saturday night vibe: love thyself.
i know what’s wrong with me. it’s that whole self love thing. i feel the way i feel, because i don’t love myself enough. i catch myself... filling a void... searching for something outside of myself to complete me. deep down, i know that nothing will ever permanently fill that void. still, i feel like overall, i love myself though... i take baths... that’s great self-care. i try to love my body. and i try to eat healthy.. sometimes. i guess, i should start working out... but most importantly i try to love my mind and my soul. there are these.. voices.. in my head. constantly telling me negative things and replaying hateful thoughts about myself. it’s always about what other people think about me... and i have NO idea why my first thought is something negative someone else thinks about me. but it made me want to talk to someone about it. my sister had been talking to a female African-American counselor by the nickname of “The Black Girl Doctor”. i never imagined paying for therapy services for myself because i’m always the one to pursue self-therapy methods, but when i tell you my first session changed my life... IT CHANGED MY LIFE. i didn’t even expect to get that vulnerable in the first hour, i cried. it didn’t feel like i was telling someone my problems, it definitely felt like i was telling someone my story.. and explaining what i expected/wanted from counseling. getting rid of my insecure thoughts was literally on the top of my list. although, i haven’t spoken with my therapist in some weeks (not because i don’t want to!) i noticed a bit of a breakthrough yesterday when writing in my daily journal. i’ve been noticing the negativity that has been surrounding the community (family/friends) as of recently, and i’ve been praying for all of us and just really making sure i put out some positive energy out there cause we definitely all need it. and i’m sure that we’re all not only suffering with hardships on the outside but on the inside too. whether it is negative thoughts or fearful thoughts... suicidal thoughts & hateful thoughts. we all suffer and experience that type of struggle on a daily basis. i’ve really been actively seeking specific methods and practices that will truly have a positive impact on this type of suffering. yesterday, i noticed that.. whenever i thought something negative or fearful or hateful, i made a conscious effort to
first: recognize the voice is there and that voice is untrue/false.
second: immediately, provide a loving comforting voice that will neutralize the negative voice; a statement that counteracts the other.
third: give myself credit for acknowledging that thought! and be patient through my progress!
i usually am the type to get all frustrated and impatient because, literally, the negative voice was bothering me allll day. but i somehow was able to keep it cool and calm throughout the whole day and just keep doing this practice whenever i was thinking something negative or i was thinking fearful or worried. i know the voices may not stop today or tomorrow but it truly helped me see that there could be progress if i’m able to discipline myself and keep making that effort. As well as, giving myself credit for even recognizing that that is something i want to change about myself. i guess in the end, i do see how i could love myself more. and honestly, it feels like that one simple thing made all the difference in trying to fill this never-ending void.
