short lil fluffy oneshot in which klaus teaches five how to be a normal person.
“I guess it’s alright.” Five mumbles, taking another drink of the cup in front of him. “Not worth four dollars though. Who pays four dollars for a god damn cup of coffee?” The barista swallows. “We have um- we have different blends.” She stumbles, grabbing another cup. “That was pike place. How about Sumatra?” She asks with a little more confidence. Five rolls his eyes and fishes out his wallet. “Better be decent.” The barista stops him and points to the tip jar subtly. “On the house, sir. Until we find a coffee that suits you.” She smiles, scribbling a number five on a cup and filling it. She passes it over, and Klaus, who’s been silent the entire time, watches, wide-eyed. Five takes a sip and blinks. “This one tastes like post-apocolyptic shit.” Klaus can’t help but laugh. The barista just shakes her head. “Thanks for trying.. Amber.” He smiles, dropping a few ones in the tip jar. “Maybe you’ll like the Colombia?” She suggests, pouring another cup. Five takes a sip, and frowns. Not the one. “Something stronger, maybe?” Klaus offers. Amber smiles and pours a new cup. “French Roast.” She mumbles.
And finally, just like that. The stars have aligned, mercury is out of retrograde, and Five Hargreeves has found a decent cup of coffee. He’s silent for a few moments, and both Klaus and Amber are waiting impatiently. “It’s- It’s good.” He shrugs, taking another drink. “Does it come in a larger size?” He asks. Amber smiles and grabs a bigger cup. “Of course.”
“Okay..” Klaus says, crossing off find a decent cup of coffee from the list. “Now there’s just... Go on a date, have your first kiss, and get out of that damn school uniform.” Klaus laughs. Five rolls his eyes. “I don’t need any of those things except for the last.” He says, opening the door to a menswear store. “Dude! It’s like a bucket list ‘cept you’re like living. You have to!” Klaus begs, following him into the store. “A- a fuck-it-list!” He yells. Everyone in the store stares. “Sorry. Sorry.” He mumbles. Five shakes his head and begins browsing. “What do the folks wear these days?” He asks, running his fingers through the racks. He pulls a pair of black slacks from a shelf and holds them up. “These?” He asks. Klaus shrugs and points to his skirt. “Fair.” Five mumbles.
Ten minutes later he’s changed into a pair of black joggers, a white t-shirt and denim jacket with a little help from the sales person. “Is this what people who don’t have to save the world do?” Five stares at himself in the mirror and gags. “I don’t know, I’m not usually sober.” Klaus says, paying the sales person. “Ready dude?” He asks. Five nods and the two exit. Most people are probably wondering why a grown man and prepubescent teen are hanging together, but Klaus and Five know, they just don’t care.
“What about her?” Klaus points his spoon towards a blonde. Five takes another bite of his frozen yogurt and shakes his head. “Don’t you think sitting outside of a boarding school is a little weird?” Five asks. Klaus shrugs, and points to another girl. “Nope.” Five murmurs. Klaus sighs dramatically, and throws his cup into the trash can. “You’re impossible. Always hung up on that fucking mannequin.” Five scoffs, and begins scanning the school yard himself. “She’s… interesting.” He points. “Dude. That’s a teacher.” Klaus pretends to stick a finger down his throat. “And her?” Five points again. Klaus sits up a little straighter “Yeah, her?” He asks. Five nods. “She’s pretty! Go say something!” Five grumbles something, and stands up. He swallows, looks at Klaus, at the girl, and back at Klaus again. “What do I even say? I’m almost a 60 year old man.” He asks, he won’t show that he’s becoming more and more anxious and insecure, but Klaus isn’t dumb— he can tell. “Just say you’re new to the area, and your dad, that’s where I come into play, is wondering if he should enroll you in this school. You’re 14, a freshman, and Five was your late mother’s lucky number.”
