#snowflake adoption

[alianoralacanta]

they do. It's called snowflake adoption, and they'll keep doing that AND stealing children because they have a culture war to win.

Even though stealing children is contributing to them losing the culture war *facepalm*

[confessionsofbirthmothers]

Sarah M. March 30, 2015 Our full biological daughter, who was placed as an embryo with another family, and is now 5, has never been told she’s adopted. My children, her full biological siblings, are getting older and would love to know and have some sort of relationship with her. We are told that our 5-year-old, embryo adopted daughter will be dictating how our relationship with her will work out when she’s old enough to handle that information. I wish I had been more educated about the power we gave away and what we opened our family up to when we placed our embryos for adoption. It’s the biggest regret of my life. It’s difficult at best to put into words how betrayed and tormented we feel by this. More importantly, I can’t begin to imagine what this is doing and will do to her. We NEVER agreed or intended this for her. But – her mother gave birth to her. I guess they can keep it secret forever or until my kids contact her on Facebook

[upwardlife]

I thought our little one's ultrasound was super-cute watching our baby yawn... This is a whole new level of movement!

[upwardlife]

Chapter 12: Is She Pregnant?

The Transfer happened on a Saturday.

We had to wait at least 10 days until we could test Aly to see if she was pregnant.

It was a long 10 days.

We asked if there was any way we could get in first thing for the pregnancy test and the Tennessee clinic graciously obliged.  

We entered the clinic that morning in high hopes that we would get a positive pregnancy.  Since the meds Aly were on could through off the traditional “pee-stick” pregnancy test (giving a false-positive) she had to get her blood drawn for the more certain reading.  

We arrived just before 8:30 AM and Aly was called almost immediately.  We both got up and walked toward the room where she would get blood drawn.

Our hearts were beating out of our chests we were so nervous.

Aly sat in the chair next to a friendly phlebotomist who would become one of Aly’s favorite people she worked with through this whole process.

The whole blood draw took only about 5 minutes and just like that we were done.

We checked out with the lady at the front desk and she said they would call us when they got results.

"Honey, I kind of thought that we would find out immediately" I said to Aly as we walked out of the building.

"Yeah, so did I.  I guess it’s just more waiting until this afternoon."  She replied.

More waiting.

We tried to get our minds off things by going out for breakfast and then hanging out at my office while I tried to get some work done.   It was a long day.  Eventually Aly decided to go home and try to take a nap to make the time go by quicker and I decided to stay at work.  

Since we were considered patients in the NJ clinic and just working with the TN clinic on an out-patient basis, NJ was supposed to let us know the results.  

In working with RMA we would discover that we rarely received any calls or emails before 3pm.

2PM came and went and Aly was sick of waiting so she called TN to ask them for results.  I won’t say who she spoke to, since they probably weren’t supposed to release the results, but the person on the other end of the line told her something like this:

"Well, you didn’t hear it from me, but according to your HCG levels you are pregnant."

It goes without saying that Beautiful Al was ecstatic.  

She called me and told me the good news.

Her HCG levels were very high, and we knew that sometimes that can mean twins.  The following week was full of dreams and conversations about how much our life would change with twins.

Twins were what we wanted.

Twins meant we wouldn't have to go through this again.

More importantly twins meant both frozen babies had survived.

My mother has a history of coming up with “pre-gender” names for her grandkids.  Prior to the ultrasound when my sister would find out whether she was having a boy or a girl my mom came up with the name “Reepacheep” for her pre-born baby, my niece.  Reepacheep is the energetic warrior mouse from the Chronicles of Narnia.  

This is usually so we can all have a specific name to pray for and so we don’t just refer to the baby as, well… “The Baby”.  I thought this was a uniquely Granna trait until our next door neighbors told us they came up with “Baby Blueberry” before they knew whether they were having a boy or a girl.

My mother called us that week and asked what we thought about the name “Piper”.

We loved it.

She came up with Piper for Aly”s love of music and also after one of my favorite Pastors who I listen to named “John Piper”.

Granna was having trouble coming up with another musically oriented name, so we thought about it and decided “Prelude” worked perfectly.   Prelude is sort of an introduction to the main musical piece.

