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Chapter 11 - Conflicted Love

CW: Homophobia, Religious homophobia, religious trauma, brief NSFW scenes

Nathaniel looked down at the demon below him. Keh-yah’s arms were pinned by his wrists above his head, as the demon panted hard below him. The priest straddled his strong, beautiful waist, admiring the demon’s strong, perfect physique. Keh-yah’s cheeks were flushed, black eyes glinting as Nathaniel grinned.

“Now, to exorcise you demon!”

Keh-yah’s back arched with a lewd gasp, his eyes rolling back as Nathaniel watched him squirm, sweat pouring off his shining body, Nathaniel drinking in every bit of him as the demon moaned so sultr-

The priest awoke with a gasp, cheeks burning red, and panting. He glanced around at his room… dark and empty.

He was alone…

Thank the Lord.

He did notice the tent in the sheets that he stared at in shame. He’d done it again. He’d had that awful sinful dream again, but his stomach sank as he admitted there was a tiny bit of him that liked it.

He supposed he’d better check on the demon. Mark had been too tired the last few days, after getting Keh-yah through the worst of the sepsis. Easing out of bed, Nathaniel put on more clothes and went down to the basement, feet skirting over the creaking floorboards. He slipped into the basement, looking at the demon passed out on the bed.

He was looking better. Since he’d thrown up all that gross rotting goo, he hadn’t woken up, but every day since he been sleeping, he’d speak in his sleep.

They sounded like names…

He sounded broken… grief stricken….

It made Nathaniel feel worse about his own lewd fantasises of Keh-yah. Reducing a grieving creature into a sexual fantasy… a monster to be gained for his own perverse, sinful attraction. It was made all the worse by the fact he was a male demon. Nathaniel had seen him in his entirety, there was no doubt Keh-yah was a man… a demon man… So, not only had Nathaniel developed this attraction to him, but to a demon… And that kind of made him even more attracted.

“What would Momma and Papa think of me?” He asked the unconscious demon. “What does He think of me?” Nathaniel glanced at the sky…

He needed to pray.

Grabbing the big, old fashioned keys off the hook by the main entrance to the rectory, Nathaniel went outside. It was unbecoming of him to enter the Lord’s house of worship in his pyjamas, but to beg for forgiveness, to repent, and ask for help overcoming his terrible fantasies was more important to him than presenting to the Lord in respectable clothes.

“The prostitue washed Jesus’ feet with her hair, I can pray in my pyjamas.” He rationalised to himself, opening the heavy wooden door.

It smelled good in there, the church full of a comforting musty smell. It reminded Nathaniel of his grandmother’s house.

Walking to the pews, he grabbed a Bible, flicking through it looking for inspiration for a prayer.

He thought back to his childhood days…

~~

“Look at this one!” Brayden smiled, pointing at the man on the screen. Arnold Schwartznegger.

“He’s so cool!” Nathaniel smiled, looking at the body builder’s physique. “He looks like a super hero!”

“Just wait, Nate! Look at this guy, he’s called the Undertaker!”

Nathaniel gawked as Brayden typed in the name of the wrestler. The man was a beast… and it made him feel strange. There was a weird longing he’d never felt before… He liked the way the man’s long hair stuck to his big, defined muscles. It made his stomach feel warm…

He pushed the thought away. It felt sinful.

But it was that same feeling he felt when he stared at Brayden’s face. His jawline, even with the acne dotted down it… Something about his face was beautiful— enchanting…

He turned around as Brayden began flexing. “One day I’m gonna be like Arnie! Like all those wrestlers and body builders! I’m gonna be so strong!” Brayden’s arms weren’t anything to laugh at, at least for a 15 year old. But he was a long way from being a body builder.

“And then I’ll wrestle and win all this money so that I can buy a big mansion in LA and live at the beach!”

The boy grabbed Nathaniel, who laughed as they wrestled, something about it exciting him… Exciting them both.

Brayden had Nathaniel pinned. He was sweating, and panting slightly, staring into Nathaniel’s eyes.

“Nate.. Would you… want to come… live with me?”

They drew closer together, without even realising it.

Nathaniel’s heart swelled, and he felt warm all over. Deep down he knew it was wrong, and his soul was screaming for its’ salvation, but his mind, possessed by the devilish choice, too weak to fight against what was right… It lost, as Nathaniel leaned up and into Brayden’s lips.

And the kiss felt so… so good.

They did it again, and again, only jumping apart when they heard Nathaniel’s mother coming up to the door. They were both blushing hard, but scrambled back to the computer trying to look busy.

“What are you two boys doing in here?” She asked suspiciously.

Nathaniel had opened a new tab just in time, hiding the image of the Undertaker. She would chastise him for looking at such ungodly images.

“Nothing Momma. Just messing around.”

“Okay, but make sure you come down for dinner in 20 minutes.” She smiled, waving at them.

Nathaniel felt the guilt of sin weighing down on his shoulders.

Brayden sighed, going to Nathaniel’s bed and collapsing onto it. It made Nathaniel’s stomach twang.

“This is so dumb. I hate this assignment, Mrs. Marlow has it out for us. Plus, I won’t need to learn anything about chemistry when I’m a pro body-builder. None of her chemical bond stuff is gonna help me in the wrestling ring.”

Nathaniel wondered over, lying next to him.

Brayden smelled like mint gum and cheap deodorant. Nathaniel liked it.

“What about you, Nate? What are you gonna do when we move to LA?”

“Uhhh… I guess.. I kinda always wanted to be an artist, like my grandma was.”

“Really? Do you do art?”

Nathaniel nodded, getting off the bed and pulling out his secret book from under it.

He opened it, revealing nude models he’d sketched… All men.

He liked looking at them, and it was fine for art. But he knew why he drew them. His sick, perverse pleasure.

“Woah…” Brayden gasped, looking at the muscular men in body building poses, like Greek statutes.

“You should draw me when I look like that!” He exclaimed, bouncing up and down.

Nathaniel eyed his friend’s body. He’d seen Brayden without a shirt on before and liked it. They went swimming together all the time, had since they were kids. He’d always liked watching him. He didn’t have a six pack or biceps like the models, but Nate didn’t really care. Brayden was… real.

