This is the only question in my inbox that I’m going to give the time of day right now - to the rest of you kindly fuck yourselves.
Catherine is an amazing, sweet, caring beautiful woman with a heart of gold who is a catch and a half. She’s witty and funny and sarcastic as fuck and everything someone could ask for in a partner.
She’s also at a different point in her life than I am.
I broke things off with Cat because I realized that I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to be committed to being with her for the rest of my life when I had no idea who I was outside of my relationship with her. When Cat and I first started dating I was a 16 year old who was just coming out of a really bad time in my life and just starting to learn about who I was outside of that place.
Cat helped me to become the person I am today. I could never, ever have achieved the things that I have in the last (almost) three years that I did if not for her. She taught me to love. She taught me how to take care of myself. She taught me a million and one things that I would have been too stubborn to even begin to learn if I didn’t have her introducing them to me.
But I don’t know who I am outside of that. I don’t know how to be alone or how to do all of those things without her here.
This next year for me is all about crazy new experiences and learning who I am outside of “Cat and Sydney”. It’s about learning to be whole without someone so that the person that I end up being with and I can exist in a way that we live parallel to one another. I don’t know who that will be with be it Catherine or someone completely new I’ve never experienced yet... I don’t know what the next year looks like, but I’m kind of excited to find out.
I hate that I hurt Cat. I hate that in all of my self discovery she feels like I’ve jumped ship - she’s not wrong in any of this. I am so sorry to her.
So much of me wishes that I was ready for what she’s ready for. She’s the perfect catch. I’m just not there yet though. I need to be somebody before I can be somebodies.
Once you get this you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly, then send it to 10 of your favourite followers (non-negotiable). Be positive!
C'mon Cat, really?
1. I have really cool eyes, green and brown, but my eyes change color usually.2. I am a pretty good athlete. I used to play hockey, basketball and compete in martial arts. 3. I am funny? I think.4. I will always try my best and you'll get one banging product from me. Be it a story, a photoshoot or a sketch.5. I write pretty good songs. I think.
I want 5 bajillion things you like about me because finals week sucks
or like 10, 10 would work
Ladies and gentleman, my dork. While I'm sure I could rant about you for five bajillion things, sweetie, I'll stick with 10.
Your hair
When you laugh at dumb things I do
That you religiously wear your promise ring even though it's broken and we really need to get it fixed.
You're growing your bangs out <3 <3 <3 <3
I really like your nose and booping it.
The way you always hold my hand when we drive
ALSO that you always sing to me when we drive
You let me clean your room to avoid crying over leaving.
Forehead tisses.
Oh god, okay so this one is more I really like your family a whole bunch even when they do things like suggest I shower with you while I'm drunk and they know everyone is awake and then thank me for conserving water the next day yup. I love them a bunch.
so like you're ridiculously pretty and amazing and wonderful and completely awesome and I can't think of anymore adjectives but I love you a lot and like... I had a question and I forgot it so... 5 moments where you were like "why the hell am I dating this person"
When you threw a fucking pie in my face
When you shoved me into the god damn crack between your bed and the wall and proceeded to lay on top of me for 2.5 hours.
That time you told me I wasn't allowed to have a lion.
Really anytime you tell me I can't have a lion
Once you said you were going to dye your hair again and I almost broke up with you does that count?
5 songs that remind you of us
uhm can I just do five Tswift songs that remind me of us because that's all I've listened to for like two weeks.
Wonderland - Taylor Swift Didn't you calm my fears with a cheshire cat smile?
In Love - Taylor Swift Pauses and says, you are my best friend.
The Girl - City and Colour I wish I could do better by you cuz that's what you deserve
Emmylou - Vance Joy You wear your socks to bed, That's what I do. Oh c'mon sleepyhead, get yourself to bed.
5 seems to be the theme today, so first 5 moments you realized you loved me
Just five????? Okay
When we first started dating, like literally a week after? Maybe even before, I'm not sure, we were so close it's hard to differentiate before we started officially dating and after, anyway. It was before we started sleeping on skype together - you went to bed about 10 minutes before I woke up from a night terror. I couldn't breathe and I signed onto skype hoping you'd be there. When you weren't I begged J to call you and you picked up first ring and asked him if something was wrong because you couldn't fall asleep and you felt like there was something bad. We joked around after I'd calmed down about being soulmates, but that was the first moment I really knew I was done for.
