#soup war

[soup-of-the-day-official]

Soup God Condones Holy War

good news! i have spoken to the Soup God, and It told me It is fully in favor of the whole Soup Jihad thing. in fact, It specifically instructed me to "take up the sword in Its name and defend the land from Evil." so, that's pretty cool.

don't get me wrong; i was like, super honored. but i was also conflicted.

i said, "is to kill not a sin, o Lord?"

and the Lord said, "not if they be wicked."

and, blinking, i said, "really, o Lord?"

and the Lord said, "yes."

[the-evil-stew-goblin]

owwwie

I must have underestimated that damn thermos! I hate to say it, but this soup prophet’s empty rhetoric may not be so empty! GRRR, IT MAKES ME FURIOUS! He’s lucky I’m stuck in this EVIL HOSPITAL WITH THIS EVIL CAST ON MY EVIL LEG!!! I’ve paid the wizard to come by and heal it proper, but that may be a bit.

my army has been torn to shreds!! Everyone who did survive is demanding workplace incident compensation!!! I’ve been signing paperwork all day!!!

[anxious-chaos]

ATTENTION ALL SOUP ENTHUSIASTS. TODAY IS A DAY

A DAY WE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER

MARCH 19TH AT 9:33 AM

@that-peach-anon GAVE IN

WE WON

@shapa-likes-art @count-woe-laf @vann-cat @meowthefluffy @ i can't remember everyone who participated so if you did I'm sorry TwT

[daebelly]

soup war

[ask-badlydrawn2pjapan]

Soup War Pt I

[soup-of-the-day-official]

The Mayoral War Council

the War Council meeting was held in the conference room at Town Hall.

i stood at the podium, fussing with the laptop on the card table next to me. i had hooked it up to the projector with an HDMI, but for some reason, the connection wouldn't take.

"o Holy Mayor, i just don't understand," said one of my advisors, Stradivarius, from his folding chair in the middle row. "what's your plan for taking out the Goblin Kingdom, exactly? i get that you're going to use the Thermos, and that you're being guided by the righteous will of God and all that. it would just be nice to know the plan, is all."

"agreed," said Rogelio, a member of the Priesthood. "we must make sure the interests of the Church are adequately represented."

"does the Church dare to question the Messiah?" sneered Apocryphina, who represented the Council of Elders. "you of the cloth have gone astray of the ancient way and diverged from the Path of God. soon you will have your reckoning. so saith the Prophet!"

"can someone help me with this?" i asked. "i can't get my laptop to connect to the projector."

"is the projector turned on?" ventured Paprika, the Town Council representative, from the front row.

i looked and saw that it was not.

hiding my utter mortification beneath a brittle veneer of keeping-it-together, i chuckled, and said, "oh, i guess it wasn't. my bad. sorry, everyone."

but no one cared. they were too busy arguing.

"hey! come on, guys. it's meeting time," i said.

begrudgingly, they quieted.

"i made a PowerPoint," i said. "i hope you find it sufficient. it's, uh—well, you'll see what it is."

at a click, the title page of my PowerPoint went up on the projector screen behind me. written in colorful text on a bright yellow background in wavy WordArt font, it said:

my visions of victory over the Goblin Army

a PowerPoint prophecy

by: Rodrigo :-)

i clicked from the title page to the first slide:

1: Goblins will besiege all cities throughout the land

Goblin Kingdom NOT deterred by threat of Holy Thermos!!!

they will attack the towns and villages surrounding Ursanuma

devouring the young of the livestock, crops of the land, etc.

i said, "the Goblin Army may be deterred from attacking Ursanuma for the time being, but they won't sit idly after such a blow to their pride. they'll start attacking neighboring villages. they may have even started already."

i clicked to the next slide.

2: the kings of the earth shall be afraid

the leaders of the other towns and villages will reach out to Ursanuma for help defending themselves against the many-headed Lion of Blasphemy (aka Goblin army)

they will rally behind the righteous will of God and the awesome power of the Holy Thermos

i said, "and the leaders of those villages will reach out to us for help defending themselves. they know of the Thermos, the power our village wields, and right now they fear to associate with us. but when the time comes, they will reach out to us, and become our allies."

i clicked to the next slide.

