I’m. Trying.”
I know that tone.
People fear that tone.
Another few seconds of silence goes by, then she says, “I’ll have it done. Alright?...Yeah. Yeah, no, I know, Eris, for fuck’s sake.” Her chair scoots back, and I take that as my cue to keep walking. Yeah, I want to know what’s going on, but if Nesta opens the door to find me while she’s already pissed, I don’t think she’ll like my prying. If she wants to talk about it, she’ll talk about it.
I take my time in the shower, but by the time I’m down in the kitchen, taking ingredients out of the fridge in my sweatpants, Nesta’s still on the damn phone. I can hear her pacing upstairs.
After cleaning a heap of green beans, I toss them with salt, olive oil, garlic powder, and parmesan before dropping them into a pan to roast alongside my marinated chicken. I’ve just opened a beer when I hear her office door open and she comes downstairs.
I don’t know what to say in greeting, so I raise my brow. She gives me an apologetic look, that quickly turns into her eyes wandering my body. Yeah, I didn’t wear a shirt for a reason. I want to know if my wife still finds me attractive, and it seems she does.
And I get hot when I cook.
Shirts are irrelevant.
“I thought I heard you come in.” Her eyes come back to mine. “Sorry, I know I said I’d be done—”
“Is everything okay?” I ask, saving her the trouble of explaining herself.
“Just, Eris…” She shakes her head. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll just get pissed. How was the gym?”
Well, I got slapped in the face. “Good. I think I went a little too hard, though. A little sore. You sure you don’t want to talk about Eris?”
She sucks her bottom lip between her teeth but shakes her head. “I don’t want to ruin the night with my work issues.”
I set my beer down on the table and walk towards her. She doesn’t move. Even in leggings and an oversized tee, she’s stunning. “Nes, it’s okay to talk to me about your work, especially if that asshole’s being a dick to you.”
I want to hug her but I don’t.
I want to touch her, to kiss her, but I won’t.
Gwyn suggested we start with touches, physical contact, anything as long as it isn’t sex, of course, but Nesta hasn’t indicated she’s ready for that.
Hearing that your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you because she’s terrified to get pregnant and miscarry again is hard to hear. I don’t want to push her into anything she isn’t ready for, even if I’m desperate for her touch.
She swallows, looking at my chest, but I’m not sure she’s actually aware that she’s staring at me. “The publishing company asked for two chapters to be completely re-written for one book and four for another. Meanwhile, I’ve got edits I’m still working on for previous submissions and I just…” Shaking her head, she finally meets my gaze. “The timelines they give me aren’t realistic for one woman.”
I don’t hesitate before I speak, knowing my words could set her off, but needing to voice my thoughts.
Time to see if therapy really has taught us anything.
“To be fair, Nes, you set yourself up with some unrealistic expectations. You’ve released what? Three books already this year? And you’ve got how many in the editing process?”
It wasn’t a dig. It wasn’t meant to point out that it was her own fault. It was the truth.
Something I would have said to her before everything went to shit.
With a sigh, Nesta closes her eyes and drops her forehead to my chest. “I know. That’s what he and I have been fighting about. I told him I can’t keep up with this kind of demand and he told me I did it to myself.”
I'm frozen in place. I heard what she said, but I’m floored by the feel of her skin on mine, by the contact that she initiated. I wrap my arms around her before I can second guess myself and rub a hand up and down her back.
“You have to do what’s best for you,” I say, processing what she said. “If he can’t understand that, if he can’t get the publishing company to understand, then fuck him.”
It’s the shittiest advice I’ve ever given, but honestly? My brain is shorting out, feeling Nesta’s body pressed against mine. She fits so perfectly against me, like she was made just for me.
“Easier said than done,” she murmurs, and looks up at me.
I could easily close the distance between us, could easily lean down and kiss her, and I really fucking want to but I contain myself.
At least until her hand comes up to rest on my chest. I brush a stray strand of hair behind her ear and rub my thumb along her cheek. It feels so good to touch her but I’m nervous, worried that I’ll go too far, that I’ll do something wrong and mess up this progress we’ve seemed to make.
I remember now that we’ve been having a conversation but I can hardly remember what it was about much less how to respond. All I can focus on is her hand against my chest. Her being this close is driving me insane to the point that it’s nearly unbearable. I hope she doesn’t look down, doesn’t come closer, doesn’t feel how much such simple contact is affecting me.
Her eyes never leave mine.
Her lips part.
And I open my mouth to say her name, but then the smoke alarm is going off and I’m spewing every foul word in the English language.
I have no idea how long the food has been in the oven. At this point, I don’t even remember putting it in there.
I turn the oven off, clear the smoke, and reset the smoke alarm while standing on a chair in the kitchen.
And while I do this, Nesta is leaning against the counter, laughing hysterically. I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard her laugh, but hearing it now makes every ounce of anger and embarrassment at ruining dinner disappear.
She’s laughing.
She’s happy.
Even if it’s all while making fun of me, the chef that nearly set the kitchen on fire.
Once her laughter finally dies down, she orders takeout, and we sit on the couch and eat it together, side by side.
I’m still tense as hell when we arrive, but as Cassian and I leave our most recent appointment with her, I actually feel like we might actually be getting back on the right track.
His hand is in mine, which has been a much more common occurrence in the past few days than it had in the last year.
Gwyn knows what she’s talking about, that’s for sure. As a relationship therapist, I would really hope she’s good at what she does, but I didn’t realize just how much I missed Cassian’s touch, the feel of his rough hands on my skin.
Nothing past PG has happened, but every time he tucks a loose strand of my hair behind my ear or takes my hand in his, my stomach does a little flip and I feel like a teenager with a crush.
Except this isn’t just a silly crush.
He’s the love of my life. I knew it, even in my darkest hour, even when we rarely spoke, even when it felt like we did not exist within the same space. I have never doubted that Cassian is the one and only man I am meant to be with, which is somehow even more terrifying than having a simple teenage crush. I wasn’t even this scared when we were engaged, when we were about to be married. Then, I felt like I had nothing to lose, there was no question about it, about us. Now, I feel like I have everything to lose. Even though things are getting better, we aren’t back to being us, and even though I feel like we’ll get there, that we’re on the right track, the fact that we’re not still leaves me scared shitless.
“You’re quiet,” Cassian says, as he pulls us out of the parking lot. “You alright?”
“Yeah,” I say, and it’s an honest response, even though he looks unsure. “Just reflecting.”
He nods, looking both ways before pulling out onto the main street. “I get that.” There’s a beat of silence, then he says, “I think we should go out tonight.”
I look at him, brow raised, instantly thinking about the last time we tried to go out a few weeks ago. “Really?”
He shrugs, fingers dancing on the steering wheel. “Yeah, I’d kind of like to erase the last date we had. Thought we should try again.” Another beat of silence passes. “But, if you’re not ready, that’s fine—”
“I think that sounds nice,” I interrupt, afraid I was giving off the wrong vibes. I’m more surprised that he wanted to try date night again after I messed the last one up so badly, but he gives me a smile that I know is genuine, and slightly full of mischief, which reminds me of the old him, the one that didn’t want to leave me.
I miss him.
And even though I see glimpses of that old Cassian lately, I know he’s still holding back.
“Good,” he says, and we spend the rest of the way home in a comfortable silence.
We agreed we’d leave at six-thirty, which allows me two hours to respond to some emails before I have to start getting ready. While I’m in my office, Cassian’s downstairs going over a few new menu items for the restaurant. Half of my inbox is nasty emails from Eris, which tries to dampen my mood but I won’t let it. If I got pissed and upset everytime Eris told me something I don’t want to hear, I’d never feel a single ounce of joy. I send him one email as a response to all, letting him know that everything is on track and I’ll send him an update at the end of the day tomorrow.
It’s just after five-thirty when a soft knock comes to the office door and Cassian peeks in. He’s shirtless, yet again, and I’m starting to think that he’s coming around shirtless more and more just to watch me ogle, which I do, with no shame. Especially when he’s sweating, looking like he’s just conquered a thousand pushups. “Red or blue?”
I lift a brow. “What?”
He smiles. “Red or blue?”
I snort. “Blue?”
“Seafood or steak?”
I cock my head to the side. “Is this how you're planning our night? Twenty questions?”
His grin widens. My eyes fall to his chest, his abs, back up to his lips, then his eyes as he asks, “Seafood or steak?”
I think about it for a second. “Steak.”
“Inside or outside?”
Thinking about the warm, clear day we’ve had, I say, “Outside.”
“I’m getting in the shower.” With a wink, he’s gone.
I decide I should probably start getting ready too and close my laptop, deciding to ignore all work related bullshit for the rest of the night. Tonight is about me and Cassian, and everything else officially doesn’t exist.
When I enter our bedroom, the bathroom door is cracked and I can see the inside getting steamy from the shower. Gray pants and a navy blue button down are sitting on the bed.
I’m glad I went with blue.
I grab a brush from my nightstand before sitting at my vanity and setting out what makeup I’m going to use. I need to wash my face first, and glance towards the bathroom door that’s slightly ajar. Surely if he left it open, he doesn’t mind if I go in.
Right?
After debating it for far too long, I walk to the bathroom door and softly knock, nudging it open an inch or two more as I do so.
“Yeah?”
“I need to wash my face,” I say, peeking my head in.
The shower door opens just a bit and out pops his arm, my bottle of face wash in his hand.
I take the bottle, doing my best not to look at the expanse of toned skin and dark ink on display, but failing miserably.
Gods, he’s mouthwatering.
Heading straight for the sink, I turn it on and wet my face. As I squeeze a good amount of the product onto my fingers and form a lather, I clear my throat. “So is our game of twenty questions over or will there be more?”
Cassian chuckles and the sound makes my nipples tighten. A husky laugh shouldn’t undo me so easily, but gods, it’s been so long. “There are a few more,” he says, as I scrub. “But I was going to wait until we were on the way to ask.”
After rinsing my face and drying it off with a hand towel, I turn to lean against the bathroom counter. “And if I have one for you?”
The water shuts off and the bathroom becomes unnervingly quiet for a moment as Cassian towels off. The shower door opens and he’s once again wearing nothing but that towel slung low on his hips. The well defined muscles leading down into the towel may as well be an arrow pointing at his cock because it’s all I can focus on.
“Nesta?”
Right, I said I was going to ask him a question.
Clearing my throat, I ask, “Legs or breasts?”
The only sound is the shower head slowly dripping water onto the tile floor. Cassian blinks, likely making sure he heard me right. “What?”
“Legs or breasts,” I repeat, heading for my closet.
“Are we going to KFC on the way home?” He asks, shaking his head.
I can’t help my own laugh as I look at him. “Just pick one, you ass.”
“Breasts.” His eyes are focused on my face, trying his hardest not to let his gaze dip to the aforementioned part of my body.
“Okay,” I smirk, stepping into my closet.
I can still feel him watching me as I disappear into my chaos of clothing, searching for a dress that shows off my best assets. A few come to mind, but there’s one in particular that I’m hoping to dig out for tonight’s occasion. It takes me a minute to find it, and when I take it out of the closet, my face now clean, Cassian’s still standing there in the bathroom, that fucking towel still barely hiding all that’s beneath.
I wonder what he would do if I kissed him. Without warning, if I just grabbed his face and kissed him, I wonder how he would react. It’s ridiculous, being nervous to kiss your own husband, but I am. His eyes dart to the dress that’s hanging on the hanger in my hand. His eyes darken. He knows exactly what dress this is.
“Give me half an hour, and I’ll be ready,” I say, as I go by him, into the bedroom. When I look over my shoulder, his eyes are on my ass.
They snap up to mine and he clears his throat. I try to ignore the fact that I can see something happening beneath that towel of his, even though it causes a longing throughout my body that I haven’t felt in a long, long time. “Sounds good. Yeah, me too.”
I leave him in the bathroom and sit at my vanity, getting to work on my appearance. Cassian’s voice comes from the bathroom. “Twenty questions — clean shave or no?”
I laugh quietly to myself. I like this little game we’re playing. As I dab on my foundation, I say, “Keep the scruff.”
He comes out a few minutes later, his long, wavy hair brushed and dried and loose above his shoulders. He notices me looking and smiles as he takes his clothes off the bed and goes back to the bathroom. I suddenly realize how much I wanted him to drop that towel, right here, right now.
I focus on my eyeshadow.
Once I’m done with my makeup, I brush through my hair and add a few more curls since some had fallen loose before spraying it.
I’m halfway into my dress when the bathroom door opens again, and Cassian is dressed to perfection. He smells phenomenal, like my favorite cologne. When he sees me, he stops.
“Perfect timing,” I say, although I find it hard to find my voice. “Help me zip?”
I turn around and move my hair out of the way. For a moment, he doesn’t come, but then he’s moving toward me, silently.
He finds the zipper that’s just above my waist, and my breath catches as his fingertips brush the bare skin of my lower back. He takes his time, and every time his fingers make contact with my skin, an ache that’s newly been awakened throbs between my thighs.
I never thought zipping up my dress would be erotic. I was wrong.
“Ready?” He asks, hands still lingering on my waist.
Ready to throw you down on the bed and say to hell with our date.
I smile at him in the mirror and shake my head. “Almost.”
He steps back, letting me cross the room to my jewelry box. I retrieve a necklace he gave me for our anniversary a few years back. I don’t wear it often, despite loving it, because of the length of the chain. The diamond pendant fell right between breast and as I fluff my hair out around me, I turn and face my husband.
“Now I’m ready,” I say and I don’t know why I sound so breathless.
Okay, I do. If Cassian’s gaze could set something on fire, my dress would be ashes.
Silently, he holds out his hand. I take it, loving the feel of his rough callouses against my skin. I don’t let myself think about how those hands feel on other parts of my body, despite it having been months since I felt them.
Once downstairs, he swipes his keys and wallet, and then we’re headed to the restaurant.
He takes me to one of the best steakhouses in Velaris and we sit on the roof, where string lights and live music surrounds our candlelit table. The conversation is easy, nothing is forced, and it’s like a breath of fresh air.
We talk about our most memorable dates, once Cassian mentioned that one time we skipped a group date because we saw a new taco stand on the way and ate there instead, just the two of us. We sat on the steps of the art museum, dressed in some of our finest, eating a heap of messy tacos. That had been about eight years ago, and I hadn’t realized just how much time has passed between the two of us.
Nearly ten years of marriage.
A decade since we swore our lives to one another.