Oh god, okay so this time is one of those - really? REALLY? moments where you're going to think I'm crazy. But we were fighting over directions as we drove the wrong way down lakeshore trying to get to a dinner with your family that we were already late for and I was anxious and it was my fault we were late because I begged you to go into the city to find some hole in the wall record shop for your sister so I could get her vinyl so she wouldn't hate my guts and you totally knew that we were going to hit traffic and you told me so but I begged you and you gave in and then we got lost and I was so mad because you were supposed to know where we were going and you were mad because I was the one with the GPS and I just looked over at you and we both started laughing our asses off because seriously? And eventually we made it to dinner and Stefanie was pissed and James was tired and low and Michael was Michael but in the end it was a really good dinner and you let me share a meal with you because I felt terrible about how much it cost and you knew that so we both didn't eat enough food because I don't know how to accept kind gestures and I just remember leaving the restaurant with your hand in mine looking at you thinking that I couldn't possibly love you more than in that moment.
When you showed me starwars.
THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN WE WERE TALKING ABOUT KIDS SHOWS AND I BASICALLY LAID OUT THAT CANADA OWNS YOUR CHILDHOOD YOU WERE SO CUTE AND DISTRAUGHT
Every single day I wake up to you, be it beside me or on skype, I fall more in love than I thought possible. I never believed that I deserved someone so inherently good and honest and caring. You make me a better me, and for that, my love, I can never thank you enough. You're the reason my heart is big enough to fall more in love with you every day. It's this weird cycle of a whole lot of loving. I think I'll keep you.
ARE YOU READY SYDNEY? 10 FAV CAT THING, 5 TIMES YOUVE STARED AT HER IN WONDER, 5 TIMES YOUVE STARED AT HER IN DISBELIEF, 10 SEX STORIES, 10 CANDER MOMENTS CAT WONT TELL US ABOUT, 20 QUIRKS OF CATS THAT YOU LOVE, 10 SAYINGS YOU TWO HAVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, 10 WEIRD THINGS CAT DOES, 10 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU ABOUT CAT AND FINALLY 10 ANYTHING GOES JUST TALK ABOUT CAT FOR TEN SENTENCES GO GO GO
Holy shit you guys, seriously? Okay. I'm doing this while watching Iron Man with Catherine so like... sorry if I make no sense.
10 FAV CAT THINGS,
Guys I'm just super in love with everything about her, come on.
Okay, for real. I love her eyes. I could just watch them forever. They're so expressive. She get's super into something and her eyes lock on it and she gets so superduper into it.
How selective she is about the people she lets in. She opens her heart completely to the people she does want in her life though, and I love it. I love being one of those people.
She says that she doesn't make friends easily, but she does. She just hasn't had the best luck with people she lets in. She has a tendency to attract "broken" people. They want to feed off her giving personality. She talks about how she's only friends with my friends -- but that's cuz I bring good people into her life who usually end up liking her more than me.
She's my Pepper Potts.
She always says she has no stories but then comes up with the best stories ever.
We have date nights, like tonight, where we put a movie on and say that we're on a date, but usually we're doing our own thing (she's reading fanfic right now and I'm doing this.)
She was the first person to actually understand that I literally am Tony Stark
guys she does this lil nose scrunch that's the cutest thing ever
Her family is everything to me. Actually everything. Don't talk to me about it. I'll cry.
5 TIMES YOUVE STARED AT HER IN WONDER
The first time we skyped. I couldn't stop looking. God she was (and is even more so today) so fucking beautiful.
The first time she fell asleep on skype with me. Just like... she trusted me enough to sleep with the camera on.
Everytime she calls me babygirl because honest to god my heart skips a beat
After our first time. She was so fucking perfect. She wouldn't do something unless I did it first and I wouldn't do it unless she said it was okay and it was just awkward and perfect and amazing
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE TONY HEARD PEPPER SAY HIS NAME WHEN HE WAS BEING TORTURED AND I NEVER KNEW THAT BEFORE I AM SOBBING
5 TIMES YOUVE STARED AT HER IN DISBELIEF,
Once she told me that she liked my bowling underwear and two weeks later I realized that meant she was staring at my ass and I stared at her for like 20 minutes
Whenever she ignores me and then complains when I don't tell her i love her back in like .2 seconds
WHENEVER SHE CHEATS AT THE FIVE SECOND GAME
Everytime she recites back something I didn't think she knew or remembered about me
whenever she doesn't think she's good enough
10 SEX STORIES,
guys come on Cat's mom follows me, seriously????? I'll answer these at the very end under a read more.
10 CANDER MOMENTS CAT WONT TELL US ABOUT,
She took me to the cultural centre once and she danced with me to blues music
every night she whispers things to me in her sleep. I don't think she knows that.
sometimes we whisper our favourite things about each other before bed.
She is obsessed with my hair. I suggested cutting it short again and she almost cried.
Idk if this counts, but Cat has a few phobias that are really really bad and I'm determined to help her manage how bad they are. I've been doing a lot of research on how to help contain them and make it easier to deal with so that's something that's gonna be a thing we work on together.
