Please tag as solemnlyswear. I have been struggling majorly with the idea of divorce. My husbad went through getting clean off of drugs and it was hard on me to watch and go through. I no longer feel the same as I once did before we got married. I almost called the wedding off a week before it happened. Now he is telling his family personal things between us and making me look awful. I no longer sleep in the same bed or show affection. My anxiety is terrible. I just don't know what to do.
Hi love,
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through something so tough right now. I am glad that you felt able to reach out to us here at MHA and I hope I’ll be able to give you a little bit of reassurance and advice!
Your first option is to sit down with your husband and discuss how you are feeling and the things you want to change. If saying it out loud is too hard, you could maybe try writing it all down in a letter and sitting with them whilst they read it? I realise you may have tried to talk to them about this before, but if you make it clear that this is serious and you need them to listen to you, hopefully, they will pay more attention. If sitting down alone with them is not something you feel comfortable doing, then maybe you could look into marriage/couples counselling? Or if that isn’t an option, maybe involving a neutral person like a family friend into the conversation could be helpful.
If they are unwilling to listen to you and make an effort to change their behaviour then although it may be hard, I think cutting ties with them, both in person and online could be a good step forward here - they have no right to have such a hold over you, and breaking this hold will hopefully allow you to move onward and upwards! I realise that this will be incredibly hard and is a decision that only you can make - you have to put what is best and safest for yourself first. I once read that a great way to walk away from someone toxic in your life, is to write them a letter - but don’t send it, destroy it! Let all of the things out that you want to say to him, and all of the negative feelings you have, and then destroy them - burn it, or rip it up? Then let yourself grieve the loss of those thoughts and feels, and ultimately, that person in your life. If you want to remain friends with him then maybe the best idea is to take a little break away from each other, and during that time, take the time to care for yourself and recognise that you are okay on your own and that you don’t need him to do good.
Self-care is really important for you right now. Try to take at least an hour or two a day for yourself; fill that time with doing things that you enjoy and make you feel relaxed and at peace. For example, I take the two hours before I go to sleep and try it fill that time with things like art and music, I’ll also take the time to have a bath, wash my hair, look after my skin, etc. Practising self-care also involves things like making sure you are getting enough sleep, eating well, and staying hydrated. Surrounding yourself with a good support network is also really important, whether you and your husband decide to try and make things work or not - spending time with your friends and family is super important so that you know you are not alone in what you are going through.
I’m also going to share a couple of things with you that may help you deal with any anxiety that you could be dealing with. This booklet by moodjuice gives lots of information about anxiety and is an interactive way to start working on your feelings. Our page about self-help for anxiety (here) lists some things that might be beneficial - for example, making sure you are getting enough sleep, avoiding caffeine, yoga and exercise, etc. Also, this page about calming anxiety and this page of grounding techniques could help to manage the symptoms of anxiety. A technique I find particularly useful is to describe my environment to myself out loud, so “The walls are white; there are five pink chairs; there is a wooden bookshelf against the wall…” Describe as much as you can as this helps to take the focus away from the anxiety you are feeling and instead focuses on the outside world, helping to ground you. Also, physical things like progressive muscle relaxation are super useful!
I hope this has been useful in some way for you, friend. Also sending you all the positive vibes and I hope you and your partner can find a way to deal with this issue. We’re always here if you want someone to talk to again! Take care,
Rhiann xo