3: and the believers of the land will be united under the banner of Pulundi

we will march on the Goblin Kingdom, and surround their castle

armed with our Holy Weapon

and destroy their kingdom in the name of our God

i said, "while the Goblin forces are split between their own lands and ours, we will invade the Goblin Kingdom, and use the Thermos to destroy it from within. according to my visions and the word of God Itself, this will be a victory for us."

i clicked to the next slide.

4: a strange-faced moon rises over a field of blooming red

to be honest, i don't really know what this part of the vision means

it always comes after the visions of our victory at the Goblin Castle

??????? probably not a bad omen

"admittedly," i said, "this part is weird. i don't know what it means. but it always comes after we win, so... it's probably not bad?"

even as i spoke the words, i felt doubt. there was something unmistakably menacing about that leering moon. how it had risen over a field of nebulous red that seemed almost alive, almost breathing. exhaling waves of mysterious particulate into the undulating midnight breeze.

but on the other hand... God had told me not to worry. and wasn't that the essence of faith, to hold to your beliefs in times of doubt? yes. faith without doubt was merely infatuation.

"so faith has to be blind?"

the voice of Cornelius echoed in my head, a memory. he had said that once, when the topic of faith had come up between us.

i don't remember what i said in response. something to the effect of yes. and Cornelius said, "then i guess we should be really careful about who we put our faith in."

i was jarred from my reverie by the voice of Rogelio.

"hold on now. the Church does a lot of trade with the Goblin Kingdom. are we sure God wants us to destroy it?"

"yes," i said. "God has been excruciatingly clear on the matter."

"okay," said Rogelio. "but what if instead, we offer them a peace deal?"

"they won't accept a peace deal," said Paprika. "they're Goblins."

"do we know that, though?" asked Stradivarius. "have we tried?"

"we do what God wants," said Apocryphina. "o Holy Mayor, don't waste your time paying heed to these petty squabbles. go forth and prepare for war. the Old Way has dawned on the world anew; the Word of God is law."

i had to admit, Apocryphina had a point. or, at the very least, all that stuff she said was kind of what my whole platform as Holy Mayor was built on.

i said, "while i would love it if we had the time, resources, and security to try out peaceful solutions just to see if they work, we don't. we're fighting a war that we're not in any shape to win, but for the power that God has graciously bestowed upon us."

"didn't God also start the war?" asked Stradivarius.

i thought for a moment. "i think the Evil Stew Goblin did, actually. but that's irrelevant. even if God had started the war it wouldn't change anything. we are still beholden to It's will. we will carry out the commands of Pulundi to the letter."

later that night, alone at the Holy Mayoral Manor, i reflected on that decision. i was full of doubt. and more than just doubt. resentment, too. i resented Pulundi for what It was making me do. i resented the fact that i felt i had no choice. that was the sickening thing—the feeling of being caged. even by my own faith, a thing that had once brought me joy. a cage was a cage.

how could a mere mortal defy the will of a powerful God?

could they? was it even possible?

no, no. better not to entertain the thought.

still... i wondered what Cornelius would say.

[soup-of-the-day-official]

the dawn of that terrible day

they don't say you can't outrun the Goblin mafia for nothing.

ever since i fled from the home/lair of the Evil Stew Goblin, pursued by his Evil Minions, i knew they would catch up with me. but time had gone by. and for a while i started to think that maybe i had actually given them the slip.

but on the dawn of that terrible day i looked out my bedroom window and saw my town besieged by Goblins!

they were wreaking havoc. pillaging, burning down buildings, vandalizing the Soup Church, marring its façade with their acidic Evil stews.

this was the work of @the-evil-stew-goblin.

the town's people were putting up a fight, but they were not warriors. they were losing. they were being attacked, and killed, and it was all my fault.

knowing i had no true weapon but that awful Holy Thermos, i grabbed it, and charged outside.