“I mean… I can…” Nathaniel murmured, looking deep into Brayden’s eyes.

Suddenly his door opened.

“Nate- Uhhhh…” The boys jumped apart as Nathaniel’s older brother Dawson peeked into the room.

He looked alarmed, glancing down the hallway. Nathaniel and Brayden jumped apart, and Nathaniel slammed the book shut, throwing it under his bed.

They’d been caught.

But Dawson bit his lip, finishing his sentence. “Dinner’s ready. Brayden’s also been served a plate so…”

Brayden nodded, leaving the room but Dawson grabbed Nathaniel’s wrist as he walked by.

“Natty.”

Nathaniel froze, feeling the guilt of sin wash over him again.

“Be careful.” Dawson warned, his eyes looking scared and concerned. “I won’t say anything, but I can’t save you if you get caught.”

Nathaniel swallowed, nodding. At dinner they said grace, like he’d done every night of his life, thanking God for his food, silently thanking him that Brayden was in his life and begging for his sin to leave his body.

The next few months, Brayden’s muscles grew and Nathaniel became more and more enamoured with him. He talked about LA, and his dreams of being a bodybuilding pro wrestler, and Nathaniel’s heart melted.

He knew it was love. Sinful, awful, lustful, unnatural love.

Every Sunday at church he prayed, every night at dinner, but his love only grew…

16, 17, 18…

And every Sunday, every dinner, Dawson looked at him with that same protective, reassuring look. One that almost convinced him it was not the Devil making him feel this, but God’s beauty and love.

However, soon Dawson got into medical school and left. Senior prom rolled around, it all came to a head.

And blew up…

Brayden was in a dapper suit, looking amazing. Sexy, even. Nathaniel’s mouth went dry and his stomach did summersaults every time he looked at his ass in those snug pants, or his biceps in that fitted shirt.

He was on track to being that bodybuilding pro wrestler of his dreams. LA was in his sights, and Nathaniel was going to follow him there. It wasn’t just Brayden’s dream anymore, it was Nathaniel’s too.

He so desperately wanted his friend to take him into his arms and dance with him, instead of the awkward dance he was doing with their friend Hannah. Nathaniel wanted to replace his own prom date, his other friend Peyton with Brayden.

But the music soon slowed, and Brayden came over, hugging all his friends.

“This is it, guys and gals! We are officially free! Fuck Toronto, LA here I come!” Brayden’s blue eyes met Nathaniel’s own, and he knew what Brayden meant. LA here we come.

Brayden drove them all home. Nathaniel’s parents had given their car to Dawson to drive to university in Montreal, but Nathaniel didn’t mind.

He was a half hour drive from Payton’s house, and that was more than enough time for him and Nathaniel to have time alone together.

“So…” Nathaniel started, blushing. Brayden glanced at him, smiling.

“Soooo?” He replied sarcastically.

“When are you heading to LA?” Nathaniel asked.

“When I make enough money. I’ll be working to earn enough money and get ever bigger. I’m gonna get there…” His voice changed. “And I’ll wait for you. I want you there with me, Nate.”

Brayden gulped, glancing at Nathaniel again.

“Nate, I- I’ve never known how to say this… But since that day we… you know… I just haven’t been able to think of you the same.”

Nathaniel’s stomach sank with dread.

“I- I think I love you, Nathaniel.”

Nathaniel’s jaw dropped, as they drove through the suburbs of Toronto.

“I do too…” He breathed, a weight on his chest he hadn’t realised was even there leaving him as he looked at Brayden.

His friend was clearly blushing as he focused on the road, his grip on the wheel tight.

“I know what your parents are like, but mine know about me already, and if you ever need anywhere to go… You’re always welcome under my roof.”

Nathaniel swallowed, nodding.

The car pulled up to his house, barely illuminated by light.

“Well, uh… See you at the graduation ceremony.” Brayden smiled. Nathaniel gleamed back, and before he knew it, he’d pulled his friend into a passionate kiss.

Brayden gasped against his lips, but crawled over to Nathaniel, placing his big, strong hands on Nathaniel’s waist and kissed him back. Nathaniel’s hands clawed at Brayden’s tie, as Brayden clawed at his, as they moaned and pressed themselves against each other, grinding their hips together.

Nathaniel felt the heat in the car, and a gasp escaped him as Brayden sucked his neck. All the lust and sin in the world hit him at once, and it felt so good… So right.

But he pushed Brayden off him, glancing around.

“Not here. Not now. Please- I just-“

“NATHANIEL!” His mother screamed as the door was ripped open.

Brayden was straddling Nathaniel, both clearly engaged in nefarious activities, and there was no jumping apart this time.

The boys stared at Nathaniel’s parents in shock, as they were ripped from the car. Nathaniel’s father towered over Brayden, screaming at him, something about corrupting his son. Nathaniel screamed back, pushing his father away from his friend, screaming at him to leave him alone.

His mother slapped him, his father towering over him now. His hand clamped down on Nathaniel’s shoulder, dragging him away.

Brayden was left in tears after being told he was possessed by the devil, and told never to come back, never to talk to their son again. And he stood, heart broken and in tears as Nathaniel was dragged into his home.

Nathaniel screamed as he watched Brayden get behind the wheel of the car and drive off, still wiping the tears from his eyes, before he was set upon by his parents and lectured for hours about his sin. His parents dragged him to his room and ripped it apart, his father finding the sketchbook, and being horrified. He dragged Nathaniel to the fireplace, and gave him a lighter.

“Burn it.” He ordered.

And Nathaniel did.

Years of drawings reduced to ash in minutes.

No one noticed the his confiscated phone ringing in the kitchen drawer.

No one noticed the home phone ringing.

Only when there was banging on the door did they stop praying over their son to answer the door.

Peyton stood there, in tears.

“Nate.” She sobbed.

“It’s Bray. He’s been in an accident. He was in a hit and run. No one could reach you to tell you. Nate... Bray’s in a coma.”

Nathaniel’s stomach bottomed out and he felt sick.

Brayden was in a coma.

Brayden was hit by a car.

Brayden might die.

It didn’t feel real.

Then he saw his parent’s faces. They looked almost gleeful.

