#social inability

[shinyasahalo]

Are crushes REALLY about romantic attraction? What is the difference between romance the attraction and romance the culture?

How does one separate the desire for romance with the desire for a relationship?

The existence of queerplatonic relationships proves that romantic attraction is not specifically about wanting a relationship with someone.

I had my first crush when I was 7 (so it wasn't sexual) but I don't recall having a fascination with romance the culture. At the same time I wasn't repulsed by it.

I identify so strongly with the desire for emotional intimacy, but am I really aro, or a neurodivergent with social inability who prioritizes emotional intimacy over romance the way a person prioritizes food over jewelry?

It seems to me that romance is about feeling incomplete without the other person (soulmates), but I have seen people describe their QPP that way.

Later: Yes I'm aro.

[shinyasahalo]

[shinyasahalo]

Being sexually inexperienced does not mean that you are a failure.

When I was a young woman in my 20s, I was unable to have sex because of what I now know is social inability from inattentive ADHD, and I was embarrassed about that. I thought "It would be one thing if I was asexual or choosing to be celibate, but I'm not so that makes me a failure."

There was acknowledgement that slut-shaming was bad, but not enough acknowledgement that virgin-shaming is also bad. I think it's because the virgin-shaming I saw was mostly aimed at men and boys. Even so it still affected my self-esteem and increased the feeling of being a failure.

It's depressing that even in progressive circles it is common to use "virgin" as an insult against incels. Being an incel is about misogyny, not a lack of sex. That's why they will pay for sex workers but won't say anything to support decriminalizing prostitution.

Later: "Inattentive ADHD" is the closest official diagnostic, I call what I have Social Deficit ADHD.

[shinyasahalo]

"Sex is a healthy normal part of life." *And you are not a failure as a human if you want sex but are unable to do that activity. Only rapists and assaulters are failures.

*You are also still healthy and normal if you are asexual and/or you don't want sex.

[shinyasahalo]

Rant. Oversharing and talk of sex.

Do not ever refer to people who have never had sex as "innocent" or "pure." It is infantalizing.

Also do not call them "losers."

Either they don't want sex, they're not ready for it yet, or they do want sex but are unable to have it, and they are not "losers."

People who are the real failures are those who disregard consent or take a "I'm better than you" attitude. Or they spew hate at the opposite gender for not adhering to gender roles.

To be clear, being an incel is not always about being unable to have sex. If it was they would support sex work decriminalization and not be shitty to sex workers, which is not the case.

If there's anyone who knows what it's like to grow up with white privilege and being a young adult who was unable to have sex, it's me, and I hate incels and racists.

I would have paid for a male sex worker if I was able to do so. I hate that I was unable to experience sex as a young woman.

[shinyasahalo]

Somebody on Twitter was saying that "info dumping" about a special interest is how autistic people like to bond.

But for me, a person with Inattentive ADHD, my special interests are personal, and not something I would readily share IN REAL LIFE.

I am interested in public transit and the dense housing that makes that possible, and I talk about it all the time in Twitter, but that time someone tried to get me to talk about it in real life, I couldn't.

[shinyasahalo]

Talk of sex below.

A while ago on twitter the topic of polyamory came up and somebody said that “We are in a sexually open relationship, which is fine it’s only sex, nothing romantic.”

I know that most people will not comprehend that I as a woman want mutual sexual monogamy and I don’t care about romance.  A part of it is that people think romance is the defining feature of a relationship, and friendship is not.   

Because of my ND social inability I’ve had very little sex in my life (I’m 36 and I’ve only been on 4 dates that involved sex), which is a source of insecurity for me.  When I was a young woman I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted to experience sex, and it seemed like everyone else my age was having lots of sex.  

I cannot do a sexually open relationship, because it would only open for him, not me.  But because I’m aroallo, people will either don’t know what that is, or assume I’m promiscuous.    

My ND social inability aside, the fact that sex work is criminalized while the majority of sex workers are women with clients who are men, is a sign that there is still sexual inequality between genders.  

I wrote in my diary at the time that I would have given all my savings away to know what it’s like to have sex.  

[shinyasahalo]

I read that having inattentive ADHD means that you tend to avoid confrontation, and with me not only do I avoid bad confrontation, but also good confrontation, specifically when a guy I like showed interest in me, I couldn’t respond back.  Afterwards I felt like such a failure because I couldn’t do something that other people could do naturally.  

I have to constantly not give into bitterness that maybe if I had gotten the right medication and the right therapy as a child, maybe that would not have happened.    

If I had been aware of what inattentive ADHD was as a young woman, I wouldn’t have felt like I was a personal failure.