Sometimes feeling mixed is feeling like you belong nowhere. People come up to you like a zoo animal asking "what are you" but most the time you can't be mad cause they're just curious except when they aren't. Sometimes it's exclusion from people outright telling you you're not a part of some group plus outright jabs at your identity to more subtle forms. Or even your existence being the subject of entire online arguments you can't avoid.
I'm triracial. Half asian, white/black. I used to feel like confusion personified most the time, but seeing Slash on stage playing his heart out and being a total badass is like seeing a part of yourself/your community out there rocking it. Being mixed can be so polarizing to so many people but when I see the guy just up there doing his thing or being a complete sweetheart in interviews it's like it all just goes away
This guy's just out here being himself. He's out there, he's seen. If he has a place here then we all do, no matter who you are. Mixed or not you're a total badass so don't stop doing what you do. I think you're awesome. I have a lot of faith in you
Your identity regardless of what it is isn't for other people to debate. You're the only person who can dictate that no matter what they try to say. You can agree with them but their opinions can't change or even sway who your blood says you are, no matter how you look.
Hugs for all of you guys. Accept yourself and move on. You are what you are so move on and just try to enjoy living
☀️ SUN — would you describe yourself as more of an introvert or extrovert, or are you somewhere in between? how come?
Ha oh very much the extrovert here. Honestly I despise being alone - rather than gaining energy from introspection, it drains me if I spend too much time in my own thoughts. I can’t just… rest… when it’s just me and my own head y’know? If anything it gets busier in there the less is going on outside. I concentrate better when there is noise and bustle of some kind (I get way more done working at Dad’s desk out in the lounge during the day than if I’m shut away in my office at TI and when everyone else goes to bed my productivity goes way down).
I consider myself very lucky to live with so many loved ones around because there is almost always somebody to talk to, to listen to, to watch what they are doing. I may not always be the one chatting or have a particular need to be the centre of attention myself (with one thing and another I get more than enough of that) but I like to be in the thick of it amongst other people as much as possible.
🎀 RIBBON BOW — how confident are you with your physical appearance? is there anything about it that you are insecure about? is there anything about it that you are happy about or gives you confidence? how do you think people perceive you based on your physical appearance?
Hmm. I’m not entirely naive - I know that I’m “classically handsome” or that the way I look is pleasing to a lot of people. I know full well that activating the cheeky dimpled grin can get me outta some situations or the serious smouldering expression can get me into some others…
And the demands of the job mean I’m in good shape and so - yeah, while I have some scars I still struggle to feel at peace with (luckily those are mostly hideable so nobody sees and asks) - I guess I’m confident that, on the surface at least, the way I look is doing all it can for me?
However on some level I kinda hate that because people do make assumptions. There are a hella lotta assumptions about me out there that aren’t always true or fair and… it’s hard to reconcile what people are expecting me to be like and what I actually am like. Usually they are disappointed I think 🙄 The confidence is sexy. The anxiety, the constant worry and the tendency to tear myself apart over mistakes is uh, less so? So yeah, mostly I hide the latter part, particularly in a business or IR context.
I do think though that one area humanity really could improve massively on is the obsession with how people look and what is attractive and what isn’t. It messes people up, it makes wonderful people question themselves and their worth over - what? Surface level rubbish. You are more than skin deep my friends. Your beauty and your worth and your trustworthiness and your loveableness comes from your heart y’know? Don’t trust somebody just because they have a nice smile and their cheekbones are super symmetrical. They might not be trustworthy at all. Don’t underestimate somebody just cos the way they look doesn’t tick whatever boxes you have been conditioned to think is ok. Just… give people time to show you who they are before you judge them, yeah?
✍️ WRITING HAND — what is one thing you wish you were better at? this can be a tactical skill, social skill, hobby, etc.
I would love to be able to create things. Without instructions to follow just- make ‘em.
I can fix ‘em, usually. Not on the same level as Virgil or even Gordon but I’m fairly handy.
But that thing where someone sees something like a pile of wood or clay or yarn or… anything… and can picture what it could be and turn it into that? I’d love to have the patience to develop that skill. I did make things as a kid - usually models of fantastical flying machines out of junk that was lying around - but I guess at some point I got a li’l frozen by the feeling I was never able to make it perfect.
💄 LIPSTICK — have you had any romantic or sexual experiences that made you realize something about yourself?
Shouldn’t all of them, ideally? I dunno… to me you should be learning about yourself all the time. Even if it’s just reinforcing something you already knew.
That goes for all kinds of experiences really, but the kind you are particularly asking about - for me those are never entirely without meaning. If you pay attention you can’t help but learn about yourself. While the reputation I can’t quite shake off wasn’t always as unjust as I feel it is now, even back in my slightly more hedonistic days nothing of that kind was ever meaningless to me.