The next thing Nathaniel knew he was sat in front of his local priest. They prayed for his salvation, Nathaniel not once ever mentioning his friend. Peyton angrily asked him why he never went to the hospital, and Nathaniel couldn’t answer. He hid the bruises on his arms and chest from his father’s beatings, an attempt to scare out the demon possessing him. He couldn’t face her. She eventually got so mad she cut him off.

Hannah and her family were the same. They shunned him at church and when he smiled she only scowled.

Dawson came home when he heard to the news that his brother was a sinful homosexual. He listened with concern, nodding and agreeing. But at the night he came home, he crept into Nathaniel’s room.

“Natty?” He whispered, when he heard the sobs.

Nathaniel looked up. “Go away.”

“Natty. Get up, put on clothes.”

“What?”

“Just do it, idiot.”

Nathaniel sat up in bed, looking at his brother. He’d changed in Montreal. He’d grown his hair longer, instead of then neat shaved sided his mother always cut for him. It was tied back in a bun, a strand hanging down across his face. His body was different, stronger, taller, prouder… Less depressed looking and from under the hem of his shirt sleeve, what looked like a tattoo on his bicep.

Dawson smiled sadly, walking over to Nathaniel and wrapping a big, comforting arm around him.

“Hey. What’s up?”

Nathaniel sniffed, wiping his eyes. “I sinned. I made Brayden sin, and now God is punishing him for my sins.”

Dawson sighed, nodding, only to get up and open the window to Nathaniel’s bedroom.

“Come on, get dressed.”

“What?”

“Just do it.” Dawson hissed, glancing around.

Nathaniel nodded, getting into some proper clothes, instead of just his boxers and an old t-shirt.

Dawson climbed out the window, luckily on the ground floor, and dropped the foot or so to the ground. Helping his brother down, he guided him to the car, and opened the passenger door.

Nathaniel got in guiltily, feeling worse than ever.

Dawson started the car, and began to drive across the city.

“So that’s what they told you? God is punishing Brayden?”

“It’s true. He wouldn’t be in a coma if God wasn’t punishing him for the sin I made him commit.”

Dawson bit back a sigh.

“Maybe God doesn’t fucking care.”

Nathaniel’s eyes bulged as he looked at Dawson. Dawson, his brother who’d always been more religious than him, who never swore...

Who’d gone to church every Sunday and prayed harder than anyone.

Who’d continued to be faithful in Montreal…

“Maybe God made you the way you are for a reason.”

“But I’m choosing to sin. I’m letting the devil control me!” Nathaniel argued.

“Okay, okay.” Dawson agreed with him, looking exasperated.

“But if you ever change your mind...”

Nathaniel was determined to never change his mind. But Dawson? Saying this? His parents had been so proud when he got into med school. How they’d raised him to be a good Christian boy who can spread the Lord’s word to the sick, just like Jesus.

Satan had his grips on his brother too. Dawson was telling him about his own battle of faith.

“Maybe God wants all his disciples to be happy.” Dawson continued. “Maybe you’ll meet someone, and they’ll just make you feel all right inside and when you finally admit that, you’ll never feel freer.”

Tears welled in Dawson’s eyes, as he smiled at his younger brother.

“It’s okay, Natty.”

Nathaniel steeled himself. He knew this was the Devil talking.

But before he could recite the verse he’d been reciting for his entire life, they pulled up at the hospital.

Nathaniel gawked at Dawson as his older brother dragged him out of the car and scanned himself in. How could he do that…?

They walked through the empty halls, Dawson looking serious as Nathaniel followed behind, the smell of the hospital overwhelming him. Dawson nodded at a young nurse, who he seemed to know, who pointed them in a direction.

Nathaniel followed him down more halls until they stopped outside a room…

Brayden’s room.

Dawson guided Nathaniel in, smiling at the man’s distraught parents, who looked unsure.

But Dawson nodded, going to sit by them.

“His right leg was broken in three places… His left is… not looking good. Ribs shattered… Don’t know if he’ll walk again… Brain damage possible… Might not wake up.”

The words floated through the room like a dream as Nathaniel looked at his friend’s swollen and bruised face.

The tears erupted from him, as he broke down, holding his friend’s hand, and pressing his forehead to Brayden’s.

“I’m so sorry…” He whispered, holding his friend’s face.

“I’ll make this right. I promise.”

He felt his heart swell, and he knew it was the Lord calling him.

Giving him his answer.

“I’ll save you. I’m sorry…”

He wanted to say the words.

“I- I lo-l- I…”

He couldn’t make himself. He couldn’t sin one last time.

“Brayden. Wake up soon.” Nathaniel whispered.

Brayden’s parents looked at them and Nathaniel stared back. Then his best friend’s parents pulled him into a hug, crying and sobbing.

“Before they put him under… He was begging to see you…” Brayden’s mother sobbed.

“I’m sorry… This is all my fault…” Nathaniel cried, as Brayden’s father shook his head.

“No, it’s not, Nate. He was hit my a drunk driver… It’s never going to be your fault.”

“Nate, honey. You ever need us you call, okay?” The two parents looked at Nathaniel with a warmth he’d never felt from his own. But their numbers had been deleted off his phone. Brayden’s too…

And the phone was gone.

Dawson nodded at the door, signalling it was time to go. Nathaniel glanced back one last time, at his love.

His heart twinged with love for Brayden… And Nathaniel killed it leaving a cold, empty spot in his heart.

That morning he and Dawson came home to unhappy parents. But Dawson’s smooth, suave talking convinced them he’d taken Nathaniel for a morning coffee run and they’d talked about his sinful ways, his older brother being a good role model for him.

Nathaniel was stunned how naturally the lie slipped off his brother’s tongue… Just like all the times when he was caught up early as a teen… Maybe he'd been lying then too?!

But Nathaniel felt the pull of the Lord, calling him, and so he snuck into his room and began to pray. He begged God to help him, and guide him… and soon he knew how to save his friend.

“Please God. I will dedicate my life to you, and never see or think of him again. Just please, save him.”

After he looked up at the window, the sunlight gleaming in, he felt the call even stringer than ever. He knew.

Getting up, he left his room, walking to his parents and announcing his decision.

“I have had a revelation. The Lord is calling me to serve him.” Nathaniel watched as his parents looked at him with suspicion.

