on the journey home;
The other book id like to write
but for now a documentation of my own
coming back to my roots
as I come to realize more and more lately that
it seems to me that this journey ive been on since moving here has but nothing
short of healing my inner child/self
the break up was just a domino
open the door to show me I had lost myself
I don't even remember how long ago
does it really matter?
now it is time to get her back
time to come home
ive noticed it the more I do things that fuel my soul
nature writing reading photography music, art really sums it up
and then yoga and soccer
yoga to connect to my higher self that has been here before, that knows,
that has past lives more wise than most ~ no wonder ive always been called
an old soul...
a way to calm my mind, anxiety, stress, of the external world
in order to hear my quiet inner one
my child I shoved so far back and deep behind walls
buried under layers and layers
of black hair of tattoos of “swaggy” clothes and “ballin” adventures
soccer, holy moley has that done wonders for my soul
connecting me to my childhood, happiness, my play
even brought out my competitiveness, before I became insecure,
self conscious, not good enough, and I gave up so I could say it was under my control rather than someone elses
made cool friends, a place where I feel true bliss, happiness, a way to express
got aggressive, score a goal, lost fear
and it has healed me wonders
and then of course I sprained my ankle,
sending me into sheer panic of not being able to play, then, next week, forever?
we are in almost a month now, and its killing me and discouraging
but I know its teaching my patience, to slow, to listen to my inner self,
I must have strayed again. im trying my best
to come home. the more I listen, to my voice, my body, these signs
the more I feel solid, closer, softer, but damn did I build these defenses good
feeling love, feeling forgiveness
making decisions
the more I feel this, the more I come home
the more I come back to my roots
ive started falling back in love with syracuse
becoming homesick
missing my friends, wanting to cuse basketball games, crunch games
missing college, missing bars,
not hating, but loving, missing, longing, feeling
I find myself wanting to go back to my roots
literally
and figuratively
shed my layers outside as I do inside
slowly back to blonde
stop dying my hair
stop saying yes when I want to say no
stop agreeing when I know its conditional or im going to have complaints
stop looking to others for validation, attention, love, and “enoughness”
time to free myself
from my cage I build to protect me
time to take up space
time to create
time to come home
time to move forward, upward
to grow
and become the Soul Scientist.
