So I’m nonbinary, and I struggle with the thought that I’d rather not have certain body parts, but the idea of the kind of scarring surgery would leave distresses me more than my current body does.
I was introduced to the notion of trans-androgyny. I forget the exact term they used. The idea that you could want to transition to no gender/sex or a mix of genders/sexes.
Yes. That would be good, thank you.
I only await a method that doesn’t involve surgery because I’m chickenshit about scars and pain.
I wonder if I’d still feel this way if my hormones were adjusted to match my body. Apparently everything that makes up your personality is part of your brain. Who knows if anything I think or feel is real in any meaningful way?
He grunted at Bo-Na’s tentative request from where he laid face down on his bed. His arm still ached and he couldn’t move his shoulder. He knew it would be worse the second day but knowing and feeling were two different things. He listened to the sound of her skirts rustling as she closed the door. “Sit up. I’m going to wrap your shoulder.”
Young-Do weakly pushed himself up and tried to pretend holding the main support beam across his back didn’t hurt as he removed the top part of his pajamas. It had been a while since any of the court ladies or Hyun-Joo looked in on him. He glanced over at her and smiled faintly. “You’re getting better with your makeup. Your lips look nice today.”
Bo-Na smiled at him and came over with what appeared to be an ice pack. He hissed when she set it against the top of his shoulder and wrapped it into place with strips of cloth. “You commenting on my makeup is weirder than the other ladies laughing at me. Makeup is like picking up a weapon for the first time. It just takes practice to do it well. I don’t have a mother to tell me how to do it so I’m making it up as I go along.” She paused and then sighed sadly. She could probably see the other bruises forming on his back. “Did you get in trouble with the king again?”
Young-Do hated that the other noblewomen laughed at Bo-Na’s attempts to be like them but he didn’t know how to fix it. As the crown prince, he might make it worse. He’d asked for Mother’s advice but she told him to let it alone. He couldn’t afford any favoritism towards Bo-Na after rejecting her.
He wanted to ask Rachel to...mentor her but he didn’t know how she’d feel about it if he tried to explain that Bo-Na was sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl. The general didn’t stop her.
“I’m not supposed to have the mandate yet. My star is rising too quickly.”
“My father says that’s all bogus. If he waited on the stars to align to attack, he wouldn’t win any battles because stars are very slow. Do you have a wedding date yet?”
He closed his eyes and tried not to groan at that complication. “Chang-Soo says she needs to be in the palace for him to get a sense of the best date.”
Bo-Na giggled. “You can hurry that along if you just talk to her. Ask her the date of her last issue and how many days it takes to go from one to the next. He wants to make sure picks the best days she’s fertile and not accidentally pick a day she’s bleeding.”
Young-Do turned and looked at her with a dropped jaw. Bo-Na reached out and closed his mouth. “You mean, the reason I have to wait two to three months after she’s brought here is because the court ladies would be reporting on her dirty laundry to our astronomer?”
“Women’s bodies are miraculous, Young-Do. Our dirty laundry holds all sorts of secrets.” She hid her snicker behind her hand. “Wait here. I need to get the hot towels. You can change and lay back down.”
“How do you know all of this?”
Bo-Na sighed softly. “My father had the gisaeng teach me. He understands that I am sometimes a girl and sometimes a boy. He explained that my body is female so I have to understand how it works. I spent my life surrounded by men. He wanted me to know everything about my body to make me the best warrior he could. That includes the parts of me I don’t share with men. Well, not yet anyway.” She paused and then said cheekily, “He also doesn’t trust men to pull out. So I had to learn all sorts of ways not to get pregnant. I think, in the end, he wishes I was more like Queen Jae-Kyung. He took me to the pavilion once, when I was a boy, just to see if I wanted girls.”
“And?”
She shrugged. “Women are lovely but I like Im Chan-Young more.”
“Has he even said one word to you yet?”
She smiled softly before she wrinkled her nose. “I think I’m just going to show up in his room one night. That will make something happen.”
“He is so far beneath you, Bo-Na. He’s not even an officer. You aren’t a noblewoman. If your father dies before you get married...Your brother...”
