Dazai x Reader Angst to fluff
Hello readers there will be a part two. This one played a lot on existentialism.
TW: Suicidal ideation (discussed, not glorified), Mentions of emotional manipulation, PTSD and past trauma (non-graphic), Descriptions of psychological abuse (from Mori), Dark romantic themes, Recovery from toxic environments
You had known Dazai since his time in the Port Mafia.
You had seen him grow. You saw how he changed when he lost Oda.
You were there for all of it. The hard times, the good times, and the in-between.
He had asked you multiple times to commit a double suicide with him calling you a beautiful women.
You had left the port mafia shortly after he did. When Mori turned his attention to you.
You hated Mori. More then any other person you had ever met. He wasn't just manipulative, he was ruthlessly pragmatic.
In short. He was an asshole.
But not just the run of the mill duce bag, he was horrifically immoral.
You weren't scared of him. You just absolutely loathed his existence.
You stayed as long as you could, but you couldn't keep putting up with every pass he would make at you.
You were smart enough to see through his schemes as unemotional as he was.
You knew what he'd try to do sometimes before it happened. He loved you for that. He thought you were brilliant and could bring him every way he could improve.
He wanted you to be what makes him a better person. Just not in the way that would warm someones heart.
He wasn't a romantic. He was calculating. Every compliment he gave you was just him trying to get on your good side so you would help him further.
Every time he tried though it only pushed you more and more from him. He couldn't tell though, he was so blind with want. He didn't think there was a way he couldn't have you.
He was wrong though.
You had been mulling it over in your head for months. What you would do. How you would do it.
You wrote a brief letter to Chuuya apologizing, but not explaining.
Then you dropped off the face of the planet for a week. You put your plan into motion. Starting with your first several failsafes and then with the detailed threats to Mori with photographic evidence on what you would do if he came after you. Then you put in place your back up plans for when he went after those.
You were going to be what ruined the Mori Ōgai.
But only if you had to be.
With your separation from the mafia confirmed, you then set into avoiding any issues with the legal system. That took you a little while longer. You knew you couldn't just disappear. That would be too obvious..
You systematically made it seem like the person they were looking for was similar to you, but not you. You attached a separate characteristics that were just subtle enough that the police would never look at you.
Then you moved on with your life. You took a job working at a cafe book store.
Dazai would inevitable stop in one day with Atsushi.
He'd recognize you immediately and come back later to observe you. It would make him hesitate. He wouldn't know if you were there undercover or if you had actually just left.
At somepoint he would map when your breaks were and come sit with you through them asking if you would commit a double suicide with him, and then joke around.
After a while you'd start challenging him when he asked, "I don’t think someone who truly wants to disappear would try so hard to be understood. Especially when you keep showing up"
You'd stump him initially but he'd come back maybe a week later. Then continue his banter as usual.
"Sunsets don’t mean anything. But they’re still worth watching. Maybe you don't have to feel human to be worth keeping around."
He'd again pull a disappearing act.
"You didn’t walk away because you stopped being dangerous. We both are well aware of how dangerous we are still. You walked away because you wanted something better and you knew where you were at wasn't that."
You'd pique his interest. He wanted to know more about you but you played the same cat and mouse he did.
"Every time you are here you always have a delicious pastry. Those are always fleeting. Just like life. But you still want them. They still taste good."
One day he would come in with a different question. Not the typical, Do you want to commit a double suicide with me.
This time asking you, "Do you think two monsters are allowed to experience warmth together?"
You'd raise your eyebrow. He had come in quite late today, it was almost closing and it was just you two in the store. "I think anyone can experience warmth, it's not a matter of if they are allowed to. Are you asking that because of who we were and are?" He would nod lightly, "Do you want to test this theory? Run an experiment of what may only end up being a mutually assured emotional destruction?"
"Dazai are you asking me on a date?"
He'd smile cheekily, "Well unless you'd prefer a double suicid-" "Dazai-"
You'd sigh processing what he just asked of you, "What makes this one moment worth risking everything for? Why are you considering this?"
He would shrug a little bit, "Because you're the only person who has ever made me reconsider choosing death."
You would furrow your eye brows at him, this isn't some trick. It wouldn't be up his alley. He's being serious.
"What do you have in mind?"
"What I’m thinking is… just being close to you. Not for answers, or light, but because when you’re near, even the dark feels like it might bend. Like it might soften, somehow.
I don’t claim to understand it, this strange pull — maybe it means nothing. But right now, what I want is to sit in that nothingness with you, to make the silence between my tangled thoughts something less empty.
So, yeah. Let’s meet. Because in this moment, the only weight I’m willing to carry is the one you bring."
That was... awefully poetic.
"Let me close up shop and get changed. You can wait here, just so long as you don't try and attempt suicide here again."
He'd give you a nod of his head and you would race out of the room. Your heart in a knot. Is this really something you want to try.
You change quickly.
The outfit you keep in your locker for the chance of you one day agreeing to his double suicide you keep in there now being used for him in a different context.
You would pull the apron off, leaving you in your black turtle neck. You'd change out of your jeans into your dark slim pants. The ones that were flattering but not super revealing. Then you'd pull your dark read cardigan on. Your well worn black boots completing the look almost. Then you'd pull your hair into a lose pony tail, letting some of the hairs fall out and frame your face. Opting to leave any jewlery you may have out.