Piper and Prelude.

Piper seemed like a masculine name and Prelude sounded somewhat feminine.

We prayed for Piper and Prelude every day.  

Before  meals we would ask God to bless the food  to Aly, Piper, and Prelude.  

We prayed that God would continue to knit together Piper and  Prelude inside Aly’s womb.

We let ourselves imagine that Piper was a boy and Prelude was a girl and how perfect that would be.

We followed every recommendation that RMA  and our local fertility clinic gave.

Aly took every medicine exactly as prescribed.

She ate healthy, didn’t strain herself, got plenty of sleep, and spent lots of time relaxing.

There couldn’t have been a better patient.

The following week we had our first ultrasound with the Tennessee Clinic.

We told our Sunday School class about the appointment and had even more people praying for us.  There were lots of prayers that week.

Thankfully the TN clinic once again gave us the 8:30 AM time slot for the ultrasound.

We arrived excited and nervous.

Aly was especially nervous because she wasn’t feeling any morning sickness yet and her body wasn’t feeling any different than it did before pregnancy.  

We got called early and went into the ultrasound room and nervously waited for the Doctor to come in.

After about 5 minutes he came in, followed by two nurses.

We had done our research online and knew that in this ultrasound we would only see the “sacks” that Piper and Prelude were inside and they would still be too small to be seen on the screen.  

They performed the ultrasound and the Doctor found one of the sacks relatively quickly.  

"Congratulations." He said, "We can see the sack well.  Let’s see if we can find another one."

After a few minutes of looking around he removed the ultrasound device and said the one sack looked great and congratulated us again.

As the nurses left they also smiled and said congratulations on their way out.

Every one was out of the room except Aly and me.

She spoke first.

Softly.

"Only one?-"

I spoke immediately and was short with my answer:

"Let's talk about it outside."

I didn’t want either of us to come out of the room with tears and I knew if either of us said anything more we would cry.

Aly silently picked up her belongings and looked up at me with those big beautiful eyes that asked me a million questions without saying a word as we both exited the room.

I sat immediately to the outside of the room while Aly went to see her buddy, Peggy the phlebotomist for another blood draw.

I over heard the conversation.

"How’d it go?" Peggy asked.

Aly responded, “We really wanted twins and they could only see one sack inside.  Does that really mean there’s no way we could possibly have another in there?”

Peggy answered, “No Honey.  I’m sorry  but that pretty much means there’s only one.”

After her blood draw Aly and I checked out at the front desk and walked out to our car and just sat there in the parking lot for a couple minutes.

Silence.

I spoke first:  

"I’m not really sure what to say.  I don’t know what God is  doing."

"I thought we were meant to have two.  Everything seemed to point to that."  As Aly spoke a couple of tears came down her freckled cheeks.

We rode back to our house.

Didn’t say much.

I thought about our families.  Each of our mothers would be wondering by now why that hadn’t heard from us on how the appointment went.

The last appointment where we found out Aly was officially pregnant we texted them before we even left the Doctor’s Office.

I knew they would begin to suspect that something was wrong with Piper and Prelude.

We called my mother first.  Aly didn’t say anything.  She was too upset to speak.  I held back the tears as I told my mother that unfortunately one of the babies didn’t make it.  My voice was broken.

At that point I didn’t know which one.

Was it Piper or Prelude that we would never meet this side of eternity?  

Would it be Piper or Prelude who would live with us in our new  home, in our new city, for the next 18 years.  

I wasn’t sure at the time.

We spoke briefly to my mother and she tried to comfort us and said that one of the babies was with Jesus right now and she knew she had a grandchild in heaven.

We called Aly’s mother next.  Aly could only get out “Hello…” before she couldn’t speak due to the tears so I told her mother about how unfortunately one of the babies didn’t survive, but thankfully the other one seemed to be doing well.

Her mother said she was worried something was wrong before we even called.

After the phone calls we just sat next to each other on the couch.  Not really saying much.  I said a few times, “Honey, God is sovereign.  This is devastating but God is sovereign.”

I don’t think it helped her much.  It didn’t help me at all.