“I am going to become a priest.”

Nathaniel couldn’t help but feel joy when he saw the pride light up his parent’s faces. But his smile fell a little when he saw the shadow cast over Dawson.

He would save him too.

He would save Brayden.

He would save himself and his parents would finally love him.

God would finally love him.

~~ Nathaniel smiled sadly at the memory… He wondered if Brayden was doing better. He hadn’t heard anything from anyone in 4 years…

But Nathaniel’s sacrifice was worth it.

Brayden could be free now.

~~

The young student looked at him.

“Brother Nathaniel?”

“Brother John?” Nathaniel replied, sounding confused as he looked up from his dinner.

“Meet me in the courtyard after the Mass. I want to show you something.”

Nathaniel felt strange, an echo of something long lost inside him that made him feel empty…

But he agreed.

Meeting John in the courtyard after Mass, they talked for a while.

“You know, you’re different to everyone here.” His brother smiled, placing his hand on Nathaniel’s and intertwining his fingers with him.

“You’re like me. I can feel it.” He leaned in.

Nathaniel’s heart fluttered, the hot breath in the cold air made him feel things, but only reminded him how empty he was.

He couldn’t help it though… He leaned in and their lips connected, the young students kissing passionately, pressed into the corner of the courtyard in the shadows.

This was sinful.

Nathaniel shouldn’t be doing this..

“Brother John…” He breathed, as the young student pressed kisses along his jawline. It felt so good. So familiar… And it made the emptiness hurt.

“I can’t!” He hissed, pushing the man off him. “This isn’t natural. Please, John… Don’t do this.”

The light framed John’s face beautifully as it fell. It made Nathaniel’s heart hurt.

“I see.” He spoke softly.

“Well then, we shall speak no more of it.”

The student walked away from Nathaniel, looking dejected.

Nathaniel had spent days thinking about it, craving the sensation along his jawline to return. A perverse part of him wanted to suck hickeys into John’s neck, and hear him moan.

He began dreaming about it…

Fantasising about it…

Pleasuring himself to the thought of it…

Seeing John every day began driving him crazy. Nathaniel couldn’t think, his mind consumed with sinful lust.

Unnatural longing.

He would catch the student’s eye, and they both awkwardly glanced away from each other, until Nathaniel couldn’t take it anymore.

“Brother!” He called out after him after a class.

John turned, looking at Nathaniel questioningly.

“I changed my mind. I- Meet me outside my room, to… revise.” He was hoping his veiled words were making sense.

John looked confused for a moment, before it dawned in his eyes what Nathaniel had meant.

“Alright.” He smiled slightly, nodding. “Tonight.”

Nathaniel’s stomach did a flip, and he spent the rest of the day nervously excited for the night’s endeavours. He paid his room nervously waiting for the knock, and when it finally happened he could’ve exploded. His body tingled with anticipation and excitement.

Opening the door, he saw John, illuminated in the light, like an angel… It took Nathaniel’s breath away for a second, before he glanced around nervously. John slipped in, and Nathaniel shut the door, turning around to see John sitting on his bed.

He just looked so perfect.

“Listen, about the other night, I was just… scared and I don’t know I just was so surprised and like-”

John stood, coming over to Nathaniel, placing his hands on Nathaniel’s hips and pulling him close.

“Shh, it doesn’t matter…”

He kissed Nathaniel gently, Nathaniel losing himself in it. His head tilted back with a grin, sighing. Nathaniel groped at John’s shirt, trying to unfasten it as he felt his body. It wasn’t muscular like Brayden’s, but soft and squishy… Nathaniel liked it, he liked grabbing on and holding John as he pushed him toward the bed, kissing him hard.

John pulled off his shirt, Nathaniel pulling back briefly to strip off his own, pushing John down and straddling him, kissing him harder, hearing him moan. Nathaniel’s mind was going crazy with so many thoughts and feelings, but one was coming through the strongest.

It just felt good.

He pressed his hips into John, who pressed back, and they both began grunting and grinding against each other. Nathaniel began to gently bite and kiss John’s neck, his cheeks flushing, when he glanced at the cross above his bed.

A sick part of him reveled in it.

A strong tingling sensation was building up in his stomach, John’s smothered whines driving him insane. They were both so desperate for each other, hands groping and squeezing every inch of each other’s bodies that they could reach.

The sensation began rising up through Nathaniel, who began to drool. His brain turned to fuzz and he forgot who and where he was.

He felt his mind tumble over the edge as the tension released, and he pressed himself hard into John as they both held each other, riding the waves of pleasure. He liked being in charge… In control… Watching someone unravel because of his actions…

Nathaniel rolled off him, panting, and looking at the wet patch on his pants, already feeling the shame setting in.

John nuzzled his neck, kissing it softly, but Nathaniel let him for a moment as his mind caught up.

“You should go back, don’t raise suspicion.” Nathaniel whispered, eyeing John seriously. Desperately.

John sat up, looking sad he was so quickly rejected. But he understood, nodding, easing off the bed after pecking Nathaniel on the cheek.

John neatened himself up, smiling. He looked giddy.

“I’ll come back soon.”

Nathaniel nodded, feeling conflicted. He had sinned… badly. He fell for the devil’s most evil temptation… and it had felt so good.

But the night encounters continued, and got more and more explicit. Nathaniel and John explored each other so intimately, so secretly, for weeks. It was slowly filling that cold empty void inside him. With each warm release, he felt more alive.

Finally, one night after John came into Nathaniel’s room. Nathaniel had allowed him to pounce on him, as they spent another passionate night together, John sinking to his knees and looking up at Nathaniel, John dutifully obeying him. Nathaniel smiled, as John began, and they gently took the time to let each other finish.

They ended up lying on his bed, skin to skin, staring at the ceiling.

“Nathaniel… I uh, I’ve been thinking that uh, we should stop with this.”

Nathaniel looked at John, shocked, but slightly relieved.

“I- We need to uh, you know… move on. I love you, and I can’t let that interfere with my mission to serve the Lord. I feel that you and I are wandering down the path of sin, Satan is tempting us to go astray, so… we just need to stop. I promise that I won’t tell anyone, can I trust you not to either? The Lord is calling me to serve him and I just-”

Tears welled in his eyes.

