( 𝟖𝟖’ 𝐁𝐎𝐘 ) ╾ he should’ve stopped torturing himself from doing the same painful routine over and over again. but every time his gaze land on her, he knew he was never good enough. jongin needed a way out, he was stuck in reverse. people make mistakes, but it’s not the same thing when the one you love the most ruin you.
it’s true, jongin was never around. things were hard for both of them, he was always exhausted and he didn’t even show how hard it was for him fighting on his own. ╾ being injured twice took a toll on him, for four months they told him to say at home. and all he could think about was the possibility he wouldn’t be able to perform, to dance, or feel the rhythm in his veins again. jongin was depressed, he was begging for air like a drowning man.
looking at her, smiling, talking, laughing ╾ if anything jongin wanted to forget, the thought of her was enough to stir a reaction from him. despite how badly he tried, she was always there, haunting his nights through their memories. he didn’t have the heart, or courage, to see her again. the pain and anger simply followed, leaving nothing but a hollow space inside him that no one would be able to fill. he was more than scared, he was terrified of going through the same thing all over again.
he wasn’t just broken, he was in pieces.
she promised him there was no one else yet she lied through her teeth. jongin tried, he really did but she used it against him. she pulled one thing that drove his insecurity and fear. she knew exactly where to hit him. jongin couldn’t look her in the eye, not after that night. not after, he saw her with someone else, tangling in heat, both lips murmuring sweet nothings and jongin just left without words. pain in his eyes with pieces of broken heart in his shaky hands.
the break-up was tough. despite he knew she wasn’t the one entirely at fault, he couldn’t help the way he feel. he was never good with words ╾ talking about his feelings, conveying them even really connect with others. jongin always has his own ways. through small gestures, he’d observe and remember the things she like the most. even the way her lips curled into a warm soft smile, or how her nose scrunched and how she laughed when he told her how lame his jokes were. he would do anything to make her happy. he would’ve given her the world. those feelings weren’t buried under deep piles of confusion and butterflies from anxiety whenever she was nearby. those feelings rose on top, capturing waves of his fear and leaving his own lips pressing loving kisses down her spine under the name of love.
but almost was never good enough, almost would always be their forever. he wondered if she ever thought about him too.
despite the surrounding chaos, jongin found himself focusing on the task at hand. once they allowed him on stage, he drowned himself through hours and hours of practice ╾ exordium was the only answer. this was his only chance. afterwards, the days had a habit of melding into one long, numb interlude that caused the rest of reality to fade away. from one country to another, he wasn’t sure what he was looking for.
back in the company, he was asked to see his manager at the meeting room. jongin quickly follows the order, walking forward before suddenly hearing her words through the bland hall way. he turns around, face remain unreadable while he throws his gaze away once more.
❛ is that all you have to say ╾ ? ❜ jongin asks, his warm eyes turned cold in a second as he stands before her. without waiting for her answer, he rolls his shoulder casually. ❛ if that's all. move. ❜