We decided that Piper would be our baby in heaven, whom we would refer to as “he”.  Although Prelude’s name would change once we knew whether we were having a boy or girl, we decided that Piper would forever be “Piper”.

We decided to give ourselves 24 hours to grieve and then tomorrow at this time we would rejoice that Prelude was doing so well.

We would not stop being sad about the fact that we wouldn’t meet Piper in 9 months.

But we would try to stop grieving.

We wouldn't stop thinking about Piper.  Every day I think about him.

But we would stop grieving.

Something else happened to me for the first time.

I realized that I had grandparents in heaven, friends in heaven, and now a child in heaven, and for the first time I really felt like I had one foot in either side of eternity as I actually longed to see those people again.  

And to meet my son.

I felt the power of Paul’s words “For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain” (Phil 1:21).  I missed family, friends, and now my child.  All of whom I knew I wouldn’t be able to see again this side of eternity.  I’m not saying I wanted to die or was even close to suicidal or anything like that.  

I guess the closest thing I can compare it to is looking forward with great anticipation a long vacation where I will see old friends but knowing before I leave there’s still a lot I have to accomplish here.

We found out later that my sister’s daughter, our 3 year old niece named Evie, asked my sister that morning before our appointment, “How is Prelude doing?”.  My sister found that odd as the last couple of weeks she had always asked about Prelude and Piper.  

Not today.

Today she was only concerned with how Prelude was doing.  Even before we knew that Piper was no longer with us.

By that afternoon none of us were concerned with how Piper was doing.

We all knew.

We were sad, yes.

But we all knew.

Piper was good.

That night we thanked God that Piper was no longer numbered among the 600,000 nameless, tiny orphans indefinitely frozen waiting to continue life.

Piper was no longer a snowflake.

For his short time here on earth he got to be someone's Cousin.

Nephew.

Grandchild.

Son.

While he was here Piper got to be loved.

And he still is.

_______________________________________

"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

- King David, who after 7 days days of hard prayer and fasting discovered that his young son had succumbed to illness and died.

2 Samuel 12

[upwardlife]

Chapter 11: It's Time.

We entered into another (surprise!) waiting area.

This one was larger and instead of seats there were beds with curtains around them sort of like a really plush emergency room area. 

We were directed to one of the beds and a nurse came over and shut the curtain around our bed and came in.

She was extremely kind and let us know that we would usually get a private room but they were doing 11 transfers that day.  

Even though they were very busy, she seemed more than willing to answer any questions we had and took her time with us.  After a brief Q & A with this nurse she was gone and Beautiful Al and I were waiting once again.  

A few minutes later we heard a voice say “knock knock” and after we gave the all clear a head poked through the curtain.  A smiled appeared on a young woman’s face and after we said “Hi”, she came inside and pulled behind her a cart with all sorts of gadgets and gizmo’s on board.  

"I’m here for your laser acupuncture"  she cheerfully said as we watched her set up her cart next to Aly’s bed.

Now at this point I should say that like many Americans, we are very unfamiliar with any medicine even hinting of Eastern in origin.

Neither of us had ever had Acupuncture before, so this would be a first for Aly, but since we had read that Acupuncture can boost transfer rates by 2-4% Aly decided to give it a try.

Usually when people think of acupunture they think of a spa like setting where someone is sticking you with these really long thin needles at various places around the body.  

There is calm music playing in the background.

The smell of Incense.

A calm voice is guiding you through some sort of relaxing meditation.

This was far different.

It was clinical.

The woman giving Aly the Acupuncture was dressed like any other nurse there.

And there weren’t needles.

Just one big laser.

And funny looking glasses.

Since RMA offered the laser acupuncture, that’s what we used, which apparently required us both to wear these funny looking sun glasses in order to protect us from the light of the laser (which I never saw).  

The acupuncturist/nurse slowly and methodically moved the laser to various parts of Aly and then waited a few seconds at each place letting it do  its thing.  

From the ears, to neck, and worked down to her belly, which I can only imagine was meant to somehow increase blood flow to her womb.  

At one point I asked Aly if she felt any different or could feel the laser and she said she couldn’t really feel anything, but thought maybe her ear felt a little warmer while it was being lasered. 

