#soulbits

[sensualfocus]

same sky, two different places.

[soulbits]

fiction excerpt: untitled

I hadn’t wished for a son, but when he arrived anyway… I wished that my son would give me a reason to be around.

It’s nothing new to feel worthless. I don’t know when it hit me, but suddenly I felt that I had to offer everything I could to others to be worthy of anything. Which inevitably led to the end of my relationship with my sister. The only other person who understood me more deeply than possibly anyone else, although by the end that might’ve not been in either of our favors.

The worthlessness… it comes and it goes. Some days everything is intentional and on purpose. Other days I’m wandering my home, restless, and not knowing what to do with myself. Of course, those are always the moments when you’re meant to throw yourself purposefully into something… but sometimes I just let myself wallow. It doesn’t feel good. It never feels good. Sometimes the self-pity manifests into such deep self-loathing I think about not existing anymore. But those thoughts of wasting away out of this dimension often somehow manage to shake me back into presence. Shake me back into remembering that I am here for a reason… even if I’m not lucky enough to live it yet.

Sometimes I avoid talking to people just because I don’t feel like talking about myself. That sounds so stupid––as if I have to talk about myself. It’s not that I have to, it’s just inevitable. It’s what happens. Someone tells me something and I relate to it so I respond. No one ever taught me how to listen, so now I’m teaching myself. I was never great at learning by listening, which is why sometimes school was hard for me. I could read for days but to the sound of a teacher lecturing you’d find me daydreaming about god knows what. A romantic prospect, food, something embarrassing I did earlier… you name it.

When I left California, everyone on the east coast would scoff and ask me why. They thought I was crazy. But when you live in one place your whole life, it doesn’t matter how beautiful it is… it loses its luster. Not for everyone, of course. Some people are more than content to stay put their whole lives, only leaving to travel and never to live… nothing wrong with that either, but there was an itch I couldn’t scratch, a calling I couldn’t avoid, a longing I couldn’t escape. To break free. And I did.

And what did I find but chaos… more chaos, because no matter how far you run from your family, your self, their dysfunction and delusion… life will find a funny way to circle you back to everything you avoided before until you clear it from your system. They say we learn in spirals, and I am very deep in mine. 

I never wanted motherhood to be what provided me with purpose. I always knew there was more to being a woman than just being a mother. I guess it’s hard to respect motherhood as some holy thing when the women who were supposed to teach you everything it meant to be a woman and show you the right way, support you, love you the way you need to be loved just kind of drop the ball, you lose faith. You lack connection in one of the most primal experiences of life. You lose your connection to the feminine. And relying on the masculine to be it all because you just don’t know any better? Well, that can lead to some of the biggest disappointments of them all. Especially when you realize that all of these people simply didn’t know better themselves. Then you think… well, if they let me down so deeply, what do I know for mine when they arrive? Sometimes I think we’re all just here to learn from the children, not the other way around. 

No, I was searching for purpose in everything else… in being a devoted and sexy lover, in being the most successful person I knew… by living in a completely new space, by never making life plans based on a man. These were my womanly successes. My womanly fulfillments. Being masculine and shelled in a world that was out to get me. I’d fight it back and tell it to fuck off and learn how to say NO, even at my expense. 

I had yet to learn that there is strength in softness, a purpose in sensuality and tenderness, deeper meaning in vulnerability, and reclaiming my life as my own, not the extension of those who birthed me, raised me, didn’t raise me, and so on… more than anything.

[soulbits]

july 3 – me first

constantly feeling scrutinized... constantly feeling watched. judged. sized up. projected onto.

social media was always my escape. my safe space behind the screen. but then when family started to be on there too... it was like i couldn’t escape. i can’t even now.

my family life is complicated. and i’ve attempted to peel myself off in different ways. not liking my name, trying to create a different name to write under or use my mother’s maiden name because at least it was more ‘unique,’ moving across the country, barely talking to anyone from the feelings of my own rejection.

sure, i feel ‘different’ from everyone else, but i’m sure i’m not the only one in my family who feels that way. i’m sure some distant relatives do, it’s just that we don’t talk about it. because we don’t really talk. no one ever modeled for me the importance of that, and i guess not really for any of us... or maybe we’re just not meant to be in other’s lives like that. it’s something i’ve just learned to accept.

there are some people in my family i love so much and feel so close to in spirit, but i risk the alienation of those who could be hurt by my lack of attention to our bonds if i vocalize those too much. but those bonds have mostly been shaky or not very deep, and so my soul is not called to them. we just happen to share blood. and why should i hide my love for some as not to hurt the others? it’s absurd, the censorship i feel just to protect others. that’s not why i’m here. that’s not my purpose. and yet, i fear the consequences of all of this truth.

maybe this is all kind of cryptic. i’m not sure what to say anymore except that i’m 30 and i’m still thinking too much about what everyone thinks, what everyone’s reactions will be to my decisions, my choices, my behaviors, and worst of all... my self-expression and my creativity. i refuse to be a slave to their opinions and for the most part i haven’t but none of my attempts to break free ever feel good enough. nothing i do ever feels good enough. and so i could write a long list of all of the things i’ve never bothered trying, but then i fear i’d drown in regret and sorrow, and so i look forward to the other side and the healing instead... to the days where i will take action upon what i’ve already decided: that enough is enough.