❤️🩹 MENDING HEART — how strongly do you experience your emotions? does it depend on who you're interacting with and/or the context of the situation?
Ah yes. Well. I always used to think ‘a regular amount’ but I’ve come to realise in later years that perhaps not everyone experiences everyday emotion quite so overwhelmingly strongly. I’m quite, uh… reactive? Especially to criticism (real or perceived). I’ve learned to bury it, hide it in most situations because the majority of my professional life it isn’t helpful to wear your heart on your sleeve so I have a pretty solid wall I shove certain things behind until it’s safe to revisit them.
Around people I know well and love, I guess those walls are thinner… which means the cracks are more obvious, the boiling mess explodes out way easier than I wish it would and sometimes they get burned and I hate that. I really hate it.
But even with work stuff, while I can sort of put off dealing with all of the Everything, it never goes away and at some point I know I just have to let the feelings come and sit with them. Or, more usually run with them.
I run a lot.
🎶 MUSICAL NOTES — what song lyrics do you think most accurately describe you? your journey through life? who you are as a person?
I’m gonna have to chicken outta this one… I’m so sorry - I’ve been thinking about it a long while but - there are just too many? I have so many huge playlists for different times and places and feelings but none of them quite cover everything I’d want to say, let alone one song or set of lyrics. There are too many different aspects of myself and my journey that… some are still too hard to talk about but trying to summarise myself without them would feel like a lie. And there just isn’t any one song I know that properly explains both the incredible joy of the life I can’t quite believe I deserve and yet have here with the people I love… while doing justice to the darker bits. Trying to pin it down would always feel like I was lying to you. So… I won’t.
Well that got long huh? Thanks for the ask, anon. S’good to think about these things sometimes!
I think Eddie is a fascinating character! I wanna dig into his psyche. Like why is he holding on to the memories of a woman who walked out on their kid and then wanted to divorce him? Is it (Catholic) guilt that keeps him tethered to her? Is it that he would rather believe it was death that prevented a reconciliation than the fact that she didn't want him?? Why is he Like That???
But all I get going into the tag is bvddie 😑
I love Eddie. He's my special disaster princess.
This man needs so much therapy. His complete inability to process anything is just wild. He doesn't have a single healthy relationship, and I'm going to be mean here and include both his relationship with Chris AND his friendship with Buck in that.
Apparently he "grew up too fast", but that never made any sense to me. I know a couple of people who had to grow up too soon, and I'm going to include myself in that group, and the one thing we all have in common is that we're all caretakers who learned at a very young age that everybody else's needs are more important than our own.
Eddie though has NO antenna for what other people need. I don't want to call him selfish because I don't think he's doing it with the intention of putting himself first. But he lives in his little Eddie bubble and doesn't really notice when his behaviour / his decisions / his actions have a negative effect on other people until the consequences hit him right in the face.
I think we can probably blame his parents? Not because Eddie grew up too fast, but because he learned to do what is expected of him first, no matter what he needs. It's like he's stuck in this act of permanent rebellion, always looking for an outlet, always looking for a loophole to get a little bit of what he needs, instead of... Oh, I don't know, growing up, letting go of these expectations, taking a good look at his life, his mistakes and his relationships? The horror.
That sounds terribly negative, I know.
I love Eddie because he's trying his best. Sometimes that's all people can do. He made a ton of mistakes as a husband, boyfriend, father, friend... Do I want to slap some sense into him and send him to therapy? Hell yes. But I think despite his bad decisions he's a fundamentally decent guy who WANTS to be a good father, a good friend, a good boyfriend. He just can't seem to get there because his flaws keep getting in the way.
I know I'm heavily projecting here, but I know a thing or two about feeling like you can't ever outgrow your screwed up childhood. Feeling like you can't change even though you know your own issues are the main problem. Feeling like no amount of therapy can fix you.
So yeah, I wish Eddie would learn to deal with his shit. But I kind of love what a disaster he is.
Hello everyone! I'm here to tell you that I'm alive, but my life has been very adult, busy, chaotic and well... a lot is going on right now and I'm kind of pouring my heart out to you guys.
As I've told at some point my laptop screen died last year and I really don't want to spend money on a new screen just to play my games, and I decided to fix it just to sell it and then build a new gaming setup! something I owe myself for over 15 years. Also, I'm not really a happy person in my current job and money is not enough anymore, my grandfather died 4 months ago and it was one of the worst times of my life and also because his money was the basis of my mother's house and she took care of him, until his last day (natural causes). In the meantime, I've been spending a lot of money on dental treatment, a driver's license, taking care of the house, my things. I also bought a car to help my mother and grandmother to make it easier to get around. I'm also helping my mother financially because she can't work anymore due to health issues and we're trying to solve this issue... but I've practically forgotten about myself, my hobbies and my fun... I've become just a "productive" adult, but I really want to change that. I want to find a new job in my field and continue to be able to handle everything! I also need to find another place to live, somehow... I'm alone here because my grandmother left our house to live with my mother and keep her company, but I can't stay here alone, even if we aren't that far, only two blocks I guess but I hope I can solve it in the calmest and most peaceful way possible because my mental health hasn't been easy yet again. I have a doctor's appointment on the 12th of this month and I'm going to rely on some medication for sudden mood swings, but I still have a little money saved up and the first step is to create a new setup. Hope it works out! I miss you guys and the community... and simming of course :D
Is a thing I'm going to learn this year! (This feels really awkward but I can't think of a smooth introduction, so here we are.)