And I almost let it all go. Looking at my husband across the table, I don’t know how I could have ever been so foolish, so selfish.
He sees me watching him and smiles, setting his fork down, his plate now cleared. I take a sip of my wine. He refills it once it’s almost empty, until the bottle that the waiter left us is almost gone.
After calling for the check, Cassian looks up at me. “Should we head home or walk around for a bit?”
I set down my empty wine glass. “Is this a part of twenty questions?”
He chuckles. “I haven’t exceeded twenty questions yet?”
I shake my head.
“Then yes,” he says, quietly, the toe of his boot nudging the toe of my stiletto.
“A little walk sounds nice,” I say, afraid that when we get back home we’ll fall back into our polite small talk. Small talk isn’t bad, but this easy conversation we’ve had between us today… I like it.
We walk along the Sidra, the warm, clear day making way for a beautiful night, and I listen as Cassian regales me with tales of a new chef at the restaurant. She’s young and has never had an official kitchen job before, only graduating from culinary school the year before. I glance over at him, with lips pursed. He usually isn’t willing to put his restaurant’s reputation on the line like that. His chefs and sous chefs all have long lists of accomplishments and recognition, upholding the notoriety he’s earned.
We walk on, pausing at an ice cream stand to get to two cones.
“What?”
I look over at him and he’s already watching me as we walk.
I repeat his question. “What?”
He reached out and skims a thumb over my brow. “You’re thinking too hard about something.”
I push him away, rolling my eyes, but he catches my hand and we’re heading back towards the car.
“What’s on your mind, Nes?” He pushes, his thumb rubbing soothing circles into the back of my hand.
For a brief second, I consider lying to him. I could tell him it’s nothing, tell him there really isn’t anything on my mind. But we haven’t gone through four weeks of marriage counseling for nothing.
“I just… This new girl, Emerie,” I start, hoping he doesn’t see my question as a sign of jealousy. “What exactly made you bring her on? She’s pretty green, as far as your assistant chefs go.”
I don’t think there’s any nefarious reasoning behind his hiring her. I just don’t understand his sudden change in pace.
He’s quiet a minute, which only makes my nerves ratchet higher. When he finally speaks, his words are low, almost too soft to hear over the sound of the city around us. “She’s from the same small town as I am. Similar upbringing, no dad, single mom that worked way too much.”
My heart fractured a bit inside my chest.
I stop, tugging on his hand to make him stop, too. I look at him. Really look at him. My husband is a damn good man. I’ve always known it, and I know that he’s proud of his past, although a lot of it is tragic. He loved his mother, before she passed, considering she had raised him on her own and fought tooth and nail for everything they had. It would make sense he would be sympathetic for someone of a very similar life.
When it’s clear I’m not saying anything, because I truly cannot find the words, his brows furrow. Before he can ask me what’s wrong, I lean up on my toes and press my lips to his cheek. He inhales, as if he’s shocked, and I let the kiss linger against his warm, stubbled cheek. Our hands remain clasped together and when I lean back, his eyes are searching mine.
“You’re a good man,” I say, my voice hoarse. “And a good boss.”
He swallows, but he nods as he brushes his thumb over the back of my hand. “Thanks, sweetheart.”
Sweetheart.
I want to yank his mouth down to mine, but this moment is cherished and I don’t want to overstep, don’t want to ruin what we’ve built here. I give him a smile and we resume our walk.
I make a note to stop by the restaurant this week and meet Emerie as we find our way back to the truck. Cassian helps me inside the cab and his hand lingers on mine, even after I’ve sat, before he closes the door and finds his way behind the wheel.
We listen to music on the way home and he makes me laugh when he sings along to some nineties R&B song that definitely should’ve been left in the nineties. He catches me watching him on more than one occasion, and his smile softens every time he does.
When we’ve made it home and witnessed Greg sprawled out next to the fruit bowl on the island, Cassian says, “I had a really good time tonight.”
“Yeah,” I say, setting my clutch on the counter. “It was a good night.”
He nods, and for a moment we just stand in the silence, staring at one another. He’s the one to break it.
“I have to be at the restaurant early tomorrow,” he says, but he’s stepped closer to me. “I should get ready for bed.”
“Right.” I clear my throat, not sure what to say, as I edge around the island, closer to him. “I have to go in early, too.”
Meetings with my manager and the publishing company start tomorrow. I have no idea where the future of my books are with this company, but they have to understand that I can’t keep putting out the same volume of content out. Not if I have any hope of salvaging my marriage.
He sets his keys in the center of the island, which puts him right in front of me. Staring up at him, I watch as his eyes dip down to my lips and his Adam’s apple bobs. “Can I…kiss you?”
I nod, not trusting my voice, holding my breath. He leans in and my eyes fall closed.
After a second, his lips press against mine and I’m lost. It’s been so long since he’s kissed me. I’d forgotten how soft his lips were, how heady his cologne made me feel, the feel of his arm wrapping around my waist and pulling me close.
I melt into him, losing myself in the feel of his kiss, clinging to his shirt with both hands.
It’s over as quickly as it began.
When he pulls back, his hazel eyes are bright and he’s breathing heavily. I want to pull his face back to mine, want to grab him and drag him upstairs with me.
But Gwyn told us to hold off on sex.
Reaching up, I caress his stubbled cheek. “We should get to bed.”
He nods and swallows, not making a move to let me go any more than I’m making a move to let him go. I can tell his self control is on a short leash, just as mine is. So I step back and make my way upstairs.
He’s just behind me.
When we’ve reached our bedroom, Cassian quickly brushes his teeth before getting a pair of sweatpants. I’m watching him on the bed the entire time, suddenly not trusting myself to be too close to him. Before he leaves to go downstairs, he kisses my forehead, quickly. “Night, Nes.”
“Goodnight,” I say, but barely anything is audible as the word leaves my mouth. He leaves, and I feel empty once I’m alone.
After stripping out of my dress and pulling on an old t-shirt, I wash my face and brush my teeth, and bury myself beneath the blankets of our bed. I miss Cassian sleeping next to me. Tonight, more than ever, the bed feels lonely.
My heart is racing and I’m not tired in the slightest, despite the fact that I know I need to go to bed. I need to be well rested to deal with Eris’ shit in the morning.
But I can’t stop thinking about my husband, sleeping on the couch downstairs. I wonder if he wants to come up here, wants to climb into bed with me, wants to hold me until the sun comes up tomorrow morning.
I want his body pressed up against me.
I want to feel his skin on mine.
Fuck, the throbbing between my thighs is unbearable. I don’t want to touch myself, I want to run downstairs and have him touch me, taste me, fuck me until I can’t think straight. I’m not thinking straight now, I’m too horny, too needy.
It’s been too damn long.
But Gwyn is right. Nothing should be rushed. We need to wait until we’re good again, until we’re back to being Nesta and Cassian.
That doesn’t mean that he can’t sleep in his own bed, though.
Sex may be off the table, at least for now, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t share the same bed.
I swing my legs over the side of the bed before I can think better of it. The house is quiet as I make my way to the door and push it open. Everything’s dark, and I try to be as quiet as possible as I make my way down the hall. At the top of the stairs, I stop, making out Cassian’s massive figure on the couch. There’s no way he’s comfortable. Half of him is nearly hanging off of it.
But he’s asleep.
At least, I think he’s asleep. The living room is dark, silent. He’s not moving. I think about walking down the stairs anyway, to brush his hair off his face and ask if he wants to join me, but I can’t seem to convince my feet to move. If he’s already asleep, he’s apparently not having the same internal crisis that I am.
Silently, I turn around and go back to bed, careful not to make any noise, careful not to wake him.
When I’m back beneath the blankets, I slip my hand beneath my panties and rub one out until that throbbing ache between my thighs is no more.
Summary: As they approach ten years of marriage, Cassian asks Nesta for a divorce, forcing Nesta to confront past demons in order for their relationship to heal. With the help of marriage counseling and their four-year-old nephew being the voice of reason, they try to find their way back to one another, even if it's proven to be far more difficult than simply calling it quits.
Warning: this fanfic is rated M for mature. 18+ only.
Chapters will be posted on Mondays, starting on Monday, February 20.
True to my word, I’ve continued to sleep in Feyre and Rhysand’s basement. Now that it’s Monday, I have my bags in the backseat of my truck as I drive to this damn counseling session. As long as this doesn’t completely blow up in my face, I’ll be going back home with Nesta.
I was surprised when she showed up at Feyre and Rhys’s, begging me to come home, to go to marriage counseling. A year ago, even months ago, I would’ve agreed to marriage counseling without any hesitation. But I meant what I’d said. I’m tired, and I’m past trying.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself, but yet I’m here, pulling into the parking lot of some fancy little office on the far end of town.
Nesta’s already here.
I see her car parked right next to the door. She’s still inside, but her car is off, and I find myself wondering if she’s just as nervous and unsure as I am about this whole ordeal.
After cutting the engine, I grab my wallet out of the cup holder and make my way to Nesta’s car. At first, she doesn’t see me, so I knock on her window and make her jump. She greets me with a scowl.
Even when she’s mad, even when I’m pissed at her, she’s gorgeous.
“Come on,” I say, as she throws open her door. “We’re about to be late.”
I turn and walk towards the front door of the office building, knowing she’ll be a step behind me. Sure enough, I hear the clipping of her high heels on the pavement a second later. “I’ve been here since 9:45. You’re the one showing up one minute until ten.”
“You said our appointment was at ten,” I said, opening the door and holding it open for her. “So I’m here at ten.”
She glared at me as she walked into the building, but the waiting room was not a conducive place for the type of conversation we were prone to having recently, so she let it drop.
For now.
She headed right for the young woman at the receptionist’s desk, leaving me at the door, giving me a minute to appreciate her. The sweater she wore was loose and baggy, hiding her full breasts, but it was tucked into a pencil skirt that showed off her round ass. It was made of lace, with a shorter skirt beneath, showing off her long, toned legs.It was the kind of obscene balance that Nesta brought to everything in life.
I could barely tear my eyes off her ass, off those legs that hadn’t been wrapped around my waist in far too long, but once I did, I noticed the sweater was an old one of mine.
A knot of emotion caught in my throat that I cleared away before joining my wife.
“Dr. Berdara will be with you shortly, if you’d like to take a seat.”
Nesta gave a curt nod and swiveled to a set of chairs by the window. I quietly followed after a kind smile toward the receptionist.
Nesta and I sat in silence for five awkward minutes before a door opened and our names were called. The therapist was around our age, maybe a year or two younger, which I thought was strange. Surely she had never been married, and if she had, she couldn’t have been married long enough to know all of the answers.
She seemed nice enough though.
Her and Nesta made small talk as they walked ahead of me down the long hallway and into an office overlooking the parking lot.
She gestured to a small leather couch for us to sit on opposite of her desk, which we did before she sat herself and smiled.
“It’s so nice to meet the two of you,” she said, sweetly. “I’m Gwyn.”
Wants us to call her by her first name? Another red flag.
“Not a fan of going by your title, Doc?” I asked, and I admit that my hostility may have been showing a little too much. I can practically feel Nesta’s eyes on me.
“I prefer a more casual approach when I’m first meeting new clients,” she explained. “Start us all out on even ground, rather than anyone above the other.”
Before I could reply, Nesta jumped in. “I think that’s a wonderful way to start out. I’m Nesta.”
The two of them looked at me, waiting. I started drumming my fingers on the arm of the couch. “And I’m Cassian.”
“As I said, it’s wonderful to meet you both.” Gwyn gave us another sparkling smile. “Cassian, why don’t you fill me in on why you two are here today?”
My fingers froze. “Why me?”
“Because Nesta made the appointment,” she said, nodding to my wife. At the same time, she nonchalantly flipped open a notebook and reached for a pen. “So since she took the first step by reaching out, I’d like to hear from you.”
“Pretty sure I took the first step when I told her I wanted a divorce,” I say, crossing my arms over my chest. I can feel her go rigid next to me.
Gwyn jots something down in her notebook, either oblivious to the tension between us or used to the uncomfortable situation thanks to her line of work.
“And what led you to that point?” She pushed, her voice gentle, which only makes me more agitated. “What made you ask her for a divorce?”
Alright. I guess we’re jumping right into this fucking train wreck.
“Nesta stopped caring about our marriage,” I answer, shrugging. “So now I have, too.”
“I didn’t stop caring,” Nesta snaps.
Gwyn gives her a smile. “You’ll have your time to respond, but let’s let Cassian finish.”
Well, shit. Maybe I don’t hate her.
Gwyn turns back to me. “What makes you think that she’s stopped caring?”
“In the last year, we’ve barely spoken to one another. We’ve barely spent any time together. When we do talk, it’s about bills or our schedules or her work, which I think is great, she’s great at what she does, but we don’t need to be constantly talking about deadlines and edits. Every time we’re in the same room together, she gets annoyed and snappy. Every time I ask her for a night off, where we can just be together, she refuses.”
Gwyn nods thoughtfully. “So you feel the root of your issues lies in her work?”
“I think she’s addicted to her work. It’s clear she cares more about it than she does me,” I answer honestly. “She definitely puts more work into her career than she ever has in our marriage.”
Anger is radiating off of Nesta, but she doesn’t say a word.
“I hear you.” Gwyn writes something else down. “How long have the two of you been married?”
“A little over nine years.” Nesta worked on the night of our anniversary, but I don’t bring that up.
“And your issues just began a year ago?” Gwyn asks.
I hesitate. “I guess I don’t really know exactly when our issues started, but about then, yeah.”
“This may seem like an obvious question, but I’d like as much background as you're willing to offer.” She folds her hands over one another on her desk and looks between us. “Did anything happen around the time things changed? Was there a catalyst or an incident that led to what you both see as a deterioration in your marriage?”
Before I can even decide how much I want to divulge, seeing as I met this woman less than five minutes ago, Nesta answers for us both. “No, nothing.”
And then Gwyn is writing again. “No infidelity or skeletons in closets that came to light?”
When I look over at Nesta, I find her eyes already on me, her gaze pleading.
I wanted to be pissed that our marriage counselor was almost accusing me of cheating on my wife, despite knowing she was asking an innocent question. I wanted to be pissed that Nesta had lied to her face, despite being the one who suggested we come here to work on our issues. This was where she’d finally open up about what had happened that night, when our world had gone dark, after pleading with her so long to just talk to me.
But it wouldn’t be today. Nesta wasn’t ready, the panic in her eyes was evident enough.
I turned back to Gwyn just as she looked up from her notebook and lied, just like Nesta had. “No cheating. No skeletons. Nothing happened.”
Gwyn looked back and forth between us, skeptically, but nodded. “Alright. Well, finding a turning point is a crucial part of this process, so let’s start from the beginning. How did the two of you meet?”
“Freshman year of college,” Nesta says, and I don’t care that she’s suddenly taken control of the conversation.
“And you started dating?”
Nesta nods.
“And what was it that drew you to Cassian?”
The question throws me off guard and I hate how much I want to hear the answer.
Nesta clears his throat. “He was…wild. Confident. Sarcastic. And frustrating as hell.”
Gwyn smiled. “And you found that attractive?”
“I found him intriguing,” Nesta said, wistfully. “He could piss me off and make me swoon within a matter of seconds. I’d say that it was his passion that drew me to him, at first.”
“And Cassian?” Gwyn asks. “What drew you to Nesta?”
I stare at my outstretched feet. “She challenged me. Captivated me. I was used to dating…girls with low self esteem who just wanted me to prove that they could have me, but Nesta was smart. Confident, too. I don’t know. I guess that I liked that she was different.”
“Different how?”
It was a much more difficult question to answer than I would have thought. Not because I didn’t have an answer, but because it was hard to put it into words. “She pushed me. She made me dig deeper. There was substance, not just a pretty face, she helped me grow, I guess.”
Nesta sits silently beside me, staring at her hands, and I tried not to notice that her eyes line with tears.
“And when did you get married?” Gwyn asks, still watching me.
“A little over a year later. We married young. Both just turned twenty.”
“And did anyone oppose your marriage? Considering you were both so young.”
“My father,” Nesta answers, quietly, “but we’ve never had a great relationship so I didn’t really care what he thought. He came around afterwards.”
She didn’t mention that he died a few years ago, but I can hear the pain in her voice as I often do when she talks about her dad, although rare.
“Tell me about your wedding day.”
“It was small,” Nesta says, and it nearly sounds like she’s smiling, although her face remains neutral. “Just our closest friends, and my sisters. Our friend Rhys got ordained online and married us on the beach.” Unable to help myself, I chuckle. Rhys was the worst officiant of all time. He was drunk, which did make the awful speech he had concocted a little bit better. “I wore a dress that I found online for thirty dollars and we were barefoot. It was nice.”
She made that thirty dollar dress look a million bucks. I still remember exactly how she looked, with her hair braided like a crown around her head. I remember how I felt. It had been the best day of my life and I couldn’t believe that I was so lucky to marry someone I was so in love with, my best friend.
“You look lost in thought. What are you thinking?”
It takes me a second to realize that she’s talking to me. Nesta is watching me, expectantly. I clear my throat. “It was a good day.”
I’ve somehow said the right thing and the wrong thing, all at the same time. Gwyn gives me a smile and looks poised to jump onto her next question when Nesta speaks. “That’s it?”
I don’t respond immediately and neither does Gwyn, which leads me to believe she’s going to let this one play out, rather than intervene.
Thanks, Doc.
I turn towards her, unsurprised to find her eyes already on me, storm clouds brewing within. “I said it was a good day, Nes.”
“But that’s all you have to say? It was a good day?” She genuinely looks offended and my short fuse is getting incrementally shorter by the minute. “Meeting your brothers for a drink after work is a good day. When you find a twenty on the street, it’s a good day. And all you have to say is that it was a good day?”
My jaw locks and my fingers flex. “What do you want me to say?”
Pure rage flashes across her eyes. “I want you to say something meaningful.”
Something meaningful. Jokes on her. She’s the one that hasn’t said something meaningful in months, years, who can’t recall how to have a meaningful conversation if her life depended on it. I take a deep breath, then another. Those deep breaths are the only thing keeping me stable, keeping me grounded. “Something meaningful?” I repeat.
“Yes,” she snaps.
Gwyn remains quiet.
My lips snap shut and I bristle, eyes planted on a pen sitting on Gwyn’s desk. “This is stupid.”
“It’s not stupid.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Just talk, Cassian!”
My eyes snap to hers, and the second we make eye contact, I’m gone. I can see the emotion, the rage and sadness and hope, and that’s rare for Nesta. Especially lately. Lately, I’ve barely gotten anything from her, but now…she’s listening. She’s waiting. She’s hopeful.
“You want to talk about our wedding day?”
“Yes.” A tear falls down her cheek. She quickly wipes it away.
“The day I married you was the best fucking day of my life,” I say, looking away from her. “I loved you, Nesta. You were so damn beautiful, walking towards me with that overpriced bouquet. I had no doubt that you were the woman I was supposed to marry. All I wanted was you. I didn’t give a fuck when or where I married you. All I cared about was that you were mine. I meant every word I said in our vows. I’ll always love you, always protect you, always be there for you…” I shake my head. “I meant my vows, Nesta. But your vows were shit. Over the last year, you’ve proven that you didn’t mean a damn word you said that day.”
The room is silent, save for the occasional sniffle from my wife. She doesn’t respond and I’m sure as hell done talking for now.
Gwyn lightly taps the end of her pen against her notepad. “Can you tell me what you mean by that, Cassian?”
“I mean she hasn’t stood behind her vows, the promises we made to each other.” My voice is quiet now, all anger sapped from me as Nesta dabs at her eyes with tissue she produced from somewhere. I’m just tired now.
Reading through her notes, Gwyn says, “You’ve told me there’s been no infidelity, so in what way do you feel that Nesta hasn’t upheld her vows?”
“She’s never there.” I hate explaining this. It’s the same shit I’ve explained to my brothers for the past six months and nothing ever changes. “It’s like I don’t exist. All that matters is her books and her deadlines. She doesn’t put any effort into our marriage or even into our relationship.”
Nesta is noticeably silent now. Good.
Gwyn pushes. “Nesta, would you like to respond to that?”
Angrily, she swipes at a tear. “My books are my livelihood.”
“And you were my whole life.”
I don’t realize I’ve spoken the words aloud until both Gwyn and Nesta look at me.
I sigh, rubbing at my temples. Trying to move past the fact that I’m letting feelings I want to suppress out, I say, “Look, I’m proud of Nesta. Okay? She’s a damn good writer, and she’s living her dream. I get that. But since her career has taken off, she’s either working or stressed, and wants nothing to do with me, because I’m just another thing on her plate that’s already overflowing.”
Nesta doesn’t bother saying that I’m wrong.
“So you’re saying that Nesta needs to focus more on you,” Gwyn says.
“I’m saying that as long as she’s too busy working, our marriage is nonexistent.” Gods, I didn’t even want to come and now I can’t shut up. I lock my jaw and stare at my hands.
I feel Nesta looking at me but I don’t care to look back at the moment.
“And how do you feel about what Cassian has said, Nesta?”
My wife is quiet for a moment, then she says, “I don’t know.”
I scoff and Nesta glares at me, but Gwyn is patient. “Do you not know, or are you unsure how to put your emotions into words?”
Nesta shrugs, and I know she’s frustrated but I can’t find it in me to care much. “I guess I didn’t realize I was working so much, at first, but now I’m just used to it. I’m used to waking up and working until I go to bed. Ignoring Cassian was not my intention, I just wanted to be successful.”
“And now it’s a habit?” Gwyn asks.
Nesta nods.
“Would you say that you’re addicted to your work?”
Nesta hesitates. “I guess so. I guess it’s all I think about, yes.”
“Do you still enjoy being an author?” Gwyn asks, and I find myself intrigued by this question. For the first time in a while, I look at Nesta.
She’s staring at her wedding rings. “I don’t know. I love to write, but it definitely feels more like a chore than it ever has before. I don’t like the editing process. And sometimes I’m so stressed that I have writer's block and I go insane trying to write anything worthwhile, only for it to get torn apart during editing. My deadlines are getting closer and closer together and I struggle to meet them, because I’m always so stressed. And I know it affects Cassian. Then I feel guilty, but if I’m being honest, that guilt just makes me more stressed and withdrawn and frustrated and miserable to be around.”
The words rush out of her; her eyes never leave her rings.
“There may be a conversation that needs to be had with your publisher about the amount of work your putting out,” Gwyn muses, never one to give orders, just suggestions. “But as of right now, Nesta, I want you to think about how you used to balance work and your time with Cassian before. We’re nearly out of time today, but I want that to be what you consider until we meet again. Cassian, I want you to think about the amount of work Nesta does and how you can help.” I immediately want to protest that I know little about the written word, not like Nesta does, but she shakes her head. “I don’t mean in a literal sense, but to alleviate her stress. How can you help?”
I nodded. If we were here, I was willing to try.
“I want you two to go on a date before our next session.”
I blink at her, not sure that I’ve heard her right. “A date?”
“Yes,” she replies, closing her notepad and smiling at us both. Nesta’s expression is as confused as mine. “Dinner, maybe a movie or some dancing, the activity doesn’t matter. As long as the two of you spend uninterrupted time together, without work or deadlines, cell phones or emails, that’s our goal.”
Uninterrupted time with my wife.
The idea terrified me.
I hesitate, but it’s Nesta that says, “Okay.”
I don’t know why I’m so shocked by this, by her quick acceptance, considering this was all her idea, but I am. I’ve been trying to spend alone time with her for months, and I’ve gotten shot down every time. As soon as someone else mentions it, she says okay.
I tell myself not to be pissed about it, but I am.
Still, I say, “Okay.”
Nesta —
It’s been three days since Cassian has been back home, and it’s been…okay. Quiet, and there’s still not a lot of interaction between the two of us, but we haven’t been fighting. Although I guess it’s hard to fight when you barely speak.
It hasn’t helped that he’s been working a lot this week. He’s a few men down at his restaurant so he’s picking up the extra slack, as you do when you’re the head chef, until they return.
Still, when he’s gotten home we’ve had a small conversation about our days then we tell each other goodnight before Cassian makes his way down to the couch to sleep.
I hate being in our big ass bed without him, but I don’t mention it, not yet.
Cassian got off earlier today, so we decided to take up Gwyn’s challenge. We’re going on a date. I’m nervous as hell, which is ridiculous, but I can’t help it. I want it to go well but I feel like I have to tiptoe around everything to avoid another screaming match.
I can hear Cassian humming to himself in the shower as I slip into a little black dress, one I haven’t worn in a really long time, and look in the mirror. I’m hot, I can’t deny it. I curled my hair and did a full face of makeup, which I also haven’t done in a while, and honestly? I feel confident looking at my reflection, more confident than I’ve felt in…shit, too long.
After clasping a simple diamond pendant around my neck and closing my jewelry box, my eyes fell on the cracked bathroom door in the mirror behind me, a bit of steam billowing out. The only thing I lacked to be completely ready were my heels, but seeing what occurred last time I walked in on Cassian in the shower, I respected his privacy and waited. I sat down on our bed — the bed I’d been sleeping in alone — and waited.
It was absurd, giving my husband privacy and space after being together for a decade. We were the couple no one shared their secrets with, because what one of us knew, the other did as well. We didn’t do it to gossip.
We just didn’t keep secrets from each other.
I didn’t know at what point that changed, but I knew I was the cause. It all seemed to be my fault lately.
“You ready?”
My head snapped up. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn’t heard the shower shut off or the door open completely.
And my husband stood before me in nothing but a dark blue towel, water dripping off his hair and running down his muscular body.
I watched as one particular droplet trailed down his neck, over his broad chest and well-defined abdomen, before absorbing into the towel wrapped around his hips.
“Nesta?”
Cauldron, boil me, I was ogling my own husband.
Tearing my eyes from his body, I met his gaze. I wasn’t entirely surprised to find heat there, simmering beneath the wall he’d put up between us. It had been a long time since I’d taken a moment to appreciate his body, a body he works hard to maintain, and I know he was as affected by our distance as I was.
Once I’d looked my fill, I cleared my throat, completely forgetting what he’d asked. “What?”
“Are you ready to go?”
I shook my head. “Almost. Just need to grab my shoes.”
He nodded, heading for his dresser, opening the top drawer, where his socks and underwear had always been tossed in with no rhyme or reason. As he began to rifle through it, I hurried into the bathroom, the steam already dissipating, and into my closet. Finding my heels was a matter of a few seconds and I was back into the bedroom before Cassian had even found a matching pair of socks.
“I’ll be downstairs,” I called, the straps of my shoes dangling from my fingers.
I only got two steps down the hall before I heard his voice call out behind me. “Nes?”
I turned, finding him standing in the bathroom doorway, a pair of black boxer briefs clutched in his hands. “Yes?”
“You look beautiful.”
A sudden pang of nausea swept through my stomach, fueled by excitement and longing at his words. I knew I was blushing. “Thank you.”
His smile almost reached his eyes as he disappeared into our bathroom and I hurried downstairs, Greg on my heels.
My beautiful, fat cat hopped onto the couch next to me in the living room as I put on my shoes, trying to control my shaking fingers.
My mind wanders back to my husband in a towel, as well as what lies beneath as I stand, my heels securely fastened. I take one last look at myself in the hallway mirror and take a deep breath as I hear Cassian coming down the stairs.
When he comes into view, I want to run up to him and kiss him deeply, but I stay where I am. He’s wearing black pants and a dark crimson button down, both of which are perfectly fitted to his gloriously sculpted body. The top few buttons are undone, and I can see glimpses of his chest tattoo. But the best part? His hair hangs loose.
“Ready?”
“Yes,” I say, nearly breathless, which makes him arch a brow. I clear my throat. “I’m starving.”
“Me too.” He comes near me, where his wallet and keys sit and snatch them up. He smells delicious, like that cologne I got him last Solstice. Once everything is in his pockets, he holds out his hand.
I blink before realizing what it is he wants.
Cassian is nothing short of a gentleman when it comes to a date.
I slip my hand in his and realize just how long it’s been since we’ve touched.
His fingers curl around mine as pulls me to my feet and we turn to head for the kitchen and the garage beyond. He drops my hand as he locks the door behind us and I’m surprised when he takes it again as we walk to his truck. It’s a short walk, but he’s apparently decided it’s been too long since we touched as well.
After closing me in the passenger side of the truck, he circles around until he’s sitting in the cab with me and starts it up. It roars to life and he backs out of the garage and the driveway.
As soon as he’s on the main road, he reaches over and threads my fingers in his.
I don’t say anything about it and neither does he, both of us silently enjoying the contact we’ve been denied for months.
