#sobbingoverthechallah

[sobbingoverthechallah]

Sukkot VI. 20 Tishri 5780.

ברוך אתה יי אלהינו מלך העולם שככה לו בעולמו

Blessed are you, God, ruler of the universe, that such as these are in your world.

Not the usual Sukkot blessing, but it was in the Chicago Botanic Gardens and I wasn’t eating or dwelling in there. So I just said a blessing for the incredible beauty and miracles in the garden.

Chag sameach, everyone!!!!!

[sobbingoverthechallah]

(before we get into it: please do not reblog this)

This is going to be long but I don’t care because oh, you guys. Today is the one-year mark. One year ago today, I went to my first Shabbat service and started studying with my rabbi.

I’ve been crying a lot at work because it seemed like everything reminded me of what I’ve been thinking about having to give up. Singing in a church choir was one of them, actually, that I thought about the most. I know I don’t need a church to sing in a choir per se, but I still couldn’t help but feel irrationally sad.

But I think today was the day that I let some of my grief go. I realized that to a certain degree, I have sacrificed anonymity in pursuit of my truth and in pursuit of questioning and oh man is it painful. I have voluntarily let go of the safety that resides within what I can only call a culturally Xian environment and family life. I think I grieve for the loss of routine, the changing schedule, my holidays that I must celebrate alone.

But tonight, I am going to daven and sing Kab Shab and eat tofu schnitzel with some old friends and celebrate how far I’ve come because one year ago tonight, I was completely vulnerable and scared, and I had the privilege of finding people who had no problem with lifting me up and teaching me the way.

I still think my personal interpretation of theology is solidly agnostic. I do not (read: cannot) complete all mitzvot. I can’t read Hebrew to save my life. I constantly worry about not being good enough, or being too out-there for other status quo’s. I can’t allow myself to be comfortable in newer situations because of a crippling fear that there will be no transliteration in sight.

I obsess over passing. And I obsess over not passing. I obsess over whether I made the right choice to walk through this world in a very different way than how my family has in avery long time.

But I can hold my own between two worlds, and that makes me infinitely stronger than I was one year ago today. And I think that I’m going to start and look at what my name is going to be.

So: Shabbat shalom, you guys. I hope you have a good Shabbos.