Guess what, I was supposed to turn in my thesis this monday, but my teacher said that it’s not finished and that it be better if i don’t turn it in this year. And I’m gonna be honest with you, I agree.
Truth is I’ve been very... meh this past few months. It’s the end of my final year and I’ve been doing so many things I just didn’t have the time to actually focus for more than 3 hours a week on the project so obviously, even though I’ve put way more hours into it these past few weeks, it’s not gonna be ready for next week.
I’ve accept it, I’m not gonna finish uni this year, it’s okay, it happens. I’m not perfect.
The thing is I’m not happy, I haven’t been happy for the past 3 years because even though I don’t dislike what I’m studying, I want to do many things that I can’t do because I’m busy with uni stuff. Last year was very hard for me because I got very, VERY lazy and I let myself get carried by my peers which is not good because I got used to not doing shit, and I lacked motivation even to do the things that I like.
Long story short, I’ve not been doing my best, so it’s normal my thesis is not ready. It’s my fault. Talking to my parents about it has helped me realise that I don’t really have a problem with my situation. My problem is that I had this unrealistic idea of myself that I would able to work very hard and that I would be able to focus for a ridiculous amount of time (like those youtube study people, honestly how do they do it?), when in reality, I can’t. I’m not like that. I used to be like that, maybe that’s why I thought I could do it, but I’m not anymore. I picked up some very bad study habits and I thought I could fix them in 3 months, but I couldn’t. Basically because I was way more focused on getting work done than how I got it done.
This is new for me. Even though I’ve failed a few subjects before, I still thought I could finish uni in 4 years. But that’s not the case.
This is even worse for me because I’m used to being the smart one. I always got good grades, I always studied with time and I was good at organising myself, and now? My friends are graduating this year, but me, the “smart” one, am not.
I’ve been lying to myself telling myself that I could do everything I wanted because I’m mentally strong (when obviously that’s not true). But now that this has happened, I don’t need to lie to myself anymore. I am not mentally strong but I will for sure work towards getting that strength back.
An I will start by making sure I pass all my subjects so all I have left for next year is the thesis. I will post my progress here because I think it’ll be a good way of building discipline and forcing myself to stick to the goals I set.
Thank you for sticking with me even though I said I would post but I didn’t. This time I will, because I’m tired of feeling useless.