Here on Tumblr was my first introduction to binding fics. It never occurred to me before that people would. I began following many amazing binders here on Tumblr and over on Instagram. My sweet friend Nina bound a short story collection of some of my fics for my birthday last year. And Lila gave me a copy of one of her fics. There is something so very special about seeing fics in physical form! It gives me all the warm and fuzzies!
...only it seems that if a gal wants her favorite fics on her shelf, she's going to have to bind them herself.
Now, I was tempted to share some progress pictures along the way, but I fear that would hinder my progress. My anxiety and perfectionism are strong. I do not like to be observed making mistakes. Even really minor ones. Even worse if people point them out to me, however well-meaning. I live with a deep and abiding terror of failure and judgment. Which...is it healthy? No. Am I working on it? Yeah. But my therapist and I agree that throwing myself into the deep end is not the right method for me, so alas...baby steps!
(Seriously, my partner and I have been together nearly 7 years and only this past year have I begun to try and test new things where he could see me do it. And there is no person on planet earth more supportive or less judgmental than my Eddie.) (But to be fair, when one is taught to hate themselves and see their only worth as their usefulness and productivity, well...The terror is quite real, and deeply ingrained, I'm afraid.)
I will try to take progress photos along the way and share them all in a photo dump when I'm feeling more comfortable and confident. Which is a long ways away as I've not even bound a book yet. Showing my errors should be easier when I can say "look but I fixed it!" By necessity I've become pretty good at teaching myself things, so with luck (and YouTube videos) I can do this!
And in the meantime I can at least write about my efforts!
Eddie, my partner, has been very enthusiastic since I first broached the subject of bookbinding and when my plans to gather supplies seemed to fall through, he agreed to help me get what I needed. He had me put supplies on an Amazon wishlist so we can purchase items when we can. The first purchase I made was the most necessary one, which was a printer. I got a little table to put it on, built the table!!!! (I am not very handy, okay. When I build anything, however simple, it's a huge accomplishment!) I set up the printer. Aaaand was resigned to wait however long until I could start.
...
...and then it occurred to me. "Hey, dumb-dumb, maybe you can start practicing parts of it now?"
Oh yeah! There are several parts to putting a book together. And so, I began! I chose a small fic, Orange Blossoms, to get a feel for how it would look printed out. I followed some online instructions. And it wasn't perfect, but it was in booklet form and I could fold the paper and everything was where it needed to be. Small success!
Then I adjusted the font size and reprinted, because the previous font size was teensy in Scrivener and GIANT in Adobe and on paper.
Next, I wanted to test printing multiple signatures. That one took a bit more work for reasons I can't properly explain. Even now I don't know why the original version was printing out the way it was, with a blank last page. In theory, it shouldn't have done that??
Anyway, I chose In My Veins (In My Blood) for this. Orange Blossom is 3k and fit into one signature. In My Veins (In My Blood) is 7k and I figured I could get 2 out of it. I figured starting small would be better so I don't waste paper and ink while trying to sort things out. Or you know...waste as little as I can.
I fiddled with some settings and such until the first signature printed right. Then I had to mess around to figure out where I needed to insert blank pages, and I changed my mind about where to put my mock copyright and title pages. Once I was happy, I then printed the second signature and then proudly waved them in Eddie's face!
Then, I found a gift card from Christmas and decided: hey, why don't I get some more stuff? Today my order came in and I got: an awl, needles, and waxed thread. Time to stitch those suckers together! I stumbled across a bookbinding video some months ago that I saved, so I pulled that up and went step by step. Measuring and marking where to put the holes. (Nightmare, btw, my brain hates numbers.) (Brain sees numbers and runs off scared; needs soothing and cajoling to come back out and get to work.) (The solution was obvious and didn't require actual math like the YouTuber told me but anyway that's not the point, the point is:) Then I threaded my needle and go to work!
Signature 1 was easy enough. But threading the 2 signatures together was not. First YouTube moved too fast and didn't explain things very clearly. Like...not verbally addressing each step in detail, but also with too many jump cuts for me to really tell what she was doing. But she referenced a Sea Lemon video which I found and was much more helpful!