20 QUIRKS OF CATS THAT YOU LOVE,
20? You guys are assuming Cat is a very quirky person.
she hmmmm's at me when she's not paying attention
She NEEDS to have her homework done before she falls asleep
Sometimes I'll like, run my thumb across her lip and she'll bite it?
She's literally a cat
Like you don't understand, she like practically purrs when I scratch behind her ear
I can put her to sleep by playing with her hair and running my fingers across her forehead
She snores like, loudly sometimes, but other times it sounds like she's purring in her sleep
She likes Batman better than Iron Man and we've almost broken up over it.
She's so invested in Teen Wolf fanfiction.
She plays with her hair when she's nervous
She plays with my hair when she's relaxed
SHE WON'T BE MY BIG SPOON EVER.
She quotes movies at me (mostly iron man)
She wants to kill me 90% of the time because i'm literally tony
I don't even know if these are quirks anymore.
She takes things that people try to hand to me.
SHE POUTS SOMETIMES AND IT BREAKS MY HEART I CANT BREATHE OR EVER SAY NO WHEN SHE POUTS
She does this thing with her voice when she wants something (or me.) and it's hot as hell
She'll send me random info on fanfics sometimes and it has no context and it's so funny.
She buys me things she sees that make her think of me -- even if I DONT WANT HER TO
10 SAYINGS YOU TWO HAVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP,
FIVE SECONDS I WIN
you fuckin' dork.
don't call me a dork
but baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaby
well medallion says that's a dumb idea so we're not going to do that
ignores me for hours on end and then WANTS MY ATTENTION FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES WITHOUT PAUSE
doesn't sleep sometimes
eats yummy foods and trys to make me eat them too (CUZ NO MEAT HOW DOES SHE LIVE?)
Guys I'm running out of energy. I'm just completely in love with everything she does and how she does it come on give me a break here okay? 100 is a lot.
10 THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU ABOUT CAT
- nah, she's too cute to be annoying.
AND FINALLY 10 ANYTHING GOES JUST TALK ABOUT CAT FOR TEN SENTENCES
Uhm.
okay how about a dear cat letter?
Dear Catherine:
You are my pepper pots, my nala, my heart. A man once said, you are the oxygen in my lungs - nothing is more accurate than that. You take better care of me than my parents, treat me better than anyone who's ever been in my life before you and you've brought more joy and happiness to me than I could have ever believed I deserved. You push me to be the absolute best I can be, and for that, I'm already living a better life than two years ago. I know that we don't always agree on everything, and that you worry about me, but you need to know that as long as I have you at my side, nothing can hurt me. I will always stand tall and strong with your support. I love you with absolutely everything in me. Every cell of my body thrums with energy that is completely in tune with you. I am so in tune with you that I can't imagine what my life was like before you. I love you so much Catherine Swan. I can't wait to share my life with you. Every last crazy minute of it baby.
Oh look 10 sex things. MOMMA S PLEASE. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT. DO. NOT. READ. THIS. PLEASE. I CAN'T. JUST. CAT AND I HAVE SEX OKAY? I'M SORRY THAT I DEFLOWERED YOUR DAUGHTER. I PROMISE SHE WAS A VIRGIN BEFORE ME. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MAKES IT BETTER OR WORSE. I LOVE YOU. I AM SO SORRY. IT'S REALLY GOOD IF THAT MAKES IT ANY BETTER BUT LIKE IT DOESN'T PLEASE DON'T READ THIS LIST.
1. Cat and I have a kink list2. We had sex in a Nordstrom changeroom once3. the first time we had sex with a strap on I had heat stroke and didn't remember it for like 3 months. 4. Once Cat tied me up and fucked me from behind into the mattress and it was glorious. 5. 99/100 times I'm the top.6. Like, my fav positions are: 1) Riding Cat while she has the strapon on and 2) Riding Cat's face7. I tie Cat up a lot and damn it's hot8. We've been slowly working our collection up9. Once I left a huge hickey under Cat's boob and she didn't notice it till two weeks later when her bra was super painful oops. 10. Cat despises when people say making love. Like actually refuses to say it. So she refers to all of our sex as fucking but like, I don't think what we do could be classified as fucking because it takes way too much trust and love and communication. Fucking is basic needs. We're so in touch and so in sync with one another that I don't think I'll ever be able to call what we do fucking. She's so much more than just another girl I add to my list. She's never going to just be a fuck. She's my girl.
You push things to the side until they build up to the point that you can't ignore them, but then you break down and they keep getting higher and you get lower. So i guess what worries me is that when you get bad you shut down and it gets harder for you to do every day stuff. It wouldn't be so bad if I was there and I could help but I'm not so it just sucks because a lot of the time I feel like I'm watching and I can't do anything.
Also. You are a white attractive female living in a big city. I worry.