“I made reservations at Sea and Vine,” he said, once the quiet in the cab was starting to feel less comfortable and more stifling. “I know how much you like their wine selection.”
The soft snort leaves me before I can stop it. “The wine selection, eh?” When I glance over at him, his ears are red. “Nothing to do with their cannolis?”
“Don’t hate on their cannolis,” he mutters, and I catch the hint of a smile.
The rest of the car ride isn’t bad. We make smalltalk, which feels strange and unnatural, but not awful. We make our way to Sea and Vine, and park at a parking meter a few streets over. As soon as we’re out of the truck, he takes my hand again and pulls me close.
The heat radiates off his body, and now that his hair is completely dry, I admire the thick waves. He hasn’t shaved in a week or so, and a steady scruff has captured his cheeks, his chin. I love it when he’s not clean shaven. I think it’s sexy.
Part of me wants to pull him into an alley and have him pin me up against the bricks. I want to revisit that heat we had when we were dating, when we were engaged, when we were newly married. There was a time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, when we would sneak away no matter where we were and fuck each other senseless.
I’m just now realizing how long it’s been since we’ve even been on a date. The whole concept feels foreign, and I’m almost unsure of what to do.
It’s all so ridiculous.
When we make it to the restaurant, we’re ushered to our table and Cassian pulls out my chair. Once he’s seated across from me, we fall back into our small talk. We share about our days, and how things have been going at work. I order my favorite wine and nearly melt in the deliciousness of it. Cassian asks them for a cannoli before we even order dinner.
To my delight, I’m enjoying myself. And, I’m hardly thinking about work, which is rare. I feel like I’m thinking about work every waking moment. It’s a nice change of pace.
“Gwyn seems nice,” Cassian says, once our food is placed in front of us. He has a plate of steak and pasta, while I have shrimp scampi.
“She does,” I agree. “I like her approach. Very casual.”
Cassian nods and pops a bite of steak into his mouth. “I have to admit that I wasn’t so sure about counseling…but, I didn’t mind it.”
“It’s nice, having someone there to play the mediator,” I say, jumping right in. We can tiptoe around our problems or we can face them head on. After months of awkwardness and half-assed conversations, I was ready to get back to who we were. I just had no idea where to start. “Someone to let us finish our thoughts when the other wants to jump in.”
He says nothing, just takes another bite of his exquisite steak and raises an eyebrow, indicating I’m the one who needed the reminder more than he did.
Which, to be fair, was true.
I can’t help but chuckle as I eat, swallowing my food before I speak. “I’m just saying, having an outside party is helpful.”
“I don’t disagree,” he says, twirling his fork in his pasta, not looking at me. “Especially when it comes to shit we don’t want to talk about.”
Immediately, my walls started to go up, not liking where he was leading the conversation. I swallowed harshly, but there was no food in my mouth.
Clearing my throat, I started, “I’m going to make an effort to be home more, Cass—”
“I’m not talking about your work, Nesta,” he pushed.
My jaw clenched and I stared at my plate, still full of food. Cassian’s chewing slowed as he watched me.
“I thought my work was the biggest part of our issues,” I began, slowly.
Cassian continued to eat, apparently able to eat through any sort of tension. “I think it’s a part of our issues. It’s not the only part of our issues, although it’s apparently the only part of our issues that you want to talk about.”
I’m quiet for a moment, pushing around my pasta on my plate. “Can we not? I want to enjoy my night.”
“I’m not trying to ruin our night,” Cassian says, his fork halting. “I’m just saying—”
“Well stop,” I snap, and instantly regret it. My eyes wander back to my plate. “I don’t want to talk about that tonight.”
“You don’t ever want to talk about it,” he mutters, and drops his fork. “It wouldn’t hurt to talk about it, Nesta.”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“We have to.”
“Not now.” The tone of my voice is final, and I see the hurt in his eyes. I know that what happened didn’t only affect me. It affected him, too, and we never had closure. I get that…but I can’t talk about it. I’m not ready. Even after all this time. I’m not ready.
We’re quiet for a moment, and I wonder if anyone at the tables surrounding us have picked up on our awkward choice of dinner conversation.
“I’ve lost my appetite,” I say, at last.
“Yeah.” Cassian’s not looking at me. All of the sudden, the mood has changed and we’re strangers again. “Me too.”
“Call for the check.”
His jaw locks but he gives me a stiff nod. With barely any of his food eaten, he motions for the server to come our way and asks for the check.
I feel guilty.
I also feel angry.
Uncomfortable.
Sad.
We sit in complete silence as our check is retrieved and we’re brought to-go boxes. I dump my shrimp scampi into one, and he pushes his steak into another.
We barely make it out of the restaurant before he says, “I’m sorry.”
“About what?” I ask, as if I don’t know, which seems to make him mad.
“Don’t do that,” he says, stopping under a streetlight to glare at me.
“Don’t do what?” I ask, unable to stop my act, not knowing why.
I can tell he’s frustrated, can tell he’s getting pissed. I notice he’s not reaching for my hand this time.
“Act like you never have any fucking clue what I’m talking about,” he hisses. “I need you to communicate, Nesta. I need you to talk to me, to be open to me, to give me something of substance. I’m tired of these surface, meaningless conversations, and I’m tired of you avoiding everything we have to get out in the open. Therapy only goes so far.”
“Why couldn’t we just have a nice night?” I cry, and I hate myself for getting emotional. “We haven’t had a date in forever. This was supposed to be good for us.” And now we’re fighting on the fucking street.
Cassian just shakes his head and shrugs. “It’s not my fault.”
“Oh, right, it’s mine! It’s always my fault. It’s my fault we drifted apart, it’s my fault that you want a divorce, it’s my fault that we can’t—” the words fade away from me, stuck on my tongue. A tear falls that I wish kept itself hidden.
He stiffens. “Nesta—”
“Go home, Cassian.” I start to walk away, but he quickly follows me.
“Come on. Let’s just go to the truck—”
“I’ll find my own way home,” I snap, trying my best to hurry ahead of him. I don’t look at him. I hardly acknowledge his presence. I need to be alone.
“Nes—”
“Please, Cassian!” I spin around, meeting his eyes. I can’t stop the tears from falling, can’t stop the feeling of utterly falling apart. “Leave me alone! Go home.”
I hate the angst in his eyes, the confusion, the loss. “Where are you going?”
I shake my head, backing up slowly. “I’ll see you at home.”
This time, when I walk away from him, he doesn’t chase after me.
Realistically, I know that nobody but Cassian even knows that I have my nipples pierced, but my subconscious brain is yelling that everyone knows.
My husband, ever the overgrown child, is currently making a sand castle. A huge sand castle at that and he looks like he’s having a blast.
Turning back to the pages of the new romance I’d brought with me, he wasn’t the only one. With my earbuds in, I blocked out the sounds of the people around us and lost myself in the story before me. It wasn’t anything like the stories I wrote, but that didn’t make it bad. I loved reading books in different styles, always allowing my craft to evolve.
I was just getting to a scene where the male main character was on her front porch in the pouring rain, ready to tell the female main character his true feelings— and hopefully get some slow burn smut— when a shadow blocked my book.
Glancing up to look at my husband, I pulled one of my earbuds out. “What’s up?”
“I’m covered in sand and need to rinse off,” he said, holding out a hand that was, indeed, white and sandy. “Let’s get in the water.”
Curling my lip, I settled further back into my lounge chair. “I’m okay. I can’t anyways, remember?”
His eyes flicker to my breasts as he purses his lips as I use my new piercings as my excuse to avoid the cold ocean water. “Just come in up to your waist.”
I place a finger in my book as I cock my head. “Just go in by yourself. I’ll watch you.”
He frowns, and I can’t believe that I find it cute when he pouts. “What if I drown?”
“You’re an excellent swimmer.”
“What if a shark comes at me?”
“Punch it in the nose.”
“What if I drift off with the waves and I lose you?”
I chuckle, shaking my head. “Then I’ll send out the Coast Guard until you’re found.”
His shoulders sag. “I don’t want to go by myself. Please?”
I sigh, and even I will admit that it’s dramatic as fuck. “But it’s cold.”
“It’s not that bad,” he says, having already been in once. He holds out his hand, again. “Please?”
I stare at him for a moment, but he stares back with the same intensity.
“Fine, up to my waist, no more than ten minutes,” I say, and bookmark my page before taking his hand and letting him pull me out of my lounge chair.
If it were just because I didn’t want to get in, I would not be letting him lead me into the water. There is no way in hell that he wouldn’t drag me under, splash me, or do whatever he could to poke at me.
But thanks to his new favorite jewelry I own, I can’t get in the water for another eight hours or so. I’m not risking an infection from any piercing, but sure as hell not on my nipples.
True to his word, the water isn’t as cold as I feared and I even went out a little past my waist, careful to keep my breasts from bobbing into the water. Cassian stayed with me, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me sweetly. This was a public beach, families and couples and kids everywhere, so it wasn’t like we could get hot and heavy anyways. But still, I could feel the heat simmering just below the surface in that kiss.
The memory of Cassian’s mouth on me the night before had all of my nerves lighting up. He hadn’t let me touch him, had said it was about my pleasure not his, and I had come not once, but twice, all without him touching my overly sensitive nipples.
I told him I wanted to do something we’d never done while we were on vacation. We went to bars and restaurants with our family, but we never went out and did anything else.
I wanted to go to a club. I wanted to dance and feel the music pounding through my body and lose myself in the lights. Cassian was not nearly as excited as I was.
Still, when we got back to the beach, we each started getting ready. I packed a little black dress just for this occasion, along with a pair of strappy heels. My hair was curled, free of its usual updo, hanging loosely down my back which was mostly bare, thanks to the dress I had on, which was open-backed and showed off my ass magnificently.
When I walked out of the bathroom, I stilled.
Cassian is sitting on the foot of the bed, watching a soccer game in his underwear. Although he had showered, he hasn’t done much since then, when I took over the bathroom and he went to “get dressed”.
Apparently, getting dressed means getting rid of his towel and pulling on his underwear.
And socks.
“Babe, there’s only fifteen minutes left and Illyria is down by one,” he says, eyes glued to the screen. “Let me watch the rest and I promise to dance with you all night.”
I think that’s fair enough. “Can you at least finish getting ready while you watch?”
Something exciting happens on the screen and Cassian jumps to his feet. “THAT’S RIGHT, MOTHERFUCKERS!”
I suddenly hope our neighbors are currently out of their rooms. Letting him watch his game, I go to his suitcase and pull out a pair of black jeans, along with a black, long sleeve tee that I shake the wrinkles out of.
As he sits back down, he glances over at me, and stills. I’ll never get tired of that, watching him look at me for the first time. His eyes go soft, then fill with lust, and his lips part as he lets out a breath.
He motions for me to turn around, so I give him a little show, turning slowly. When I face him again, it’s clear his eyes were lingering on my ass. “Good?”
“Why do you always have to look so damn good while trying to make me leave this room?” he asks, the game long forgotten. “It’s torture.”
“It’s my specialty,” I say, blowing him a kiss and laying his clothes out on the bed. “We’re not staying if it goes to overtime.”
It didn’t. Illyria scored one more time with forty seconds to spare and the game ended. True to his word, Cassian dressed, brushed his teeth, and we were out the door within five more minutes.
The club, called the Pleasure Barge, was just a few buildings down from our hotel. It had pleasure cruises that left the beach every half an hour, but that was not my focus for the night. After showing our ID’s at the door, our hands were stamped and we were let into the club. The music was loud and I could feel the bass thrumming through my entire body. I turned to Cassian, to see if my excitement was mirrored on his expression.
He couldn’t have looked more miserable if he tried.
“Smile,” I said, pulling on his hand and finding a table along the edge of the dance floor. “Go get us a couple drinks and then we’ll dance.”
He mumbled something I didn’t catch, but headed to the bar regardless. A few minute later, he returned with a vodka cranberry for me and neat whiskey for himself.
I sipped through my straw and watched him. “You could try to have fun, you know?”
“There are far too many people here for me to have fun,” he replied, bringing his glass to his lips and looking around.
“Finish your drink and I’ll make it fun for you,” I promised and his eyes landed on me.
It’s ridiculous how he can look at me and make me feel completely nude. It’s a talent that he’s always had, one that’s always made my heart beat a little faster and my knees shake.
He downs his whiskey in a few gulps, surely hoping to make sure I quickly act on my statement. I try to keep up, hasilty making my vodka cranberry disappear before dragging my husband onto the dance floor.
The music was loud with a heavy bass, and as soon as we were out in the mass of people, his hands were around my waist and my body was sliding up against his.
We haven’t gone clubbing since our early twenties, but I’ve always loved to dance. There’s something freeing about it, once you decide to not give a damn what anyone else thinks.
I throw my hands in the air as I shamelessly rub my ass all over my husband’s groin. My back is pressed against his abdomen, and I can feel his heart beating erratically. It seems that he doesn’t mind dancing with me, after all.
At least, that’s what I can assume from the way he palms my breast.
I swat his hand away as I laugh, turning to face him and sliding my arms around his neck. “We’re in public!”
“There’s at least twenty couples fucking in the bathroom right now!” He yells back. “I think me grabbing your boob is the most innocent thing going on here!”
I laugh again before getting lost in the music. Cassian must really love me, because I lose track of how many songs we dance to before he leans close to my ear and says, “Break? I need a drink!”
I nod so I don’t have to yell over the music and we find an unoccupied table across the dance floor.
“Stay here, I’ll get our drinks,” he says, giving me a chaste kiss and grabbing my ass.
I bite my lips as he goes, watching the way his muscles move beneath his shirt.
I pull my phone from the hidden pocket in my dress, checking my texts.
Elain has texted our group chat with pictures of a soft pink and gray nursery. She’s officially begun nesting, starting to put away the tiny clothes she’d received at her baby shower. This baby wouldn’t be here for another few weeks, yet she already has a larger wardrobe than I do.
I'm beyond happy for my sister and Azriel, just as happy as I was for Feyre and Rhys when they found out they were pregnant with Nyx. But it also felt like a shot to the heart every time I thought about the pregnancies we’d lost. Gwyn had suggested that we tell our families, to open our grief up to those that loved us. I want to and so does Cassian, but neither of us are ready.
Soon, we keep promising ourselves, and we will, but not yet.
I sense someone pause at the table next to me and I lean into him, smiling up at him, before I realize it’s not my husband. Jumping back, I put a hand to my chest. “Oh, my god, I’m so sorry, I thought you were someone else.”