And now I have 2 signatures threaded together! It's very rough and sloppy, but you know what...it's a first attempt, so whatever. (Look, even admitting that my first attempt is pretty "eh" hurts my soul, but here we are.) (At least you can't see it!)
So that's where I am for now! Eddie's going to peruse my list this weekend to see what he can get, and once I have the supplies needed for the next step, onto the next step I'll go! I do want to bind The White Road as my first actual bound fic, so I can work on fiddling with the typesetting a bit while I wait!
ALSO I ate dinner so late because I was so caught up in learning how to stitch those signatures!! I was like "okay this shouldn't take that long." Hey, self, this is a new skill you're learning. Maybe don't make assumptions. And at least double any time you think something should take. I sure scarfed down my food after that!
Anyway, I know it seems very silly that I'm too scared to show pictures, but even talking about it is a big step. It's like...well if this doesn't work out I'm going to look really dumb, huh? Better keep things all to myself so if it doesn't work out no one is disappointed or judging me or whatever. Much better to come out the gate with something to show, right?
But talking about stuff and sharing stuff is really important to me. It's this like deep inner need I've trampled down for so long, out of fear of seeming childish or silly at best, or at worst boring or burdening people. But maybe this is something some people are interested in. And I'll be generous with cuts and tags for easy skimming for those who aren't interested, and those who are, well...You're welcome to bits and pieces of my journey with me!
Speaking of tags, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "bindery." I thought of "Busy Bee Bindery" because I love bees and am quite busy, actually. But maybe it needs my name in it?? Idk I'm still brainstorming that one. Maybe by my next update I'll have one I can use for tagging! And you know...to slap on my bindings! 😄
Not Jane Austen related, but could you tell me about your career as a cognitive neuroscientist?
Sure! Now I will be clear, I don't have a PhD, I have an MA, but the definition of "scientist" doesn't include your degree level and it’s the easiest term to understand.
My MA is in cognitive neuroscience and I mainly studied how fear changes our ability to remember things. You can read my dissertation if you want. I also spent a lot of time working with seniors and I have taught courses on how memory changes as we age. My job title has mostly been “research assistant.” I mostly studied memory, but I had an interest in language development and OCD.
After I graduated, I taught brain function and research methods for two semesters at a small university as a sessional lecturer.
Then I got a job as a research assistant to family doctors. I really loved that job. The research I was doing was public health focused. We looked at offering free legal advice to our patients, helping seniors take their medications on time, helping family medicine residents study for their exams (two papers out of that one!), and the needs of family doctor training programs in low income countries. (Many of these are available free to read online)
Here I need to say something about research: it doesn’t matter what you are an expert in, it matters that you know the process. The doctors I worked with were the experts, but because I know the basic methods of research, I can apply these to any project I encounter.
Then I spent a year in a different department doing heart health research. This research was more qualitative (people's experiences) than quantitative (things I can do statistics on) so I didn't enjoy it as much. But I was between pregnancies and I needed a job.
I am planning to get back into research again soon, I took a break when my kids were both in daycare and I opened my own home daycare, which ended up being a very good move, because the pandemic hit right when I would have been heading back to work after maternity leave (I live in Canada, one year at 50% pay). That is what I am doing now but I keep involved in science by continuing to participate in the peer review process. Peer review is always done on a volunteer basis and on your own time.
Now if you are thinking of getting into science, I know some things have happened recently with the whole pandemic, but let me say: it's a tough field. Researchers like me are often only hired on temporary contracts because our pay is based on grant funding. Despite advanced degrees, many of us are not paid very well at all and because of the short contracts we don’t have job security.
I was actually enrolled in a PhD program but I realized I wanted to do more applied research, which my supervisor couldn't offer. I also became aware that in the job market, the PhD wouldn't give me that much of an edge because I didn't want to be a professor.
Why not a professor? I don't like all the parts of the job. It is constant grant applications, a lot of training grad students, teaching rabbles of undergrads, and a lot of paper writing and revisions. I like some of those things, like teaching and statistics, but not others. Also, as a Canadian, it's almost impossible to get a job without first moving to the United States or Europe and I didn't want to do that. I've been watching friends have marriages fall apart because they both have PhDs and it's very hard to get post-docs in the same province or country, let alone city...
Universities are also hiring less full professors and more sessional lecturers. SLs are paid almost nothing and you have to accept a very high course load to make a reasonable living. Also no research, you just teach.
Which is all to say, get a PhD if you really love the subject matter, but the career prospects afterwards are rough. I love doing it though, so I most likely will be returning. Right now I’m using all my extra brain power on Jane Austen analysis and writing JAFF.
And for fun!
Here is a picture of my actual brain, which I lay perfectly still in an MRI for 1.5 hours just to get (look at that beautiful cerebellum, those healthy white matter tracks... I’ll stop):
And me doing a traumatic brain injury study (I fell off a cliff once) in an EEG:
