#messyjessy

[inthelionlight]

On the little things ;

Sunday ski trips with friends

beautiful day

ending the weekend with a fun outdoor activity

no cell service - moving my body

among the mountains - in awe of nature

early morning and early end

around the nostalgic 4 pm time for me

we stopped and got our weekly McDonald’s after

Something about this makes me

Nostalgic

Happy

with the little things

A perfect Sunday

And then to end it with a yoga and meditation

(Bon Iver - this chapters current music healer)

Laying on my floor absorbing

And then I open my window and get a gust of fresh air

and it just touches my soul

Brings me back to camping

To late Sunday nights

School nights

As the sun sets at 7

After you w been playing outside all night

The air is fresh

crisp

Sometimes I love the 55 and rainy

or the 65 and cool and sunset

And tonight’s it’s a brisk 40- but crisp

with a chill- making me feel.

makes me feel nostalgic at home like a kid

Simple grateful rejuvenated

Brings me back there

I wish I could breathe better to absorb this

Grateful I still have some sense

Oh the little things

thank you thank you

For the fresh air

[inthelionlight]

let’s see how far we’ve come ;

inspired my music, the warm spring weather and this challenging yet rewarding journey of growth.

trying to flow , not force

be, not chase

and

sit, not run

all things very foreign, very hard

today I’ll be poking at a recent but semi healed wound

rehashing, opening, reliving feelings

trying to keep soft steady and honest

today I choose date

dare to be open

dare to do the hard thing

dare to be vulnerable

because how can we grow if we don’t shift towards the sun?

[inthelionlight]

on the journey home;

The other book id like to write

but for now a documentation of my own

coming back to my roots

as I come to realize more and more lately that 

it seems to me that this journey ive been on since moving here has but nothing 

short of healing my inner child/self

the break up was just a domino

open the door to show me I had lost myself

I don't even remember how long ago

does it really matter?

now it is time to get her back

time to come home

ive noticed it the more I do things that fuel my soul

nature writing reading photography music, art really sums it up

and then yoga and soccer

yoga to connect to my higher self that has been here before, that knows,

that has past lives more wise than most ~ no wonder ive always been called

an old soul...

a way to calm my mind, anxiety, stress, of the external world

in order to hear my quiet inner one

my child I shoved so far back and deep behind walls

buried under layers and layers

of black hair  of tattoos of “swaggy” clothes and “ballin” adventures

soccer, holy moley has that done wonders for my soul

connecting me to my childhood, happiness, my play

even brought out my competitiveness, before I became insecure, 

self conscious, not good enough, and I gave up so I could say it was under my control rather than someone elses

made cool friends, a place where I feel true bliss, happiness, a way to express

got aggressive, score a goal, lost fear

and it has healed me wonders

and then of course I sprained my ankle, 

sending me into sheer panic of not being able to play, then, next week, forever?

we are in almost a month now, and its killing me and discouraging

but I know its teaching my patience, to slow, to listen to my inner self, 

I must have strayed again. im trying my best

to come home. the more I listen, to my voice, my body, these signs

the more I feel solid, closer, softer, but damn did I build these defenses good

feeling love, feeling forgiveness

making decisions

the more I feel this, the more I come home

the more I come back to my roots

ive started falling back in love with syracuse

becoming homesick

missing my friends, wanting to cuse basketball games, crunch games

missing college, missing bars, 

not hating, but loving, missing, longing, feeling

I find myself wanting to go back to my roots

literally

and figuratively

shed my layers outside as I do inside

slowly back to blonde

stop dying my hair

stop saying yes when I want to say no

stop agreeing when I know its conditional or im going to have complaints

stop looking to others for validation, attention, love, and “enoughness”

time to free myself

from my cage I build to protect me

time to take up space

time to create

time to come home

time to move forward, upward

to grow

and become the Soul Scientist.

[inthelionlight]

scientist soul

my brain analyzes

needs to know the what’s how’s whys

so what if all of this journey

is leading me to combine the two

and that’s how I’m different

that’s what seperates me

scientist brain

and my ___ soul ...

Hmmmm

[inthelionlight]

Raw

this year I got to know myself

I dated myself

I fell in love

with myself

I’ve started changing my perspective

always wanted to save the world. change it

always thinking it’s be environmentally

but maybe it’s the people I have to change

the people I have to save

maybe I became a scientist not to change the world

but to change myself

to reconnect with myself

to detach and figure out the human mind

soul and body

a scientist for the people

I like that

a clean palette

a slate to draw on

erase and recreate

every single day

growth

light

science

love.

[inthelionlight]

in this chaos

of all our inner connectedness

you can see

each and every little moment

breathe and movement

of all our lifetimes

that has lead us here

To the center of the universe

lead by light

[inthelionlight]

today, I feel fucking good

on a level I didn’t even think to be possible

as this decade comes to end I reflect

and I see my peak moment as my journey to Africa almost four years ago

I thought that I lived my wildest dream and life could never be that good again

yet somehow here I am

reeling in the effects of the last full moon in the decade

there aren’t really words to describe the feeling of the universe

flow in and out of you

developing a sense of power over my own life

saying no instead of maybe

saying yes to fear

letting go

of heartbreak of others peoples shitty baggage and of my vision of how I thought things “would” or “should be”

of leaving things I love because I knew they weren’t good for me

of choosing myself

of opening my heart

of going to therapy for hard times and for staying just because it fucking feels good

of being sober

to sit and face my own shit

every. single. day.

of doing things that make me happy

of doing things that are hard as fuck but will be worth it

Here is to feeling full

here and now

here is to peaking

at not what I can do or accomplish

but of finding my way back

to who I am

[inthelionlight]

2019 a walking contradiction

How can my heart hurt

Yet feel so full

How can I feel saddness

Yet feel happiness

Altogether

2019 has been a crazy year of growth

the end of my decade is truly legendary

I learned to say no

I learned to stick up for myself

I learned to leave toxic relationships

I am learning to love myself

I am learning to choose me

To be enough

To hear my inner child

I am learning to step fully into my growth

shedding trauma

fears

anxiety

years and years of stored shit

other peoples baggage

I am learning to sit and face

and not numb

I am learning

I want to be

Who I always was

I am breaking my own walls

my own false self

and choosing me