After 10 minutes or so she packed up her cart, but let us keep our special sunglasses, apparently there was a post-transfer session involved as well.

Next we moved to the transfer room where it was fairly similar to a private message room at a spa.  There was soft music playing in the background and the lights were turned down low.

Aly sat up on the table and we both waited for the Doctor to come in with our future children.

We tried to talk about where we would eat dinner that night and not how nervous we were for the 2 little lives that were about to be wheeled in.

I held her hand and said a quick prayer and almost immediately Dr. Bergh, a nurse, and tech came in.

The Tech was wheeling what looked like a incubation chamber on wheels.

The first words out of Dr. Bergs mouth were music to our ears:

"Both Embryo’s survived and look great."  He then handed me a photocopy of a picture of both Embryos.

"Oh fantastic" Alyssa said as we both smiled.

Dr. Bergh then asked her to get up on the table in order to ready herself for the transfer.  As she was climbing up one of her feet slipped and she almost fell off the table but Dr. Bergh caught her.

We all had a good laugh and it helped break the ice.

The next few minutes involved me holding a camera close while I took pictures of ultrasound screens that showed our babies.

I’m struggling to find words to describe what we saw or how we felt in the next few minutes.

It was a miracle to say the least watching what appeared to be little white dots on a screen make their way to their new home in Beautiful Al, it was something that would never have been imagined by my grandparents when they were my age and probably only read about by my parents.

It was a special moment.

After the transfer I took a picture with Beautiful Al and Dr. Bergh and just like that everyone was gone.  

Nurses and staff all smiled and said “good luck!” as we walked out of the building holding our heads high.

And we took one last pic before heading back to the hotel.  

Our home made shirts say “Adopt from the freezer” and on the back “We did”.

[upwardlife]

CHAPTER 9: 1st Visit to the Freezer.

We arrived in Newark for the first time in late June and spent the night at the Hilton Airport Hotel.  After reviewing options for travel to the freezer holding our babies we decided to go the car rental route from the hotel.

The other option was to take a cab to RMA, but at more than $50 each way, plus we weren't sure how easy it would be to get a cab back, we decided to rent a car from the hotel the morning of our first visit. 

Our appointment wasn't until 9:30, but since this would be first time I had ever driven in New York/New Jersey, we decided to leave as soon as the Rental Desk opened at 7AM.  

We didn't sleep much the night before, so getting up in plenty of time to be ready by 7AM wasn't a problem.

We walked downstairs to the lobby.

Dang.

There was a hand-written note written on the door saying they wouldn't be in until 8AM that morning and TV's in the lobby all had stories about how two 18-Wheeler trucks collided on the George Washington Bridge so traffic was backed up for miles.  I had no idea which direction we were heading or if we needed to take that bridge in order to get to RMA by 9:30AM meeting saying I was a little nervous is an understatement.

We decided to have a cup of coffee in the lobby and wait for the late rental Agent to show up, which he did promptly at 8AM.  We then embarked on our first driving experience on Express-Ways around the Newark Airport.

On Guam public roads the fastest speed limit posted is 35mph, so it had been about 3 years since I’d driven 75mph.  I felt a little like a NASCAR driver at first, but with both hands gripping the wheel tightly and a couple of prayers we managed to get there without incident.

Those of you who are familiar with the area already know this, but we didn't have to take the Bridge since we were headed West, so we were feeling good.

We arrived at RMA and decided to take a couple of pictures outside of the building of the entrance signs so we could show our children one day where they spent the first 8 years of their lives as frozen embryos.

We went upstairs to a very posh reception area and checked in with the woman at the counter.  We sat down in an area that reminded me of a Club Lounge for frequent flyers.  Living on Guam we managed to become “Platinum” level flyers one year and got into the Frequent Flyer Clubs a few times.  Most Club Lounges we didn’t really fit in but just tried to pretend like we belonged there.  Once when we were in Hong Kong we decided to take a selfie of ourselves in front of the Club Lounge. As we were taking the picture a well dressed American man who looked like he traveled all the time asked us if we wanted him to take our picture.  We sheepishly took him up on it.  We laughed a few minutes later when we arrived in the First Class seats we had got “bumped” up to and who was our neighbor just a few rows up?