i’m learning that my trauma is more linked to my family than it ever could be to any romantic relationship i’ve had. i’m learning more from my family than anyone that it’s me and my well-being first. this is why the phrase ‘sacred wild exile’ came to me. it’s what i’ve done to move forward.

there is a lot of guilt in this to work through. i feel guilty for not connecting to most of my family, in particular one side of it, i feel guilty for the way relationships have gone... or not. my therapist reminds me that the adults are the ones who are supposed to initiate certain healing... and i am reminded that i am here, trying to pick up the pieces for every adult in my life. trying to figure them out and piece it all together.

but i catch myself... because... more than ever before i realize now that i am also the adult. and i ask to be made aware of any ways that i am perpetuating the patterns that hurt me, harm me, and anger me. it’s a long road and i honor my own bravery for not turning off onto the easy route, because it’s clear i could any time. forget it all. but my mind doesn’t let me forget. my heart remains tied. and i’m here just trying to make sense of it all... forgetting that it’s me first. me first. my heart. my well-being. my health. me. me first.

[soulbits]

here i am...

a fresh start. because i couldn’t take it anymore. and i needed somewhere to shitpost. but maybe this won’t be a shitblog, who knows...

i’ve had a tumblr since 2009. i was stoked when i found this website. i was always a sucker for blogging platforms. all of high school i lived on livejournal (besides myspace). those were the good ol’ days... even though they weren’t.

but tumblr has always been a safe space. my therapist challenged me to allow myself to be seen and heard and be vulnerable. i always liked the way i could hide on tumblr. you can’t hide on any social media the way you can hide on tumblr.

but i guess i’m not looking to hide... i guess i’m looking for a place to blog again. squarespace might have felt more legit, but it just wasn’t doing it.

so here i am... a fresh start. i turned a new decade this year and i’m seeking abundance in simplicity.

my last blog (that i deleted today) was created in 2013. i made it shortly after a breakup after deleting my first blog. i wanted a fresh start. funny how that goes, right... all these ‘fresh starts’ in the digital world. but i’m a new me and i want to share the pieces of her, i guess. in a new world.

i’m not seeking to hide, per se, but moreso... express myself in a deeper way. i’ve been doing most of that on instagram for the last... idk, since 2012? it’s great and all, but also not... you really can only write so much, and let’s face it... no one’s really reading.

so tumblr might not be ‘cool’ anymore, and it’s definitely not what it was in 2009-2011, maybe ‘13... it’s golden years. but fuck it. if everyone else is gone, maybe i’ll finally feel like i can breathe.

[samantharosejohnson]

🕳 happy February, soulbabes! Sorry to post these a few days late, I honestly just realized it’s February—and I wasn’t sure if I was going to share these this month. But I know what it’s like to need some inspiration so in case you need a boost or reminder to keep writing and some support in ideas, I wanted to share. 🖤 enjoy! And as always, these can be prompts for ANY kind of art! Any genre of writing. Just let yourself flow with what calls. Also feel free to post and use the hashtag #soulbitsonfire or keep it private. Which one(s) stand out most? #soulbits #creativewriting #writingprompts #creativewritingprompts #writersofig #writing #poetry #prose #fiction #shortfiction #flashfiction #nonfiction #journaling #writers #poets #songwriters https://www.instagram.com/p/CK2p1i0FHQS/?igshid=tlyfggy7akcp

[samantharosejohnson]

some friday heat 🔥 dedicated to the sapphic #soulbabes 🌺 ••• #soulbits https://www.instagram.com/p/CKqEJo-lrXz/?igshid=axu4cyzmx3rd

[pussymagicuniverse]

🌊 Happy Aquarius Season, Kittens!!! 🌬 excuse us for being a little late as we’re transitioning these from our founders page. 😽 from her: I hope these journal prompts find you well and thoughtful. I hope this season brings some heartfull lightness to your days. It’s pretty interesting that we enter this season with the inauguration tomorrow, but I know that’s just a smaller picture. I wanted to bring a sense of idealism and community to these prompts and how we contribute to the collective. Everyone has gifts and you don’t need to be famous or have a big internet following to have impact. Quality over quantity, always. Let’s spread some loving kindness this #aquariusseason. 💙 Which #journalprompt stands out to you most? #soulbits #soulbitscommunity #soulbitsonfire #soulbitsjournalsesh #journalsesh #aquariusjournalprompts #selfexpression #rawselfexpression #forthewildwomen #wildwomen #womenwhowrite #writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #womenwriters #aquarius #aquariusgang #journaling #journalingcommunity #journalingthezodiac #zodiac #zodiacsigns #zodiacposts https://www.instagram.com/p/CKmtt_6n9S3/?igshid=1nfpl20dmec8q

[samantharosejohnson]

🌿 loving you is loving me is loving you is loving me ••• and so it is 🌿 #soulbits https://www.instagram.com/p/CKf2ZKGlFoT/?igshid=8lz5rzznhqtd