Something personal...
Today I found out that my father , whom I never met in my entire life ( 25 years) , has died 5 years ago. I found his name on an online graveyard list and got reassured today. So how do you feel when your father whom you never knew and never had a chance to talk to or to learn something from dies? You feel empty. You have a lot of questions that could never be answered, at least not by him. Something that had a chance to bloom never did . He was never part of my life, he didnt experience all these things Dads experience with their daughter. Not having him as a part of my life DID worsen a lot of things, e.g. my relationship to men, that I am oftenly too bound to them, that i will probably always ask myself what it would have been like if my Father was there for me. How it would have changed my view on men and how to deal with relationships in general. I know that I am certainly not the only one who is going through this all her life. But now, after 25 years, reading about his death makes it ultimate. Inescapable. So fucking inescapable. But this is reality. This is how it goes in life. I can only reach out to literally ANYONE who is father+ mother of a child. PLEASE NEVER PRIORITIZE YOUR EGO DRAMA BETWEEN EACH OTHER ABOVE YOUR CHILDREN: IT IS NOT WORTH IT AT ALL. It only leads to more suffering and intergenerational Trauma, Drama and bigger psychological wounds that means also A LOT MORE HEALING. How can you cry over a person you've litereally never met? I cried , though. Because I realized the inescapable truth. I faced it today . At least I have certainty now. I can only do better. I have so many mixed feelings that I can barely describe how I feel. Left alone. Reassured. Broken. But at the same time healing because I took all my courage together and contacted his family. It's the bitter truth. But I know now for sure, that no matter how hard the relationship between mother and father may be, never let your children feel it. BE THERE FOR THEM, ALWAYS. REACH OUT. BECAUSE THEY DO NEED YOU. BECAUSE YOU MATTER TO THEM AS MUCH AS THEY MATTER TO YOU. I REPEAT: REACH OUT FOR YOUR CHILD. Or it may be too late.
Addition: When I was writing this, a moth entered the room. Sometimes, the universe DOES directly respond. Kinda creepy because Moths symbolize death, letting go and transformation. The Moth is still here, sitting quietly at the ceiling. What an ironic tragedy.