He lifts a brow, and he does it in a way that tells me he’s used to flirting. “No worries. I’m Justin.”
I blink. It’s been a long time since I’ve been single, and Cassian and I got together so young that I almost don’t catch what’s happening here. “Hi, Justin. I’m married.”
He laughs, and I can’t deny that he’s attractive. A few years younger than me, I’m sure, maybe twenty-four or twenty-five. His hair is a chestnut brown and his eyes are blue, and they’re scanning my body from the top of my head to my toes. “I don’t mind that. A lot of married women vacation here. Girls trip, right? I’m known to make a girls trip a little more worth while.”
I can’t help it. I laugh. I laugh until I’m snorting. “I’m sorry,” I say, trying to catch my breath, “I just…does that line typically work on women?”
He flashes me a grin. “You tell me.”
“Oh, Cauldron boil me, no—”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
I stare at him, nearly dumbfounded. “I just told you—”
“You’re incredibly beautiful,” he says. “By far the most beautiful woman in this place.”
I hesitate. “Thank you, but—”
“Would you like to dance?”
This guy just isn’t getting the hint. He takes my hand, but before I can pull it away and tell him hell no, I hear my husband’s voice.
…………
Cassian
………….
I know I have anger issues.
I know my anger comes quickly and takes a while to fade, and I know that sometimes I get pissed over ridiculous shit, but there is nothing ridiculous about this prick taking my wife’s hand.
With both drinks in my hands, I stop behind Nesta and ask, filter long gone, “What the fuck are you doing?”
His stupid, smug grin melts away the instant he sees me. “Hey, man, I was just telling your wife how beautiful she is—”
“You were just leaving,” I say to him, interrupting.
“I’ve got this, Cass,” Nesta says, snatching up her drink as soon as I set it down on the table.
Nesta wasn’t going to dance with him, I know that, I could see the look on her face as I approached, but my fuse is short and I’m about to blow. My higher reasoning is gone and I’m pissed at this asshole who had the gall to touch my wife, at the club for existing, and at Nesta for dragging me here.
“Seemed to be doing real well while I was gone,” I snap, not tearing my eyes from the prick who’s still standing at our table.
“Excuse you?” I can hear the righteous indignation in her voice as she turns in place to glare up at me, the jackass behind us forgotten.
“I’m gonna go,” he mumbles, backing away. “You two have a good night.”
I want to say something, to have the final word, but Nesta beats me to it. “Go fuck yourself, Justin.”
Whirling back on me, her eyes are blazing. “Do you really think I was flirting with that asshole?”
“I don’t know what the hell was happening,” I say, losing the tenuous hold on my anger. “I walk up and he’s holding your hand and asking you to dance. What else did he say?”
“He hit on me and I told him I was married.” She emphasizes the word by holding up her left hand and pointing at her wedding rings. “But he wouldn’t take the hint.”
I know if I say something right now, it’s going to get me in trouble, so instead, I toss back the double shot of Gentleman Jack I ordered, feeling it burn all the way down. “I’m ready to go.”
“I’m not,” she seethes. “I want to dance, I’m having fun.”
I gesture towards the crowd on the dance floor, empty glass still in my hand. “I’m sure if you can find your friend in there, he’d love to dance with you.”
Her mouth snaps shut and she’s seething. “Wow.”
I shake my head. My hands are shaking and I feel like punching a wall, flipping a table. “I’m going back to the hotel.”
“No, you’re not.”
I turn to leave.
I know it’s a dick move. I know I’m being an asshole. But it’s better than causing a scene and I’m right on the edge of doing just that.
It’s taken me months to get to the point of being able to casually reach for Nesta’s hand, to flirt with her again, to be the guy that she needs and then there’s this guy…who comes out of nowhere and has the audacity to touch my wife like she’s not a goddamn masterpiece.
He has no right.
I crash through the doors of the club and into the fresh air, taking a deep breath.
Nesta’s night behind me. “I should’ve known.”
“Known what?” I ask, not stopping. I keep trekking ahead in the direction of our hotel.
I’m seeing red.
I can’t make it stop.
“Known that you would make a mess of this,” she says, heels clacking on the sidewalk behind me. “You didn’t want to go in the first place. I should’ve known.”
Her words hurt me but I can’t stop. I’m too blinded by jealous rage. “Go back inside. I’ll see you later.”
She barks a laugh but there’s no humor in it. “You’re a dick.”
I don’t answer. She’s right and I can’t deny it.
I also keep replaying that asshole taking her hand over and over again in my head. Nesta wouldn’t cheat, I know that. There’s not a single doubt in my head that she’s loyal to me. That doesn’t stop the scenarios from playing out one by one.
He takes her hand and they dance and she has fun with him, instead of her boring husband who would rather be watching a soccer match in the hotel room. She laughs at his jokes and he smiles at her in that douche bag way he did.
It fucking infuriates me.
I spend the entire walk back to the hotel playing out stupid scenarios that would never happen and by the time we make it to the elevator, I want to turn around and go back to the club and break that asshole’s jaw.
Nesta angrily punches the button to call the elevator and in the back of my mind, I know I’m ruining our vacation. I’m overreacting and I need to apologize, but I can’t. She’s my fucking wife and no one other man will put his hands on her.
We don’t talk until we make it to our room, when I push open the door with far too much force and she follows me inside.
“Are you happy?” She snaps, plopping onto the bed and taking off her shoes with shaky hands.
“Fucking ecstatic,” I say, kicking off my own shoes. “Can’t wait for what you have in store for tomorrow.”
Her back straightens as a newfound fury brews in her eyes. “You know, you’ve always been a jealous asshole, Cassian, but you’ve reached a new level tonight. Congratulations.”
“Don’t,” I warn, yanking at my belt, feeling like my clothes are suffocating me.
“Don’t what?” She yells. “Tell you that you’re being a dick when you’re being a dick?! I was having fun, Cass, and you ruined it! We were having fun! And then you started overreacting out of nowhere! All of the trust that we’ve built? Gone! Because you couldn’t even trust me to warn off some prepubescent twat without your help!”
“You don’t get it,” I hiss, and I know my tone is cruel, but I can’t control it.
“Of course.” She laughs, but humor is obsolete. “Of course, I don’t understand.”
“You don’t!” I yell, and she nearly flinches which hurts me more than it hurts her. “I didn’t touch you for almost a year, Nesta! Then this guy shows up out of nowhere and touches you without a second fucking thought!”
She stops then, the tension in her shoulders fading, if only a little. The anger in her eyes turns to concern. Sadness. “Cassi—“
“Do you know how many days I spent wanting to just reach over and take your hand? But I couldn’t.” My anger is dissipating, and now I’m just tired. Now, I just feel foolish for my outburst, but I shake my head. “And this random fucking stranger just…does it.”
She takes a step towards me, but then stops. “You have to trust me to take care of shit like that on my own, Cass—”
“You shouldn’t have to,” I say, crossing the space between us and cradling her face in my hands. “As your husband, it’s my fucking job to take care of you, to protect you, and that includes someone putting their hands on you.”
“Doesn’t give you free reign to be an asshole yourself,” she murmurs, voice softer than it was before. Her eyes are on my lips, heavy lidded, lined with thick dark lashes. Her makeup is smudged just a bit from our time on the dance floor.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe. “I’m sorry I’m an asshole, but seeing him touch you, even just taking your hand, when you’re the most precious thing on the whole, godsdamned planet?” I shake my head, brushing my thumb along her jaw. “I lost it.”
“You’ve always had a short fuse.” Her voice is whisper soft now and at some point, her hand ended up bunched up in the front of my shirt. “It only takes a spark to set you off.”
“And there you were holding a match and some kerosene.”
I’m not sure which one of us moved first, if it was conscious thought from either of us, but her hands were in my hair and her mouth on mine a second later. I had no idea where her phone was and I didn’t care. Nothing would interrupt us tonight.
She gasped as I picked her up, cradling her ass, her legs quickly wrapping around my waist. Then I was laying her down, covering her with my body, refusing to waste another second.
She clings to me, her dress hiked up and I grind into her, already making her moan. She reaches for my shirt and pulls it off, her lips only leaving mine for a second to pull it over my head.
If I felt out of control before, it’s nothing to what I feel now. I’m no longer in control of myself, my being. She has me in the palms of her hands, ready to do whatever the hell she wants. I need it, I need her. It’s been too damn long.
I slip her dress down her body and throw it away. She lays before me in nothing but a little lace thong, and those damn nipple piercings are staring up at me.
My cock is so hard it’s agonizing. Unbearable. I’m fumbling with the button of my jeans, but Nesta rolls me over and pins my arms above my head, kissing me fiercely.
A year of lust and want and need, of longing and heartache and distance, has all been building up to this moment.
Nesta leans back, breathing heavily, her eyes searching mine. “I need you. Now. Don’t be gentle.”
Without a word of warning, I roll us back, grinning down at her. “As you wish.”
I claim her mouth in another savage kiss, tugging on her bottom lip as she works on getting my pants off. For a moment, she seems to be having as hard a time as I was, but then I feel them go loose around my hips and we’re both shoving them down until my cock is free pressing against her thigh.
As I grab the waistband of her thong, Nesta lifts her hips but instead I rip them off her body, the shreds of lace landing on the floor by the bed.
She gasps and leans back to look at me, but anger isn’t lighting her eyes. Arousal is. “Those were expensive.”
“I don’t give a shit,” I say, wrapping an arm around her waist and scooting us both farther up the bed, until her head rests on a pillow. My lips are on her neck, finding the spot where her neck meets her shoulder and sucking.
“Gods, yes,” she groans and I smile against her skin.
One of my hands skims down her body, pausing to tease the swell of her breasts, then the heavy underside, careful to give her nipples a wide berth. I drag it down her toned stomach, pausing as she shivers beneath me. I glance up at her. “Are you okay?”
She nods, eyes burning. “I need you, please, Cass.”
My fingers skim over her sex, making her jump, which brings a smirk to my face, and then I slide them between her folds. She’s already so wet, slick and warm, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready for me. It’s been months since I’ve been inside her, but hurting her is the last thing I want to do.
I slowly slide my middle finger inside of her, watching her face as I do. She gasps, and her back arches, and her legs spread wider for me.
I give a couple of slow, taunting pumps inside of her before adding another finger. She moans quietly, and I can’t help the fact that I’m getting a little more rough.
Which she seems to enjoy.
“Cass,” she breathes, and her hips are writhing, moving in time with my fingers, now slick and glistening as they pump.
She gasps again as she reaches down between us, fisting my cock. I groan as she squeezes, and then my mouth finds hers once more.
Adding a third finger, it’s now more of just a tease. She’s ready for me, undoubtedly, but I can’t seem to stop. I look down between us, watching as the sheets get wet beneath us while her hips sway and grind against my hand. Her breathing is hitched, her chest heaving, the sounds escaping her mouth echoing throughout our room. When her knees begin to shake, as her fingers dig into my back, I know she’s close.
“Come for me,” I breathe.
Her body tenses as she yells out a curse, and I feel her clench around my fingers. I thrust them back in one last time, deeply, loving the way she feels as she comes around me, and circle her clit as she rides out her orgasm.
The grip she has on my cock is nearing the point of painful, but feels so damn good that I almost don’t want to remove it.
Almost.
But I need to be inside her. I need to feel her, everywhere. To become one with her again after so long.
As she comes down from her high, I kiss her neck softly, sucking and licking, and pry her hand free from where she still held me. Stroking my cock, I climb over her, listening as her breathing evens out, before planting my free hand beside her head and meeting her gaze. There’s so much I want to tell her, so much I want to say, but I don’t need to. I see all of it and more reflected back in her eyes.
Lining myself up, I slide between her folds, coating myself in her slick heat and teasing her clit with the head of my cock. She gasps every time and my grin grows.
Her eyes narrow and she grabs my hips while lifting her own, trying to position me at her entrance. I keep just out of reach, teasing her, and watching as she becomes increasingly needy by the second.
“Cassian,” she whines, throwing her head back and I love it. I’ve got her in the palm of my hand, just like she has me in hers.
Leaning down, I drag my teeth along the graceful column of her throat. “What do you want, sweetheart?”
She grabs a handful of my hair, tugging my face up to hers and crashes my lips to hers. We break for only a second, just long enough for her to whisper, “I want you to fuck me.”
And then I’m plunging into her, heeding her request to not be gentle, as I push in to the hilt in one hard thrust. She tears her lips from mine in a moan and I watch as her breasts bounce and those piercings flash in the low lighting.
I wait there, deep inside of her, dwelling in the feeling. After such a long time apart, this feels so right, so perfect. My hands roam her skin and cup her face as I give her one gentle kiss before completely unleashing myself on her.
I pull myself out to the tip and thrust into her once more, gaining the same reaction. I can’t stop watching her. After pulling myself up on my knees, I bring her legs up over my shoulders and grab onto her waist. She doesn’t want me to be gentle, so I won’t be. I know what she likes.
I wait for her eyes to open up, wait for them to connect with me, before pounding into her quickly, aggressively, relentlessly.
She doesn’t give a damn that we’re not in the privacy of our own home, that these walls are paper thin. She moans, screams, curses my name, and it consumes me.
I’ve spent so many nights dreaming of this, reliving the memories of our sex life, but those fantasies didn’t compare to how she sounds, how she feels. I watch her chest heave, her breasts bounce with every thrust of my hips. I watch her eyes roll back, watch how her brows are pinched and her lips remain open. She reaches up to the headboard behind her and lays her palms flat against it, grounding her.
A burning sensation is growing low in my spine and I groan as I grip her waist hard enough to leave bruises. I’m not going to last much longer, I know that. It’s been way too long since I was inside of her, but I need Nesta to come one more time. I can tell she’s on the edge, can tell by the way her hips are starting to quiver and my name is falling from her lips like a prayer. I fucking love it.
I hold her legs to my chest with one arm while my free hand dips to our joined bodies. Swirling my thumb around her clit, I grit out, “Look at me, Nes.”
With great effort, Nesta’s eyes open, locking onto mine. She reaches for me and I let her legs fall apart, settling in each side of my body as I drive into her, my fingers rolling her clit.
Her fingernails bite into my back as she wraps herself around me. “S-so close, Cass.”
I murmur, my lips next to her ear, “Come for me, sweetheart,” and bite down on her neck.