The chairs at RMA where nicer than any doctor's office I'd ever seen.  The posh seating was grouped in sections of 4, each one surrounding a small coffee table in the middle of them.  Aly and I were the only 2 people in the large waiting room. 

And I was excited.

Excited that for the first time in our lives, were literally a stones throw from our future children.

Excited that we had been blessed enough to be able to be at this point in the process, thinking of how far we've come over the last few years.

And then, it sort of jumped up on me.  An unexpected feeling.

Embarrassment.

I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but part of me was actually embarrassed that I had to be there.

I wondered if the other couples who walked in would look at us and instinctively know that I was the broken one in our relationship.

I wondered if I would judge others as they walked in and wonder which of them were broken.  

While we sat there young woman checked into the receptionist.  She had a scarf wrapped around her head that looked like something some women wear who have cancer and are going through Chemo therapy.

I remembered reading about how RMA worked with women to store their eggs prior to undergoing cancer treatments and I wondered if that was her story.

Did she have husband who looked forward to starting a family with her after they put cancer behind them and chemicals no longer threatened the life and health of their pre-born child?

Was she single now, but optimistic that after she had kicked cancer, she would find that special someone and begin a family?  

A nurse came out and asked for us to come in.  Our first visit was with one of the Doctors.

Dr. Bergh.

We went in his office and were greeted by a nurse who sat quietly beside his desk with a notepad in her lap.  She had a pleasant demeanor and waited to introduce herself until after we shook hands with Dr. Bergh and sat down.

"So what brings you here?” he asked.

Isn't this a fertility clinic? I thought

Do couples come here for some reason other than they want babies?

Are you being conversational or maybe just unfamiliar with our case?

There was only a slight pause and thankfully Beautiful Al offered up a far less snarky response:

“We adopted 15 embryos through Snowflake and want to get pregnant.”  Aly Offered up.

Dr Bergh then typed something on his computer and looked intensely at the screen.

Long Pause.

“I must say, you have some very healthy looking embryos here… I think we’ll have no trouble getting you pregnant.”

Was this what he told all couples sitting in his office or did he really mean it?

He then asked us how many embryos we were looking to transfer.

I jokingly answered. “Well Doc, we’re looking at getting a two-for-one special from you guys so we’d like twins out of this.”

Not even a smirk.

He responded like a professor answering an eager freshman student.

“You should know the risks involved with twins… If there’s a significant developmental problem with one of your children, there’s a good possibility that problem will be doubled with two children.  Twins tend to have lower birth-weight, are more likely to be premature, and there’s some other problems that can arise with twins that would not arise with a single birth.”

“My Sister’s are twins” Aly responded.  “I grew up helping my mother raise them so we're familiar with how much work it takes and we’d really like twins.”

Once again beautiful Al had a better answer and I.

"Alright."  Dr Bergh continued. "In that case, about 14 of your embryos are in pairs and look fantastic.  Top of the line.  One just looks a little different."

A little different.

How can three little words carry so much weight?

I knew that there was very little chance that Little Guy would be adopted anytime soon if that was his introduction.

Or Little Girl?

No, for some reason I felt this one, separated from the others, would have to be a little boy.

This little guy was frozen about 8 years ago and I knew it would be many more before he was born.

Out of our 15 embryos, in that moment I felt that he would be the last in line.

Dr Bergh offered up another question, "So, with that being said, how do you want to proceed with the transfer?  If two survive the unthawing process, I'm guessing you just want to implant both?"

We nodded.

He continued, "If by chance, one does not survive, how do you want to move forward, unthaw another set and just re-freeze one of them?" 

I responded, "We'd have a really difficult time picking which to implant and which to re-freeze, you can't implant both?"

"Unfortunately under no circumstances will we implant three embryos." he answered.

"In that case, we'll go for the single."  I immediately replied.  I looked over toward beautiful Al.

Maybe that was too quick of a response

"Is that what you're thinking Honey?"  I asked.