"Goblins of Evil Stew," i cried, to the perpetrators of the carnage, "leave this place now! by the power of the Soup God, i banish thee!"

i held up the Thermos, hoping against hope that its awesome visage alone would be enough to deter the mob of Goblins. or, at least, distract them.

[soup-of-the-day-official]

Everyone But You

featuring my friend Cornelius

and the signs from God were clear and they signaled to us that it was time to return to the Ancient Ways

"we will hold a Choosing," Apocryphina had announced. as the eldest Elder of the village, her word was as good as law. "we will do it in the Ancient Way. if the Soup accepts Rodrigo, we will consecrate him, and he will be Holy Chieftain."

the villagers, overall, seemed thrilled at the prospect. some so much so that they were driven to the point of a rambling, religious hysteria. (i think they are still a little "drunk on the wine of God," if you know what i mean.) even Stradivarius seemed pleased, having come around once the bureaucratic complications that arose from the addition of my seat of office were sorted out (complicated and boring, but will explain later if anyone is interested.)

in contrast, i felt myself coming to resent the idea more and more as the day of the Choosing approached. i did not want to be Holy Chieftain. i did not want to be in charge of the village, responsible for the lives of everyone in it! and anyway, the job was a real bureaucratic nightmare, so there was that too.

"but what if the Soup doesn't... accept you?" asked my friend Cornelius one day while we were hanging out. "what if it rejects you or whatever? does that mean... you're not gonna, like, die, are you?"

and i heard real concern in his voice, for he was my true friend, and dear to me. but the truth was, i did not know what would happen if the Soup did not accept me. if i would die, or... something worse.

or something better, the optimistic part of my brain feebly chimed in. maybe nothing will happen at all, and this Holy Chieftain thing will be over, and everything will go back to the way it was before.

but Cornelius—poor Cornelius; dear, sweet Cornelius—interpreted my silence as confirmation of that which he most feared. and he exclaimed a great exclamation of sorrow, and said: "Rodrigo, you must not do this thing!"

and, with sorrow of my own, i said, "ah, but you are wrong, Cornelius. i must do this thing. above all other things, i must do this thing."

"but why?" Cornelius demanded. "why would you risk your life for—?"

"Cornelius," i cut him off. "this is not the first time i have risked my life in the name of Soup. and i do not think it will be the last."

i looked into Cornelius' eyes, hoping to find some connection there. but all i saw was hurt and anger. and Cornelius looked away from me. and in that moment i felt my heart shatter.

this wretched mission of the Soup God's had already cost me so much. and now it was costing me Cornelius, too.

turning away from him, i said, "you do not understand, Cornelius. you are just a wizard. a god is nothing more than a rune on a rock-face to you. a page in a theurgy text. an item in a list. but my God means something to me, Cornelius. you never have been able to understand that. or maybe you do understand and you just won't accept it. i'm not sure. but i guess the distinction doesn't really matter. the barrier it puts between us is the same either way."

Cornelius looked at me, and i saw by the tightening of the dorsal muscles around his murine snout that he was angry. "you think i'm the reason there's a barrier between us? like it's got nothing to do with your emotional unavailability, or your weird codependent relationship with God, or your stupid obsession with soup!"

a look of regret crossed Cornelius' face the moment the words left his mouth. but he did not backpedal or apologize. he adopted a resigned expression, and maintained his silence.

after a moment i rose from the couch and walked over to the window. i stood with my back to Cornelius, looking out at my yard and the dirt road beyond it, the lemon and olive trees of the village orchards visible in the distance, the outer wall repaired and standing high behind the tree line.

"they would make an Atlas of me, Cornelius," i said. "they would place the world upon my shoulders. and when i cannot bear the weight of it, when it all inevitably comes crashing down, they will point at me and say, 'there is him who failed his charge! everything's wrecked and it's all his fault!'"

"who?" Cornelius asked quietly. "who will say that? who is doing all of this stuff to you, Rodrigo?"

and i turned and looked at him, and my heart was full of bittersweetness. and i said, "everyone but you, my dear Cornelius."