When you come out he would be standing looking out at the street from the inside of your quiet dark shop.
"Are you prepared to disappear into the night belladonna? You look unforgettable, almost as though you are a secret untold."
He would look up and down your outfit, and you would cast your vision down. He would step forward a finger under your chin. "Do not try and disappear from me."
Looking back up at him you would ask him, "Where are we walking to?"
He would look at you, lips not quite a smile, but you know that's beause he's being true to himself with you. "Somewhere where I can still walk beside you. Nowhere very important for any other reason."
As you leave he would hold the door for you. Then as you turned around to close the shop, he would lean on the wall beside you.
You would keep your hands in your pocket as you both start walking. "It's colder then expected."
A car would go by, the gloomy dull lighting of the street being your only lights.
"If only like pretended to be warmer all the time instead of just without warnning."
You would keep your eyes on everything but also nothing. The cracks in the street bringing a beautiful pattern for you.
"Are you haunted by your past Y/N?"
Fiddling with the inside of your pocket while looking up towards the streetlamps you would sigh, "Are you just looking for the ghosts in me to appease yours?"
He would slow his walk a little bit, his hands also in his pockets.
"I thought only I could hold this kind of haunting, you've just shown me that isn't true."
You'd nod your head, enjoying the slow beat of your feet on concrete.
"Do you think the ghosts wish us to disappear so they may live in our place?"
"Do you always flirt with death on first dates Dazai"
"It's not death who hence i'm flirting."
A light pink would dust acrost your nose and cheeks.
"Is that a blush?" he'd say stopping to turn to you.
"I've spoke much of death, but never has it led to a blush."
He'd step closer, "Careful belladonna. If you blush this easily, I may try to keep making it happen."
He'd bring a hand up softly and run the back of his finger across your cheek, "And that might be mutually dangerous."
A shiver would go up your spine, "I see, the cold wasn't the issue was it."
He'd bring his hand back, "It's funny what an impact a bit of warmth can have."
You aren't playing this game with him though. You narrow your eyes slightly at him. He would whisper a "...dangerous" to himself while looking at you.
You've unsettled him, "You don't flinch into the void do you."
Staying quiet, you'd begin walking once more.
He follows behind you and you follow the cars along the road with your eyes.
"Most would fear me or try to fix me. Why do you choose to walk beside me?"
You wouldn't respond, the dim lights radiating emptiness. "Is it recklessness or mercy?"
"Does it have to be either? Why must you draw a line between them."
You hear the buzz of a sign before you turn the corner. Then another car drives by. It's lights hurt your eyes just a bit. "I chose to walk beside someone who understands darkness better than I, it is not a reckless or merciful behavior."
You would move forward once more, the chill of the night making your nose turn red now. The sign now in the distance behind you growing darker.
"Careful that's the kind of thing that would make it hardest for my departure."
You walk slower, recognizing where you are. The next street holds your apartment.
As you walk in the comfortable silence you feel the lights becoming brighter. What a strange man he is. So deeply disturbed, yet calm non the less.
He is unlike anyone else you have ever met.
As you approach your complex's steps you'd stop and look back to him, "Thank you for walking me back."
He would nod, "I hope to be able to walk with you again."
You'd nod your head slightly and he would reach forward almost as though to brush your cheek again, however this time he stops himself half way forward.
"Sleep well belladonna."
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This continues for a few more days. Each walk a different type of depth.
Until one day while in the shop you ask him, "Why do you long so much for a death that may not want you?"
His eyes would search yours for the butt of the joke, then he would frown, " Who's to say there is life that does?"
"Why do you pull away from me, is this not what you were hoping for?"
He would sigh, "Why go under when you can disappear."
"Who says being with me will put you under?"
He would put his hand under his chin at your cafe bar. "You are dangerous, we both are."
"And yet I still long for your company on my walks home."
He would twist his flat lips growing more pinched. "You want me to stay."
You would stop wiping up the counter and throw the rag down, "I do."
He would sit up straighter, "That may be the hardest thing I have yet to do."
You lean forward on the counter, "Then it's a good thing I will be doing the same."
With this he stands up and walks out of the shop. You are left questioning if that just ended your walks, or if he'll be coming back
The day is slow. slightly foggy. Some intermittent rain.
By the time you're closing you see him outside leaned against the wall.
"I'm glad you came back" you say while locking the door.
"So am I."
The walk back to your house is silent. Something must be wrong.
As you approach your apartment you do something you hadn't before. You invite him in.
As you walk him in removing your coat for the wrack by the door, you guide him in to your living room.
He takes a seat down on your couch and you decide to ask, "Dazai...what's going on?"
He'd be silent. His hands together but unmoving, "I am tired...of pretending."
You'd kneel down to look up at his face tilted towards the floor. "Then don't."
He's quiet for a while and you consider asking if he wants coffee until he speaks up first.
"Thank you...for stopping me from disappearing."
You would release a sigh you didn't know was kept.
"I'll do it as many times as necessary."
She'd reach her hand out and lightly brush along his jaw. The electric tingles brining her warmth before she puts her forehead against his lightly.
"i'm here as long as you need me."
Link to pt. 2 below
💬 0 🔁 0 ❤️ 1 · Dazai x reader pt.2 angst to fluff (now to smut) · This is a soft, emotional hurt/comfort piece featuring Dazai Osamu and a