"I agree.  We'll attempt the single if only one survives the thaw." 

Whew, she agreed.

I was torn.  I hoped every one of our Babies on Ice resulted in a successful pregnancy, but rooted for the one that looked “a little different”.  

We walked out of the office, knowing that if only one of our first two survived the process of being thawed out after being frozen for 8 years we would take it as a sign that the little guy who was different would be ours.

"So the last will be first and the first will be last." -Matthew 2:20

I won't go into the details, but next came a fairly invasive appointment for my beautiful Al so Dr Bergh could check to make sure everything was OK.  When I said earlier “we” were done being poked and prodded, apparently that was just “me”.  

Thankfully everything was beautiful for Al.

Our final appointment of  the day was in order to get blood drawn.

Blood Drawn.

For both of us.

I thought Aly was going to be the only one to have to give blood.

And this made me nervous.

As I've gotten older I've developed an unfortunate habit that has become a nuisance.  The sequence of events when get blood drawn are as follows:

Start to give blood.

Start hearing a ringing in my ears.

Start to see spots.

My face turns pale.

Pass out cold.

It doesn't matter if I'm looking at the needle or not.

If I see blood or not.

If the Nurse taking my blood is talking to me or not.

The sequence is almost always steps one through five.

I like to think of myself as a tough skinned, red-blooded american male to who doesn't cry at girly movies, likes to life heavy things, can kill a wild boar with his bare hands, and most importantly, doesn't pass out at the sight of blood.

In an effort to salvage at least some of my manhood, I'll tell you I don't get squeamish (yet) when I see other people's blood.  The first time Alyssa witnessed me pass out cold she was right next to me.  I warned the nurse that I sometimes pass out when I give blood and the nurse brushed it off as if I was telling her a lighthearted joke and only politely smiled as she said softly “I think you’ll be fine”.  About 2 minutes in, I told her I  thought I was going to pass out, mumbled something like "Heeaarrr commms theee ringgingggg..." and then according to Aly she thought I was dying because of how white I looked as I passed out.

Sitting in the chair at RMA I warned my phlebotomist of my "condition" as I sat in the chair.

Aly sat next to me and also mentioned to the phlebotomist I could be a difficult patient.

I told Aly I loved her as if I was going into major surgery.

Right before the phlebotomist stuck me the girl with the scarf came in and told the phlebotomist she was there to give blood too.

You’ve got to be kidding Lord.

Maybe I’ll put a smile on her face if I pass out.

It was just the four of us in the blood draw room.

Me.

Beautiful Al

Phlebotomist.

Scarf Girl.

Maybe it was because I didn't have that much blood drawn.

Maybe it was due to the skill and speed and which the phlebotomist drew blood.

I think it might have been because I imagined what the girl in the scarf was going through and how intimidating her future must look and my little obstacle of giving blood seemed to pale in comparison.

Whatever the reason, I didn't pass out that day.

[upwardlife]

CHAPTER 8: That could be us.

We were ecstatic.

Aly had spent some time on a Yahoo Group focused on Embryo Adoption and it seems that a lot of couples tend to turn down the first match by Nightlight. 

We waited a couple days to email back Nightlight and let them know we wouldn’t be one of those couples. 

We knew immediately after the pictures miraculously appeared on my iPad that we wanted to respond to Nightlight with a very emphatic “YES!”, but we didn’t want to appear too anxious.

It isn't like we were in negotiations for a house, but We wanted the Genetic Family to think we pondered, prayed, and discussed before immediately replying.

So, over the next two days we did just that.

We pondered about how much the Genetic Father looked like Aly’s father.  

We talked about how beautiful the little girl was in the picture.  Our future child’s sister.  How lucky we would be to have a kid that healthy.

We talked about how interesting it was that our child's "mother" was an art student and the “father” worked in finance in New York City and how great that combination was.

We talked about how the picture of the family together around the table of beautiful food and happy kids ate like us. We even noticed the Genetic Parents were sharing a bottle of one of our favorite red wines.

We laughed about how they even drank like us.  

That could be us.