“Um- Hello.” Five practices, walking up to the girl. “Hey, what’s up? Hey, are you a student here- obviously, she’s a student here.” It’s a short walk, and his rehearsal time is cut in half when she approaches him. “Hey! You’re not a student here.” She crosses her arms, and just like she knows what he’s going to say, “I’ve been watching you and—” She points to Klaus feeding a pigeon, “Watching us. What’s with it?” Five shrugs, and sits down on a bench, she doesn’t hesitate to sit next to him. “New to the area, scouting out a few schools. I’m a freshman.” He says, just like Klaus had told him too. “Oh. Cool. I’m Tessa.” She holds out her hand and adds that she too— is a freshman. “Five.” He says, shaking it. Tessa doesn’t question why that’s his name, and he likes that.
Not even an hour later and he’s leaving with her number. “Private tour.” He announces, holding the sticky note up. “All right!” Klaus claps, standing up and giving Five a hug. It’s not reciprocated, but Klaus didn’t expect it to be. “When? Tonight?” He asks pulling away. Five nods. “I’m supposed to meet her here at 7.” He says. Klaus is still smiling. “Klaus..” Five says, his smirk falling off his face. “I’ve never been on a date.” He mumbles. Klaus’ smile also falls. “Right, on account of there only being postapocalyptic mannequins. Don’t worry, Deigo and I will help you.” Klaus reassures him.
Sure enough, Klaus is dressed in one of Allison’s Givenchy dresses, a tiara, and a blonde wig. “I’m Tessa, ok? And Diego, is our waiter.” Klaus says. Diego rolls his eyes but continues to play along. “I’m really indecisive.. Do you recommend anything?” Klaus asks in a high-pitched voice. Five swallows, “I uh, I’ve only been here a few times. The Cedar Salmon is really good though.” He says. “Okay, don’t make small talk! Tell her you’re nervous to be in such a big, new place.” Klaus says. Five nods. “It’s uh- a different world here. Y’know, more immature?”
When Klaus and Diego decide he’s ready, there isn’t much time left. An hour until he has to meet Tessa. He tries to dress up, a white button up, some black slacks. Allison gives him a hug at the door, and Klaus kisses his cheek. The Umbrella Academy feel like proud parents, although Five is technically twice their ages. Even Luther wishes him luck. “You look great dear,” Grace says, opening the door for him. Five might have thrown up a little bit in his mouth, but he was appreciative.
Tessa smiles softly as Five approaches her, and because he doesn’t smile, he smirks. “Hey.” She says, looking him up and down. “So, would you rather the tour first— or um, dinner?” She asks, not as confident as her greeting. Five shrugs, and forces his hands into his pockets. “It’s up to you. I mean, I could eat.” And so that settles it. Five knows that most fifteen year old boys aren’t heirs to a billion dollar fortune, so he takes her to a little diner. “You ever been here before?” He asks, sliding into a booth. She takes a seat across from him, and takes a look at the menu. “Yeah. I think so.” She smiles into the menu, avoiding eye contact. This is awkward for both of them. Two strangers on an impromptu date. “I actually kind of feel like some pancakes.” He laughs, glancing over the menu once more. “Yeah. Pancakes.” He smiles. Tessa clears her throat when the waitress stops by. “I’ll have the um—” She looks at Five and then at the waitress. “The bottomless short stack, no meat. With fruit instead of hashbrowns, and scrambled eggs. Oh! And a coffee, black.” She winks at Five and hands the waitress her menu. Five hands her his, and shrugs. “I’ll have the same actually, except an extra side of fruit instead of eggs. And coffee, black.”
“No meat, huh? Or eggs? You vegan?” Tessa asks, taking another bite. Five nods, finishing his second cup of coffee. “Yeah, yeah. No animals to provide in a postapocalyptic world.” He laughs. Tessa blinks. “A what?” She asks, putting her fork down. “Oh god dammit. Forget it.” He mutters, staring at his plate. “It- it was a joke.” Tessa shakes her head and picks her fork back up. “Didn’t sound like one, but whatever.”
