Snowblindness is when you've been outside in the bright whiteness of snow so long that your pupils become specks, and when you go inside everything is a dark, blinking purple and you can't see. It used to happen to me a lot at recess in elementary school in Middleburg, New York.
Today I was writing in a coffee shop window and the November sunlight on the white page in front of me made me snowblind. I was in Oregon though, so no one would know what that means. It never really snows here.
I wonder if they know here that you can hear so falling. If you listen closely over the vast, muffled, white landscape, it's a quiet, steady "sssstttt" like white noise but sharper. I haven't really seen or heard snow in two years and I'm not unaffected by it.
In December 2007, she was mad at me. I was stoned and it hurt but I didn't understand any of it. I walked through knee-deep snow to the bridge over the Wallkill. The snow had made level the bridge and the sidewalk and the guardrails. I walked to the very edge, where the snow rounded off over the frozen river and I sat down and I cried.
The snow was falling in big, fat flakes. My clothes and my scarf were cotton but the fluffy snow around me felt dry and cool for a long time. I was so stoned and I didn't understand any of it but it hurt so much. The Wallkill was flowing cold and fast under the ice, dark and exposed at the edges. It was frightening, how easy it would be to fall. I sat there until I couldn't cry anymore. I don't remember walking home.
"A snowy afternoon, I don't think it's too soon, To spend the day together," she wrote months later. I remember that day by the Wallkill too. There was a frozen puddle outside the coffee shop. We held each other's arms and skated on it. I remember looking down onto her green Converse, just barely touching my own shoes. The snow was falling aimlessly, occasionally, cold white dust. It took its time in getting to the ground. Moved quickly in long, circuitous routes around us standing there.
I found myself snowblind today. I'm in Oregon though, they don't know the brightness or the sound, they don't know snow like I do. It still happens though, snowblindness, but no one knows that's what its called. But I know, I remember. With all the brightness, I can't see anything around me. I can't see anything but snow.