Dear Justin Timberlake
Dear Justin Timberlake (honestly, if you don't know who he is, please stop reading this. Honestly, there is no point and everything I write from here on out is going to be irrelevant and ridiculous to you (don't you hate it when people write "hear" instead of "here" or "there" instead of "they're" or overuse quotation marks...oh, wait...). Seriously, though, Justin is a bit like my own personal Jesus (and not in a Depeche Mode'y kind of way, but in a very hot but also totally admirable and worshipable (just go with it) kind of way) so if you don't know who he is or if you don't happen to like him, just stop reading, because you're going to be confused and frustrated by the plethora of N'Sync references that are coming). I hope you all appreciate the level of concentration it takes to use this many parentheticals at once, especially when talking about the subject of so many of my high school masturbations (yes, I masturbated in high school, go back and read the post to Donald Glover, I was a virgin, therefore I did a lot of masturbating (not as much as the average boy my age, but a lot more than the average preacher's daughter (see the Katy Perry letter (I'm awesome by the way...this is a quad parenthetical)))),
So, Justin, first I'd like to say that you are about the most successful and attractive person out there right now, but I am pretty upset by the fact that you have stopped making music. I mean, you don't have to put out an album of sweet and sexy dance songs every year, but you could throw us a freakin bone every once and awhile, you know? You can't work with all my favorite producers (NERD, Timbaland (who's name is oddly like yours, no?)) and then give me nothing for five years. You're like the boy band Fiona Apple, dude, except that at least she doesn't tease me by wallowing in the spotlight. I understand that you're a good actor and stuff and whatever and blah blah blah...but honestly, I'm concerned that you're deaf. Seriously, have you heard what's passing for pop music out there? This is NOT okay. I appreciate that you're not responsible for the horrific ear traffic of late, but honestly, dude, just help us out a little. I would rather listen to your McDonald's jingle on repeat for a year than listen to Selena Bieber and/or Ke$ha (dude, I'm mentioning her a lot, it's embarrassing)(I'm not even getting into Waka Flaka Fame, seriously, because a lot people would take issue with the fact that I consider you responsible for hip hop too, even though you obviously have a lot of influence coming from hip hop and that you have contributed to the hip hop lexicon of late in an indisputable way, but whatever). So, on behalf of all the people that listen to you with their windows rolled way up, like they do when they listen to John Mayer, except that you're awesome and he sucks, please please please stop acting with your exes for like seven seconds and put out something, even if it's just tones or YouTube videos or sex tapes, wait, what am I talking about?
Okay, now for the (more) serious part of this letter (because, JT, I'm serious about the music, we are at critical mass, man), I have a few questions to ask you. I know that you have been in a lot of highly publicized relationships since you were a teenager. I can relate because, while I am definitely not famous, pretty much every relationship I have ever been in has been highly scrutinized and analyzed, if not by me, then by my parents. You see, I was a virgin until marriage and I'm a preacher's daughter so I am action-packed with issues (both Freudian and identity-related and atheism-related and otherwise). I am curious about your choices in girlfriends. I am most definitely not judging, seriously. I get Britney and Jessica and Jenna Dewan (yeah, I'm that kind of fan). I even get Cameron, although she has morphed into some kind of dinosaur/Jennifer Aniston (does that have two or one N?)/smile monster. My question is this: are relationships really really difficult when you have such an ambiguous identity? Here's my point: you are equally as adorable to women as you are to men, and you are also perceived as a universal sex symbol...this must make it difficult to have real relationships. To support my assertion, I give you the following: Tom Ford (btw, this is someone I WILL be writing a letter to in the future, I worship him), who is a FASHION DESIGNER but also is generally considered a "manly man" by none other than GQ Magazine. He is nearly 50 and has not settled on a woman. I am not saying this is a bad thing, I appreciate that it must be challenging to have a real relationship when there is nothing in your life that supports it. You have to remain ambiguous: if you don't you become threatening to teeny-boppers, Mormons and MILFS (arguably your target demographic (not withstanding my own opinion)).
Nonetheless, I am curious to find out whether you find this painful. I realize that your "girlfriend" of the moment is an amazing girl with an ass that rivals god's, but I've also heard about your alleged dalliances (although, if you really did hook up with Olivia Munn, bravo, I would hit that for a month of Sundays) and I wonder if that is just tabloid fodder, or if you have serious concerns about your long-term viability with Seventh Heaven. As someone who has been in a long-term relationship for my entire adult life, I can't imagine what it must be like have the entire world know when you change your mind about someone. What I can relate to is the constant scrutiny that you must feel. So I guess what I'm really asking is this: is it possible to have an honest relationship as a celebrity? Is it always a publicity stunt, or is there real feeling behind it? Can you really "cheat" on someone whom you never spend any time with?
Does it suck or is it worth it?
Also, I think you should come to Austin. It's a great place with a lot of really pretty girls (and boys) and I think it might re-energize you and interest you in music again. I have to admit, though, that I think all cool people should come to Austin because it's the most easy-going, interesting city in the South (actually all of the US, but I am trying not to invoke wrath from Brooklynites, because I think that they have the only legitimate claim to coolness right now...although I doubt it will last in this economy). We are a cool people and an accepting people, us Austinites. We also like to eat fried pickles and listen to unsigned artists. These are good things. If you don't believe me, listen to this:
http://www.myspace.com/thetrishas/music/songs/Give-It-Away-77738148
Yeah, I'm aware that myspace is ten years agp, but it's still the best way to link music (stop judging me Justin, I lost my virginity to someone a lot less suspect than Britney Spears).
Finally, I'd like to say that I'm sorry. This isn't as funny or as divergent as my previous letters. but I'd like to encourage you to take it as a compliment. You're my favorite and I respect you (even though I have it on good authority that you only eat red candy (thank's Michelle Poran)). Please come to Austin, find your muse (which may or may not be a short, fake-redhead that lives in East Austin) and record some more songs before you continue to fake-bang your ex-42 year old girlfriends in movies that costar the funniest guy of our generation (oh, yeah, you're getting a letter too Jason Segel) that, btw, I will definitely go see in the theater.
Love,
a Fan of yours (and the Muppet Show (that's a direct reference to you Jason Segel) (seriously, the number of parentheticals in this article is amazing (even for me))