As if she was powerless to defy my words, her orgasm slams into her, making her back arch, pressing her breasts into my chest, as she calls out my name. I fall over the edge right behind her, pumping into her in erratic strokes until I go rigid, eyes rolling in the back of my head, my cock buried deep inside of her.
The room is silent save for our heavy breathing. Falling to the side, I grab Nesta and roll her half on top of me, kissing her until I feel like I’m going to pass out.
When the kiss breaks, Nesta laughs quietly and buries her face into my neck. “Holy shit,” she whispers, “I missed that.”
“Me too.” I brush her hair back and kiss the side of her head. “We’ll have to do it more often so that you don’t start missing it again.”
“We can do it every damn day and I’m still going to want more.” She leans up and looks at me. The love in her eyes is overwhelming.
“Good.” My eyes never leave hers. “Me too.”
When she kisses me this time, it’s gentle, slow. We kiss like that until we finally fall asleep.
A/N: Sorry for the late post! I had it queued for pm instead of am and just noticed. We’re almost to the end of Nesta and Cassian’s journey of growth, but we hope you’ve enjoyed reading this one as much as we’ve enjoyed writing it!
Almost every counseling appointment we’ve gone to, Nesta has been right there by my side. But Gwyn asked us to meet separately this week and that shouldn’t make me as nervous as it does. I know it’s common for therapists to want to talk to each person on their own, but even at the beginning, even when we weren’t speaking, having Nesta there was a balm to me. I was able to open up and talk about my thoughts, my feelings even if I wasn’t sure how I felt about them.
Now, sitting across from Gwyn, I feel like I’m back at square one. Rather than the usual couch, I’m sitting in an armchair identical to the one she’s in.
Her notepad is resting in her lap, but she doesn’t look down at it. She doesn’t even have a pen. “How are you doing this afternoon, Cass?”
“Good,” I say, but nothing more which makes her smile.
“Nervous?” She asks, not unkindly.
I sigh. “Yeah? Which is weird, right? Because we know each other fairly well by now.”
“True, but it’s not weird, it’s actually common,” she assures me. “You’re not used to doing this alone. It’s a big step.”
There was a time when her tone would piss me off, would make me feel like she thinks she’s talking to a child, but not anymore. I know she’s genuine in everything she says.
“I guess so,” I agree, and answer her question honestly. “I am good, though. Yes, nervous, but everything has been going really, really good. Great. Nesta and I are, uh, renewing our vows.”
“Oh?” Gwyn asks and she sounds happy about it, which is a good sign. “When?”
“A month. I actually asked her when we got back from our little vacation, after we left here.” I shrug. Since we’ve been doing so well in our marriage, we haven’t been coming to see Gwyn as much. “It felt like the right thing to do. I asked; she said yes.”
“I’m happy for you,” she says, and I know she means it.
My appointment goes on like that and after a few more minutes I actually start to fully relax. I told her everything, probably oversharing at some points but I can’t help it. I feel like I just fell in love again for the very first time, although this time feels much stronger than that. Nesta and I have a bond that can’t be broken, that can never be shaken again.
After telling Gwyn goodbye, I head to Nyx’s preschool to pick him up. He’s waiting for me with his backpack on and his lunchbox in hand, and the second I pull up to the curb, he’s jumping up and down.
“Hey buddy.” I hop out of the truck and give my nephew a hug while ignoring the wandering eyes of his teacher, as usual. She’s at least seventy, I swear, and I have no clue how she hasn’t retired yet.
“Uncle Cass, we learned about bugs today!”
So begins my rundown of his day, right down to his snacks and the lunch Feyre packed for him that morning.
My phone rings as I’m putting my car in park in the garage. When I see it’s Elain, my brows pull together. I love my sister-in-law, and would do anything for her at any time. But she doesn't usually call me. I answer as I round the truck to get Nyx out of his carseat.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Cass.”
“Is everything okay?”
Her cheery laughter floats through the phone. “Everything is fine. I was seeing if Nesta was with you. I tried her cell but she didn’t answer and I wanted to get a final decision on the flowers for the ceremony.”
I’m a man of many talents. I pride myself on being knowledgeable about many things. Flowers sure as shit isn’t one of them.
Scratching at my beard, I head into the house, Nyx on my heels. “She had a meeting with Eris and the publishers this afternoon, but should be home around five if you can wait that long.”
I hear the telltale sounds of Nyx dropping his backpack. “Hi, Greg!”
“Alright, I’ll try her then. Thanks!”
We say our goodbyes and I toss my phone on the kitchen counter only to realize the kitchen has become far too quiet. When I turn around, Nyx is nowhere to be found.
Just before I can completely panic, Nyx comes back through the door, crying.
I frown. “What happened, buddy?”
“Greg,” he says, a sobbing mess. “Door…open…Greg.”
He can barely get the words out but I get the gist. With a sigh, I pick Nyx up and pat his back. “It’s okay. Greg gets out sometimes, I’ll find him.”
I set Nyx up on the couch with a juice box and a bowl of popcorn while he watches Bluey before finding myself going around the outside of the house, looking in all the bushes.
No Greg.
I call his name and all of my neighbors that don’t know me are probably wondering why I’m going around my house, yelling for a Greg, but I ignore any potential neighbor’s judgment. Every minute that passes that I can’t find him, I get worried. Nesta loves this cat like a child.
And I can’t find him.
When I finally head back inside, Nyx’s head pokes over the top of the couch. He’s still sniffling as he asks, “Did you find him?”
I hesitate for a second because I don’t want him to worry, I don’t want him to start crying again, and I definitely don’t want him telling Nesta about this. So I decide to go with a little white lie. “I did. He was having fun running around and asked to stay outside a little longer. I told him he could play outside until it gets dark.”
Thankfully, that perks him up and blessedly derails his toddler attention span. “Did you know that lightning bugs come out when it’s dark? And then their butts light up?”
For the rest of the afternoon, I’ve got one eye on Nyx and one on the window at the back deck. On multiple occasions, I run outside with the bag of treats and shake it as obnoxiously as I can.
The damn cat never comes back.
As the clock ticks closer and closer to five, I start to panic. How am I going to tell Nesta I let Greg get out? Better yet, how am I going to keep Nyx from saying something?
Before I can come up with a foolproof plan, the garage door opens and my beautiful wife comes strolling in. She gives me a smile and a kiss on the cheek before asking, “How was your appointment with Gwyn?”
“Fine,” I answer, and as soon as it’s out of my mouth I know that I’ve answered way too quickly. Her joyful demeanor falters and I hesitate, which makes her frown.
“What?” she asks, and there’s a bite to her voice which I know means I should tread carefully if I want to try and keep the peace.
“Look,” I say, and take a deep breath. I watch her eyes as they go from angry to concerned to confused. “I…there was...Nyx accidentally…Gre—”
Just as I’m about to say his name, the furry little bastard charges into the room and jumps up on the kitchen island to greet Nesta. My wife momentarily forgets about me and scratches the cat under his chin.
I stare, dumbfounded. “I…what the fuck?”
“Hmm?” Nesta asks, remembering I exist and crossing her arms. “Okay, what did you do?”
“Nothing,” I say, and grab her face, bringing her mouth abruptly to mine. She’s surprised for a second, but melts into me as my lips keep moving.
“Ew!”
We pull apart to look at Nyx, who is standing in the doorway and covering his eyes. When he peeks through his fingers, he gasps. “GREG! I thought we lost you forever! I was soooooooooo scared! Uncle Cass, wasn’t I scared?”
I purse my lips and slowly bring my gaze back to Nesta’s. She’s watching me with narrowed eyes full of hellfire.
“So, we lost Greg,” I confess, quietly. Nyx doesn’t seem to notice the tension as he grabs the cat off the island and carries him into the living room. I open my mouth to give a long, pathetic story about what happened, but Nesta shakes her head and puts her fingers over my mouth.
“I don’t wanna know,” she says, and her eyes soften. “He’s here, he’s safe, do better next time.”
I blink, thinking it’s a trap and not wanting to curse it. “Yeah, okay.” Now I’m suspicious. “You’re taking this too well, it’s scaring me.”
She snorts and runs her hands down my chest and bundles my t-shirt in her hands. “I want tonight to be a good night. We’ve been a little stressed lately, planning this wedding so quickly…” She shrugs. “No more stress.”
I feel like there’s something she’s not telling me. Maybe it’s the fact that we’ve been married for a decade, but I feel like something’s off. “Nesta—”
She looks over my shoulder, into the living room at Nyx and Greg snuggling on the couch, then back to me.
“What?” I ask, and try not to let my worry creep in too far. “What happened? Are you okay? Did Eris piss you off? The fuck did that prick do now—”
“Eris didn’t do anything, for once,” she says, laughing quietly. “Nothing’s wrong. I’ve just…been thinking about something, but I thought we could wait until we’re alone tonight to talk about it.”
I hate that.
I hate when someone says we need to talk, especially my wife, then doesn’t tell me what it is we need to talk about.
“Now I’m going to spend the entire afternoon worrying about whatever it is you have to say,” I say, keeping my voice low.
“It’s nothing bad,” she whispers, and leans up on her toes to kiss me. I grab her ass and squeeze for comfort. “Just something I’ve been thinking about. A lot. Come on, let’s make dinner before Feyre gets here to pick him up.”
And that’s that. I throw together a quick meal of blackened chicken, green beans, and red potatoes, which Nyx devours as if he hasn’t eaten in weeks. More than once, Nesta has to remind him to take smaller bites, but he manages to clean his plate without choking. Nyx regales Nesta with his school day, as well, telling her all about his studies but conveniently forgetting the story he told me about the little girl on the playground who held his hand.
Nesta is in the kitchen, cleaning up after dinner, while Nyx and I are on the couch watching Bluey when I hear the door from the garage open. Nyx, engrossed in whatever shenanigans Bluey and Bingo have gotten into, doesn’t notice the quiet greetings or the hushed whispers and murmuring.
But I do.
It sets me on edge, immediately thinking of whatever Nesta wants to talk about when we’re alone. It sends my brain straight into “overthink” mode and I don’t notice that Nyx has said something until he calls my name a second time.
“What was that, bud?”
“I said that daddy said I could get a puppy just like Bluey.”
“Did he now?” Feyre asks, breezing in from the kitchen.
“Mama!” Nyx is off the couch in a flash and crashing into her legs.
His backpack is already slung over her elbow and she lifts Nyx into her arms, hugging his close. “Hi, bub. Ready to go home?”
“Yes! Me and Uncle Cass lost Greg.” Feyre’s smile falters but Nyx charges on. “Don’t worry, mama, we found him.”
We say our goodbyes and promise to see them soon, and when it’s just me and Nesta alone, I can’t control myself any longer.
“So.”
She chuckles as she sits next to me on the couch and turns off Bluey. “So.”
I wait for her to say something but when she doesn’t go on, I throw my hands in the air. “Damn it, Nesta, please just—”
“I think we should look into adoption.” The words rush out of her, quietly. “I think we should adopt.”
Out of all the things I expected her to say, that wasn’t it. I’m at a loss for words.
It’s not until I notice her eyes start to line with tears that I come back, my mind catching up with me.
“You don’t want—”
“I’m just surprised,” I say, before she can worry. “I mean, adoption is…that’s a lot. That’s big.”
“I’m ready to be a mom, babe,” she says, and a tear falls as her voice breaks. “We’ve been ready for a family for so long and I’m accepting that I’m not ever going to have a baby.” I want to protest, but I can’t. “So I thought we could have a baby, or a child, through adoption.”
I’m quiet for a moment, but Nesta doesn’t push me.
Adoption had never even crossed my mind and I’m a little ashamed of myself for not considering it. Growing up in the foster system, how many years did I dream of someone finally deciding I was worth the trouble, of a family adopting me and giving me the happy home I’d always dreamed of. But Nesta wanted to be a mother and I never thought farther than giving her that dream myself, of our child growing inside of her.
Who’s to say the child we’ve been dreaming of isn’t already out there?
“Do you want to quit trying?” I ask, carefully. “To have our own?”
“Absolutely not,” she scoffs, and I can tell she’s trying not to be emotional. She knows my past more intimately than anyone else on the planet. “You think after finally having sex after months of celibacy, I’ll be able to go back?”
I swallow and huff a laugh but stay quiet for a minute, allowing my thoughts to catch up with me. My thoughts that are all over the place.
“Okay,” I say, quietly, and her tears spill over. I wipe them away, carefully. “After the wedding…we can start the process, if it’s what you truly want.”
“It is,” she says, and there is no doubt. “But is it what you want?”
“A family with you is all I have ever wanted,” I say, and it is wholly the truth.
I can’t help my own consuming emotion as she kisses me. Every day I don’t know how my marriage can get better, how I can love this woman more, but then I do. I didn’t know this love, this excitement for the future could still be so strong, so evident after ten years.
I’m so ridiculously in love with this woman that I can’t believe it. I show her as much as I lay her down on the couch and take my sweet time with every beautiful, magnificent inch of her body.
We will have our family soon enough, one way or another, and I can’t wait.
Sera Marigold Draeven is the most beautiful baby I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
I’m ninety-five percent positive I thought the same thing when Nyx was born, but it can’t be helped. I’ve got the world’s cutest niece and nephew.
It’s been a week since Sera was born and I’ve been wrapped around her finger since the moment Elain laid her in my arms. She’s awake, for once, and her eyes, hazel, just like her daddy’s, are wide open and gazing up at me.
“Was I ever that little?”
The question comes from my left, where Nyx is peering over the arm of the couch, still not quite sure what to think about his new cousin.
“You were even smaller than Sera, bub,” Rhys answers from the kitchen. Nyx drags his gaze from the baby to his dad. “You were born prematurely.”
His little dark eyebrows knit together. “What does prematchery mean?”
“It means,” Feyre jumps in, rolling her eyes at her husband, “that you were so excited to be with us that you came out of mommy’s tummy early.”
“Oh,” he says, nodding and dragging the word out. He looks back at Sera. “So she didn’t want to come out of Aunt Elain’s tummy?”
“No, she most certainly did not,” Elain replies from her seat in the recliner.
I chuckle as Nyx’s brows raise.
“She’s stubborn just like her mom and aunts,” Cassian chimes in.
I shoot him a look as Elain rolls her eyes, but I can’t help but look at him fondly. He’s watching Sera with such love and adoration that my eyes line with tears. His eyes meet mine and his smile softens even more.
“Can we take her home with us?” Nyx asks, curiously, genuinely.
“No,” Feyre laughs, “but we’re going to see her all the time. Don’t you worry.”