We had changed from seeing ourselves as the couple at the beginning of "Timothy Green", hopeless and destitute; To seeing ourselves as that couple sitting at the table, beautiful and healthy food being enjoyed by beautiful and healthy kids. 

As you can probably guess, the "yes" remained a "yes".

I knew that our days of being poked, prodded, tested, and consoled were over.

I knew that questions to Beautiful Al like “When are you going to finally start a family” would change to “When are you due?” at family gatherings.

We emailed Nighlight back after what we thought was a  customary two day waiting period.  

[upwardlife]

CHAPTER 7: Specific Miracles

Brenda:  “I thought you were trying to have a real kid, or at least one of your own.”

Cindy:  “He felt like mine from the moment I first laid eyes on him.”

-The Odd Life of Timothy Green

The next few months were busy. We had sent in our $500 dollar non-refundable application fee and a few days later Aly received a phone call from Nightlight. Aly and the woman on the phone small talked for a while and then it was down to business. 

"Are you sure you want to start this process?"  The woman on the other end of the phone asked Aly. 

They wanted to make sure we didn’t have second thoughts before cashing our cheque.  They wanted to make sure this is something we were serious about and didn’t send in money during a time of high emotion after watching a movie about adoption.  (ahem… like, say, Timothy Green…)

"We sure are."  Aly continued. "This is how we want to start our family and are feeling let in this direction."  

The next few months were a whirlwind of phone calls and emails between Nightlight, the Guam adoption agency that performed our "Home Study”, and our six references who sent in letters to Nightlight swearing we were upstanding citizens and not drug dealers or criminals. 

Even though Embryos are legally considered "property" in America, Nightlight considers them pre-born American Citizens and so we had to go through an identical process as if we were adopting a "born child" on Guam. 

In August we finally finished the first phase of our adoption process and phase 2 began by getting matched with a Genetic Couple.  Every day we waited to hear back about a match felt like an eternity.

September 2013

It was early. I wasn’t really sure how early, but given how silent it was outside and the lack of any sun coming through our window I knew it had to be earlier than 6am. I was having difficulty sleeping knowing that Aly and I were mere days away from being matched with the Genetic Parents of our children. The Adoption Agency told us this phase would probably only take one or two weeks for us even though many couples take 2-3 months to get matched and finally decide.  It had been 2 weeks.

I would have preferred they never mentioned that it would only take a couple of weeks for us and we would have been pleasantly surprised if we heard back in less than two months.

Like so many mornings when I have something on my mind I was finding it difficult to stay asleep. Lately I’ve been someone who falls asleep extremely fast, but staying asleep once I wake up and my mind starts running has been proved difficult the older I become.

Sleeping Beauty was still in dreamland beside me as I stared up at the ceiling.

I wonder where these embryos are right now… maybe Texas… I heard there’s a lot in Texas.  

God Bless Texas. 

I wonder if the genetic parents will want yearly pictures and phone calls…ugh… I hope not.  We said "contact" was ok, but that might be weird. 

I wonder how long this whole thing will take.  Why did she have to tell Alyssa that we could hear back in a couple weeks?

I wonder if we’re going to be one of the couples that get pregnant right after we get matched and finalize all the paperwork and have to back out of the adoption. 

I hope not… Is that terrible to think?

I leaned toward my nightstand and clicked the home button on my iPad. 4:05 AM.

Yeah, I wasn’t getting any more sleep.

I picked up the device and stumbled out of bed and toward our coffee maker.

I filled up our tea-kettle with water, placed it on the stove, and then scooped out my usual six scoops of ground beans and place them in the French Press.  

My favorite way to drink coffee.

As the water warmed up I did my daily routine of checking emails and the news on my iPad.

I saw we had an email from Nightlight.

I held my breath and didn't dare open it without Beautiful Al at my side.

"Possible Match" was the subject line and it contained an attachment.

I walked into our bedroom and sat next to Sleeping Beauty as I tapped her shoulder.

"Honey" I said quietly.

"yeah", she groggily responded.

"We have an email from Nightlight and I didn't want to open it without you because it's a possible match. I know it’s still early, but I thought you’d like to know."

"OK, I’m up" she said as she immediately got out of bed and followed me out to the kitchen. I took my water off the stove and poured it over the ground beans.