“I’m sorry.”

Nathaniel nodded, kissing him one last time.

“I am too. We will say nothing more of it. I think it’s time for you to go. Goodbye John.” Nathaniel felt so dirty for feeling sad about this. He felt so sinful. He was sinful. It was evil, unnatural and wrong.

He didn’t like how empty he felt again.

He didn’t like how he’d cried himself to sleep for days after.

He didn’t talk to John ever again, trying to forget those nights, of clueless joy as they’d discovered ecstasy.

He was so, so perverse.

What ate him up inside more is how much he thought about Brayden whilst he was with John.

~~

Nathaniel sighed, gazing up at the statue of the crucified Jesus on the wall above the altar.

He looked like he was in agony, more so than any other statue he’d ever seen. Even Mark had mentioned he was creeped out by it.

Clasping his hands together, Nathaniel got onto his knees and prayed.

“O Lord. Forgive me for my sins, for my straying from your path. Forgive me for falling for my past temptations and give me the strength to fight the ones Satan is giving me now.”

He paused, feeling strange about the fact he wasn’t asking for forgiveness for helping the demonic entity in the first place.

“Save those whom I have caused to stumble and forgive them. Please give me your salvation as I dedicate my life to you, and spreading your word and your love, my Lord, my saviour, so that all souls my words reach my find your grace and join you in Heaven everlasting. Amen.”

He sighed, looking up at Jesus.

The statue really gave him the creeps. It was almost staring at him. At his soul, and judging it.

There was a tiny pit of doubt that was growing inside him. That love for Brayden, it had never truly disappeared either. His first true love.

Nathaniel stared at the statue as he killed the feeling, letting it fade. The satisfaction of winning against his sin washed over him, and he smiled through the melancholy feeling inside. He was happy. He was right. He was good and following the Lord.

But he still felt so… empty.

Why did the Lord continue to challenge him like this? Why couldn’t Nathaniel be strong enough.

Why did it all still feel so wrong?

“That’s a nice one.” Mark spoke up from the church door.

“Father!” Nathaniel jumped, his hand flying to his mouth, as tears welled up in his eyes.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” Mark apologised, wandering into the building and staring up at the statue.

“He any good company?”

“Not really, Lord have mercy.” Nathaniel glanced up nervously at the statue, doing a quick sign of the cross.

“So what brings you out here, anyway? Something seems to be weighing on you.” Mark handed Nathaniel a rosary, and began fidgeting with his own. “Keh-yah seems to be really on the mend. You’ve done well helping me look after him.”

“That’s good. I’m glad.” Nathaniel replied dully.

They sat in silence for a while Nathaniel working his way around the rosary.

“I think you should run the Sunday Mass all by yourself. I want to see what you’re made of.” Mark looked up at his fellow priest, smiling. Nathaniel looked nervous. He hadn’t run a Mass in months… and never without help.

“I’ll be there the entire time. I’ll help plan it all, but I want to see you run it.”

Nathaniel was pleased with the change of subject, but was now nervous. He can’t falter at the final hurdle of becoming a priest. What good would he be if he couldn’t run a Mass.

“Okay.” Nathaniel replied, looking nervous. He had two days to come up with his very own Mass.

“Don’t look so grim, you’ll do great.” Mark patted his shoulder, smiling. The older priest had smile lines, crows feet, the works on his face. He was a very happy man. God made him happy. Why couldn’t he make Nathaniel happy? Why did he have to torture Nathaniel like this?

“You know.” Mark began, pausing. He thought about his words behind his deep brown eyes. “I have been to a lot of confessions, and heard a lot of secrets on deathbeds. I can tell when someone has something they need to get off their chest. In my experience, they’re better off doing it too, because otherwise their secret eats them up inside.”

Nathaniel sighed. “It’s not like that.”

Mark nodded, the older priest thumbing his way around the rosary, not really praying.

“I can’t force you to, but know when you’re ready, I’ll be here. I can’t judge you. That’s his job.” The older priest nodded at the statue above them. “But I can help you ask for forgiveness.”

“This isn’t something you can ask forgiveness for.”

“Think about Luke 7. Jesus let the prostitute cry on his feet and dry them with her hair. He let her kiss them and anoint him with perfume. She did not ask for forgiveness, but gave her gratitude to the Lord and was forgiven.

To be a prostitute, especially back then was to become immoral and dirty, even tainted. And yet Jesus told the Pharisees that she was more welcoming than they were and therefore deserved forgiveness, by just having the courage to be vulnerable.

Jesus died for our sins on the cross so that we may get forgiveness. It is only God who may judge us and tell us we cannot be forgiven. Anyone who is vulnerable and thankful to God and his love may find his forgiveness.

You have dedicated your life to him, and as everyone is worthy in the kingdom of Heaven, you are worthy of that place too, and the forgiveness the Lord has for you out of his love for his creations.”

Nathaniel shook his head, thinking back to how his parents had spent hours screaming at him.

He’d grown up his whole life knowing his wants were wrong…

Why did God insist on challenging him so much if he loved him?

Nathaniel nodded slowly. “Thank you, Father.”

He gazed down at the rosary. It was beautiful. “Let’s go get breakfast, then we can check on our friend and get prepared for your first Mass.”

~~

Keh-yah was finally able to sit and eat again, his injuries fading every day. His bruises were gone and bones back in place. There weren’t even scars left behind on his skin, which had brightened, losing it’s pale grey colour, and becoming a warm, light brown.

He just looked more alive.

But Nathaniel was steering clear of him for some reason.

“What is wrong with the young one?” Keh-yah’s deep voice piped up from behind Mark. “I can sense the turmoil in him.”

Mark sighed. “He’ll tell me when he’s ready. Though if you could read his mind that would be helpful”

Keh-yah’s response made Mark freeze. He heard the demon laugh, a restrained, quiet, gentle chuckle, with all the fatigue of the last decades weighing on him. “I cannot read minds. Not like man thinks I can. I can however connect with their spirit, and mould myself to their perception of things. Appear to them as how they picture death.” Mark frowned, turning. “Okay then. Let’s see it.” He smirked, watching as Keh-yah’s face melted, features twisting into a new form… It resembled a face he knew well… an angel’s face. His eyes widened, and he blinked, only to find Keh-yah back, and slumped over.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes… It just takes a lot of energy to do that right now.”