Rhysand tosses an arm around Cassian’s shoulders and leads him into the kitchen. I take that as a sure sign that my brother-in-law is getting hangry and wants Cassian to put the steaks on the grill as soon as possible.
Azriel stays. It seems he can’t get enough of his baby girl.
I look back down at my niece just as she gives me the biggest of yawns. It’s ridiculously adorable.
I stopped trying not to allow myself to get jealous. After meeting with Gwyn this week, we talked about how jealousy is a natural reaction and trying to reject that jealousy will only bring anxiety and depression. Sure, there is an obsessive amount of jealousy that’s important to stay away from, but the kind of longing and want and emptiness that I feel… Turns out, that’s normal.
And although there’s nothing I can do about that feeling, I must say that my niece is absolute perfection. The second I look down into her beautiful round face, all I feel is love and protection.
I’ve been talking to Feyre a lot in the last week, since I told her about our past, and she’s been an amazing listener and support. She recommended that I tell Elain, which I did, and just like Feyre, there was no judgment or condemnation, only love. Their reactions had only made me wish I had said something sooner.
Even Azriel pulled me aside and held me for a long while, crying alongside me, just like I know he had done for Cassian. Azriel may be the quietest of us all, but he loves and feels greater than us all, too.
Half of me wants to go help Cassian with dinner, but the other half of me - the half of me that refuses to give up my niece - is the one that wins.
Rhysand comes back into the room, only to whisper something in Nyx’s ear before the toddler runs toward the kitchen, giggling. I give my brother-in-law a curious look, but he only plops down next to Feyre on the couch and bites her earlobe. They’re so cute it’s sickening, but that’s nothing new.
I hear the screen door open and close, knowing that means Cassian has taken the steaks out to the grill, and settle in to get more snuggles…
Until I smell something.
Sniffing twice, I look up and catch Elain’s eye. “I think she has something for you.”
Chuckling softly, Elain begins to extract herself from her seat, but Azriel presses a kiss to her forehead. “I’ll get her. You relax.”
“She probably needs to feed.” She presses a hand to her chest and adds with a wince, “Badly.”
Feyre chuckles knowingly and once again, I’m hit with a surge of jealousy that I’m unable to stop. Hearing my sisters talk about all aspects of their pregnancies, both good and bad, only makes me yearn for it more. Even things like engorged breasts, late night feedings, and diaper changes don’t seem so bad when I look down at the precious angel in my arms.
One day, I promise myself. It’ll happen for us one day.
Azriel scoops Sera from my arms, promising to bring her back down to feed after she’s changed. Rhys, despite the fact that Cass only took the steaks outside minutes before, goes outside to check on dinner, mumbling something about how starving he is, and to make sure Nyx is behaving. We know Cass is watching him, but you can never be too careful with a toddler and a hot grill.
When it’s just us, Elain sighs, pressing a hand to her tender breasts. “It’s only been two hours and my body is screaming at me to feed her.”
“I’ll be honest, having my supply dry up when Nyx was a few months old was frustrating, but relieving,” Feyre said, tucking her legs beneath her as she drapes an arm over the back of the couch. “I wish I could have fed him for longer, but he did fine on formula, and my boobs were screaming for a break.”
That jealousy rears its ugly head again and I do my best to ignore it as they discuss the merits of breastfeeding vs formula, unable to add to the conversation. Instead, I think about how far Cassian and I have come, how happy we are, and how relieved that I can talk about these things with my sisters once again. I hadn’t realized I zoned out until Feyre says my name.
“Sorry, what?” I ask, blinking out of a memory from our vacation. She and Elain are looking at me like they know exactly what was on my mind.
“How are yours feeling?” Elain asks, color blooming on her cheeks. Feyre is trying not to laugh as she glances down to my chest.
I feel myself blush. I’d told my sisters about my new piercings when we returned and they both didn’t believe me until I’d proved it—through a shirt, of course. “Great now. Wonderful actually.”
Elain’s cheeks turn even brighter as she shakes her head. “I can’t believe you did that. I walked in on Azriel the other day while he was on the phone with Cass. He is, uh, very vocal about his love for your new jewelry.”
Unable to contain her laughter any further, Feyre cackles. “I, too, have walked in on a similar conversation.” Her eyes soften, even though her grin remains. “It sounds like you two are doing really well, Nes.”
The softest joy forms in my core. “We are. Really, really well. I feel like we’re in the honeymoon stage all over again, and I know that we’re going to keep having our fair share of trials, but…” I shrug. “I feel like our relationship is stronger than it’s been in years. Since we got married.”
My sisters share a look before they look back to me.
“We’re happy for you,” Elain says, and maybe it’s the new-mom hormones, but she’s crying.
Which makes Azriel frown as he walks back down the stairs with a freshly-changed newborn. “What’s wrong? I was bringing her right back.”
She waves him off as she takes their daughter and he leans down to give her a sweet, chaste kiss before heading out on the patio with Cass, Rhys and Nyx.
Elain was just putting a milk-drunk Sera in her swing when Rhys, Az, and Nyx came in, the former carrying an aluminum foil covered platter. He grumbles, “The chef says we have to let these rest for at least twelve minutes before eating them.”
“You’ll live, you big, Illyrian baby,” Feyre says, rolling her eyes.
“Starving,” he mutters, heading into the kitchen.
Az chuckles and follows him, while Nyx hurries over to Feyre, motioning for her to lean down so he could whisper something to her. He shoots me a look as he murmurs in her ear and then shot off again, back into the kitchen.
Feyre was shaking her head as I ask, “What was that about?”
“Nothing, he’s just silly.” She smiles, but I couldn’t miss the mischief in her eyes.
I narrow my own, but realize someone was missing. Turning towards the kitchen, I holler, “Where’s Cass?”
A pause in the conversation and beat of silence follow. It was Azriel that answers. “Cleaning the grill.”
Bullshit. The man turns the heat up and lets it char the inside for an extra twenty minutes after he’s done, leaving nothing ash to scoop out. After a decade, you learn things about a person. I get up and head for the patio, wondering what he’s up to.
“Aunt Nesta, have I shown you my new Lightning McQueen?”
I turn and find Nyx right behind me, a bright red car in hand.
“Wow,” I say, trying my best to act like the tiny, red car is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. “That’s awesome, buddy.”
“Wanna see him drive?”
Well, I can’t say no to that. “Of course.”
I expect us to do a quick trial run of the toy car, but we end up sitting on the hardwood, attempting to have Lightning McQueen outrun every other toy car that Nyx brought with him.
Which is a ton.
Thinking it surely must be twelve minutes by now, I call for my sisters, but neither one of them answer. It’s Azriel that comes around the corner, cradling Sera in his arms.
“The table is set.” It’s all he says before he turns on his heels and disappears.
Before I can get to my feet, Nyx is running off, heading for the kitchen, leaving me in the dust.
Cassian has suddenly reappeared, along with Rhys and Az, and the table is indeed set, but now my sisters are nowhere to be seen.
“Elain wanted to show Feyre the vegetable garden,” Azriel offers as I look around.
Looking between them all, I ask, “Right before we eat?”
“I made a salad.” Cassian is busy cutting Nyx’s steak before plating it. “They were checking to see if anything was ripe enough to go in.”
“Oh.” My suspicions settle, but I still feel like something is off. When my sisters come back in though, everything seems normal. Elain deemed two tomatoes ready, but she’d rather save them for salsa one night this week, so Cassian continues as he planned and a few minutes later, everyone was devouring the delicious meal.
I can’t help but look around the table, that unsettled feeling remaining in the pit of my stomach. Cassian meets my eye and smiles from across the table, but he almost seems anxious.
Which makes me anxious.
“Not hungry?”
I blink, realizing I’d just been pushing my vegetables around. The sound of Cassian’s voice hardly breaks me out of it.
“I just…” I hesitate, not wanting to offend anyone, knowing this food is delicious. I clear my throat. “It’s hot. I have a sore in my mouth…don’t want to agitate it.”
Cassian lifts a brow as he takes a bite of his steak. He hums, pleased with the flavor, with the texture, and I’m amazed that that alone turns me on.
And makes me want to eat the beautiful meal he’s prepared.
And him.
However, we’re in the presence of our siblings and nephew, so I behave myself and start to eat.
Much to my culinary husband’s dismay, I don’t eat steak often and when I do, I sometimes like to add steak sauce. He considers this blasphemy, I consider it enhancing the flavor. Standing from my seat, I ask, “Az, do you have A1 in the fridge?”
“I’ll get it,” Cassian announces, standing and rounding the table, pressing a kiss to the top of my head. At the same time, he not so subtly pushes me back into my chair.
I stare after him, eyes narrowed. “Okay,” I say, quietly as I dab the sides of my mouth. “He’s acting weird.”
“I don’t think he’s acting weird,” Rhysand says, his mouth full. “And I would know. I’ve seen his weird.”
“Remember that one time,” Azriel begins, “when we all went out on a triple date in high school and he was so nervous that he sweat through his shirt and knocked over the water pitcher? That was weird.”
“Or that time, at the football banquet, when he was so nervous that he ate half of everything on the table and spent the time he was meant to be on stage in the bathroom, getting sick,” Rhysand adds.
I blink, trying my best to follow their conversation. “All you two are doing is proving me right.”
They don’t get the chance to respond. Cassian comes back into the room with a bottle of steak sauce and lovingly sets it down next to me.
I swear his hands are shaking.
My eyes remain on his massive frame until it’s plopped in the seat across from me. He picks up his fork and stabs a piece of steak, and when he looks back up at me, he frowns.
“Aren’t you going to use that?”
I hadn’t even realized I’d been gripping the steak sauce, its cap still on. Without another word, I unscrew the top and create a little puddle on my plate. I swear he’s holding his breath as I dip the meat in the sauce and take a bite.
Yes. I’m a true abomination of a chef’s wife.
We continue on eating but the air remains thick. I think I’m making it thick with my own mindless worrying, but I can’t help it. I can’t help but think that there’s something going on that I’m oblivious to, and that doesn’t sit well with me.
Nonetheless, I try not to let my mind wander. I eat, even though I taste nothing and wish to leave the room….or have a drop of alcohol.
Alcohol would be a blessing, something to ease the anxiety flooding every inch of my being.
Time goes slowly but I finish what’s on my plate, and my family that surrounds me finishes theirs with lively conversation.
I stare at my empty plate, wondering why I feel so insecure, so lost. Surely I’m not so fragile that a simple case of anxiety paralyzes me.
Fuck.
Who am I kidding?
Of course, I am.
I put my silverware on top of my plate and fold my napkin, placing it on top of it all like a bow. My eyes meet Elain’s, who is frowning, which makes my rise to my feet.
“Can I take anyone’s plate?” I ask, forcing a smile.
Apparently Azriel was in the middle of talking, because now everyone is looking at me with a frown. I take my plate and everyone who surrounds me, and head towards the kitchen.
“What’s wrong?”
I whirl around and look at my husband, who’s leaning against the threshold. I can’t read the look on his face, which is…odd. I’ve always been good at gauging what he’s feeling, even more so in the past few months. He wears his feelings for all to see. There’s a cross between nerves and something else I can’t name in his eyes, something that sets me even more on edge than before.
I hesitate, and the silence around me has me feeling like the walls are closing in. I notice Nyx shift in his seat uncomfortably and hurry out of the room before I do something even more embarrassing, like have a full on mental breakdown in front of my family.
Even though I think the breakdown has already begun.
I’m in the kitchen when his heavy footsteps sound behind me. I place my plate in the sink with shaky hands, and then his arms are around me, pulling my back against him. He kisses my cheek, then my neck, gently and soothingly.
“I did something to upset you,” he says quietly, as I close my eyes and try my best to take a deep breath. In through my nose, out through my mouth.
“I can’t read you,” I say, “and it’s making me anxious.”
I don’t deny it, don’t tell him that there’s nothing wrong and everything is fine, even though I want to, even though it’s something I once would have done without a second thought. Instead, I let out the truth, let out my emotions.
“You’re acting strange, and I feel like I did something to make you act strange,” I continue, when he says nothing.
When he continues to say nothing, I feel like I’m going to puke. When I spin around, nothing comes out, my anxiety that was turning into anger slowly starts to dissipate as I see the crease between his brows.
“I wasn’t trying to be weird,” he says, taking my hands. “I was just trying to…”
His words fade away, and he seems to be at a loss, which is also weird for Cassian. I shake my head, exasperated, “Cass, what the hell’s going on?”
He sighs, all the breath leaving him. “Look, I wanted to make tonight special, and the last thing I wanted was to get you all worked up, but now I feel like I failed in that area, and I feel bad because you’re fucking stressed, which is the last thing I wanted.”
The words rush out of him and I finally realize that my husband is anxious, too. About what? I don’t know, but I do know that something is on his mind.
Before I can say anything more, he’s pulling me towards the backdoor. “I wasn’t able to finish everything I had planned,” he says. “It’s been kinda hard sneaking out all afternoon without you knowing, but Rhys and Az have been a huge help. Nyx, too, although there were times where he did more harm than good considering, you know, he’s a toddler.” My confusion grows as he chuckles, but when he opens the backdoor and we step onto the porch, I’m suddenly speechless.
Ten years ago, at a family dinner very similar to this, Cassian asked me to marry him. The three of them lived in a shared house off campus at VU and though that house has been long gone for years, it’s like I’ve stepped back in time.
It was never the most romantic place to be, but so many of our early memories were made in that house, in that backyard. In the span of an afternoon, Elain and Azriel’s backyard has been transformed. There are string lights and candles and music playing, with the purple, silver, and black coloring of Velaris University scattered everywhere. Even a few touches from the fraternity Cassian spent a few years in, including, to my chagrin, a keg off the side of the porch. A path of candles line the walkway, leading to where a small wrought iron table and chairs sit in the corner by the fence. Atop that table is a lone red rose.
“Cassian,” I breathe, unable to find the words as I gaze around us.
Taking my hand, he leads me down the porch stairs and towards the table, just like he did all those years ago.
“I kept trying to find ways to top my marriage proposal,” he begins, stopping in front of the table, “and there are probably a million ways that are more romantic than this, but I figured… It worked out so well the first time, so we may as well relive the moment.” A sound comes out of me that falls somewhere between a laugh and a sob, but both are joyful. Cassian grins. “Nesta, I love you. I love you now, and I loved you then. Every moment that I’ve spent by your side has been a blessing and the past year has proven to me that your love isn’t something I’m willing to take for granted. I want you to know unequivocally how deeply, hopelessly in love with you I am. I can think of no better way to do that then to stand before our families and the Cauldron and declare my love for you again.”
