recently has been a hell of a ride in terms of who's fronting and co-consciousness and my mental state n such. overall though, i've got a newfound or at least just a steadfast revival of my optimism and hopefulness in regards to life itself! i've been moving forward from what pains me and now i'm determined to invest in my life/future and just try to live 'normally' as i've always wanted to.
of course i anticipate my mental burdens won't entirely fade away and i know i will really have to try my best to push back from succumbing to complacency or pain. but i feel the strength to keep moving forwards and not dwell on my recent struggles more than i need to. i will still mourn over what i've lost and the horrible things i've gone through, but i feel impartial enough where i can look back at a safe distance and not want to sink deep into a despaired feeling. i also feel i'm able to try my best to process things or at least use my awareness to know how most bad things or behaviors have affected me.
interms of headmates and that topic, i've been learning new things about Us and having a lot of new experiences that are helping me get a bit more comfortable with the fact that i do have alters/headmates and facts such as that regarding plurality.
alot of the stuff i've been going through has been through feeling within my mind, but in recent days i've felt things more forwardly. just in the past couple of days, me (♪) and ☁ have gotten to fully front and that's been a little blurry/blended but one time it was defined much more than i ever experienced! me and her got a chance to, for the lack of a better way to explain, got to speak in our voices. like We (us as a person/collective, how we portray ourselves in public or with others) have our natural voice, a formal/masking voice, and a silly one we do, etc. but this time it sounded distinct, but it also Felt different. it felt like that headmate was actually talking out of Our mouth and it didn't really feel like there was a filter that kept us (♪+☁) from expressing our actual thoughts.
seems ☁ has a tender and higher voice compared to Ours. mine (♪) was a bit similar to Our natural voice, it was only slightly deeper, though it was rougher and the intonation was different.
Our mind seems to doubt everything, and surprisingly it wasn't as vocal about that when we fronted. or it was a brief thought that ☁ helped brush off and reassured me about. Our mind/a part of me (♪) also tends to bring me down and say that "you're acting just like [toxic person from my life]" or brings up a memory about that person i wish not to recall. thankfully ☁ brushed off those thoughts and even talked outloud when reassuring me (♪) which was a nice experience in many ways for both of us...
another thing that's been nice is how we've been dressing! we've been feeling really androgynous which has been super nice and also gender affirming. i've also started doing that whole 'lanyard hanging from a pocket' look that i've always admired- and i have to say i absolutely love it, and ithink it lives up to the hype i've always held in Our mind. it looks cool to me and for some reason its gender affirming to me too which is a pleasant bonus; i look cool and i feel cool! i'm going to keep doing it! i drew them in my ootd drawings above cause i just couldn't leave out that coolness.
speaking of ootd, i really want to keep doing them! i've been saving and procuring art and artists that inspire me with their style and technique, and an artist that stands out to me alot draws outfits that she wears! also the way she draws clothes and people is just so peak.. i want to draw more humans and i wish to draw Myself more too! and to be honest ithink drawing clothes and shoes in a semi-realistic style like hers would be a great place to be in with my art. in terms of goals, i want to always keep my cartoony/dynamic style while being able to portray real life things/clothes and people in an understandable way that's similar to how it appears. so yes i'd like to make my artstyle just a little more realistic but not too much. wink. i also have separate goals interms of my paintings, but that's a story for another time. o_<
