Anywhere ||:.
“I know we’ve got to get away
someplace where no one knows our name
We’ll find the start of something new”
When the current amount of alcohol in your stomach isn’t enough to distract from your problems you have two choices, you either keep drinking until you forget or you go out of your way to chew them out over a smoke. It was what worked best, at least for Sidereus. Usually, he would always go for the first choice. It wasn’t every day that drinks were freely poured around the ship and if there was something he had taken out of his trauma’s it’d have to be that you should always take everything you can before it’s gone.
This time however, he chose to go with his pack. Now at first glance him going out for a smoke isn’t anything peculiar, if anything it was already a sore view on everyone. Wherever the drifter went, the burnt smell of cigarette would always follow. It was a fact by now, almost universal. Yet if one were to look closer, you’d notice there were some things that were amiss with the picture. Either by the sudden isolation, the reluctance to meet a gaze or the way he gripped his lighter like it could anchor him down, there were little details that gave his spirit away. Someone who was familiar with him would have probably noticed it. That is if he would ever let anyone get that close.
But he didn’t, and he should never allow it. Sitting down with his legs hanging to the storage below, he takes a drag before resting his head against the cool rail. Everyone was probably either already glued to the panels or getting ready for the comet. Sid himself would have been doing the same had a sudden thought not assaulted him so strongly.
He had spent a large portion of the day completely taken by the comet and it’s myth. The whole Serenity was crazy about it, Kinam couldn’t get his eyes off his books, Jaewon wanted to kill himself with the comet. Hell, he even met one of the hackers that he swore he had never seen around. How he always missed a tower like Hanbyul was beyond him. Kamora was lost in her own world of fantasy and beauty, Audrey and Ephraim had surprised him with new sides of them, Sol had been just a complete mess and Kinam was even worse of a wreck than he was. The only part where Sid could admit he had enjoyed himself was when he had dragged Scarlett to dance with him. It had been something completely in the heat of the moment. He wasn’t even sure what he was doing but he had been taken by this sudden joy out of being alive. Out of both of them being alive and on the same ship. It had been worth it. For a while at least.
The smoke thins in front of him but he is not seeing it. He has overstayed welcome. He never stays longer than a month on the space place, let alone with the same people. It’ll be almost four months since Mina had saved him, almost four months since he paid his first passage. He had not planned on staying beyond their next stop and yet. Here he was, four months later, always packing and unpacking, ready to go but never quite doing it. There was always something stopping him. Sullivan needed help at the markets. Kafka stole his lighter again. Sonmi looked just a little too detached for his liking. Audrey wanted his company at the engine’s again, only just to bully him for his mistrust of Henry and bad terms with Sol. Jiyong wanted him to work on his aim. Kinam had a new theory about the verse he wanted to share. Ephraim had promised something delicious for supper. The reasons had been many.
Yet he knew they were all excuses. He was stalling. Purposely. And he did not know why. He was just setting himself up for another heartache. These people. These warm, oblivious, idiot people, did not know him. Sure right now they were welcoming and attentive but what would happen if they were to know his true colors?
Jaewon would probably sell him the first port they landed. He had been nothing but a pain to the captain, he was sure that at the slight opportunity he got to get rid of him he would. And even better, he’d get profit out of it. He surely wouldn’t toss the chance. Mina wouldn’t trust him anymore. He didn’t know what he had done to earn her favor but that would be long gone once she knew he had lied to her. Jiyong would probably shot him blank and the rest wouldn’t blink. Trust was a precious thing after all. It couldn’t be broken without repercussions.
Sid snorts at the thought. Not even two days ago he had been chiding Sol about it, and now here he was, worried he’d break the others too. Shouldn’t he apply what he preaches? What a hypocrite. And yet he felt that it wasn’t the same. What he had said to Sol was right. You didn’t need to trust someone to work with them, you teamed up and tried to get alive out of it. If they chose to toss their lives for others, well tough luck. It’s every man for himself out there. No one cares about noble actions unless it helps their reputation.
However the same couldn’t be said about the Serenity and her crew. They were above all, a family. A very diverse, dysfunctional one but still, a tight family. A family he wants to belong to. And in a family, trust is the one thing you don’t shatter. Even if they were to accept him, it was too much trouble carrying a wanted man on board. They would be in constant danger because of him. Sid could not have them risk their lives for him. He didn’t deserve it. He wasn’t worth it.
He sighs, throwing the cigarette butt across the storage. His mind drifting back to his drunk conversation with Kinam about the wishes. It had been fascinating hearing from everyone what they all wanted. It revealed what was truly important to the person, at least at that moment. A lot of the answers were vague and dismissive and Sid could relate to that after all, it was something personal. It couldn’t be shared with just anyone. And yet he still wanted to know. Not just out of curiosity but also as an inspiration.
Sid had absolutely no idea what to ask for. All he wanted was impossible. He had long resigned himself to the fact that sooner or later, he’d have to stop running. There was nothing that could be done for him, it was his word against the world and he was powerless. No one would take his side, and even if they did, it hardly mattered. He had still killed two people, two feds. It was a bleak future, but it was his and he could only run from it for so long.
Laying back down, he stares at the metal ceiling picturing what he could be already missing. He imagines the so famous red line slowly slicing the sky, leaving a trail of black emptiness as the tail dies. Somewhere in the back of his head Kinam is laughing saying comets don’t work like that. But Sid doesn’t focus on it, instead, he makes his wish.
“Just take me anywhere...”
It was far more doable. Surely Yue Lau could work its strings and grant him that.
“Anywhere... anywhere with them. That’s all I want.”
His speech is slurred but he is sure he said the right words. One last trip. One last trip so he could make up his mind and decide on what to do. But it had to be with all of them. Even the ones that itch Sid’s temper. Smiling, he runs his hands through his face, trying to keep a giddy laugh from escaping.