He pulls something from his pocket and drops to one knee. A surprised laugh breaks free as I cover my mouth with my right hand. My right hand because my left is in his.
“Marry me again, Nes.”
A simple silver band, inlaid with diamonds is held between his fingers. The twin to my wedding band, save for the tiny, red stones, alternating after every few diamonds. They flash in the lights, looking like fire and catching the eye.
I nod, because I can’t say a word. I nod so hard that I nearly give myself a headache, but it’s all well worth it. He slides the ring onto my finger, and I don’t realize how hard I’m crying until he’s on his feet and his lips are on mine.
I hear cheering from the porch. I haven’t even realized everyone has been watching, but their joy consumes me, making me cry harder.
We’ve come so far.
In a matter of months, we’ve come so far. I can’t believe that we were ever in such a bad spot, that we let our marriage become so awful, but looking at us now…it’s all ancient history. Never again.
Once we got home, I made her an award winning dinner that ended with chocolate cake - made from scratch - and wine that was far too expensive. It had been worth it, though, to watch her eyes flutter shut and the sweetest of moans fall from her mouth. Those moans had led to wandering hands, which led us to now, in bed, with my mouth exploring every inch of her body.
I should be asleep. I have an early day tomorrow. We have a shipment arriving at seven-thirty and I should really put out an advertisement for a couple of new positions that have recently opened up, but sleep is the last thing on my mind. All I can think about is my wife and how perfectly she fits in my arms.
“Cass,” she breathes, and I practically whimper. I feel no shame, though. I am completely under her will, and don’t give a damn. “I need you inside of me.”
I lean back and catch her glazed gaze. We’re drunk on one another without a care in the world, and it feels so right that I can’t believe we had ever lost this feeling.
When I brush my thumb along her bottom lip, she bites down on it and I groan. “Say please.”
She does no such thing. Instead, a fire lights in her eyes and she grins, flipping me onto my back. She opens her mouth to say something, surely something sassy, but my phone begins ringing on the nightstand.
She frowns.
“Ignore it,” I breathe, thrusting my hips up into hers.
But her eyes drift to my phone. “It’s Az.”
“Ignore-”
“It’s Az.”
I know that tone. She’s worried something is wrong with Elain, so I answer. With a sigh, I grab my phone and swipe across the screen, even though my cock is so hard that it’s painful.
“Hello?”
“Elain is in labor. Baby’s coming.” The words are clipped, stressed, but I’m instantly alert. A sudden laugh comes from my brother, and I can’t help but grin as I sit up. Azriel continues, “We’re on our way to the hospital. I’ll call when she’s here, but…” Azriel breaks into a laugh, and my grin widens. “The baby is on her way, Cass.”
My eyes find Nesta’s and, despite my grin, her bottom lip is caught between her teeth, a look of worry on her face. Apparently obsessed with her mouth tonight, I work her lip free and l brush my thumb over it again. She presses a kiss to the pad of my thumb as I ask, “How far apart are her contractions?”
In the background, I hear my sweet sister-in-law say a word that isn’t usually prominent in her vocabulary. Az’s response is still stressed, but I can hear the amusement in his tone. “Still about seven minutes. We’re getting the car loaded up and will be leaving soon. I’ll let you know when we’re settled and how everything is going.”
“That’s awesome, man,” I say, rubbing my free hand up and down the outside of Nesta’s thigh. She hasn’t moved, still straddling me, listening intently to my half of the conversation, though I know she’s figured it out. “I can’t wait to meet her. I’m so happy for you.”
And truthfully, I was. By this time tomorrow, both of my brothers would be fathers. While I longed for what they had, I would never begrudge them their happiness, especially Azriel, who didn’t think he even deserved it before Elain came along.
When Az responded, I could hear it in his voice. “Thanks, man. I’ll text you later. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
I ended the call and set the phone down on the bed next to me. My other hand found it’s place on Nesta’s thigh, my touch no longer trying to seduce, but instead to soothe. Looking up into her gorgeous face, I said, “Elain is in labor.”
She nodded, swallowing roughly. “That’s what I figured.”
“Are you okay?” There was a haunted look in her eyes and I knew where her mind was, where it had immediately gone.
“I’m okay,” she replied, voice soft, and even though I knew she was telling the truth, this wasn’t easy for her. It wasn’t easy for either of us.
All thoughts of claiming her body were gone for the moment, and I slipped my hand around the back of her neck to tug her lips down to mine in a soft kiss. She melted into me and I wrapped my arms around her as she let her head fall into the crook of my neck.
I wasn’t surprised when I felt the gentle splash of tears on my skin a moment later.
The buzz of the alcohol we’d consumed seemed to have worn off in the surprise of the call and my hand smoothed up and down her back.
A moment later, when I couldn’t contain the words any longer, I said, quietly, “Nesta—”
“I feel guilty,” she says, her voice broken, before I could continue.
My fingers, sliding across her back, did not still. “Guilty?”
“I should be happy,” she says, sniffling, “and I am, I really am, for them…but, a very selfish part of me is so…”
“Jealous?” I ask, when she can’t seem to find the word.
She nods, and I feel it in the book of my neck.
“It’s okay to be jealous,” I whisper, because if I speak normally she’d hear my own sadness. “I think jealousy is normal for people like us. We can be happy for them and sad at the same time. Jealous.”
Nesta doesn’t say anything. Instead, she clings to me as she cries. I feel useless, unable to make the situation any better. Her feelings resemble my own, but I know hers is amplified. I was heartbroken when we lost our children, especially the last so far along, but Nesta…she carried them. They were growing inside of her. I know it’s different, and it is a feeling that I cannot match.
“I love you,” I say, because I feel there is nothing more to say.
“I love you, too,” she breathes, and for some reason my heart breaks further.
There’s no getting over this. This is something that will always be with us, something that will always haunt us. We’ve lost so much, and although we have found our way back to one another, there are some things that can never be mended.
“Tell me what you are thinking,” Nesta whispers, her breath warm against my skin, “so that I don’t feel so crazy.”
“You’re not crazy.” I pull her closer on top of me. “You’re grieving. Still. And that’s okay. I am, too. I’m jealous, too. I’m happy. So damn happy. But, of course I think about us, what we’ve lost, what I wish we had.” I run my fingers through her hair. “If we never have kids, I’ll be okay. You and me, we’re more than enough, Nesta, but I do want that, want kids, just like you do. We can be sad and happy together.”
Her eyes meet mine and we stare at one another in a way that we haven’t in a long time. I see the heartbreak in her eyes, but I also see the longing, the yearning, the desperate plea for everything to be okay.
She holds me, and I cling to her, afraid that if I let her go something unimaginable will happen. I’m scared that she will break. I’m scared that I will break. I’m scared that if we part, every ounce of progress we have made will evaporate.
As time passes, neither of us speaks a word. The silence is not awkward, but telling. It’s something that I cannot put into words, something that I cannot fathom. My arms stay around her, keeping her close, as every unfathomable emotion passes between us.
What little daylight that was left fades. Night has come fully and the only light that’s left in our room is the flickering candlelight from Nesta’s nightstand. I’m not sure how long we’ve been laying here, not sure what time Azriel had called, but I know that it’s late and that we should try and get some sleep, but I can’t.
Nesta, however, is drifting. I’m glad. She needs rest. I know her well enough to know that the rush of emotions she’s been flooded with has exhausted her. I rub her back slowly, hoping it’ll soothe her enough to put her to sleep. Still clinging to me, she yawns and closes her eyes. I watch her, my mind in a whirl of chaos. I check my phone, but Azriel hasn’t texted or called anymore. They must be waiting, just like we are. We’re all waiting.
Nesta finally falls asleep and my hand stills on the small of her back. I meant what I said. If it’s only ever the two of us, I’ll be happy. She is enough — she’s more than enough. If it’s only just the two of us growing old, I’ll have everything I ever wanted.
But, I do want kids. I want a little person who is half me, half her, wholly perfect. I want that bond, that unexplainable bond that I’ve heard about. I want that feeling, where you hold your baby for the first time and just…lose it. I want to change diapers and be stressed because the baby won’t stop crying and I want to worry about my child growing up too quickly. I want that pure love that is so rare, so genuine. Nesta and I had been so close, and although the two of us are enough, I fear that we’ll never get that moment. I’m starting to settle with the fact that we’ll never get that moment.
It’s a hard pill to swallow.
I don’t realize that I’ve drifted off myself until I realize that my phone is vibrating on the nightstand. I jerk awake, scaring Nesta in the process.
“Hello?” The word is slurred from sleep as I answer my phone.
“She’s here.” I can tell Azriel has been crying, can tell he’s overjoyed. “She’s here, Cass.”
I can’t help but smile, my heart feeling a little bit lighter. “She’s here?”
“Yeah,” he breathes. “She’s perfect. I know it’s early, I’m sorry.”
I glance at the time. It’s just before six. “Don’t be. I’m glad you called. You tell me when you want us there, and we’re there. We can’t wait to meet her.”
“Anytime,” he says, and I can hear his smile. I am truly happy for him. Azriel, after all he’s been though, deserves the happiness, the joy. “Just call me when you’re here.”
Nesta’s watching me expectantly, eyes lined with tears as the softest of smiles lights up her face.
“Alright, we’ll be there soon,” I say, pulling Nesta closer to me. I add, “With coffee.”
Azriel laughs as he tells me thanks, and we hang up. I look down at my wife.
“Ready to meet our niece?”
She nods, and rolls out of my arms. “Coffee and breakfast on the way?”
“For us, for them…Yes.”
We get up and shower before getting dressed. It’s almost eight by the time we leave the house. The little cafe a mile down the road has the best quick breakfast so I order a couple of omelets and coffees to go before we’re on our way to the hospital.
Nesta’s quiet, but I just let it be. I know where her mind is at and I know that if she wants to talk more about it, she will. I hold her hand, nonetheless, letting my touch say everything my words aren’t.
The hospital is pretty still once we arrive, although Feyre and Rhysand had also just arrived. We find ourselves walking towards each other near the entrance, giving each other hugs, and once a few tears have been shed, we walk inside together.
The elevator ride is short but quiet. Feyre and Rhysand are talking quietly amongst themselves, but when I glance at Nesta, tears are lining her eyes. This position is hard. I know she’s overjoyed, but she’s also mourning. Half of her heart is bursting, but the other half is breaking.
“Nes,” I whisper, but she shakes her head and a smile plasters itself on her face.
Feyre and Rhysand look our way, but I try to ignore them. Their smiles falter; their eyes grow weary.
“Are you okay?” I ask, quietly.
She nods, and her hand brushes along my arm.
The elevator dings when it reaches the fifth floor, and we all exit. I open my mouth the second the doors close behind us, but Feyre takes Nesta by the elbow and pulls her down the hall. I frown after them, watching them fade away.
Rhysand shoves his hands in his pockets as they disappear.
“There’s something you’re not telling us,” he says. When I don’t answer, he continues, “And that’s okay…but if you want to talk about it, we’re here for you.”
I don’t realize how emotional I am until my eyes line with tears. Guilt and sadness flood my core, and it’s not until we’re seated that I tell him everything.
………………..
Nesta
………………..
Feyre has looped her arm through mine, but neither of us has spoken, even though we’re winding our way through the endless halls of the hospital. I hadn’t even realized how emotional I’d become before my sister tore me away from our little group. She says nothing. She’s waiting for me to speak, but I can’t find the words, so we remain silent.
This is all wrong.
This is not the way it’s supposed to be.
I’m happy, but I’m destroyed, and I know that makes no sense but how I’m feeling makes no sense.
“I don’t want to do this today,” I say, quietly, staring at my hands that are opening and closing. “We shouldn’t do this today. I’m sorry, just ignore—”
“I’m not going to ignore anything,” Feyre says, putting her hand in mine to stop my nervous habit. “You’re not okay. What’s going on? I thought you and Cass were doing good.”
“We are.” My voice breaks. “Things between us right now are amazing.”
We’ve stopped walking and Feyre faces me. “Then what is it?”
This is the moment I have both longed for and dreaded, telling my family what happened. For so long, I kept everything bottled up. It’s different letting Cass in, it was even different telling Gwyn, but crossing this line puts our struggles, our heartbreak, out there. And once it’s out, that’s it.
I think about walking away, but just as I’m about to turn, my youngest sister reaches out and brushes my tears away.
“I’m here for you,” she says, simply, and all at once it feels like a dam is breaking inside of me.
“Eleven months, one week, and three days.”
Confusion causes Feyre’s face to pinch just a bit, but she doesn’t say anything as I exhale slowly. “That’s how long it’s been since I lost our daughter."
The breath that leaves Feyre comes out in an almost silent huff. “Nesta—”
“It’s almost been a year and I— I still grieve for her every day. Cassian, too.” I close my eyes, trying to hide from the shame of what the grief had almost caused me to lose.
And so I told Feyre everything.
I told her about the early miscarriages, when we knew we could always keep trying. I told her about the miscarriages when I started to think something was wrong. And I told her about the day we passed twelve weeks, when we truly believed we were in the clear and that we were finally going to be parents. Then I told her about the worst day of our lives, about the depression I fell into and subsequently almost destroyed my marriage.
Not once did Feyre interrupt. Not once did she give me any sign that the pain I was feeling, the hurt I’ve kept from her and Elain was a burden to take on.
When I finished telling my story, Feyre wrapped her arms around me as we both cried.
I’m not sure how long we sat there. Time seemed to stand still, but I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. She apologized for everything she had no control over, and thanked me for sharing my pain with her. I suddenly felt free, and although that guilt and pain lingered as it always would, I felt renewed.
When we finally break apart, I notice that Cassian and Rhysand are standing nearby. They look like the two of us, tearstained but whole, and I know without a doubt that Cassian has also made his confession, has found his peace.
We go through a series of hugs and curses and apologies and relieved laughter, considering where we are and who we are about to meet. This morning is full of sorrow and longing, but it’s also a joyous day. We’re about to meet our niece, the newest member of our little clan, and that is something that cannot go unwanted or ignored.
I dry my tears, and although my heart still feels heavy, it’s a thousand times lighter.
We won’t tell Elain and Azriel. Not today. Probably not for a while, but that’s okay. Our secret has expanded, our pain has been shared, and that in itself is growth.
