#solacewood

[solace-and-sunflowers]

We sat down for breakfast. You watched me take a sip of my coffee, black, and you noticed. You asked. I added cream after, feeling your twinkling eyes watching my every move.

I watched you smoke your cigarette. I watched the way you pinched it out and I could still tell you which pocket of that yellow jacket you put it in.

You pointed to the 2nd-nicest restaurant in town and when I told you what it was, you said you'd like to take me there someday.

I went there the night you broke it off. With my sister. It wasn't the plan. I sat at the window across from that old hotel. New Year's Eve.

I thought I'd be stronger.. I thought it'd be easier to forget if I never opened myself to you. But it's worse. It's worse knowing how much light you filled my life with. It's worse knowing that I didn't do the same for you. I never knew how much someone could mean to me. And I'll never see you again. My Lighthouse on the coast. I hope sometimes you smoke a cigarette in the wind and you think of me. I can't do anything without you crossing my mind.

MMXXV.IV.XII

[solace-and-sunflowers]

I live in my head. Occasionally I visit the world. Today, I saw the clouds. They were beautiful. My friend jokingly asked if it was my first time outside today -- in a way, it was.

- solace wood

MMXXIV.IV.XVI

[solace-and-sunflowers]

I could have kissed you.

On top of that sunset-lit train.

I got scared as you were running and I climbed back down.

The sun looked brilliant

So did you.

And you were so bothered

But you were so gentle

It was perfect.

I could have kissed you, but I didn't.

Really, I couldn't.

But the way you looked at me last night -- we both knew

That something has changed now.

I got your secret message.

That waterlogged book we found,

That thing we found in Hell,

The pictures of us on that footbridge...

Us climbing that wall.

You wanted to tell me that I could have tried harder,

But when I looked at you, your whole body softened

Your eyes were so tenderly watching

My every move

Was slow and careful

I drove you home

And as the feelings faded,

I realized how foolish I've been.

But your message in a musical bottle found its way to me

And I woke up to shivering chills.

And your eyes told me the truth,

Just like they always do.

...

- solace wood

MMXXIV.IV.X

[solace-and-sunflowers]

I love my friends. They're family to me. I can see myself sending their children Christmas gifts 20 years from now. Visiting in the summer or during the holidays 10 or 30 years in the future. They're my village. They've saved my life -- in some ways more literal than others. There's nothing else to say. They are the gravity that holds me to the Earth. Without them, I know I could make new friends, but I could never replace them. If we lose touch, I'll cherish all of our memories for the rest of my life. They've given me my favourite years since I met them... despite, or perhaps by design, knowing me through some of my hardest moments. I hope I make them feel loved. There's nothing else to say.

MMXXIV.VIII.XXX

[solace-and-sunflowers]

I had a revelation last night about some recent events. I realized that despite making mistakes and being embarrassed and having some minor regrets, the people involved don't hate me.. they've also made mistakes. We're all just living and learning. They liked me leading up to my mistakes and my mistakes didn't make them like me less. And maybe the things I did weren't even mistakes... they're just things that I wouldn't do again. I was naïve until the very moment I made a choice, and then I learned. And it happened in a cyclical series of events. And I'm wiser now. And that's just life.

[solace-and-sunflowers]

Oh? I think I'm in love, actually.

[solace-and-sunflowers]

I hate that I can see my reflection in your eyes. I'm starting to see why you didn't like me at first.

MMXXIV.III.XVI

[solace-and-sunflowers]

Everything I noticed about you was something to notice. Everything about meeting you felt like something stronger & softer than coincidence. Each new small thing fit together less like a puzzle that had been cut apart and fit back together and more like a well-directed film that was unraveling before me. Not like gaps but something else.. like you were filling the space in between the sand of my life. Not one piece at a time, but in small areas all at once. My understanding for the world changed from you and your patience and care. I feel like grass hidden under a flowerpot that has suddenly been exposed again. I feel green now.. but I don't know where you've gone and this world is much bigger and more frightening than I knew before. And more wonderful. I'll never be the same... and I don't know what that means. But I miss you.

XXII.III.MMXXV