“I have every faith that the new king will protect me. My brother...” she sighed and shrugged. “I’m a better leader. If it comes to it, I can be a boy forever. I’ll just put on my armor and lead one of your armies. You know I’m good for it.”
But that wasn’t what she wanted. Bo-Na discovered dresses and hairpins and makeup this last year. She wore it all awkwardly but she loved it. He caught her spinning around in circles once just to feel her dress fling out around her in ways her armor never did. Young-Do pointed out that men’s and women’s clothes were similar enough but she insisted that the difference mattered when she was a girl.
He sighed and rolled onto his stomach while she went to get the hot towels. He was surprised at the knock on his door because he thought she would come in again. When he hesitated, Hyo-Shin said quietly, “It’s me.”
“Come in.” He tried to sit up but Hyo-Shin put his hand on his back and shook his head. Young-Do was a little shocked to see him. He left almost immediately after the accident. “Did you kill your horse?”
“Do you know that I can get from Rachel’s province to the capitol in nine hours?” He smiled faintly and produced a letter. “It only took me three horses. Just in case you were curious and wanted to try for yourself.”
Fifteen fucking days. Then two or three fucking months.
“Did you tell my mother not to worry? Did you tell Rachel?” Hyo-Shin looked away and Young-Do growled at him. “What can they do all the way out there? I will be fine in a week. We have to build that bridge, Hyo-Shin. Going around the mountain to avoid that river takes too much time. We need--”
“I know. Your mother is coming back. Rachel is...My father visited her. I think she handled it well. Young-Do, people who love you are allowed to change their plans to take care of you.” To make his point, Bo-Na returned and placed the hot towels on his back.
“Nine hours? Really? It took me a day and a half to get there.”
“Three horses. Do you want to read her letter? I can do it for you.”
“No,” he said selfishly. “Her words are for me alone.”
Bo-Na laughed softly and flicked him on the back of the neck. “You should let Hyo-Shin write some poetry for you. Yours is awful.”
“She would recognize it.” He glared up at Hyo-Shin. “I saw the stuff you used to send her. Are you still doing that?”
“It isn’t for her and she knows it.” Young-Do made a disgusted sound. He was still doing it then. “Do you want me to write you poetry for her?”
“No.” He buried his face in his pillow. Fifteen days. “It’s better coming from me and I don’t write poetry. I’m not going to look something up and copy it down either so don’t suggest that again.” He squeezed his eyes shut so he could give them the fear eating away at his heart. “It’s been too long. Her feelings have changed. Her letters are distant.”
In the wake of their silence he almost took it back until Hyo-Shin said, “Read her letter, my prince. I think you will find they haven’t.”
Bo-Na helped him sit up after she removed the now cold towels. She made him go through all the stretches and carefully checked his neck. Hyo-Shin took his hand and held it while they both ignored the tears forming in his eyes. “I will tell Court Lady Baek to bring you some tea.”
She stood and left them alone. Hyo-Shin handed him the letter and kissed his forehead before he stood. “She says she knows your letters are being watched and that’s why she’s been so formal in them. She charged me with delivering this to you personally. Her feelings haven’t changed.”
He bowed and left. Young-Do slowly opened the letter and tried to ignore the tear stains.
My prince, how I wish I was by your side. I am envious of the bridge, the river, even the mud because it gets to pass through you and I do not. I am afraid our enemies will take you from me before I get to see you again. It is fourteen days until I am to come to you. I do not know how I will sit in a palanquin in silence, not speaking to you, as we did when we rode together. I miss you.
Remember that your body is mine. Do not be so careless with it again. I love you, Rachel
Young-Do closed his eyes and for the first time since the bridge fell on him, he could breathe. He ignored the pain while he stood and went over to his desk. He did have one poem that he liked ever since he was young. Mother used to read it for him to help him sleep.
He hoped she knew it because it was all he had to safely express how much he loved her.
Me: "Sometimes I feel like moving back to California and becoming a barista or something" My husband: "A barista?" Me: "Yeah" My husband: "You want to make burritos?!" Me: .....
on fb i changed my pronoun to they and (while this next part isn’t public and only i can see it; it’s important to me) i changed my gender to female fluid and gender fluid