Mark admitted, he was slightly creeped out. Was Keh-yah… tricking dying people into thinking that he was an angel?

“So what? You pretend to be God to lure spirits to... wherever you take them?”

Keh-yah leant back against the couch he was slumped in. “No… I am not. It is just merely easier to keep a dying person calm and bring them with me so their soul doesn’t get stuck here.”

“What do you mean?” Mark asked, sitting beside him.

“Ghosts are particularly stubborn spirits, who refuse to leave. They typically have unfinished business and do not want to go, and I need to take a person willingly for them to get to the Other Side. Appearing to them as a reaper of souls or a blinding light is merely appearing to them as how they perceive death. It isn’t a lie, I just become what death looks like to them. I am death incarnate, and so I should look as such.”

“So why call yourself a demon?”

“Well, that is what I am. I am not of the race of Angels. So I should call myself something else. Demon is what mortals understand. I personally just call myself Death, but that scares people more than than demon.”

“Hmm… fascinating.”

Keh-yah nodded. “I can sense your friend is troubled… There is feelings of fear, of rejection and he’s… denying something to himself. Restraining something. Subduing it… I don’t know what, but the more he pushes it down the stronger it becomes.”

Mark nodded, thinking about the words of the demon. He was right, Nathaniel was definitely hiding something.

“I should go see how he’s getting on. Need anything?”

Keh-yah nodded. “I would like to watch Jeopardy.”

Mark smiled, turning on the TV. Keh-yah had really become fond of the game show. It was sweet, seeing him curled up in his hoodie, watching with interest.

Going to Nathaniel, Mark grinned as he approached. “How goes it?”

Nathaniel sighed, putting down his pen. “I think I should run it through with you once, just to make sure.”

Mark nodded, looking to Keh-yah across the room. “Hey, Keh-yah? Wanna see baby’s first Mass practice?”

Keh-yah turned as Nathaniel went red with embarrassment. Doing this in front of him would be… mortifying.

“Sure.” Keh-yah stiffly stood, and limped over. “It had been a while since I was at one.”

The priests seemed surprised, Keh-yah went to Mass?

“What? I like studying humans and their strange traditions.”

The priests nodded, fair enough.

Nathaniel shakily stood and made his way to the church, stepping up to the lectern and looking out onto the sea of pews, as Mark and Keh-yah took their place. He turned the microphone on, and blew out a nervous breath.

“Uh… 1, 2, 1, 2.” Nathaniel joked, tapping the mic, which squealed loudly. Keh-yah grimaced, coving his ears and gritting his teeth. His sensitive hearing was not fond of that sound. Mark rubbed calm circles on his back as the demon caught his breath, and Nathaniel muttered an apology.

Mark came up and fiddled with the “Stupid damn machine,” as he called it, finally getting it cooperating.

Nathaniel looked down at his script, remembering the beginning.

“So uh, I’ve walked in, and welcomed everyone, then I get up here?” He asked, looking unsure.

Mark nodded, giving him a thumbs up. Keh-yah tapped one of his ears, trying to get the ringing out of it.

Nathaniel nodded, “Well, uh, ahem. Thank you all for being here today, on this wonderful Sunday. I am Father Nathaniel, though, call me Father Nate if you would prefer. Now, let’s begin by making the sign of the cross. The Lord be with you.”

Mark did as instructed, and spoke up, “And also with you!”

Keh-yah remained silent, content with just watching.

Nathaniel continued, beginning to get back into the flow of things with the Penitential Rite. “As we gather here today, to celebrate the Mystery of faith and Christ’s love for us, let us reflect and ask the Lord, our God for forgiveness.”

He recited the prayer, Mark replying, as Keh-yah sat with his head respectfully bowed, looking deep in thought. Perhaps he was praying to something too?

He looked so pretty there, head bowed submissively… What Nathaniel could do with the demon bowed at his knees like that. He tore his mind away. This was “Mass,” he couldn’t get distracted.

He finished the prayer, and looked out. Time for Kyrie.

“Lord, have mercy…” He asked, feeling the desperation in his voice.

“Lord, have mercy.” Mark replied.

“Christ, have mercy.” Why was Nathaniel so weak?

“Christ, have mercy.”

“Lord, have mercy.” Why did God not seem to have any mercy left for this torture?

“Lord have mercy.” Mark’s reply broke him out of his thoughts.

Nathaniel looked back down at his sheet. Time for Gloria. He knew that like the back of his hand… Then the opening prayer.

“Then uh, the first reading. I picked Epistle to the Philippians. Then the psalm, 104:31-35. Then the second reading. Galatians 5:16-17.”

Mark nodded, marking them down so he could print them in the Order of Mass. He frowned. Nathaniel was showing the cards he’d been holding so close to his chest here… There was definitely inner turmoil. He was talking about how God makes his followers happy, but in the same Mass, how sins of lust… It dawned on him what Nathaniel was struggling with. His suspicions had been correct.

Nathaniel continued on through the Alleluia, then onto his Gospel reading. Mark was interested to see what he picked. Nathaniel however was nervous. Was he doing okay? Mark seemed happy enough with it so far.

“A reading from the Gospel of Matthew.”

’Here we go…’ thought Mark, knowing exactly what he was about to hear. Poor Nathaniel, no wonder he’d been so torn up.

Nathaniel spoke loudly and confidently, the words giving him power as he reenforced his beliefs yet again. His faith was strong, he may be a man tormented by sin, but these words helped him be strong against the the temptations of the Devil.

Mark watched with interest, curious about the Homily.

“Matthew tells us how to fight some of our greatest battles. For to commit a sin of the mind is to defile that of another, without their knowledge. We must control ourselves and our lust, so we may not turn those thoughts into actions, leading to the degradation of our church, and the defilement of the Lord and his children. It is on us to control our evil thoughts and rely on God to help us, by asking for help, by opening our hearts to him and letting him know that we are prepared to receive his help and blessings. To control the evil in our hearts, is to give them to God, and allow him to defend us from the darkness, shining a light on us, and protecting us from going astray. No matter how hard it may be, open your heart to the Lord, our God and ask for forgiveness.”

Nathaniel avoided the eye of Mark as he continued through the Nicene Creed. Then he reached more personal prayers…

“Lord God, we pray that you aid us in finding your salvation, and give us the grace and forgiveness to overcome our struggles. We pray for the ones who are sick, and hurting, the ones who are injured and alone. We pray for the strangers and for the ones we know, and that they may find peace. We pray for those who do not believe in you, that they may find your love, or at least be safe and warm and fed.”

“We pray to the Lord.” Mark replied, nodding in approval.

“Jesus, almighty, we pray that you may guide us with your teachings and become our rock as we battle through the hardest of times. We pray you protect those who are vulnerable and those who are lost. We ask of you this, so that they may be comforted, and gain strength, power and hope.”

Keh-yah looked up. Nathaniel was talking about him. He was touched.

“We pray to the Lord.” Mark answered, smiling at Keh-yah.

“And we pray for all who cannot, for those who are unable to be free of tyranny or struggle. We pray so that they may find your grace and light, O Lord, and with that, peace. We pray to the Lord.”

“Lord hear our prayer.” Mark answered one last time, looking impressed. Nathaniel had a knack for writing these.

Talking through the Liturgy of the Eucharist and Communion Rite, Nathaniel mimed the actions, breaking bread and pouring wine which Mark gratefully imaginary drank. Keh-yah was quite amused by all the complicated little parts, all the things they did and beliefs they had. It was fascinating. The last church he’d been in was the war. Soliders had been standing in the ruins of a little French church, firing away at German troops. He’d wiped out most of each of those groups that day in that church. Such a shame… Such a waste of life…

War was so needless.

He thought back to how busy he’d been. Europe hadn’t been that busy since the plagues… It had broken his heart to see it all unfold, it was horrifying. Such evil, so cold and systematic. Not valuing even the life of a child, which had ceased to be human in the eyes of the monsters. Little did they realise they were the ones who’d ceased to be human. And Asia… Africa… The bombs… At least that was something he could agree with Daga on. Humans were monsters when they lost their humanity and became powerful. Sadly, it appeared Angels were the same.

“Let us offer the sign of peace.” Nathaniel’s words broke his thoughts.

“Peace be with you.” Mark whispered, touching Keh-yah’s arm. “Are you alright?”

Keh-yah sighed heavily… “Yes. Just, thinking. Remembering.”

Mark nodded, turning back to Nathaniel. “Let me know if you want to go.”

“It’s fine. I’m enjoying this.”

“He’s good at it.” Mark agreed.

Nathaniel finished his Mass with a final prayer, and dismissed Mark and Keh-yah, who both clapped politely for him.

“Fantastic work, Nate.”

Nathaniel nodded gratefully, as Keh-yah agreed, but mumbled something about being tired and going back to Jeopardy!, as Nathaniel doing Mark on the pew.

“Come inside, we should have cookies while we get Order of Mass printed.” Nathaniel nodded, following Mark inside. He waited as Mark came back with a laptop and a tray of cookies, glancing over at their demon friend, who was passed out on the couch as the Jeopardy! credits rolled.

“I liked it. A lot about trusting God to bring happiness.” Mark began, sorting the digital copy out for Nathaniel to make.

“Well… God makes our lives so good. He makes us happy.” Nathaniel replied robotically.

“How did you decide to become a priest?” Mark asked as he grabbed a couple of cookies.

“God called me. Grew up in a pretty religious family, had issues as a kid and lost my way, but they took me to church and I realised God was calling me to the cloth. My faith is stronger than ever.”

That last bit hurt Nathaniel’s heart to say. He was saying what Mark wanted to hear, not the truth. That he was told it would be best for him to find God as a priest and let that help him release his sinful ways. He’d never imagined that he’d end up getting and giving blowjobs in Seminary, and how even after everything he felt more abandoned than ever by his Lord. Did God just not want him?

“Nice.” Mark replied, chewing a cookie as he brushed crumbs of his stomach. “For me, it was similar. Grew up religious. But when I was 14 I just knew that priesthood was what I wanted to do. I volunteered as an altar boy and just fell in love with the behind the scenes. It was magical. God brings me great comfort on the hard days, and lets me help people on theirs.”

He looked to Nathaniel, who was pale. Nathaniel’s stomach dropped the moment Mark spoke, he saw through everything.

“God grants me love, and I am happy about the life he gives me because of that love. He called me to make the world better and fulfil my promise to him. I struggle, but he gets me through.”

Mark was silent for a while, his demeanour more serious.

“Nathaniel, what’s the matter?” He asked, frowning as Nathaniel’s eyes began welling up, his limbs shaking. “You can tell me. Is something wrong?”

The young priest shook his head. “God is so good. He fills me with love… But then… then why am I so unhappy? So tormented?” The words broke him, the tears rolling down his cheeks as he began to cry.

“Why does he punish me? What did I do to deserve this?”

Mark’s features softened, gently scooping up the priest and holding him in a hug as the man wept into his shoulder.

“What do you mean?” He asked, concerned.

“I- I have thoughts…”

Mark’s stomach dropped.

“What kind of thoughts?”

Nathaniel shook, as every fibre of his being fought to hide the truth of his sin…

“Sinful thoughts. Th- Thoughts of men… of K-Keh-yah…. In… situations….”

Mark began rocking him slowly. He’d knew it was a matter of time until this happened…

“Oh, Nate… What do you mean?”

Nathaniel went red, shaking profusely. “I’m- I’m a homosexual, Father…”

~~

Mark held Nathaniel as words came spilling out of the young priest. He was horrified by the story Nathaniel told him, of homophobic parents and archaic ways of thinking. Mark knew first hand how hostile the church was to gay men, queer people in general… It hurt his heart that Nathaniel thought that becoming a priest was the answer.

“Oh, Nate…” The older priest breathed, wiping the tears off of the man’s face. He hushed the sobbing man, stroking his soft, red hair and holding him tight. “Oh, you poor soul…”

Nate shuddered against Mark as he began to calm down. He felt so relieved to have finally let everything out, but now he was bracing for the rejection and rage that would follow from Mark.

“It’s okay, Nate. Let it all out…” Mark gently murmured, heeling guide the young priest to the nearby couch to sit somewhere more comfortable. “You’re okay…” Mark’s hand rubbed comforting circles on Nathaniel’s back as he finally began to breathe deep, calming breaths.

“You’ve been carrying this burden for a long time, haven’t you?”

Nathaniel nodded, unable to speak.

“I’m so sick of being like this… I just want to be normal…” He whispered, burying his face in his hands.

“But you are…” Mark murmured, leaning down to catch Nathaniel’s eye.

The young man froze, looking at Mark in horror.

“What do you mean?”

“Nate…” Mark half gasped. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being gay.”

Nathaniel’s eyes grew wide, not believing Mark.

“God still loves you. He never stopped. He didn’t make a mistake or set you a challenge to overcome. Satan. Isn’t trying to tempt you into a world of sin. Goodness, you’re tearing yourself apart and you don’t need to be at all.”

The older priest wrapped the boy in a warm, loving hug, holding him tight and not letting him go.

Nathaniel was filled with a strange feeling as he was held, a fuzzy, warm, comforting stability he’d never felt before… Parental love.

Mark pulled back, smiling at him kindly. “Oh dear, what a mess this all is, eh? Come on, I have something exactly for this.”

He got up, disappearing, only to come back with two wine glasses and two bottles of wine. “My sister went to Italy a few years ago, brought me back these. Been saving them for a rainy day.”

He poured out two generous serves. “So. Tell me everything.” ~~

The two priests talked long into the night, getting progressively drunker and drunker. Nathaniel sobbed on Mark’s shoulder, and then laughed maniacally at how stupid this all was, then went back to sobbing and praying for forgiveness. The two bottles were empty in no time, both dazed priests slumped back in the sofa as Nathaniel drunkenly talked about how much he hated his parents. He’d never felt this free before…

This felt good.

But it was sin.

A soft hand slapped his cheek. “Uh-uh… We don’t think like that anymore…” Mark hiccuped, his words slurring. “No more worrying about sinning…. Okay?”

Nathaniel nodded, feeling guilty still…

Keh-yah groaned softly, rolling over on the couch. “Oh, shit.” Mark slapped his hand over his mouth as they both giggled, trying not to wake up the feeble demon.

Keh-yah however, lifted his head and sniffed the air. “What…?” He breathed, looking at the two drunk priests giggling in the darkness. “What has happened?” Keh-yah pushed himself up, rubbing his eyes wearily, the scent of alcohol making him nauseous.

“Just having a uh… therapy session.” Mark mumbled, belching loudly. “Nathaniel had some stuff he needed to work through…”

Keh-yah’s body shifted, looking at the young priest as he buried his face into the couch, crossing his legs.

“You know what?” Mark slurred, grabbing the bottles. “Come with me Nate, I’ve had an idea.”

Keh-yah curiously followed the two drunk priests as they got bundled up in warm clothes, going out into the cold darkness of the Rectory grounds. The demon shivered a little, pulling the hood of his hoodie up.

Mark handed the empty bottles of wine to Nathaniel, and whispered in his ear. Keh-yah could hear every word, but he didn’t let on that he could. It would ruin their fun.

Nathaniel began drunkenly ranting about his parents, how they’d never been there for him and always made him feel like he was wrong. He ranted about how society was messed up and people were so needlessly cruel for no reason. He ranted about the people who’d hurt Keh-yah, and how if Christians thought they were so great, why did they hurt so many people. Why people in general hurt so many people. Why the world was so… shit!

Nathaniel slurred the swear word, a sudden liberating weight leaving his shoulders. “FUCK YOU WORLD!” He yelled at the dark, cloudy sky, the dull light of the moon barely illuminating everything. “YEAH!” Mark replied, hooting as Nathaniel smashed the bottles on the ground.

He looked up at Keh-yah and Mark, a new lease of life in his eyes. “Oh, my God, this is great! I feel AMAZING!”

He whooped, sprinting around the garden cheering and jumping in glee, Keh-yah sensing strange emotions coming from him. But there was a spark inside him… A flame sputtering to life.

Suddenly, that flame bowed, Nathaniel coming to a stop. He looked at Mark, holding his head in shame as the older priest came over.

“Oh no, what have I done? Please, Father, forgive me for I have sinn-”

“Oh, shh. None of that.” Mark mumbled. “Come on. You need to go to bed.”

Keh-yah followed silently behind the two priests as Mark guided Nathaniel to bed. Nathaniel however, kept glancing at Keh-yah, going red, that smell emanating from him again…

Keh-yah finally figured it out. Lust.

Nathaniel was attracted to his body… To him…

Keh-yah smirked a little. He’d had many faces, bodies, skin colours and hair types. He changed no matter where he went, who he let see him. Deep down, he was an amorphous mist, space dust manifested into a sentient creature, returning borrowed space dust back to where it belonged. But that was hard to do without a default physical form.

He remembered his very early days, manifesting a face and body he liked. That felt like him.

They all had, all the reapers had formed bodies, some feminine, some masculine, others an in between or neither. It made reality more tangible, but the downside was their physical forms were not completely immortal. They were strong, healing instantly from any injury or sickness, never weak or frail, no matter how some looked and they never aged. But they could die. Once the body of a reaper was killed, it was gone forever, returned to the universe, just like everything else.

It had happened occasionally, but the last few decades, being hunted down and killed, that had been different.

Reapers weren’t supposed to die. But they did. And they didn’t come back.

And now Keh-yah was alone…

Or maybe less than he thought? If a human could still want after him, his body and mind, maybe he wasn’t.

A gentle melancholy swirled in Keh-yah, as the demon watched Nathaniel snuggle into bed, Mark tucking him in tight. Sadly, he could not reciprocate that love, even if he tried.

Keh-yah felt love for humanity, for Angels and for his kind. But it was never lustful or romantic. Some demons had learned to seek out humans for their own validation, to try and get some taste of it, but they never truely did…

The love Keh-yah and all his kind carried for humanity was a nurturing love, one of justice, peace and kindness. No one should have to be alone at the very end…

And knowing they weren’t filled Keh-yah with the closest thing he could call love.

~next~

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