“24/7 I’ve been searching for you and arrived here
If I try to open my arms and hold you, I can’t grab anything
No matter how much I miss you, I can’t fill my heart that wants you
24/7 your memory doesn’t end until the universe stops”
Soonyoung sat there. He didn’t know why he had bothered waiting there on the rooftop where they would meet. Like he did every so often. It had been months since he had last seen Jihoon. He knew that the younger male had moved on by now. He could tell by the way he hadn’t called. By the way they passed each other on the street like they never shared an ‘I love you’. Like they had never met. He felt the pain balling up in his chest like he did every time a memory of Jihoon popped into his head.
He looked at his watch and looked at the time. 1:38am. He decided it had been long enough. He stood up and brushed off his dark blue fitted jeans. He opened the door to the staircase and began to walk into the lobby of the abandoned office building. The same building he and his group of friends would meet up at and spend hours just telling jokes and making the dumbest memories. The same abandoned office building where he kissed Jihoon for the first time on a dare because Seungkwan his best friend had a crush on the older boy.
Soonyoung ran his hand across the front desk before he exited the building. He pulled the hood of his black hoodie over his hair to protect his black locks from the falling rain. It might have been late at night, but Seoul was still active and alive. He walked down the city street and found himself in front of a bar. Jam Jam. The very bar he and Jihoon shared their first drink together privately. He sat at the bar and ordered a bottle of Soju and a shot glass. He took the green bottle in his hand and poured himself a shot. He took it back before quickly pouring another and just instantly shot it back. As he poured himself a third shot before his phone began to ring. He picked it up and answered before taking the time to look at the collar I.D
“Hello?” He said as he answered the phone
“Yah, babe. It’s almost 2am! Where are you? I’ve been worried sick and I’m tired.” The voice whined through the phone.
“Channie, I’ll be home soon. Just lay down in bed, I have my keys.” He reassured his boyfriend to remain calm and insisted he would be home soon.
“Okay Hyung... but please- get home soon.” He pleaded.
“I will. I’ll talk to you later” He said then hung up.
Soonyoung knew that what he was doing wasn’t right. He was taking advantage of the fact he knew his younger friend had been crushing on him for as long as he could remember, but he couldn’t help himself. He was doing anything he could to get over Jihoon. Yeah he felt bad, but he was just trying to fill the hole that Jihoon left behind when he walked away from him. For the last few weeks, he had been coming here to this run down bar. Asking himself why? and what went wrong? was there anything he could have done differently to avoid losing him? He knew that beating himself up over it wasn’t gonna get him anywhere, but all he could do was look back on every argument they had in their three year relationship. All the night’s he didn’t spend with Jihoon because he was so busy. The thoughts haunted him every night and had been for weeks.
He looked down at his watch after he pulled himself out of his thoughts. 3:12am. He looked out the large windows and saw the streaks of water as they poured from the sky, ‘One more time. Then I’ll go home.’ He downed one more shot of soju and took a deep breath. He left some cash on the counter and got up. He stepped out of the bar and was greeted by the warm rain that soaked his face. He looked up and began to walk back the way from which he came. He put his hands in his pockets as he walked along the lit up Seoul sidewalk. He let that day play through his head.
Soonyoung felt the tears well up in his eyes. He walked into their shared apartment after a long day of teaching dance classes and was greeted by his long time boyfriend standing in the hallway. His suitcase packed.
“J-Jihoon. What are you doing? Going on a trip?” He laughed nervously. Praying that, that was what was going on.
“Soonyoung... Let’s not act like both of us haven’t seen this coming for quite some time now...” Jihoon spoke. His words piercing through Soonyoung's heart. His tone was cold and emotionless.
“Can't we sit down and talk about this first? Please? I know we’ve both been busy, but I've been trying so hard... Jihoon please you can’t leave me.” He felt the tears building up in his eyes. His heart dropped into the pit of his stomach.
“Soonyoung... There's no talking about it anymore. I’m sorry. I’ve just lost those feelings...” He looked away from him.
“Lost what? What feelings? The desire to fix us? I’ll change everything. I’ll fix it all since I’m the reason we're so broken. I’ll find another job with a better schedule. Jihoon please I’ll-” The tears escaped his eyes and fell like waterfalls on to his shirt as he was cut off by the smaller ones serious tone.
“Soonyoung, I don’t love you anymore. I have come to not like you. I don’t wanna see you anymore.” He brought his head up to look Soonyoung in his eyes. He could see the absolute shock on Soonyoung's face. The words cut through his entire being. He couldn’t believe the love of his life was standing here in front of him, telling him that after three years of kisses, hardships, and special moments, he had fallen out of love with him.
They both stood there in silence for a minute. Jihoon grabbed the handle of his suitcase and walked towards the door, “I’m sorry. I wish you the best.” He said as he shut the door behind him and exited the building. Not looking back in fear it would send him running into Soonyoung’s arms.
Soonyoung dropped to his knees. He just stayed there and sobbed silently. After what felt like hours he brought himself to his feet and made his way to his bedroom. He laid in the bed he and Jihoon had shared together for the last two years and laid on his side. He laid his head on Jihoon’s pillow and inhaled deeply. Jihoon’s scent coursed through Soonyoung’s nostrils. It calmed him for a few moments before sending a wave of heartache through his entire body. He cried out loudly as he curled his body into a ball and covered his body in the comforter.
A few days had passed and no one had heard from Soonyoung. Filled with worry Mingyu and Chan headed over to his apartment. Neither were close with Jihoon, so they figured the two were just fighting and Soonyoung was just trying to let off some steam and wanted to avoid being asked a thousand questions as their friend group always did when the couples fought. The pair banged on the door and when no one answered, Mingyu used his spare key to let them in.
“Hyung? Hyung are you here?” Mingyu called out. When they didn't receive an answer they looked around the apartment. As they got closer to the bedroom Chan motioned his hand for Mingyu to stop.
“You hear that? It sounds like crying.” Chan said has he looked at Mingyu with heartache in his face. Everyone knew Chan had a crush on Soonyoung, and had since they were elementary school. Well, everyone but Soonyoung. Chan had tried to confess a couple times but every time he was either too nervous and ended up blowing it, or Soonyoung was already with Jihoon so he figured it was a waste of time since Soonyoung had a crush on him for the same amount of time.
The two got to the bedroom and were greeted with the saddest version of Soonyoung they had ever seen. He was curled in a ball, under the covers with dace on Jihoon’s pillow. His face was was oily and showed obvious signs of not being washed in a few days. His hair was greasy and unkept. His eyes were red, puffy, and showed heartbreak and exhaustion.
“Oh Hyung...” Chan let out in a silent voice. His heart hurt seeing him like this. He walked over and called into his bed and laid behind him. He wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly. Mingyu followed, laying in front of him. He took his best friend into his arms and let him cry out.
“He’s gone. He’s really gone. He packed all his things and left me. He left me.” He sobbed out uncontrollably. Mingyu and Chan just rubbed his arms and back in comfort. They didn't know what to say because they knew no amount of words could really comfort him. He was heartbroken and he would be for quite a while.
After a few months Soonyoung began dating Chan. The younger one had been there for him so much, it just made sense to him and for a little bit he was genuinely happy with him. He hadn't seen Jihoon since the day he left and Chan was helping his pain subside, but when Soonyoung saw Jihoon while walking the city streets one day it all came flooding back. He had been a wreck ever since. Chan knew he was acting different. He didn't want to pry too much into his boyfriends business so whatever Soonyoung didn’t tell him he didn’t ask about. He decided he would let Soonyoung tell him in his own time. Which brought them to the place they currently were.
Soonyoung looked up. He was in front of the office building. He took deep breath and looked down at his watch once more. 3:56am. He sighed and walked into the building. Soonyoung had never been worried about the strange people the night time brought out. He was a pretty good fighter and always had a weapon or two on him. He walked through the run down building and made his way to the roof top. When he opened the door he was greeted by a small silhouette. His body filled with anxiety until the figure turned and similar features were made visible by the bright moonlight. It was Jihoon. He turned around fully to face Soonyoung.
He smiled at him, “So... You still come here too huh?” He spoke. His voice filled Soonyoung’s soul with a warm wave of comfort.
Soonyoung smiled and nodded, “Y-Yeah... I didn't think you did though.”
Jihoon shook his head, “I do, and have been. Since the day I left. I come here every night around 4 am and wait until sunrise before leaving.”
Soonyoung raised an eyebrow, “Waiting for the sunrise? Why wait here when there’s plenty of better places to watch it.” He said as he walked closer to Jihoon who remained standing close to the railing of the rooftop. He grabbed the railing and looked out into the night horizon. The rain stopping and the smell of dew gracing his nostrils.
“I’ve been waiting... For you Soonyoung.” He spoke silently, but the words boomed through Soonyoung’s ears. His heart pounding so loud he could feel it in his throat.
“W-What? Why?” He turned to look at Jihoon, who was already staring at him. A small smile made it’s way across his face as tears filled his small eyes.
“Because I lied Soonyoung. I lied, and lied again.”
