Janosh in his grief era from my new vampire AU fic THE MOSQUITO! Which dropped its first chapter today. I'm really proud of it I hope you'll check it out if you like Adder being a freak, Janosh crying, and pining while standing right next to each other. Here is a snippet under the cut:
A decade ago, Janosh and Adder laid in the cradle of Osning gazing at the stars together. The wind had been warm in the springtime, and brought with it the distant scent of campfires, of camp and commander and cause. All of it utterly unimportant under the majesty of the heavens and in the quiet peace of a night spent beside his favorite person in all the world. Conversation rose from silent waters, popping bursts of thoughts, of laughter- then calm again. Janosh went back and forth between watching the sky and watching Adder. Charting constellations in his freckles. Neck, cheek and ear- Orion’s belt. The twinkle in his eyes, his northern star.
Adder caught him staring. Janosh just smiled at him, and he smiled back, and they were nothing but two grinning idiots in the dark. After a while, their smiles faded, but still they gazed, and the moment transformed into something so fragile and disarming he had no choice but to shut his eyes against the over bright radiance of it. And like a hangover, it came upon him. Made him sick, until he had no choice but to ask:
“How you wanna die, when you go?”
A snort. “Balls empty, tits in hand. Old as fuck.”
“What, just right on top of her?” Janosh said, chuckling at the visual. He could almost hear it. His groan of pleasure bleeding into a death rattle before he fell over stiff as a board, then shit himself like all dead men do- right there in bed.
“Or under,” Adder laughed, “However she wants it.” Then he asked- “You?”
Janosh didn't have to think very hard. In every moment of contentment, it lurked like a friendly shadow- the thought that then, that moment, would be a fine time to die. Janosh had never been afforded ignorance at how easily joy was lost, and so he etched his happiness into his heart. So that when he did go, he could find them again – the carved-out joy that lives inside him, the precious memories he would walk the road of recollection back to, the hovels of warmth he would die in.
So, he answered, “With a full belly,” and then, he opened his eyes and found that Adder was still looking at him. “Together.”
Something horribly soft gave way in the harsh crease of Adders brow- and there he was. His sweet Adder. Wide-eyed and loving and looking at him with such vulnerability it ached. He rolled onto his side and came closer, so close that Janosh could feel the warmth of him pressing into his side. Instinctively he slid his arm under him, wrapping around his waist and resting on the small of his back. Holding him dearly against his side.
“Doesn’t matter anyways,” Adder said, reaching out to tuck a strand of dark hair back behind his ear. “We’re never going to die.”
Janosh barked a laugh. “Oh, yeah?” jostling Adder. He threw his leg between Janosh’s, shifting until he was nearly laying on top of him.
“Yeah,” Adder grabbed his face, held him by the chin to dig his fingers into the soft meat of his cheeks. His stare was piercing. “We’re the Devils favorites. We can’t die.”
The way he said it with so much authority, so much confidence, Janosh almost thought it could be true. Maybe they’re immortal. Maybe this feeling in them, the potent, hot love that coursed through them was so strong they could subsist on it forever. For a moment, one blissful moment, he believes it. He hollows out another spot in his heart, and kisses Adder like he needs it to live.
In the silence of an early morning in Suchdol, Janosh laughs. He watches the stars dim and vanish, watches the sun rise to bathe another day in cold, horrific light- and he laughs. He shakes with it, falls apart with it, until tears are streaming down his face and he can hardly control himself. Passing patrolmen walking the ramparts cast him sidelong glances, wary of insanity in their midst, but Janosh pays them no mind. The joke is too great. So immense it threatens to split him right in half; because Adder died alone, and he will die starving.