We sat at the kitchen table and said a quick prayer.

“God… Please make this a clear decision for us.  Don’t let this be foggy.”

I clicked “Download” on the attachment.

It was only a few moments for the download to complete, which was good, because I don’t think either of us breathed while it downloaded. I clicked the icon again and it opened onto the screen.

Aly and I both agree that as we read the 3 page letter about the Genetic Parents we felt surprised at just how good the match really was. They seemed like we were looking at ourselves in 10-15 years.

No pictures though.

We had prayed for clarity.

It was starting to feel.. foggy.

Exactly what we didn't want.

"Lord, what's going on here?" I thought to myself.

Aly and I are both extremely visual, so this was disappointing to say the least.  We had included about 15 photos in our profile… and not even one in theirs?

"Well Honey, they seem pretty perfect on paper" I said.

"Yeah, but no pictures? I’d like at least an idea of what our kids could possibly look like, plus they have 2 kids, so I’d really like to get some sort of idea.  You know… what our child’s genetic sister looks like?” she responded.

We called both our mothers, told them that we had received a possible match that seemed pretty good in black and white, but God knows how visual we both are and it really would mean a lot to us to be able to show our children their Genetic Parents one day.  

We already knew this couple did not want a meeting with our children so to be able to show them where they “came from" meant enough to us that we were considering turning down this first couple. 

We hung up the phone with Aly’s mother and sat quietly.  We were deep in thought.  Sipping our coffee and wondering if this was the family or if we should we wait.

Should we pass?

This wasn't like deciding on a new car from the dealership.  If we decided to pass, it would be permanent.  We couldn't pass on this couple, go on to the next family and say, "Actually we liked that first family better, let's go back to them."

We eventually decided to list the pros and cons of going with a couple that provided no pictures and decided that since we had specifically prayed for clarity this wasn’t going to work.  Between phone calls and discussing whether to go with this couple or not, and re-reading the profile over and over, about an hour had passed.

“Honey, what if we email Nighlight and tell them that we are really considering this couple, but we’d like some pics of the family, and especially of the Genetic Sister to our kids.  If we are able get some pics, will that be enough?” I asked.

Beautiful Al just sat there deep in thought as I stared at my computer screen.

After a long pause I asked again,

“Honey, if we are able to get some pictures of the family, will that be enough?”

She started to respond “Ye-“ and I interrupted her, “Oh-my-word….”

Now keep in mind with what follows, I am not computer illiterate.  I am a techie who was the first person I knew to own an “Mp3” player (back when they were called that) and a flip phone (back when they were cool).  I know technology and knew how to open and view PDF’s on an iPad.

What follows actually happened, and I'll remember it for the rest of my life.  

As I sat staring at the iPad’s screen, pictures began popping up.  First was two parents and two children sitting around a dining table.  Then a picture of a young boy and his year old sister came on the screen, then finally a couple of close up pictures of the young girl.  

Our child’s Genetic Sister.

“You won’t believe this, but the pictures just came onto the screen.”

Aly and I sat there dumbfounded as we stared at the screen.  It was obvious that God had wanted us to consider the couple for what they were on paper, what they were in black and white, before we ever considered physical appearances.  He wanted us to discuss and debate this family on their merits and not their looks.  

He wanted us to see them as He sees them.  

I asked Aly if pictures would be enough.  But it wasn’t her who answered back.

It was God.

There are only a few moments in my life when I can look back and say with absolute certainty, “Yes.  That is God performing a miracle in my life.”

This was one of those days.

Yeah, I know that every time I’m healed, every time I breath in air on this lonely planet in our universe, the very fact that I’m forgiven and saved by Christ are all Miracles.  

But they aren’t specific miracles for me.  

There are many people in the world today who wake up healthy, give birth to miracles, and are saved by Christ.  

I am convinced that on that day, on our entire planet, there were only two people who got to experience that moment.  

To some this may seem like a minor software glitch with an iPad or maybe the pictures just took a really long time to download.

Even a minor software glitch, perfectly timed, can be a miracle.  After all, it turned us from a “Possible Match” to a Definite Match.