And this is it. The moment Five has realized that he has fucked up his first date. One sentence and it’s ruined. “No. I just have a fucked sense of humor. I care a lot about the environment.” He smiles. Tessa shrugs, taking a bite. “Sounds like you’re pretty prepared for the apocalypse then.” She grin. Five nods, taking another drink of his coffee. “I guess, yeah. Even though it probably won’t be for awhile.” He laughs in his head because he knows it’s true. “Yeah. Kind of scary. I don’t know. I’m not worried.” She says. Five just shakes his head. He can’t tell her that he saved the world from ending. At least not yet. The rest of dinner is spent making small talk, and Five cracking the occasional joke. He learns that even when he’s not funny, Tessa still smiles, and her smile is beautiful. If she’s confused, she furrows her eyebrows together until it’s cleared up. And when they’re walking back to the school, she holds back her shivers, because in her mind, being cold is weak. Five offers her his jacket anyways, and she gladly takes it.
“You’re not actually gonna go to my school. Are you?” She stops in front of the entrance, Five shakes his head. “No. Actually my brother, the one I was with? Wanted me to go on a date with someone. The someone I chose, turned out to be really cool.” He grins. Tessa smiles, and looks at the door. “So if you’re not gonna go here, we can break in?” She suggests. Five swallows, and pulls out a few bobby pins from his pocket. “Is it weird I’m always prepared to break in somewhere?” He asks, kneeling down and fumbling with the lock. “A little. Am I weird for suggesting we break into my school?” Tessa responds. Five opens the door for her, and enters behind her. “I don’t know. It depends why you wanted to break in in the first place.” He says, closing the door behind them. “Because I’d rather kiss you where it’s warm.” She whispers, standing up on her tippy toes and kissing his cheek.
“No, I call bullshit. There’s more to it than a peck on the cheek.” Five rolls his eyes. Tessa winks, and begins her way down the hallway. Five follows suit. They come to a glass door at the end of one of them, and Tessa punches in a code. It’s filled with green, and pinks, and reds, and blues. All of the colors five could imagine, in every type of plant. “It’s..” He starts looking around, trying to figure out a word. “Magnificent. It’s magnificent.” He smiles. Tessa takes his hand, and begins pulling him around the conservatory, explaining the plants. “This ones a Mimosa pudica. When you touch them gently, they close. They’re very ticklish.” She says, taking five’s hand and using his pointer finger to gently caress the leaves. Sure enough, they close. “I like this one.” He says, marveling at the small purple blossoms. Tessa smiles, and pulls him towards another one. “This is our Wisteria vine. It’ll have to go outside soon and it’s going to be the most beautiful. I saw the one in Japan when I was younger, and fell in love.” She says, petting the leaves. “Beautiful. Like you.” Five accidentally blurts. Tessa smiles. “All of them. Everything in here- it’s beautiful.” He says, his fingers finding Tessa’s. “Thanks.” She mumbles. Five turns to look at her, his eyes wide. “You did this?” He asks. Tessa nods, and continues around the conservatory. “Really?” She nods again. “Not completely by myself. I’m the president of botany club. We’ve only got four members, but I’m trying to grow it.” She says. Five scrunches his face up, and picks up a fallen flower. In an attempt to be suave, he tucks it behind her ear. “You know, if I went here. I’d be member number five. Just like my name.” He grins. “Hm. I’m sure we could work something out.” She smiles. And because he doesn’t know what he’s doing, Five kisses her. It’s quick. Neither of them can really get into it. And then Tessa reaches up, wraps her arms around his neck, and kisses him again. This time it’s different. Longer, more enjoyable, and proving their compatibility. “Maybe..” she starts, pulling away. “Maybe we could do this again sometime.” She finishes. Five bites his lip, and nods, kissing her again.
